Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start a thread about things you should not say or do to childless people

830 replies

user1485342611 · 24/10/2017 11:12

As someone who can't have children I have sometimes been shocked at how tactless and insensitive some people can be - the latest being a colleague who objects to having to work over Christmas because 'Christmas is about children. Staff with families should get priority'.

I do have a family, it just doesn't include children of my own.

AIBU to be fed up of this kind of stuff and to ask other posters in similar situations to share hurtful acts and words in the hope that it might educate those not in our situation and who don't always think before they speak/act?

OP posts:
StickThatInYourPipe · 26/10/2017 23:29

But how do you then afford all your luxury holidays GeeIneverthoughtofthat?

I'm really sorry to hear about both the redundancy and the shitty comment from your friend. Fucking sucks! Especially when you have worked so hard (and often long hours without much recognition)

GeeIneverthoughtofthat · 26/10/2017 23:49

Stickthatinyourpipe (sorry I can’t highlight!)

That’s really kind of you. Thank you. Flowers I chose to put it down to galloping tactlessness on her part but god it stung. I’m still not quite sure why she would think that the loss of a career is less painful to people without children.

StickThatInYourPipe · 26/10/2017 23:53

GeeIneverthoughtofthat

Sometimes people are just dicks and sometimes people just say dickish things without thinking through properly. I know it's really hard to just accept comments like that but I think you seemed to handle it with dignity :)

I hope your career was able to move past the redundancy and onto bigger and better things Flowers

GeeIneverthoughtofthat · 27/10/2017 00:02

Stickthatinyourpipe

Thank you. I tried to let it go as best I could and put it down to her own worries, despite the hurt.

On the plus side - I did get Christmas off that year. 😉

JKR123 · 27/10/2017 00:17

I went through many years of infertility before I was able to have children. Examples of things that used to piss me off were when people used to say "as a mum..." when they were about to comment on a sad news story involving children - it was as if to say if you didn't have children then you couldn't empathise to the same degree. People offering up advice that we didn't ask for used to piss me off too. FIL deciding to offer us guidance on the adoption process at the dinner table during a family get together. We had never once mentioned adoption to them and his experience of it was over 40 years ago so slightly out of date anyway! Another which I used to find extremely irritating was being told "it will happen if it's meant to be" and (in relation to a mc) " it obviously wasn't meant to be). There are loads more. I just think of the people who said them are highly ignorant

Mupflup · 27/10/2017 07:37

One that I find is fairly common is when people are talking about, say, someone who is ill, has lost their job, had some financial misfortune etc. Quite often 'awww and she / he has children too' is added...as if that makes whatever has happened much worse. What so if I was terminally ill it wouldn't matter? Those sorts of comments are so common place and I get that having children means you have extra responsibilities and people depending on you, but for me it's another insidious way of society placing a higher value on those who have kids than those who don't, like we're more disposable or something. I'm childless by circumstance, and of an age now where that's not likely to change, and I'm sort of ok with it. But if I wasn't ok with it, or if I was feeling the deep all pervading grief that some of you so clearly are at being childless, I imagine the sort of throwaway comments I hear all day every day would cut deep.

Being childless (or even childfree and confident in your choice) is not always an easy place to be, and whilst as I say I am quite happy now, I still find nights out with my friends difficult as they all have young children and I struggle to join in a lot of the conversation as it revolves around kids. I have distanced myself a bit and trying to make new friends that I have more in common with, which is really quite sad.

Darlingsof · 27/10/2017 08:45

The ‘s/he has children’ when there’s a misfortune I think is an absolutely fair comment. It’s not to minimise the effect on an individual which of course is horrendous, but to highlight the effect on dependents too, who’s lives will be effected too...

Darlingsof · 27/10/2017 09:26

And yes cildfree adults can also have dependents like elderly parents too ... basically the more vulnerable people affected the worse the situation is, and that includes the affected individual ...

crazycatgal · 27/10/2017 10:00

If someone works somewhere that is open on xmas day then they should expect to work every other xmas whether they have children or not.

