Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to buy DNiece a crappy Christmas present?

126 replies

whateveryousay · 23/10/2017 20:01

Background story. I have 4 DC, all over the age of 10, 2 are adults. SIL and BIL have only just had their first DC, so this will be their first Christmas.

For previous Christmasses, SIL has bought me and my DH, and my kids absolute tat. To the point where we open our presents, and have a little private competition about who can feign the most delight over what is basically crap. Now, I am fully aware I must sound very grabby at this point, but for context, she bought my 18 year old son a plastic egg cup from a charity shop last year. Random, and can’t have cost more than 50p. These people are not loaded, but are by no means poor. I genuinely believe she has bought me and my kids the bare minimum she thought she could get away with, in order to have something to wrap.

I have previously bought SIL and BIL nice gifts, I’ve set my own standards, if you like.

However, now they have DC too. I just can’t bring myself to buy a decent gift, and have my kids watch DN unwrap something great, while they get the usual tat. Just seems very unfair. DH thinks I should continue taking the moral high ground, and get something decent for DNiece, but I just don’t want to!

AIBU?

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 23/10/2017 20:53

how awful. she is that is. i'd give an extremely large, extremely loud, extremely plastic toy that has no off button. like a furby but 20 x bigger.

WhyamIBoredathome · 23/10/2017 20:54

Buy her a kazoo.

Chembabe · 23/10/2017 20:54

Moral high ground every time. We have an uncle (also a godparent to DD2) who has never yet remembered a birthday or given a Christmas gift despite being a real spend-a-holic himself - she's now 16 - and the whole family just laugh and say "well that's just him isn't it?!". His daughter always gets a very thoughtful gift from us, we love her dearly - my sweet revenge is always to buy what I call consumable messy stuff - finger paints, play-do, slime etc so get your own back on them later whilst still giving the little one some fun!!

Original poster
whateveryousay · 23/10/2017 21:01

To those who are saying it’s not been fair to receive gifts for 6 of us, while only buying two, I assure you, her gifts for my whole family have not cost more than £5 (and I’m not exaggerating), while my gifts for the two of them have averaged £40. And as I’ve said, this is not a question of lack of money.

OP posts:
Iris65 · 23/10/2017 21:03

My sister never, ever bought our DS birthday or Christmas presents. We always bought our niece and nephew decent presents because they are gifts, not economic transactions. I am glad that we did.

kath6144 · 23/10/2017 21:05

Whilst ideally you should keep the moral high ground, I know from experience how very hard it is.

I have a twat for a DB, he has one DD, now early 20s, I have a DS approaching 20 and DD17.

DB has regularly, over the years, decided I had said something not very nice to mum about him (not hard, he has never worked, lazy, bullying, had mum wrapped around his finger) and his 'punishment' was to not buy my 2 anything that year (adult presents stopped many years earlier). I always took the moral high ground, sent my DN something every birthday and Xmas.

Then I found out he had blackmailed mum into giving him a large amount of money (frogmatching her to bank, in his own words!).

He didnt like that I had found out (he had told her not to tell me, she blurted it out when ill) and pledged never to send my DC anything again. He has kept to his word, which included DSs 18th.

I couldnt go NC with him, as mum was terminally ill. He was nastier than ever during that last year (even threatening me with police!) but actually rang me to remind me of his DDs birthday ("even though I am no longer buying yours anything"). Fuck that for a game of soldiers. His DD got nothing that year and last year, her 21st. I did feel sad for her, but felt I had to show I wouldn't be bullied.

This year I sent a card plus some money, for graduation, which gave me the opportunity to give her my contact details so I can now have direct contact with her (couldn't trust him to give me or her the correct details!) and sent a card and text on her birthday. She has thanked me for all of them.

My DC hate him with a vengeance, so whilst he thought he was upsetting them by not sending them anything, all he has done is shown himself in his true colours. DS struggled to be in funeral car with him when mum died, as far as he is concerned his uncle is no longer part of his life from hereon in. Can't blame him!! I am v low contact with him, and it will be even less now I have direct contact with my niece.

Mrsmadevans · 23/10/2017 21:06

I had this for years and years with my bil and sil. It was made worse by the mil taking their side and thinking and saying that their presents were wonderful and it wasn't because the presents were shit, it was because I just didn't like the sil. It wasn't that at all I just felt so angry at the meanness of them and the complete bias mil showed towardthem , the bil was the golden child of course. I am reading this back and I feel awful and mil has been dead over two years, I did love her very much which is prob why l was so upset by it all. It's the meaness and the unfairness of it all. I definitely would tell them that you are not going to do presents for anyone from now on. Use a great excuse from somewhere like the childrens uni costing a fortune etc etc . YADNBU op

grobagsforever · 23/10/2017 21:09

This is one of the many reasons I don't buy xmas gifts. Or receive them

BarbarianMum · 23/10/2017 21:09

Allowing yourself and your children to be treated with contempt is not keeping the moral highground, it's moral cowardice.

