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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Time off for DH's grandmas funeral

109 replies

owltrousers · 24/10/2017 11:54

My DH's grandma died last week, she was 90 odd and had been unwell for a long time so its not a massive shock but he is obviously upset.

The date for the funeral is Mon 6th Nov at 12pm midday so straight away I emailed my bosses (I work in a small therapy clinic as a secretary for 2 people) and asked if I am able to take the day as holiday (my holiday renews 1st October every year) I sent my email on Fri 20th October so 2 and a bit weeks notice, short yes but not ridiculously so.

I checked to see if that Monday would be busy - so far no one booked in and only 1 practitioner in anyway (I'm the receptionist) so thats not looking problematic.

I just received a response from my boss via email - ''I'm not happy about this" thats it! I'm not sure what to think... I'm 28wks pregnant and they seem to have had a problem with me since I announced I'd be taking maternity leave even though I've only missed 1 day through sickness throughout my pregnancy and I've arranged all my scans/midwife appointments on non work days to help them out.

I'm furious tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
owltrousers · 25/10/2017 09:59

So an update!

Today my boss approached me in person and has said its a straight out no he's afraid.

His reasoning was that they've approved every other day I've requested as holiday in the past and Mondays are a difficult day to have off (although clearly not from the calendar!) I am absolutely fuming.

What would you do?

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 25/10/2017 10:25

I would join them in the wake as soon as you have finished work, thats what people do if they are working on the day. (It would be different if it was your own relative I think).

LurkingQuietly · 25/10/2017 10:31

I would actually raise a grievance in this instance - you can prove that it's less disruptive given only one of your bosses is in that day. I'd say that his reason for rejecting AL is unreasonable and I'd be furious. I'd also start working to rule (not being available during your lunch break for those little queries etc), and start seriously considering whether you'll be going back after mat leave.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. What an arsehole.

AppleKatie · 25/10/2017 10:34

I would work to rule.

Then I would get antenatal anxiety and have a week off that coincided with the funeral I realise that I might get flamed for that comment, and I also understand how serious antenatal anxiety is, I had it

BlueSapp · 25/10/2017 11:15

I would tell him you are going and that his refusal is unwarrented and that is how a tribunal would see it, then spend all your spare time looking for a new position.

BlueSapp · 25/10/2017 11:16

I mean during maternity leave look for somewhre else they are being totally unreasonable

tealady · 25/10/2017 11:26

How very unsympathetic and horrible they are!

I'm not sure if any of this helps...

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/rights-at-work/basic-rights-and-contracts/time-off-work-overview/

Original poster
owltrousers · 25/10/2017 11:36

Don't worry, there is no way I am going back after maternity leave. This is just the tip of the iceberg with them!

OP posts:
ElinoristhenewEnid · 25/10/2017 11:44

A colleague of mine was refused the day off for her mother's funeral because the boss wanted the day off to go shopping. As a concession she was allowed to take an extended lunch break for the funeral on condition she made the time up later in the week!!
Manager was a massive bully - this was over 20 years ago and said colleague was too upset to argue her case.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 25/10/2017 11:47

What an utter fucker that man is. Honestly, refusing leave with two weeks’ notice for a funeral.

The obvious thing is to play nice and then call in sick on the day. Requires nerves of steel though when you’re back in Grin and of course not particularly professional.

Practically I’m not sure though. Can you make one more attempt for him to see reason - nothing in the diary, etc?

Is this all so he avoids answering his own phone for the day?!

BlueSapp · 25/10/2017 11:48

Good for you Owl, these sorts of bullying tactics should never be allowed ever, it just seems that once anyone has a tiny bit of authority over other people the lose all their compassion and understanding for ordinary peoples lives.

LagunaBubbles · 25/10/2017 11:58

What would you do?

