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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have excluded ds2 from pizza treat and fed him spaghetti on toast? Because ex thinks I was

289 replies

theduchessstill · 25/10/2017 12:45

Two dc aged 10 & 8. Since they broke up on Friday the sitting room has become more and more toy-filled. At the weekend they built a civilisation involving pretty much every toy they own, and did play with it a lot. They didn't want to put it away as they intended to play with it again, but we've been out a lot since then and they never did.

Day out yesterday and I bought pizza on the way home as treat 'final' tea with me before they go to their dad's, which they did this morning. I made it clear they would have to clear up the sitting room before I cooked it. When we got in, ds2 refused: put one thing away and then sat whining. Ds1 got on with it without complaining. To my shame, ds2 also stuck his middle finger up at me several times (new thing he seems to have picked up from school I suppose). We had been down a coalmine and learnt about children who worked in them and at one point ds1 said to ds2, "at least we're not down a mine," and ds2 replied that it was fine for those children as that was the old days. That obviously made me more annoyed.

I followed through on my threat and ds2 ate some of his meal and spent the rest of the mealtime lying under the kitchen table where he planned to stay forever, being surreptitiously fed onion rings by ds1 (I pretended not to notice).

Finally, we talked about it and he apologised, came out, had a tiny slither of pizza and fruit for pudding with his brother. I dropped them off at ex's this morning and have just received a text saying 'Ds2 is starving after no proper meal last night, while ds2 had pizza. Can you clarify?'

FFS, I don't know what to reply. Why should I answer to him after the way he carries on? Was I wrong? Would I be wrong not to reply/ or reply something very terse? Ds1 would be more than capable of giving an honest account of what happened.

OP posts:
CauliflowerSqueeze · 26/10/2017 22:12

I find it very hard trying to be firm and fair and consistent while being divorced

Well I think you sound incredibly balanced and fair, given that you have a massive tool as a co-parent to manage.

And pizza is a treat if you want it to be.
You know it was perfectly fine to do what you did. And your son totally understood too.

holdthewine · 26/10/2017 22:45

OP you did well IMO. It would have been unfair on the child who DID tidy up to earn the treat if they’d both had it. What lesson would that have shown? Next time neither of them would’ve tidied.

I remember saying my DS (about 7 at the time I think) could not have tomato ketchup on beans on toast as they were already in it. Major wobbly and in the end I let him have pickle which was equally inappropriate but it was important his wobbly didn’t win out Confused

Just keep being consistent, when they’re older they’ll understand.

RhiWrites · 26/10/2017 23:10

Spaghetti hoops on toast are lush and I say this as a middle class wanker who makes my own pizza and wants a pizza stone for Xmas.

As punishments go it's pretty mild. OP, I think your ex is a patronising knob for sending you those texts. But you knew that already.

Ask him what he'd do if the children were offered a treat for doing a job and one of them did is asked and the other didn't.

Textpectation · 26/10/2017 23:36

'To clarify, your house your rules, my house my rules'.
Agreed, let's not escalate, I'd appreciate your support, swearing IS wholly unacceptable. 8 is old enough to deal with the consequences of choosing the not to eat dinner.'

Turn off the notification alerts. On my phone I can still preview them without them being seen as read by the other person.

Stella60 · 26/10/2017 23:47

You have been totally reasonable with children and he should accept your home your rules

MasterofKittens · 27/10/2017 00:58

He sounds like my second exDH! Coparenting with an ex is so hard especially when you're the one who sticks to their guns. You're doing great x

SleepingStandingUp · 27/10/2017 01:23

@thebluething
If you don't get tinned spaghetti on toast because its double carbs, how do you justify chip putties and crisp sandwiches? Or mash potato sandwiches. Your food deprivation makes me sad

OP is have been tempted to go with "I just like him less than DC1"

Bless dDC1for sneaking contraband under the table

GetOutOfMYGarden · 27/10/2017 01:28

"At least we're not down a mine" sorry, can't help but crack up at this!

Goldenbear · 27/10/2017 02:09

I wouldn't respond as I think it leads to all sorts of unhealthy game playing and that's not fair on your children.

How recently have you been divorced? I would be concerned by an eight year old giving you the finger. Eight year olds don't have the language or understanding of their situation to explain their stress or unsettled feelings over significant events- I think the talk of final supper with Mum and the equation to treats might make him feel your love is conditional. Equally, I wouldn't want my eldest feeling like he had to make things better by surpitiously passing the onion rings. Of course it may not be like that at all but I definitely wouldn't throw in a reply to the ex if that is what's happening.

CakesRUs · 27/10/2017 02:17

As you made him spaghetti on toast YANBU.

Abbylee · 27/10/2017 02:40

Using food as treat/punishment adds an emotional component to food which is not good.

I think that your dc was having a bit of tired separation anxiety and instead of a cuddle, he got toast.

Applauding bc op made her dc mind is ridiculous. Every single day is is "mind your mother" day, but i would investigate what made him so unhappy that he was acting out.

I would as ex if dc told me that someone didn't get dinner.

