To start a thread about things you should not say or do to childless people

[user1485342611]

As someone who can't have children I have sometimes been shocked at how tactless and insensitive some people can be - the latest being a colleague who objects to having to work over Christmas because 'Christmas is about children. Staff with families should get priority'.

I do have a family, it just doesn't include children of my own.

AIBU to be fed up of this kind of stuff and to ask other posters in similar situations to share hurtful acts and words in the hope that it might educate those not in our situation and who don't always think before they speak/act?

@tempstamos* - your semantics are wrong. In the context of this thread, being 'childless' for the most part means 'not being having children event though you would very much like to' (apart from certain posters who are happy with not having children and usually describe themselves as 'childfree').

That is not in any way the same as 'a person who hasn't had children yet'. For example, my very good friend has 3 perfect, beautiful, healthy children, all conceived the first month of trying. She and her husband waited until they were ready and then started their family exactly when they wanted to.

She would never have considered herself as 'childless' before she had her children. She is not (and she would agree with me) in a position to understand how I feel, having tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant for 6 years. She is however, very supportive and empathetic, and I try and make an effort to spend time with her and her kids just as she tries to get away so we can go for a 'girls only' dinner once in a while. It's all about give and take.

Temp, go back to the hotel thread

tempstamos and Flutterbyeee

I joined this site becuase of the TTC SECTION. Obviously this means I should have stayed there and not bothered and of the real women who already have children then yeah?

I hate when people with children say to me ‘you don’t know what tired is!’ No but I do work 60-70 hours a week teaching EYFS so even though it’s a different kind of tired I’m still pretty damn tired.

Jesus, this fucking thread. Why does every thread about infertility go this way? Why are so many women with children so horrified at the idea that something might, just this once, not be all about them? It's so ironic that so many of are convinced that only motherhood brings you true empathy, but they can't just shut up and listen to other people's experiences for even a moment.

I'm in my 70s so have well and truly got over not being able to have children when I was younger.

What annoys me a bit is when meeting someone for the first time, some people go completely OTT and say, 'OMG I'm so sorry!!! Did you never try IVF?' I say thank you it's fine and no IVF when I was young etc. But they don't stop there - they then go on and on 'how dreadful for you - it must be horrendous not to be able to have children, I can't imagine how it feels (by this point I'm tempted to say 'try'), then they get onto adopting, all the while expressing their horror of my infertility. I want to scream 'STOP' I'm over it, move on but they keep spewing out nonsense [grrr]

Flutterbyeee
Not sure why people who have no children are on a site called "mumsnet...for parents by parents" to complain about how they are spoken to or treated for not being parents.

Somewhat lacking in imagination then? There are many threads which have nothing whatsoever to do with being a parent.

Another thread I’m now gonna have to leave and hide due to a tsunami of stupid: with special mention to everyone grousing on about Xmas plus shout out to @tempstamos and @flutterbyeee for extra large helpings of dumbass wilful ignorance.

If this thread gets nixed I’ll be so pissed off. Why?

SO I CAN ENSURE IM NOT BRING INSENSITIVE TO MY FRIENDS WHO CANNOT CONCEIVE WITHOUT ASSISTANCE

You know - a thread that could be of actual help to those on both sides of the fertility fence.

Jesus.

Things to not say to your mutual boss if you have children and others don't: but I need the time off, Its half term. Why does Mard even need the week off when schools are out? Why does she get priority?

Erm, because I applied first, to go to my brothers wedding. Which is in school holidays as he's marrying a teacher and therefore want a honeymoon, and I live in expatville. Whole team are expats, so everyone understands the need to go 'home' for family events.

Same person: 'I don't understand why you're stressed - you can stay late to finish things off, I have to get everything finished before 4:30 every day as I have to pick up the baby'. Yeah. Great. I love staying late to finish off my work, because I have more work allocated to me than you do because you never stay late. I'm serious - 8 in the team, 2 with no children. 80 projects. Me and other child free person have 15 each. The rest have the 50 split between 6 of them.