Honestly? Phone in sick.

callmeadoctor · 25/10/2017 12:01

Look at it from the boss of a small business though, presumably there is nobody to replace OP and it is NOT a close relative of hers. If you were an employer you might feel differently. Cant believe the amount of people on here telling you to be difficult too. If it it was your Grandmother then I could understand you being angry, but it isn't a relative. Surely a compromise could be reached with a bit of discussion? Work just the morning and attend the wake?

TieGrr · 25/10/2017 12:01

Giving you the days off you've asked for in the past is not something you need to be grateful for and compensate for now.

Start scheduling your antenatal appointments and classes for times when you should be working. If they won't give you an inch, why should you inconvenience yourself.

Bourdic · 25/10/2017 12:07

Oh dear this is just so unnecessary and sad. Have you got a copy of the evidence that the clinic is not busy that day? Could you approach the other boss - I’d intimate that you rather think it’s related to the fact that you will be going on maternity leave soonish and so you wondered if you were being treated differently from a non-pregnant member of staff. I wonder if that might ring some alarm bells with them? I really don’t know what I’d do - I’ve never been in this position. There are two choices I suppose, go sick from the middle of the week before with a sick note- there must be something pregnancy related you could have or turn up on the day at work and just cry all day especially if there are clients around.

callmeadoctor · 25/10/2017 12:13

Are there any Employers on here that could give their views? (in a small business). I have spoke to my DH (employs about 20 staff). He said that it would very much depend on their work beforehand (always on time, works extra hours without complaint etc). He would go on each individual, however he would be dubious about giving time off for a non relatives funeral. He would however consider giving it as holiday given that it is 2 weeks notice and if cover was easy.

SomethingNewToday · 25/10/2017 12:14

What would you do?

Honestly?

Likely to be very unpopular but...
Do you get full paid sick leave?

If so I'd develop anxiety, brought on by the stress of work and get signed off sick and remain off sick until my full pay ran out.

If that wasn't long enough to carry me to my maternity leave I'd return for as short a period as I had to and keep scrupulous records of everything the bastards did wrong.

Then when after I'd handed my notice in towards the end of maternity leave I'd contact ACAS and sue the fuckers for...can't remember the term...unfair dismissal or something, where you resign but only as you felt you had no other option.

callmeadoctor · 25/10/2017 12:15

Hmmmmm these bosses are keeping people in a job!

TieGrr · 25/10/2017 12:15

He would however consider giving it as holiday given that it is 2 weeks notice and if cover was easy.

OP has asked for it as a holiday day.

callmeadoctor · 25/10/2017 12:15

If cover was easy Grin

Bourdic · 25/10/2017 12:15

I dislike this idea of a hierarchy of loss and grief. My dh has an elderly aunt and I can’t tell you how much I love her and I’d want to be at her funeral to say goodbye and get comfort (for me), to support my DH - she’s his last remaining relative of that generation and also he loves her dearly and thirdly to show the rest of her family how much she mattered and how her life brought joy to so many. Actual attendance at a funeral demonstrates uniquely all those things. I’ve been to two significant funerals this year ( an uncle and my oldest friend) and I can’t tell you how much it mattered. In the latter case, her heartbroken sons were so touched by the fact I’d bothered to come and I shared some lovely memories of our misspent youth with them that they clearly loved hearing

KeepServingTheDrinks · 25/10/2017 12:16

If you can afford it; I would inform them I was taking it as unpaid leave and then work to rule only.

Bourdic · 25/10/2017 12:19

Re cover - it doesn’t sound that’s a real issue in these particular circumstances. What do they normally do when OP has leav3 ( assuming she’s ever allowed any that is 😄

livefornaps · 25/10/2017 12:22

I would do the same as others.

Smile and nod so he forgets about it - then oopsy, sick.

TheLuminaries · 25/10/2017 12:22

If you don't plan on going back then start scheduling your antenatal appointments for times when you should be working. You have complete legal protection for that, regardless of the hours you work. If you are part time, it is a courtesy to schedule them to avoid work days - but courtesy cuts both ways.