Clearing up a few days worth of toys is a big job. Did you help tidy too? Tidying up can be fun together.

enceladus · 27/10/2017 02:51

ah late to this thread but it made my blood boil, especially the first response you got , sanctimonious in the extreme, about food never being used as a punishment or a treat. These are the idiots that give this forum a 'reputation'. OP, you were completely correct in your actions, but that pizza night and you should have told your sanctimonious ex to FRO. Don't engage with him, no wonder you aren't with him anymore. But there is a slight tang of the kids playing you both off against each other. NIP that in the bud.

enceladus · 27/10/2017 03:04

*Using food as treat/punishment adds an emotional component to food which is not good.

I think that your dc was having a bit of tired separation anxiety and instead of a cuddle, he got toast.

Did you help tidy too? Tidying up can be fun together.*

And then I see the crap message just posted before me by Abbylee - the kids mentioned are 8 and 10, tidying up is not a fun activity it is a responsibility. They are not toddlers.

Why should the child not get his pizza treat - errr he misbehaved, talk about over analysing Confused. He got fed anyway.

Separation anxiety?! Cheeky fuc*erdom comment, how long are they split? What's the dynamic - so every bad behaviour is blamed on that - a get out of jail card for the rest of your life? Cop on.

jocarter67 · 27/10/2017 06:46

Your darling son knew daddy would be cross, played on it probably trying to get pizza and treats from him. You did nothing wrong in my book. If more parents followed through with their punishments, then I believe that children would learn quicker that life isn't all roses

Goldenbear · 27/10/2017 08:46

The Ds in question is eight, not eighteen, he doesn't sound a 'handful' at all. There's nothing wrong with trying to decipher what's going on rather than bulldozing your way through life at the expense of your child's emotional wellbeing. It's shocking to suggest the child's part of the game playing - leave the children out of it.

bastardkitty · 27/10/2017 08:49

To be fair, no one knows how consciously OP's DS was playing the situation, but if you think that an 8 year old is not capable of playing off one parent against another, you are very naive, especially when one of the parents is a manipulative cock.

Lweji · 27/10/2017 08:54

I always try to make consequences immediate and relevant, and this one was

Maybe immediate but not relevant.

Relevant would be to throw away or confiscate any toys he didn't put away. His toys.

Having said that, don't people talk to children?

Sometimes it pays to breath, sit and cuddle them and explain why things need to be done. Then agree on what to do and get their agreement.

Have you read a book called something like "How to talk to your children and make them listen"?

Oterwise you're just getting into battles that can only get bigger as they age.

embo1 · 27/10/2017 08:55

I do this with my son, but he's currently an only child... Eg If you eat all of you dinner, you can have a dessert... It's completely fine, they shouldn't get everything want they want when they're naughty! Mm ore than that, I think it's good parenting! (I know that not eating all of his dinner isn't necessarily naughty) The only difference is the follow through is more obvious when one gets the treat and the other doesn't. I think it's an excellent demonstration that bad behaviour is not rewarded. Just explain the situation to Dad as no doubt he has only heard a sob story!

Goldenbear · 27/10/2017 09:15

I'm not naive, I have two DC but more relevantly I have the experience of being a child of divorced parents- you get caught up in this dysfunctional set up through no fault of your own. To then suggest the child is manipulating the weakness in this set up is attributing them with characteristics of the ex that (in most) situations you're not very fond of. It doesn't matter that this child might be doing this it's why they're doing it. The child is the priority in a divorce not the parents.

I'm not suggesting divorce is not the answer, sometimes it's the only answer. However, the game playing is not healthy and it puts your children under enormous amount of stress.

Maireadplastic · 27/10/2017 09:19

Embo- maybe it's just a throw away example, but I'd be careful about clearing plates before giving pudding. As someone who was made to do this, I was very out of touch with my appetite, hunger etc. Took quite a while to work this out.

nellieellie · 27/10/2017 10:01

Yanbu. But I would give a civil explanation to the father. If you play the “I don’t have to give you explanations” game, your DCs will be able to play you with off against each other. You escalate the hostility. Yes, he’s totally out of order, but if you explain how he behaved, that he was fed, just not pizza, then hopefully he will not side with your son against you - which is to be avoided at all costs.

bastardkitty · 27/10/2017 10:02

OP did explain. And got a twatty response. Maybe RTFT?

Beeziekn33ze · 27/10/2017 10:16

Who ate DS2’s pizza?

Hissy · 27/10/2017 10:39

Your Ex clearly got the DS version of events, which I'm sure won't have included the bit where he gave you the finger. Had your Ex been aware of that, or had HE had the finger given to him by your youngest I dare say DS2 might not even have had hoops on toast!

my reply would be 'not that I need to explain the disciplinary decisions I have to take in my own house, but I am confident that DS2 neglected to mention sticking his middle finger up at me repeatedly when I asked him to tidy the toys that have cluttered the lounge this week. I won't have this kind of behaviour, and certainly won't 'reward' it with pizza! He had tea, he had hoops on toast, he is just trying to pit one parent against the other. I'd prefer if we can avoid that situation."

DJBaggySmalls · 27/10/2017 10:48

A more clued up, less argumentative exdp would have asked 'why is DS1 trying to pull the wool over my eyes?'