My Mother choosing ex over me

[Piglet28]

Hi, I’m hoping for some honest unbiased options on my mother choosing my ex-husband over not only me but my baby boy who is nearly 6 months whom she hasn’t seen since he was 6 weeks old.

Bit of background info: I was with my ex-husband for 13 years, he was 21 years older than me, we have an 8 year old son. At times he was controlling and manipulative, I was unhappy for a very long time and finally left him feb 2016.

I met someone else rather quickly and I’m really happy, we now have a baby together and life is good. Her reaction to this was horrendous.

My issue is my mother keeps inviting my ex over for dinner, invites him to see my family, goes to his house, for days out etc. I’ve literally been shoved out of her house because he is turning up.

Things with my ex are difficult, he has written disgusting posts about me on FB, he just wants be fun dad, won’t do homework, parents evenings, buys our son everything he wants (iPad pro, fossil watches, robotic toys etc) gives him no discipline, pays minimum maintenance and fills his head full of manipulative bullshit. We constantly argue about things.

I have explained to my mum several times that I find her close relationship with my ex really hurtful especially whilst all of this is going on, and that by her still involving him in our lives when he behaves so appallingly unacceptable. She constantly sticks up for him. I asked her to take a step back from seeing him, not cut him off completely as I understand they have a relationship but just to back off a bit.

Her response is that I can’t tell her who she can see and I should just accept it and compares their relationship to mine with my father ... WTF? She has chosen my ex over me and my new partner and baby and not seen us in over 4 months. She posted a teddy last month and I’ve said I don’t want to continue this feud but what I said about my ex still stands, she has just ignored me.

Not sure why I’m posting this, I’m really sad and hurt by her behaviour. I just needed to vent and maybe hoping for some advice and honest opinions please!

Thanks so much for all your replies, sadly I think you are all right.

I was half expecting to be told I was being unreasonable, that of course she should maintain this weird relationship with my ex as she is so adament that I shouldn’t have an issue with her seeing him, even comparing that relationship to mine with my father as he is family.

I just wish I didn’t feel so angry and hurt by her behaviour, I don’t know how to move past it. Every time my son comes home from a weekend with his dad they see her and he tells me all about it ... and it just gets under my skin. I’m sure that’s my ex’s intention as I left him he will take something from me.

My mum disapproves of me getting together so quickly with someone else, I was so miserable that when I met my new partner i just jumped into a relationship. I think she thought that we would have patched things up again had this not happened. I don’t regret it for a second, I’d do it all again regardless of a relationship with my mother or not. I think she’d rather I stayed with my ex and be miserable, it was the hardest decision to make, to break my little boys heart, find happiness only then to lose my mother on top of what was already a really stressful time.

I don’t think I’d ever forgive her for her behaviour, I just don’t get how she can justify it? I’d never do this to my kids, I’d always be there for them 😢

Cut your Mum off she's made her choice.
I'd bet that your Ex will loose interest in seeing much of your mother once he finds out that you have no interest in it all and she has no news to tell.

She had no interest in getting to know my new partner

Probably because you'll then expect her to drop him as well when/if you break up

Maybe you shouldn't be 'telling' her who she can be with friends with?
Maybe your ex actually has some good qualities and they have a good friendship?
Maybe she wants to be able to continue seeing her other step-gc?
Maybe she doesn't want to alienate the father of her 'biological' gc?

Your problems with your ex are nothing to do with her and her friendship with him.
Have you been to court to sort out access, holidays and maintenance?

You ignore her worries/objections to your choice in partners, rush into the deep end with them, force her into a position where she has to build a relationship with them because they are now the father of her gc......and then expect her to cut all ties with them just because you've broken up with them?
You've repeated this same dynamic with your new partner.......and are expecting her to fall in line with your wants yet again.
i can see why she doesn't want to build a relationship with him - you'll expect her to drop it and take 'sides' again when/if this one breaks down.

If you can't be arsed taking her seriously when she's trying to give you sage advice and looking out for you "because i'm an adult and can do as i like".......then you have absolutely no right to dictate to her how she does things in her own life.

How does her being friends with him actually affect you other than hurt your ego?

