Money given to me by friend because I'm broke

[thejanuarys]

My history is awful one - abusive ex in so many ways, but one way is he's harmed my work opportunities. So, I'm now living in overdraft and it's difficult for me to go back into credit.

I spoke of my difficulties with friend, who mentioned it to her parents.

They have kindly put £500 through my letter box this morning, saying they know of my difficulties, and whilst what they've given won't solve my problems, it may help a little.

Wow! That's an understatement. It is a lifeline. Much needed.

But here's my dilemma.
Do I keep it? I feel embarrassed, sad, and awkward bec of my situation that I can't provide adequately for my and dc, (even though situation imposed upon us by abusive ex) but at the same time I am so grateful that I know such kind people.

I give to charity as often as I can (in the last few days, buying Big Issue, paying for one woman's bus fare, giving £1 each to two people who begged on the street for money) and I have a monthly standing order to Unicef, set up when I was in a position to be able to give without 'noticing' it in my bank balance.

But taking charity just makes me feel awkward.

WIBU to say 'thank you but I can't take it?'

Or should I swallow my pride and take this handout?

Constructive, discursive answers only please.

Keep it. They will be hurt if you don't. They obviously care about you and are in a position to make a difference.

I would write a thank you letter, let them know what it means to you.

Feel free to repay in future if you're in a position to, but don't turn their lovely gesture into something different.

Good luck to you and your DC.

Write them a letter saying thank you, and if you can, make them something, like a cake or some cookies. A little thought goes a long way.

I’ve given to money to friends, friends of friends in the past... I’ve never expected it back. I didn’t want it back. I would have hated for them to have felt indebted and unable to accept a gift. I’ve also received from my parents and inlaws in the past who wanted to help.

Awwlookatmybabyspider - I meant she feels awful for taking it not she feels awful in general!

Embrace the fact you have people who care about you op!! The money will make a huge difference to your life - thats the idea - let them do this for you - accept the help like others have done with your cash!!

Yes, keep it. Don't throw their kindness back in their faces. I have to echo pp, though... I've never heard anything so daft as someone living permanently on overdraft, struggling to feed their kids donating to charity on a monthly dd.
You need to get your priorities straight.

Keep the money and write a lovely thank you letter.

But... make sure you use the money responsibly. If you are likely to be in difficult financial circumstances for the foreseeable future, you need to start budgeting very carefully. £500 may seem like a lot but it won't last forever. You definitely shouldn't be donating to charity if you are struggling to provide for your own children.

Keep it with thanks and send them a letter or a nice card. Don’t promise to pay it back. When our good friends gave us £10000 we offered to set up a direct debit to pay it back. They refused because their intention wasn’t to give us a debt to worry about but to give us a buffer. We used £3000 to clear cc’s etc and will try to save to add to the ‘buffer’.

The world would be a happier place if we learnt to both give and receive a little more freely without feeling endebted or precious about what is ours.
^^
This

Coconutella - if everyone was more like you the world would be a much better place.

If I was in a position to help a friend out and they declined I’d be a bit upset. You haven’t asked, it’s their decision to give you it. Accept it gracefully.

Sometimes nice things happen to nice people. Accept the gift OP and write them a nice thank you note.

Hopefully this is the start of a better future for you all, away from the ex.

Can I offer a slightly different perspective?
I have done this a couple of times in the past(not as much as this admittedly) On one occasion the recipient was horribly embarrassed and refused point blank to take it, gave it back to me in front of four other people. I'd just wanted her and her kids to enjoy their school holiday but ended up feeling like a total idiot... I blush to think of it now!! She probably felt even worse.

So, op please don't do this to your friend. Accept it and tell them how touched you are then, when the time is right, pay it forward.... As cheesy as it is, I love the idea of a sum of money travelling through several owners, helping them out of a rough patch.

Definitely keep it, write them a beautiful note saying how much their support means to you. Don’t feel guilty, £500 is an awful lot of money to me and to you at the moment, but I have plenty of family and friends to whom that money is a night out, a hand bag or a pair of shoes. I’m not saying their donation isn’t super kind but they wouldnt have intended to add extra worry and guilt to you at a difficult time if they couldn’t afford to give it in the first place.

Keep it and thank them when you're a bit more stable.
What a wonderfully kind gesture.

Accept it gracefully and then when you are in a better position, you can pay it forward by doing something for someone else in need - though it sounds like you are already quite generous even with limited resources

Keep it. Thank your friend and use it for the intended purpose (to help dig your way clear of the shit your ex left you in).
To give it back would be a slap in the face to them, so no don't refuse. That action would be more about salving the worthy side of your conscience rather than accepting you are in a position to need help and they were in a position to help and actually did (instead of just telling you to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with it).

