To start a thread about things you should not say or do to childless people

[user1485342611]

As someone who can't have children I have sometimes been shocked at how tactless and insensitive some people can be - the latest being a colleague who objects to having to work over Christmas because 'Christmas is about children. Staff with families should get priority'.

I do have a family, it just doesn't include children of my own.

AIBU to be fed up of this kind of stuff and to ask other posters in similar situations to share hurtful acts and words in the hope that it might educate those not in our situation and who don't always think before they speak/act?

Oh and my other bugbear is when someone says I should work Xmas/ Halloween/ change shift for X because 'you'll need them to do the same when you have babies!' . . . I am lacking massive chunks of my reproductive system so no, no I won't.

What has that got to do with the subject of the thread TriHard27?

Me in my late thirties, single, childless by circumstance when I always thought I'd have kids, feeling quite down about where it was all going...my mother came up with an absolute pearler "doesn't look like you're going to have children does it. Probably just as well, you're not really the type. Plus it means you can look after me when I'm old, so better all round really".

I do sometimes wonder why I still talk to her. I'm now 45, married, no kids and won't be having any and at a kind of peace with it, but I definitely won't be looking after her in her old age!

The one that annoys me that I get regularly is 'no little ones then?' . I just always say I don't like children, best way of cutting the conversation dead.

This thread is basically, what you shouldn’t say to people with children if you don’t have children just as much as it is what you shouldn’t say to childless people if you have children.
All people with children have been childless at some point too, they understand and have been in your position. However many (not all) people without children have never had children, so can mostly not judge or think they understand what it is like to have children.

"Are you sure you're doing it right?" - worse comment I ever got.

tempstamos - could you be any more condescending? And you are also entirely wrong, someone who had 2 kids before they were 30 will never have any understanding of what it is like to be someone who has no kids at 40. So no they don't understand and have very likely not been in the position. try and wrap your tiny mind around that.

Are you for real temp.

All people with children have once been in the situation that people who have been without children and know they are unlikely to have children are experiencing.

I think you win the prize for most insensitive and ignorant poster on the thread.

Sorry, there should have been a couple of question marks in my post to temp but I was so stunned at her crass post I just typed and sent without re-reading.

My DM suggested adoption very early on, StickThatInYourPipe, she absolutely didn’t have a clue, as she never had difficulty conceiving.

Worse, though, was people saying, ‘If you adopt you’ll then get pregnant’, and telling us about someone it happened to. I really didn’t want to hear it!!

“You never know true love until you’ve had children”
”My life was so empty before having children”
Etc.

Not sure why people who have no children are on a site called "mumsnet...for parents by parents" to complain about how they are spoken to or treated for not being parents.

But can I just say that this was supposed to be a thread about how badly some women without children feel when people say insensitive things, but those with kids have somehow managed to turn it into a thread about their annual leave arrangement. I'm not sure that's really in the spirit of the original intention. I know it's not meant badly, but it happens over and over again on these threads - carving out a space for those who are reluctantly childless to talk about it, wihtout being talked over. is amazingly difficult.

Sorry absolutely not meaning to thread de-rail at all. I think I felt I just had to respond to a minority of posters who insinuated that people with kids assume they have priority for requests stuff at work. Speaking personally, (and I think for the majority of working parents), I feel utterly shit when I know my childcare commitments impact on something work related and / or mean I have to request bank holidays off repeatedly, knowing it is an inconvenience and annoyance to other colleagues. It's not about feeling that my colleagues without kids don't deserve the leave as much as me, it's because I can't make any other arrangements and I don't have a choice, and I think the majority of people with kids who do this probably feel the same (although obviously I won't deny there are some entitled twatty parents). Anyway, I won't post again so as to allow the thread to continue with it's original purpose.

flutterbyee

Because it is so often parents who make the insensitive remarks to non parents so this is an excellent place to highlight some of those remarks.

Perhaps try and open your mind a bit.

Kit Kat don't feel that way - at least you ask and I prefer someone asks than makes assumptions. Besides I don't think you were the one to bring it up.

@Flutterbyeee

No more condescending than the people who have never had children but seem to think they know exactly how they would feel and act if they did.

@user1485342611

No, but all people with children have had experiance of being childless which is what your thread is entitled. How can people who have never had children, for whatever reason know what they would feel and how they would act if they did anymore than someone with children knowing how they would feel and act if they didnt?
Im saying this thread goes both ways.

@Flutterbyeee

Very good point!

Wow Flutterbyeee

It's obvious from your cruel comment, and several others on this thread, that many on Mumsnet really need this thread. Grow some empathy FFS.

I've kept out of this so far, as I'm single & childless by choice. But Flutterbyee's comment is so very insensitive that I had to comment! Have you thought that they may be on this site because they are TTC, and want to be parents, and this is one of the few places they can talk about it? And part of this particular discussion is educating parents how not to talk to childless people.

Plus I'm getting bored with the "if you're not a parent FOD" posts. Not every post on here is about children (though this one is) - everyone likes a good CF or parking thread .

Demonstrating the need for this thread, tempstamos

There's a huge difference between "not yet having children" and "being unable to have children". I worry for you if you can't see that.

Temp if you want to start a thread about things people without children say that annoy parents, go ahead.

This thread is not about that. It's a thread to highlight how parents often, totally unaware in many cases, hurt non parents by their thoughtless remarks.

You could read it and learn. Or continue to keep your mind closed.

But don't hijack it to go off on a tangent.

@user1485342611

It is, you are right many parents make insensitive remarks to nonparents (I admitedly have not intentionally done so also) But just as often it is often nonparents who make insensitive remarks to parents. This thread has clearly indicated that it goes both ways.

• So you made an account on mumsnet just to highlight the fact that parents are making insentive comments to non parents or were you already a member?

You really haven't a clue temp. With each post you sound more and more self absorbed and lacking in empathy.

No I was already a member. Are only parents allowed to post on Mumsnet?

Flutterbyeee - really???

You cannot see why people who are not yet parents or never may be might post here? Ever occur to you that they post in our infertility topics? Our miscarriage /Bereavement topics?

Are you really that thick?

Being childless then having children is very very different to the pain and longing of infertility & accepting you will never have children.

People who struggle to conceive will understand how hard it is, but not all people.

If all people understood what it felt like to not have children then very few of the insensitive things listed on this thread would ever have been said. And no, heart-breakingly, I will never know what it is like to have children, and can only imagine what it would be like for us.

"Hurry up - all your eggs will be shriveled & dried up " - worse comment I got. Went home and sobbed, and I am normally very robust about it as generally things are said without thinking and are not meant as hurtful.

The other thing is if someone says "it is not something that will ever happen for us" please take it at face value and not persist.