There will only be a tiny percentage of parents who don't have a partner, parent, sibling etc to look after their child. Saying that all parents need xmas off due to no childcare is ridiculous when most will have a family member available.

Sunrosepink · 27/10/2017 10:23

How did this thread end up being about Xmas Confused

Rebeccaslicker · 27/10/2017 10:28

Well to be fair the OP does mention Christmas leave in the opening post. But I really don't understand all the posters whining that they should get priority because they have kids.

Ironically what many of the responses have done on this thread is to answer the question of what not to say perfectly!

BlueButTrue · 27/10/2017 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gordonsdaughter · 27/10/2017 13:11

I've read this whole thread, down to the sheer genius of the comment from BlueButTrue

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2017 13:11

What I don’t really understand is why those without children/no intentions of ever having them come onto MN.
This has only been answered about fifteen times on the thread.

ElephantAndBird · 27/10/2017 13:15

I just really hate this us/them mentality - and the idea that children are a “lifestyle choice”. I think it makes it harder for women in the workplace - both those with children and those of “childbearing age”, who are discriminated against because they might have children.

Basically most of the “what not to say to people without children” stuff boils down to “don’t be a dick” and is largely common sense surely, although it does seem as though a lot of people are lacking in that department. But on the other hand, having children is just such a seismic change in your life that of course people will want or need to talk about them, and may also seek out other parents to spend time with socially because of that common bond. I don’t think that’s dickish, I think it’s just a normal reaction to the massive change in your life and identity which has occurred.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 27/10/2017 13:15

Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree, are you Blue?

OP posts:
BadLad · 27/10/2017 13:17

What I don’t really understand is why those without children/no intentions of ever having them come onto MN.

I don't understand why people come on any forum if they aren't going to read the fucking threads on it.

whiskyowl · 27/10/2017 13:19

Reported blue.

lemonsandlimes123 · 27/10/2017 13:19

elephant - but having children is a lifestyle choice, why do you object to it being described as such.

bananafish81 · 27/10/2017 13:23

@BlueButTrue what I don’t understand is how someone can be so dim as to be unable to understand basic English. It’s a forum ffs , you have to be able to read, or to comprehend posts read aloud by a screen reader. Apparently you are unable to understand the many many posts on this thread where this question has been addressed, many many times. If you lack such basic comprehension skills, why are you on MN? Some sort of remedial English course might be worth looking into...

ElephantAndBird · 27/10/2017 13:29

Lemons I find it a bit difficult to articulate* - because I think it minimises the experience of what having children is actually like.*

It just isn’t very neutral I suppose.* I think if we were able to view having children in slightly different terms - that some people do and some people don’t, it might make it easier for us all, whichever side of the “divide” we’re on. Because it might make it less likely that people without children are quizzed about why not, and that for people with children, it could be understood that it goes beyond “lifestyle”.* I feel like I’ve explained it badly, and I intend to keep thinking about it but that’s sort of what I mean I think!

ElephantAndBird · 27/10/2017 13:30

Sorry for the bold fail - no idea what happened there! Confused

lemonsandlimes123 · 27/10/2017 13:33

elephant - i think that the idea that it goes beyond lifestyle as you put it and that the experience of having children is so momentous that to call it a lifestyle choice minimises it, feeds directly into the idea that having children is a seismic event that those who don't have children are missing out on and are therefore somehow 'other'.

BlueButTrue · 27/10/2017 13:44

Sorry, I was suppose to add more to that comment.

I did not mean to press send Blush

Ex DP use to embarrass me over being on MN quite a lot a few years back!

I have been childless up until now (luckily pregnant).

It is a forum full of a lot of different non parent based topics!

Ignore my previous post, as I say, it was not suppose to be sent Blush

BlueButTrue · 27/10/2017 13:45

As you will see from my previous contributions to this post, I know what it’s like to be Childless/no children in my life even.

Still was a Mnetter though