You decided to use access to your dc as a means of forcing her to 'choose' and that's out of order - why would you do that to your own dc who no doubt loves her and has a good relationship with her?
Good on the father for ensuring dc isn't paying the price for his parents actions/decisions.
Understandably you have an axe to grind with your ex.....but you can't blame him for your mum's decision - YOU forced her into making a choice.

Seems it's not just your ex who has a 'controlling' and 'abusive' nature.

She is a nasty and cruel bitch OP

I am so sorry for you at it's a hurtful betrayal

Does she fancy him or something ? He is close to her in age ?

Heebie Jeebie - thanks for a different perspective. I’m assuming your post was to provoke a reaction. I’ve no idea how you have jumped to so many random opinions. I suggest you read the post again and get your facts straight before replying.

If my DD split with her DP I would hope that I could maintain a relationship with him. I would want it to be as easy as possible for their DC.

I have kept a good relationship with my ex's extended family. I have kids who are their grandchildren/nephews/nieces. I don't expect other people to drop their relationships just because I have. And I certainly wouldn't use access to another child to try and force the issue

I see my ex's family and my kids see them. Why would I stop that?

You need to handle this like an adult. Your mother supported you in your choice of family, built a relationship with you and your DP as a family and suddenly she has to stop and pretend he does not exist while playing happy grandmothers with a new DP.

No, YABU. Better for all the children if you behave like an adult over this

Oh and my family and friends still see ExDP sometimes. Fine with me. Many of us live locally.

heebie jeebies

Seriously?!

It’s for the OP to choose her relationships, consider how it affects her children not her ‘D’M

I have a similar situation. My father chose my ex over me so he can see my 8 year old son whenever he wants. I have remarried and his behavior has continued to the point where we no longer speak. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I am hoping things have improved for you.

I left my ex in 2014. He has used parent alienation to alienate my daughter (who is now 22 yrs old) but he managed to alienate my mother from me 4 years prior to the divorce. He would talk with her behind my back and they were friends. I always wondered why they were so close and why/how he turned her against me. My mother use to visit me 4 times a year before my ex turned her against me. She became upset when I didn't approve of her marrying my father's best friend after he died. During the divorce I discovered that throughout the marriage my ex is/was a narcissist which made my divorce hell. I had left him 2 times previously and always returned. After 23 yrs of being together I waited until my youngest was thru her 1st year of college and left. He was terrible to me and talked awful about me to everyone. My mother never once contacted me to see if I was ok. I found out she would visit my ex (she lives 8 hrs from us) and stay with him for a week or two. I found out that she is even thinking of moving down to be with him. She is unaware that I know this. She is now 79 and still will not speak nor contact me. This is the only post I could find that discussed a mother alienating their child for their ex spouse. I wonder if there are other women with my problem.

I know I’m supposed to advocate for taking the moral high ground and being the bigger woman, but I’m seething at your situation!!

I’d have to tie myself to a chair to stop myself going very low contact- just enough contact to regale her with tales of the how godamn fabulous the new Step Grandparents are, and how much you adore them. Tell her you’re thinking of moving to be closer to them. That you’ve never felt love so unconditional and fulfilling. That DS talks about them non-stop. I seriously would.

Hush

Sorry- that post was a mistake!

Mirial, I agree. Why should she have to stop contact etc because her daughter wants her too. She's an adult in her own right.

Maybe she feels you made a mistake, its one thing to move very very quickly on when single but there was a child involved in this and those choices will have affected them. Maybe she feels he made better choices?

She clearly fancies him and I bet he encourages it to get to you. He will probably go as far as shagging her. Cut her off and show you are not interested. Laugh their friendship off. Won’t be long before he doesn’t bother anymore.

I think its fascinating how you can slate the woman for having issues with this topic, and send a lot of points ( some valid, some N/A - we arent in her life) - but most of all you made those points, but failed to address the children involved.
I'm sure you felt twelve feet tall writing that to her.

I know its been a few years since this post, but, in world of equality and acceptance (which has taken me aback a touch) I think its a valid point to an old view.

to the woman in question I hope everything is fine and dandy now :) all of my best to you