Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money given to me by friend because I'm broke

112 replies

thejanuarys · 23/10/2017 11:34

My history is awful one - abusive ex in so many ways, but one way is he's harmed my work opportunities. So, I'm now living in overdraft and it's difficult for me to go back into credit.

I spoke of my difficulties with friend, who mentioned it to her parents.

They have kindly put £500 through my letter box this morning, saying they know of my difficulties, and whilst what they've given won't solve my problems, it may help a little.

Wow! That's an understatement. It is a lifeline. Much needed.

But here's my dilemma.
Do I keep it? I feel embarrassed, sad, and awkward bec of my situation that I can't provide adequately for my and dc, (even though situation imposed upon us by abusive ex) but at the same time I am so grateful that I know such kind people.

I give to charity as often as I can (in the last few days, buying Big Issue, paying for one woman's bus fare, giving £1 each to two people who begged on the street for money) and I have a monthly standing order to Unicef, set up when I was in a position to be able to give without 'noticing' it in my bank balance.

But taking charity just makes me feel awkward.

WIBU to say 'thank you but I can't take it?'

Or should I swallow my pride and take this handout?

Constructive, discursive answers only please.

OP posts:
Fffion · 23/10/2017 12:23

That is so generous of them.

Do get help though. You need to reassess your outgoings.

I recommend contacting an organisation such as CAP .

MatildaTheCat · 23/10/2017 12:23

Older people often have more money than they actually need. They are clearly fond of you and want to help. Send a card and perhaps keep in touch intermittently updating them on your progress as you re establish your life. I'm sure that would mean a lot to them.

And above all, use it wisely. That would mean most of all.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/10/2017 12:24

Take no bloody notice Sunandmoon

Judydreamsofhorses · 23/10/2017 12:24

Slightly different, but I just received a cheque from my mum to pay for some expensive dental work I need. When she offered initially I said, no, thanks, that is kind but we will find the money. She was really hurt and said that she can easily afford it (which I know she can) and wanted to help, so I should accept it with good grace.

I think you should do the same, OP - bake the people a cake or something to say thank you as well as sending a letter or thanking them in person, and pay it back or forward when you can.

MrsHathaway · 23/10/2017 12:25

If you consider it a gift not for you but your children, is that easier to accept? You could open a separate account for it and use that for children's never-ending expenses such as school shoes, dinner money, etc which would relieve the burden on your own account and allow you to reduce your overdraft over time.

Agree with pps about checking it's definitely a gift and not a loan (but it's not likely to be a loan) and saying you'll pay it forward.

And stop being so financially generous to people while you're short of money. Be generous with your time instead, and wait to be generous with money once you're back afloat.

Notreallyarsed · 23/10/2017 12:27

What a kind and lovely friend OP, I’d take it in the spirit it was intended and either pay it back when/if you can or “pay it forward”.

I got a lot of help after I left my abusive ex, either financial or hand me downs from friends and now I’m in a better position I always try to help someone else. I wish I had £500 to give to someone who needed it, I’d do it.

pallisers · 23/10/2017 12:28

Keep it. I know my mother did this in the past and I know she got an enormous amount of pleasure out of helping someone directly. Send a note of thanks, pay back when you can, use it wisely, cancel unicef etc until you are back on your feet and mind yourself. Some day you may be able to help someone out like this too.

Lweji · 23/10/2017 12:28

The only problem is you feeling that you owe them and going way above what you'd expect from friends (say, babysitting, choosing places to go, etc).

If it makes you feel bad just taking the money, though, would it be possible for you to agree with her that you help her in some way (babysitting, cleaning, whatever) and that you "charge" local rates, so that you feel it was payment for work and not just a handout?

MNOverinvestor · 23/10/2017 12:30

Establish whether it's a gift or a loan from your friend. It sounds like the former and possibly just what you need - and they want to do. Trying to pay them back may make them feel awkward. Perhaps - as long as it is a gift - say you hope to be able to do the same for someone else one day.

rhnireland · 23/10/2017 12:32

I'd take the money and quietly put a card in their letterbox thanking them. I'd pay them back when doing so was possible/practical

I'd stop the dd's to the charities till you're in a better place financially.

