Christmas WWYD/who is BU?

[turkeystuffing]

Background - Colin and Betty spent Christmas alternating between their families with their 1 DC. They spent Christmas with Colin’s family in 2014 then split up in 2015. Not wanting to miss seeing the DC, they spent Christmas in 2015 with Betty’s parents. By this point, Betty was seeing Alan who spent Christmas 2015 with his former PIL and his 1 DC. Alan’s family are all based overseas.

Come Christmas 2016, Alan and Betty were on a break but Betty was newly pregnant with their DC. It was Colin’s turn to go to his family but he chose to stay at home and invited Betty to spend Christmas with him and their DC. Separately Alan decided to go with his DC overseas to see his parents. During 2017, Alan and Betty reconciled and now live together with Alan’s DC, Betty’s DC and their new baby.

Here is the WWYD...

Alan’s sister, Diana, did not go and visit him Christmas 2016 as she was at her DH’s family so she booked flights to come for Christmas 2017. Alan’s parents were invited but declined due to cost of flights.

This would be Betty’s year to take her DC to visit her parents. Betty offered Colin to swap so he had their DC this year and Betty and Alan could go to her parents next year. Colin agreed and Betty’s parents agreed 2018 for hosting and made alternative plans for 2017.

Diana has now cancelled her visit as her MIL died so Alan and Betty are left without visitors or Betty’s DC who will be away with Colin. Alan’s parents and Diana want to visit next year or have Alan and Betty go and visit with the children but Betty has agreed to go to her parents.

WWYD?

Further info....

Betty’s family live reasonably local and visit/babysit regularly
Betty will have her first DC on alternate years now despite having the last two with Colin and DC
Alan’s family haven’t included him in other family occasions which he is sad about
Alan’s family are a long haul flight and a visit is booked for A, B plus DC to visit in Summer 2018
Diana’s DH didn’t want to visit before his DM died
Alan and his parents think Betty should have spent Christmas 2016 with her parents instead of with Colin

[MimiSunshine]

Unless the cost of flights were insanely prohibitive I’d book to go and see the in laws this Christmas (if Mohammed won’t cone to the mountain and all that) but no changing of plans.
Yes Christmas 2018 is a rather long way off but unfortunately when there are multiple families to manoeuvre then the plans have to stay as they are

[KurriKurri]

I think betty and Alan should stay put, and anyone who wants to see them shoudl come to them (if necessary stay in a b and b if their house is too small to accomodate guests)
so this year - Betty and Alan stay home with his kids as planned.
Next year Betty's parents plus and of Alan's relatives who happen to be in the vicinity visit on Christmas day. Get them all to bring food.
It is easier for those without children to travel to Alan and Betty's.

It doesn't matter what Alan's parents think about last year, Alan and Betty were on a break and anyway it is none of thier business.

Alan seems to have brought a lot of complications with him, - any chance of Betty getting back together with Colin ?

[Hissy]

Won't Betty and Alan have their own child together with them? they are not alone, they can spend a smaller christmas with their child

[PrimalLass]

I think if Betty and Colin are amicable then it would be fine to say: Plans have fallen through so would you prefer to swap back? If not that’s fine.

[Downhillatfifty]

This is bonkers unless everyone is particularly religious everyone needs to chill about Christmas Day itself. This is just sensible no need to worry about fairness or who is BU.
Alan and Betty should stay at home every Christmas and invite anyone who wants to come to come to them. Betty's parents are local so should be able to come to celebrate a "Christmas Day" on a day when Betty has her DC at home with the other children.
Alan's parents / sister can be invited and can come or not as time/cost allows again not necessarily on Christmas Day itself flights slightly before or after Christmas may be cheaper and surely it's better if they can come at all rather than worrying about them being there on the actual day.
Colin's Christmas arrangements should stand and Alan and his parents need to have a word with themselves about worrying what Betty and Colin did for Christmas in 2016 it was non of their business if Betty and Alan were not together at that time.
Christmas is a great time of the year and made even more special if families can be together but if you need a spread-sheet going back several years to work it all out then everyone is BU.

[TorNayDoh]

Took me ages to figure this out, but yes. Don't mess Betty's parents about. Alan's parents have made plans. Tough that Alan is now sad about that but he's only sad because the other plan fell through. Betty and Alan should make their own plans as a couple for Christmas.