Cancel the direct debit. Not only can you not afford it but charities these days are not exactly that. Most of the money goes to the corporate side of things. Where you can do the most good is by donating your time. Give to your local food bank, volunteer for a shelter etc. Do something practical for whatever charities you support.

Thank you to all of you who have given me thoughtful advice.

I did have a bit of an existential moment. Around the concept of charity / neediness / desperation / lack of self-sufficiency / the notion of 'pride'. A lot of emotional and ethical questions arise out of this simple act - things that didn't even occur to me surfaced to the front of my thinking.

I am working, but in debt, due to the actions of my abusive ex sabotaging my work opportunities. But I can still work, and hopefully I'm resourceful enough to get back into credit at least, although I'm never going to be wealthy (financially) by any stretch of the imagination.

But I am grateful for emotinal kindness that I've received from friends during my time of need. The financial kindness shown by my friend's parents was unexpected and out of the blue.

They gave me a lifeline, and for that I will be eternally grateful for. I can buy new uniform and winter shoes for my DC without worry, for starters.

However, I don't think I will stop giving the odd £1 to those who beg, because for them, they are in a truly desperate situation.

I found it 'awkward' to be at the receiving end of 'charity'. Because how awful not to be able to be self-sufficient? The feelings it brought up in me are unexpected and also throw light upon your very being. But the people who gave me the lifeline did it as an act of charity - kindness, generosity of spirit, warmth towards a fellow human being - and I've received it in that spirit.

So, how much more awful for those who have no other option but to beg? They do not have the support structure I have. Who would help them? Maybe my £1 allowed them a little help they needed.

So, maybe my mentality has been the reason that I've received such kindness today. I'd like to think so.

I have sent my friend's parents a thank you letter, receiving their kindness in the simple honest way it was intended. And I will now be able to sleep and function with a little more ease than a few days ago when I looked at my bank balance!

x

Take it gracefully with a thank you and one day you may be able to repay the favour in some way, or do something kind for someone also struggling some day.

Definitely keep it and write them a lovely letter, I had a friend who was having a very very tough time financially so one day I dropped round a letter (anonymously) but she totally knew it was me, with £200 and also some treats for her 3 cats. Apparently it made her cry (in a good way) . I could afford to do it and it was a win win because knowing how chuffed she was made me really happy too.

Was it cash through the letter box? It's a good thing you don't own dog(s). I concur with others to stop the charitable act for now especially the big issue and Unicef. I've had a look, minimum donation is £5/month.

Stop being altruistic when you can't even afford to look after yourself. Not to be a debby downer the majority that I've come across asking for money for bus fare aren't genuine. If I was your friend and find that you're giving away money foolishly, I would side eye you and would be wary of offering the huge gift of money in future.

There's a BBC TV Show which can be viewed on IPlayer, A Matter of LIfe and Debt.

Just out of curiosity, how did you ex sabotage your work opportunities. You can help out and be charitable if you've got the spare time without forking out money. Is there like a soup kitchen or shelter nearby where you can help out dishing out meals or food prepping.

Keep it. You can pay back when u can.
Don’t give any more charity. You can start again when u have a better financial situation.
How has he ruined your chances of work? Is there anything u can do from Home for example such as Avon?

I've given money to friends before when they've been in dire straits. I've done it because I love them and I'm in a position to help. This is a beautiful gesture of kindness, you didn't ask for it, they've given it because they can afford to and you need it. Don't return it! Send them a card telling them just what this will mean to you. Once you get on your feet make.a sincere offer to give it back but I almost guarantee they won't want it.

Hope you can get yourself sorted out x

I'm quite surprised by the unanimity of the responses of your own giving. For me what I give away is the first thing I budget for - because if it was the last thing, I would fid a reason to keep spending it on myself/my own needs.

Even when I've had very little, so the amount was small, I've given a proportion.
I've done similar to your friend's family, but smaller amounts, a few times. And I absolutely wouldn't be disappointed that they give some of it away. Partly because it's a gift, and it's only a true gift if it doesn't come with strings attached as to how it's spent.

Don't lose your spirit of generosity thejanuarys - I suspect your friends see it and live that about you.

Omg your post at 3.01 brought a lump to my throat. You sound like a very kind person op. And now it's your turn to be on the receiving end of someone's kindness. They sound like lovely people

How did your ex impact your "work opportunities"? You clearly do work, how is he affecting you?