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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start a thread about things you should not say or do to childless people

830 replies

user1485342611 · 24/10/2017 11:12

As someone who can't have children I have sometimes been shocked at how tactless and insensitive some people can be - the latest being a colleague who objects to having to work over Christmas because 'Christmas is about children. Staff with families should get priority'.

I do have a family, it just doesn't include children of my own.

AIBU to be fed up of this kind of stuff and to ask other posters in similar situations to share hurtful acts and words in the hope that it might educate those not in our situation and who don't always think before they speak/act?

OP posts:
StickThatInYourPipe · 26/10/2017 17:25

ilovesooty words are starting to fail me, they really are!

Lottapianos · 26/10/2017 17:25

Yeah Stick, and maybe you could 'get over it' and 'let it go' at the same time. Just like that Hmm

This thread really needs to go pop. It's the same arguments over and over and the same lack of thought and sensitivity

StickThatInYourPipe · 26/10/2017 17:30

Lottapianos exactly. Didn't realise it was so easy to be honest!

whiskyowl · 26/10/2017 17:32

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion."

Why is it that the people who actually say this are always arseholes trying to justify their shitholey behaviour?

NewLove · 26/10/2017 17:36

'How about just don't talk to us about children? It's either hurtful and painful, or just really, really boring. Other topics of conversation exist, people!

This 100%! I've just taken myself off my work's whatsapp group for this. It was to swap shifts but it seems to have been taken over by baby chat - a bit upsetting for me when I have not long since had a miscarriage and a relationship breakup :(

bananafish81 · 26/10/2017 17:54

* Beyond mystified you're on mumsnet if don't have children tho - don't really get that.*

Let me clear up this staggering mystery for you. Many of us joined because there is a conception and an infertility section. Would you like everyone on these boards to piss off? Should they not exist? Should they only exist for women who've successfully had a child and are TTC a sibling?

I am beyond mystified that someone who does have children would come onto a thread about childless women's experiences tho - don't really get that

StickThatInYourPipe · 26/10/2017 18:07

I really wish there was a like button on here sometimes!

Lottapianos · 26/10/2017 18:13

'Why is it that the people who actually say this are always arseholes trying to justify their shitholey behaviour?'

Yep. Always.

Rebeccaslicker · 26/10/2017 18:25

What the actual living fuck, strawberry.

Other people's inability to have children is not the same as you having to wait a few years to go on a long haul flight. How in the name of god can you not see that?!

chestylarue52 · 26/10/2017 18:41

"I don’t expect childless people to be sensitive around me when they’re talking about their fabulous travels, the freedom they have, or the opportunities being childless can bring. Most people exist in their own world, with their own priorities ..."

Well you might not expect them to be but I actually am sensitive around most people. If a person with 2 under 2 says to me "how was your weekend" I don't reply with "oh brilliant I had two long lie ins". If someone with children asks me when I'm going on holiday I don't say "oh well I'm not tied to half term so I can go when it's much cheaper". So I don't expect others to say things to me like "oh well of course you Christmas only has meaning if you have little children".

But then I'm not a horrible cunt so there is that.

MargaretCavendish · 26/10/2017 19:46

So what if your colleague thinks Xmas IS for kids? That’s there opinion and you don’t need to be mortally offended by it. God knows enough people/ colleagues have said really stupid/insensitive things to me about HAVING children including the assumption by many of them that I now have no ambition but I shrug it off. I don’t expect childless people to be sensitive around me when they’re talking about their fabulous travels, the freedom they have, or the opportunities being childless can bring. Most people exist in their own world, with their own priorities ...

Ah, another shining example of the empathy and emotional insight that only motherhood can bring.

Wholovesorangesoda · 26/10/2017 20:20

For me personally I do have a child but am unable to have more which is something I really struggle with. However. Whilst I do have a child I am always asked when I'm having another, why am I leaving it so long, have I had enough of just one? Or that 'its ok for me, I only have 1 so can't understand how tough having 3 is' or even better 'my husband just looks at me and I'm knocked up ' maybe if you stopped worrying about it it would happen' or, and I understand why this doesn't seem that bad as im lucky enough to have one child so if you have none it probably seems ungrateful to care but a lot of people tell me I have one so I should just be happy with what I've got which annoys the crap out of me cos if someone who can have kids easily had two or more kids you wouldn't ask them why they bothered having more than one.
Sorry, I'm just feeling down at the moment, I don't really fit here but there's so much people should consider whenever they ask a woman about her plans for kids, regardless of if she has one or more already

browneyes77 · 26/10/2017 20:27

I don’t expect childless people to be sensitive around me when they’re talking about their fabulous travels, the freedom they have, or the opportunities being childless can bring.

Wow, just wow 😮

Yeah I’m sure all those childless people who don’t have children because they physically can’t due to fertility issues, are just brimming from ear to ear, feeling smug about all that freedom they have. I mean it’s not as if they’ve had all their hopes and dreams smashed to pieces is it? Because they have lots of exciting holidays they can jet off on to console themselves and enjoy all that freedom they now have....

