To start a thread about things you should not say or do to childless people

[user1485342611]

As someone who can't have children I have sometimes been shocked at how tactless and insensitive some people can be - the latest being a colleague who objects to having to work over Christmas because 'Christmas is about children. Staff with families should get priority'.

I do have a family, it just doesn't include children of my own.

AIBU to be fed up of this kind of stuff and to ask other posters in similar situations to share hurtful acts and words in the hope that it might educate those not in our situation and who don't always think before they speak/act?

@boopsy

I think anyone would agree that where someone is a single parent who has literally no childcare options other than to leave the child alone, then they should have the day off. I would agree to swap with someone if they are in that position.

However, this applies only to a minority of single parents, let alone all parents. Yet people without children are still all too often shoved to the bottom of the queue to make way for those with children, the majority of whom have options for childcare. People have explained at length on this thread why they consider that upsetting and belittling of their circumstances.

havea, 'if you have no problem disappointing your child on Christmas Day then you wouldn't be a great parent.'

What a nasty thing to say. I assume you are either hard of comprehension or are being deliberately obtuse; as Stick was able to understand (and thank you Stick), that wasn't what I was saying at all.

That was indeed a spectacularly stupid thing to say Rhiannon. Do people not actually know how hurtful they are, or just not care, I wonder?

I think this thread has made it obvious that some (and it is thankfully a minority) parents are so entrenched in their own self importance, and so blind to the needs and sensitivities of those without children, that even when it is being pointed out to them they continue to blunder on with crass and even indignant remarks about non parents daring to ask for a listening ear and a bit of sensitivity.

I mean, what is the mindset of someone coming onto a thread, set up to try and create awareness of hurtful remarks that are regularly made to those without children, to say that she thinks priority for Christmas leave should be given to those with children aged under 10. How can anyone be so lacking in awareness.

And someone coming on to effectively say that 'even my aunt who can't stand children thinks we parents have more entitlement to take Christmas Day off, so there!' ?? I mean, did that poster seriously think that was appropriate?

Bananafish, thank you for that amazing post.

This though, had me in tears laughing:

And please please don't tell us about your brother's hairdresser's girlfriend's neighbour's secretary who had been trying for 17 years and had 13 cycles and 9 miscarriages and she had blocked tubes and he had one bollock and a low sperm count and they stopped trying and went on the adoption list and went on holiday and relaxed and got drunk and OMG they have triplets

I think all that had to lurk around the infertility boards have met someone like this.

user1485342611

I would just like to add a thank you for starting this thread. It has really opened my eyes to the lack of empathy people show others.

And RhiannonOHara no worries

I finally opened up to a friend about my inability to conceive, and she said, "Just as well, you don't strike me as the type of person who'd enjoy being a mum."
Don't say that.

poisoningpidgeysinthepark

I have no words on that. Absolutely vile

Don't also say blithely ' You can have one of mine, I'm sick of them'. (Said once to a friend when she had just told us about her miscarriage).

I for years was one of the "childless" working in a frontline emergency service. I have received the intrusive comments about getting too old, speculation as soon as I was in a relationship as to when I would be pregnant. Not just by colleagues but by patients, who I am professionally obliged not to tell to "fuck off"!!

I have been severely bullied by one colleague who felt he was entitled to my Christmas Day off as he had children!! I have worked more than my share of Christmas Days over the last decade.

I chose to be a Paramedic, and I also chose to live (in a beautiful part of the UK) 4 hours from my nearest family.

I didn't even try for a baby until my mid 30s (my problem was finding a decent guy rather than fertility/Endometriosis which turned out to be no problem at all). But before I did I had to seriously look at my career and how it could possibly work around a child (12+ hour shifts can only work with local family support, childminders don't cover weekends, or 11pm when you should have finished at 7pm), I quit my permanent position and went part-time/zero hours before even TTC as I needed to see if I could make it work, otherwise I would have had to come up with a plan B, as a result nobody can tell me when to work (and that includes Christmas Day). I have compromised my career/ income in order to have a baby. But life is full of choices and compromise, and if your chosen job/ career and your childcare situation (or just your own sense of entitlement) isn't compatible then it is for you to make a compromise, not all you childfree/less colleagues. Nobody else is responsible for supporting your choice to have a family.