Also things not to say: 'it'll happen, don't worry about it. I know it's been a long time but if you believe enough, it'll happen'. I've never, ever been TTC. From my biology lessons, I'm pretty sure belief has nothing to do with whether there's actually sperm and eggs where they're supposed to be at the right time, and whether things will stay where they are even if it happens.

'You don't know what tired is.' Actually, I think I do. I suffer from insomnia, anxiety and depression. I do know what tired is, actually.

'At least you didn't have to take care of kids whilst you were ill.' You had 2 days off with a cold. I was hospitalized for 10 days with complications from bronchitis and a previous collapsed lung. Totally the same thing and of course yours was worse because you have a toddler.

And one from a friend of mine, who was told 'oh it's soooo much easier without children, I bet you're thrilled you can go away at the drop of the hat'. The last minute trip was to recover after her 14th miscarriage. The previous 'holiday' had been for IVF abroad.

If this thread gets nixed I’ll be so pissed off

Yes I will be too

When I was recovering from a hysterectomy I was told at least I didn't have to look after a young child as well like such and such a person had to after her hysterectomy.
I felt like saying 'at least she had a child to look after'.

user1485342611 and MardAsSnails that is one of the worst things you can do to someone without children. To continuously belittle any illness / stress / struggle becuase you can't possibly have it as bad as they would in be same situation because they have children to 'deal' with also

I used to hate Christmas when I was little as my mum was always working (doctor)
The best time of the year was the most miserable. We sometimes used to have Christmas Day on Boxing Day but could see all my friends out on their new bikes or skates and feel even worse.

Sigh. Do people not even bother reading threads before they comment on them now?

It's a thread to highlight how parents often, totally unaware in many cases, hurt non parents by their thoughtless remarks.

An aquaintance told me they felt nothing for the baby they held in their arms that had the same colour of hair as my baby who had died. That person doesn't know why I don't have children but it was still a fucking awful thing to say, especially to someone you don't know very well.

Flutterbyeee, you are crass in the extreme.

It's so ironic that so many of are convinced that only motherhood brings you true empathy, but they can't just shut up and listen to other people's experiences for even a moment.

LOL!

Different as i do not want children but I always at people who say "But who will take care of you in your old age ?"

What a hideous reason to bring a child into the world so that it an take care of YOU.

Is this a parenting site or a bitching site???

Ok, I got to Flutterby and Temp's contributions and my breath is actually stolen at the hurtfulness and crassness of their dump on this thread.
How fucking dare you say things like that? How many longed for babies have you buried?

Hiding this thread, I wish I'd never opened it.

@flutterbyeee

You seem to be under the impression that MN is just for parenting? If so, how do you explain boards such as infertility, conception etc, presumably there with the knowledge and consent of those who run the site?

Do you also pick on people who start threads about CF neighbours or weddings about it being a site about parenting not bitching, or do you reserve it for those struggling with infertility and starting threads about that?

@Bucketsandspoons

Exactly, the ignorance and insensitive comments go both ways.

Why would you assume that just because someone now has children that they haven’t lost babies?

tempstamos where are the other insensitive comments then?

I am not allowed to go part time at work because I don't have children.

Meanwhile, all the parents have a year's maternity, come back and have whatever hours they want and get loads of flexibility.

I keep this to myself but yes, I seethe. I really, really seethe and I hate them for it! I realise IABU and it's great my employer is so family friendly, but I feel really hard done by and upset sometimes.

I've been called a selfish bitch for not providing cousins, fucked over at Xmas by work rotas, told my opinions don't matter because I don't have children and asked why I'm on this site when I don't have children. All these things suck and people need to think before they speak. And I need to stand up for myself more!

I am not allowed to go part time at work because I don't have children.

Is that even legal?

It pisses me off that flexible working more generally is seen as something "for parents" (in most cases mothers). I'm not sure what makes someone caring for a child more deserving than someone caring for an elderly relative, for example.

This thread is so sad. I'm sorry to all of you who have suffered as a result of other's words