And I'd remember how helpful your friend was to you in your time of need and hope to be able to do it for a friend in the future

BewareOfDragons · 23/10/2017 12:34

Accept it. Plan, budget and find a way to get back on your feet.

And stop giving money away until you are firmly back on your feet. That's not what the gift was for.

Boynamedsue · 23/10/2017 12:34

How lovely of them. Please don't give it back, they've given it to you because they want to. I would write them a heartfelt letter about what it means to you and that you hope to be able to pay it back someday.

Make the most of it OP, you need it, they've given it. I hope it really helps you out.

And...cancel the cheque stop giving to charity. You need to look after yourself first.

Boynamedsue · 23/10/2017 12:35

Stupid strike through fail.

BlueSapp · 23/10/2017 12:39

You absoultly should keep it, its no different to what you decribed you do yourselg, giving people a little money etc would you have been offended if the woman on the bus refused to let you pay her fair? If they can afford to give you £500 then you should be grateful you have such generous friends who recognise need. We should all strive to be the best person in life we can be and this is how they are choosing to reflect that, don't let it go unoticed. Flowers

Rubies12345 · 23/10/2017 12:43

I would take it but pay it back when you can.

Have you used the benefit calculator to see what benefits you might be entitled to?

SomeBananasAreStillGreen · 23/10/2017 12:43

I am in a similar situation. My friends (who are also skint ) have been bringing me gifts of coffee, meat and vegetables.

It's hard, isn't it op? But sometimes you have to let people help you.

coconutpie · 23/10/2017 12:44

Why are you giving away money yourself to random people on the street / bus / wherever and UNICEF when you don’t have enough money for your own immediate family!!! That is absolute madness. Accept the help from your friend and stop donating to charity when you can not afford to.

diddl · 23/10/2017 12:52

It's fro your friends parents, not your friend, isn't it?

How well do you know the?

I mightnot want to accept if I didn't know them well.

Sharl2017 · 23/10/2017 12:56

Say thank you, be appreciative and keep it. Let them see how much it has helped and don't waste it. Charity starts at home, look after yourself and your dc before giving to others. Put yourself first. Once back on your feet you can discuss repayment plans with them.

Good luck OPFlowers

JemimaLovesHamble · 23/10/2017 12:57

I know it's hard to go against your nature but please stop giving money to other people while you yourself are in need. It's a trap I fell into. Focus on getting back on your feet first and then you can help others.

Send your friends' parents a card if you would be too embarrassed to thank them face to face. There are some lovely people about.

Jaxhog · 23/10/2017 12:59

Keep it, and look for a way to repay them in the future.

And stop giving to charity! Charity begins at home.

SonicBoomBoom · 23/10/2017 13:01

Say thank you very much, tell them it will make a big difference and give you a little breathing room.

Tell them you will pay it back once you're back on your feet.

But it sounds like you're not great at prioritising spending. You need to get a handle on that. You're giving money to people on the street when you can't afford to look after your children? That's not kindness, that's stupidity.

Glumglowworm · 23/10/2017 13:02

Accept it! Pay it back when you can afford to without it putting you back in this situation

And ffs stop giving what little money you have away!

If you feel passionately about charity then volunteer your time but right now you can't afford to give financially.

Jaxhog · 23/10/2017 13:04

PS. I've done this in the past. It gives enormous pleasure to be able to help someone like this when you can. The best thing you can do is to send a lovely thank you card and to use this gift wisely.

coconuttella · 23/10/2017 13:07

I would keep it for now, but make sure you pay it back in the future, and tell THEM you are going to pay it back.

No!
This was very likely given as a gift, not a loan. I would say thank you, and offer to pay it back... and act accordingly to their response. In the likely event they make it clear they don’t want it back, accept it gracefully without guilt.

The world would be a happier place if we learnt to both give and receive a little more freely without feeling endebted or precious about what is ours.

Swipe left for the next trending thread