Someone said upthread that 'all people with children know what it's like to not have them, whereas the childless don't know what it's like to have them'. This is absolute nonsense. People who conceived their own children easily as soon as they want to have no idea what it's like.

I couldn't agree more with this

All people with children know what it's like to be child free

They have no idea what it's like to be childless

The life of someone suffering the grief of involuntary childlessness is a world away from the life you may have had before you had a child

Everyone else's lives have moved on, and you've been left behind.

Perhaps those posters who've been lucky enough to have a child and consider their childless friends and colleagues to be second class citizens, who've decided to come onto a thread entitled "things you should not say or do to childless people" (and ignore this completely to make it all about them) could perhaps take 3 mins out of their time from posting about how wronged they have been by their childless colleagues, and watch this short video, to get just the tiniest glimpse into how it feels when you desperately want to become a Mum but can't:

Watch that and then tell me you know what's it like to be childless

Thanks for posting that banana I think people need to try and have some empathy. There's this assumption in society that everyone can have kids and that it's just the normal thing that everyone does, no problem. I've never understood why people ask such personal questions about such a potentially sensitive topic.

I also hate the assumption that you're not a 'complete' person or a proper adult unless you have kids; there's plenty of immature narcisistic parents I'm sure!

I don't think you ABU. I manage people and I always pre-advise my team, that you don't get preferential treatment for any Holidays, because you have children. Family is Family, it doesn't mean you have to have children... your colleagues are being unreasonable. Don't accept it

I do have children and I would never have such an entitled attitude.

It used to piss me off at work when I went to book holidays at work in August etc and people used to moan. It was first come, first served so book it if you know you need it!

I got two and a half days with my Mum's last ever Christmas based on it not being important compared to those with families. I worked in an office that shut down from 24/12 to 3/1 but they needed someone in to man the phones...

Although I agree people should be more tactful around people who can't have kids, but I the case if the person at work saying about Christmas I agree with them. Christmas is aimed more at kids and a big deal for them, think how they would feel if their parents are at work?

Although I agree people should be more tactful around people who can't have kids, but I the case if the person at work saying about Christmas I agree with them. Christmas is aimed more at kids and a big deal for them, think how they would feel if their parents are at work?

Christmas is aimed more at kids and a big deal for them, think how they would feel if their parents are at work?

It’s fine. My mum is a nurse so often worked Christmas. It in no way ruined my childhood.

Also, millions of Christians would disagree that Christmas is about kids...

When I was young and child free I was more than happy to do the Xmas shifts, double pay etc I understand that people want time with their families in whichever way that family means to them. I was young, I'd rather be earning!

Yerroblemom1923 it’s different if you’re choosing those shifts yourself. Managers making the judgement call that your personal life doesn’t matter because you don’t have kids is what we’re talking about here.

“Maybe you just don’t truly want it enough”

“If you ever get pregnant...”

And from family members: “it’s okay if you don’t have your own now as you can babysit mine!”

Christmas is aimed more at kids and a big deal for them, think how they would feel if their parents are at work?

My dad worked every Christmas Day when I was little - it was completely normal for us, just part of the routine for the day, so of course it didn't negatively affect us.

Christmas is as much of a big deal for kids as their parents make it. I dare say if my mother was weeping and wailing all Christmas Day that it was ruined for the children because my dad was working taking care of patients in hospital, we might have been more bothered. She didn't, obviously, so we weren't.

This is way more about the parent's feelings than it is about the children's.

christmas time off should be shared fairly for all employees',I have worked many christmases in the health service, you just arrange your christmas around work, younger children don't understand older children will understand if given a sensible explanation, it is only another day for goodness sake.

Also, there is a lot of focus on Christmas in this thread which I am not sure was the OP’s original intention but surely it’s completely obvious that nobody should get priority over anyone else at popular holiday times simply due to differing life choices?! How ridiculous! Most people would much rather be with their nearest and dearest (whomever they might be) at Christmas time!