FFS 🙄🙄

browneyes77 · 26/10/2017 20:32

Wholovesorangesoda

I think your point is just as valid. People are assuming you can have more children just because you’ve had one and haven’t actually stopped to think there maybe a reason other than choice, that is stopping you from having anymore children.

m0therofdragons · 26/10/2017 20:54

IMO people are often crass and insensitive but nine times out of ten no offence is intended so it’s not worth letting it get to you.

I have 3 dds so get the head tilt “aw shame you didn’t have a boy” and “twins?! Wow that’s unlucky” which I then had to explain to my older dd.

Honestly the number of opinions I’ve heard are endless and having had miscarriages too I can add even more assumptions.

We have a single Mum at work and she has weekday childcare but struggles over Christmas when nursery closes. Despite having dc I have parents who aren’t local but help with childcare over holidays like Christmas so she gets priority. A decent manager would consider all needs but it does need to be considered whether someone has childcare and if it’s not available then presumably that parent would take parental leave so by denying annual leave a manager could end up with a member of staff on leave and parent with no childcare also taking leave.

I get that it’s crap for you but it’s pretty crap on the other side too sometimes. People can be pretty crappy.

Morestrawberriesplease · 26/10/2017 22:15

My point was OP is BU starting a thread about how insensitive people can be because most of it’s NOT deliberate. How would I know if a colleague had desperately wanted kids or not? A friend yes a colleague quite possibly not, it’s not going stop parents from talking about their kids, or wishing aloud they had Xmas off or whatever for fear of hurting someone’s feelings...

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2017 22:19

My point was OP is BU starting a thread about how insensitive people can be because most of it’s NOT deliberate.

The whole point was to make people who unwillingly upset people without children aware of how their comments make them feel so they can stop doing it. It’s right there in the last paragraph of the op...

mrspatel77 · 26/10/2017 22:21

The very worst thing I heard was.... why don’t you adopt?
Yes because it’s that simple and makes you forget that you can’t physically have your own!
Used to drive me crazy x

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2017 22:21

Here you go strawberries...

AIBU to be fed up of this kind of stuff and to ask other posters in similar situations to share hurtful acts and words in the hope that it might educate those not in our situation and who don't always think before they speak/act?

Morestrawberriesplease · 26/10/2017 22:29

My point is UNLESS you know the personal struggle of that individual TTC then do you assume ANY mention of children around people with out kids is off limits? I have friends who have chosen not to have children, oand childless
Colleagues who I don’t actually know why they don’t have kids. I also recently lost a parent and a colleague at work was having a major b@tching session about their mother. I thought she was lucky to still have her mother. That hurt my feelings but they weren’t deliberately trying to upset me as they weren’t aware of how devastated I am.

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2017 22:32

morestrawberries if you bother to read the thread, most people are saying that it’s being asked about their plans for children or why they don’t have them that’s upsetting, not necessarily others talking about their own children. Obviously if there is one person without children in a group where everyone else does they’re going to feel excluded if the topic of conversation is always kids.

StickThatInYourPipe · 26/10/2017 22:44

Morestrawberriesplease

Yeah this whole thread is about childless people saying it's hurtful when others discuss their children abround them Hmm Infact, one of the posters on this thread who has been more than supportive and kind has shared the news that she has recently fallen pregnant and not a single childless person has had a go, we are all equally happy for her and wish her and her future child nothing but positivity.

You have no reason to ask people why they don't have children etc so I don't understand your point that unless you know them you won't know about their situation so it is unfair if they get upset. Just don't ask personal questions to people you don't know why they don't have children. Don't give 'helpful' unsolicited advice about adoption or your mates sisters godmother who struggled for 'ages' and only conceived when they 'relaxed'. It's really not that difficult to understand.

bananafish81 · 26/10/2017 22:52

@Morestrawberriesplease

Right let's try this once again

Talking about your kids - not insensitive
Telling a childless colleague how lucky they are not to have kids (when you have absolutely no idea of their circumstances) - insensitive

Asking a colleague if they have kids - not insensitive
Asking a colleague why they don't have kids - insensitive

I lost my mum. Someone else talking about their own mum might give me a pang of sadness but they're not insensitive. It's not insensitive of them to talk about difficulties they may be having in their relationship with their mum. It IS insensitive if they say to me how lucky I am not to have a mum because I don't have to deal with mum related difficulties

StickThatInYourPipe · 26/10/2017 23:07

bananafish81 Am I the thick one? Becuase I am really struggling to see whit it's so difficult to understand!

GeeIneverthoughtofthat · 26/10/2017 23:26

I spent 15 years building up a career. Working long hours and getting additional qualifications. I was devastated when I found out that I was to be made redundant. My friend was a SAHM with 3 school age children and by chance her husband was also likely to be made redundant around the same time as me.

When I told my friend my news and how upset I was she said to me “oh but that doesn’t really matter though does it. If my husband is made redundant that will be so much worse”. I totally get that her stress about the potential effect on family finances may have made her speak without thinking but apparently only working parents matter when it comes to career loss. Second class citizens again.

I really wish that I had pulled her up properly about this. It was an incredibly insensitive and cutting remark at a very bad time. Maybe next time they make people redundant they should just sack all the ones without children as, you know, we don’t need jobs or careers or have bills to pay.