LostwithSawyer · 23/10/2017 21:16

A very loud toy from the charity shop. Problem solved. Grin

KH369 · 23/10/2017 21:16

Buy her a decent present this year - her first christmas that her parents will remember forever. Then buy shit every year after. She may up her game this year knowing she doesn't want to receive tat for her child. I hate buying for nieces and nephews as we have a similar problem with my SIL but I just don't actively look for presents for them anymore, just if i come across something I think one would like then I get it, usually doesn't cost more than a tenner if i can help it - but it's the thought that counts, right?

DJBaggySmalls · 23/10/2017 21:18

whateveryousay What DNiece would not love the gift of a kazoo?
Claim the moral high ground by stating you are fostering their love of music.

Maelstrop · 23/10/2017 21:21

I think I'd say no presents for each other or each other's families from now on. Much easier.

Chestervase1 · 23/10/2017 21:22

Just tell her that you have decided not to buy gifts anymore and that you are sure she will understand.

Kpo58 · 23/10/2017 21:28

Buy the VTech Little singing Alfie/Happy Lights Bear. It's is the most annoying thing you have ever heard (see YouTube to understand why). Your niece will love it. Grin

Next year, start with the Toot Toot range...

C0untDucku1a · 23/10/2017 21:33

It would not surprise me if the gifts suddenly improved, as they have a child now. My sister buys absolute crap for me and my children every year. From the pound shop. Mean as. She has already bought my children’s for this year. Not from the pound shop at all! And she made a point of telling me it wasnt even second hand! Guess who now has a baby...

Beeziekn33ze · 23/10/2017 21:35

Buy her a Christmas tree bauble with her name on it. This will remind them of you every year!

WhyWouldYouThinkThat · 23/10/2017 21:44

As already suggested I'd buy a board book. I wouldn't give it anymore thought. I think you should also suggest not doing presents apart from your niece. You can just buy her a little present each year.

LeaningJowler · 23/10/2017 21:48

I would turn the game into trying to find the most annoying present for DN, so loud garish plastic noisy toys, that sing irritating ear worms. DN will love it and it will drive SIL and BIL crazy!

ZuzuMyLittleGingersnap · 23/10/2017 21:53

No, no, no, OP,

You're missing the golden opportunity to assume a deadpan expression and tell SIL that, after much discussion, the unanimous family decision for a gift that really reflected her generosity of Christmas spirit was...

"Pile Of Poo" (charity manure fertiliser)
www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/oxfam-unwrapped/grow-vegetables/pile-of-poo-ou1007ml

But I'd still buy your Niece something simple, decent, and inexpensive.
She's not responsible for parental twattery!

('Twattery' assuming you're 100% sure they're genuinely not struggling financially/ have debts/ putting on a front?
Might there be pride issues, so buying what to you are 'obvious' tat presents is less awkward than an honest conversation about what they can't afford).

BTW, why hasn't your DH been buying his own sister and family's gifts? Would have saved you needing to feel involved about their treatment of your kids all these years.

Families, eh?

SabineUndine · 23/10/2017 21:58

I’m like grobags I don’t do Christmas because I got tired of spending time and money finding nice gifts for people who bought me calendars and socks in return. I have one niece and she gets a LOT from me on her birthday.

hmmwhatatodo · 23/10/2017 22:01

Get a plain bauble and ‘personalise’ it (write name in glitter pen) or something. No point to take the higher ground and spend money if they won’t appreciate it. I spent well over £100 on new baby gifts, £20 on 1st birthday, impromptu Easter gift for a family member. Do you think I even got a happy birthday message from them? Nope.

Santawontbelong · 23/10/2017 22:01

Tell them you are doing home made gifts this year and knit dn a scarf!!

Wdigin2this · 23/10/2017 22:13

At a young age it doesn't matter what you get your niece. I'd buy her something to wear from Tesco, Asda or whatever, they have lovely stuff, for very low prices!

Trailedanderror · 23/10/2017 22:27

Toxic Sil used to give us (well not me, DH and dcs) really crappy joke presents, football loo minibook, notepads and I send decent stuff for their dcs and a tv cookbook (they're foodies) for them. Last few years she's 'forgotten' and so this year I'll do vouchers for the dcs and cheese plates I won in a raffle for them. They hate cheese. I just about keep the high ground and it's definitely not the dcs fault.