Colin sounds nice. Betty and Alan sound hard work.

[KH369]

Alan and Betty should take this year off! Have Christmas at home by yourselves. Then make a new plan for the foreseeable years.

[disappearingninepatch]

Alan seems to have brought a lot of complications with him, - any chance of Betty getting back together with Colin ?

^This

[Whinesalot]

This is so funny with everyone trying to get their heads round the complicated plot.

Don't try to write a book op.

[Notreallyarsed]

Make plans, stick to them. Job done.
I really can’t be coping with faffing and family politics at Christmas. Make a plan, stick to the plan, even if someone else pulls out.

[BewareOfDragons]

Past Christmases can't be rewritten. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, shut those conversations down.

Arrangements have been made for this year and next. They should honor the arrangements and then plan to do what THEY want in 2019 onwards. I recommend staying home, tbh. I don't get the requirement that parents and children must travel to grandparents every year. Be firm. Spend Christmas at home if that's what they want to do. Visit others at cheaper travelling times of the year.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

I need a Spreadsheet in case Eric appears

[AvoidingDM]

Op are you Betty?

[Glumglowworm]

I don't understand why Diana visiting meant Betty's kids should be elsewhere? They could've just all gone to Betty's parents as planned

But now that the swap has been arranged it should be stuck to

Betty and Colin and their child are not alone at Christmas, they are a family of three while their other dc are elsewhere

Honestly everyone should just stay put in their own homes at Christmas. Children should either see both their parents or alternate. Adults should stop pressuring themselves to please anyone who isn't a child.

You realise that in twenty years when your DC have their own DC that the whole thing could be on a four year cycle? (Her mum one year, his mum the next, her dad the next, then his dad). That's insane! Hopefully they'll have the sense to stay at home with their partner and children.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

On the years that Betty has both dc then she either goes to parents or invite them to her so they see both dc together. On the years when Colin has the oldest son then either she stays home with Alan and child or they go ?every two/four years to his parents -or every year. They have to announce that going forward this is 'the plan' and hope that Frankie and Edward don't get embroiled in the family too. It might take a year or two to get into sequence.

[emmyrose2000]

Everyone should just go to Disney World.

[Quartz2208]

So basically everything was changed with Colin and Betty's parents to accomodate Alan and his family's wishes. Now that a sad event has occurred Alan and his family expect the plans to be changed to fit in with what they want. Not only that they are judging the very amicable plans that Colin and Betty had for the sake of their child because if Betty had gone to her parents it would be easier!

What is fairest. Well no more messing others around, people have changed their plans to accomodate Alan and Betty so they need to stick. Alan and Betty can have a nice Christmas with their DC and Alan's (where is the mum of Alans in this)

Alans family sound really hard work and Alan should stand up to them and tell them that is how it will be and stop pandering to his mother and sister

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I think for the first time on MN I am going to say TL;DR. But good luck OP.

[turkeystuffing]

Glumglowworm Betty’s parents can’t accommodate Diana, her DH and their DC as well as Betty, Alan plus 2 DC and a baby as Betty has a sibling with a DC too. Betty’s parents haven’t met Alan’s wider family either.

[Dozer]

Agree avoidingDM: guess that OP is Betty and that her DP Alan is causing the bother.

[Stopyourhavering]

This reads like a whodunnit!
When our dcs were little we always stayed at out home and if any family wanted to see us on Christmas Day they came to us.....
I'd do a mega buffet for Boxing Day so it didn't matter who and when they arrived

[CardinalCat]

Stick to the original plans and tell Alan to stop overcomplicating things. His family sounds like a bit of a shambles and the more you bend over to accommodate people like that, the more they take the piss IME.

[WitchesHatRim]

Agree avoidingDM: guess that OP is Betty and that her DP Alan is causing the bother.

I agree too.

[Eliza9917]

Everyone should just stay at home and save everyone else all the upheaval, fucking around, and stress of their nonsense. Job done.

[MatildaTheCat]

Here's the truth of it, when you have a big and complicated family you can't please everyone and that's especially true of Christmas. So Betty and Alan should do whatever they wish to and refuse to commit to anything that's well over a year ahead.

This Christmas they should also do whatever they please. Visit Betty's parents or have them over? It doesn't have to be for the whole day or the main meal.

Very soon I fear that Ethel and Fred are going to make an appearance so Betty needs to toughen up and learn the word no.