Money given to me by friend because I'm broke

[thejanuarys]

My history is awful one - abusive ex in so many ways, but one way is he's harmed my work opportunities. So, I'm now living in overdraft and it's difficult for me to go back into credit.

I spoke of my difficulties with friend, who mentioned it to her parents.

They have kindly put £500 through my letter box this morning, saying they know of my difficulties, and whilst what they've given won't solve my problems, it may help a little.

Wow! That's an understatement. It is a lifeline. Much needed.

But here's my dilemma.
Do I keep it? I feel embarrassed, sad, and awkward bec of my situation that I can't provide adequately for my and dc, (even though situation imposed upon us by abusive ex) but at the same time I am so grateful that I know such kind people.

I give to charity as often as I can (in the last few days, buying Big Issue, paying for one woman's bus fare, giving £1 each to two people who begged on the street for money) and I have a monthly standing order to Unicef, set up when I was in a position to be able to give without 'noticing' it in my bank balance.

But taking charity just makes me feel awkward.

WIBU to say 'thank you but I can't take it?'

Or should I swallow my pride and take this handout?

Constructive, discursive answers only please.

Ring them to thank them so much and say how awful you feel also - tell them you intend to pay them back when you're on your feet ... if you're that broke there's no way you should have standing orders to charities and giving money anywhere else for now - sort yourself out first and foremost. This is a lovely gesture and one I'm sure you, as a charitable person, would do for someone if you could afford it - good luck

I'm guessing the people you gave to earlier had to swallow their pride.

Say thank you very much but you will treat it as a loan and insist you pay them back. Then see what their reaction is to that. You may hurt their feelings if you insist too much.

And stop giving to charity now you can't afford it.

No you don't have to say "you feel awful", ffs.
Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

I would keep it for now, but make sure you pay it back in the future, and tell THEM you are going to pay it back.

I know you have had a hard time, but so have many other people, and really, your friend and her family should not be providing financial aid for you.

I have personally been through financial strife in the past (me and husband and kids,) and I would never have mentioned it to anyone, nor took handouts from anyone. But it's done now, you have mentioned your financial problems to your friend and she and her family have obviously felt bad for you, (and maybe even guilty that they have more than you,) and have felt the need to dish money out to you.

Sorry for your troubles, and I hope things improve, but it doesn't sit well with me when people go bleating about their financial problems, and how broke they are, because it makes people feel bad and uncomfortable. Clearly this is what has happened here, as your friend and her family handed you half a grand.

Please do thank them profusely, and say you will pay it back in the future. And maybe think twice before telling friends about how 'broke' you are. It's not fair on them. Get advice from the C.A.B. or the bank or some professional organisation. Friends should not be providing funds for you.

And as some people have said, stop giving to Charity! Most of the money given to these organisations never gets to the people it's meant for anyway! Most of it goes in 'admin' costs, and paying the exorbitant salaries of the people at the top!

That's incredibly kind, and consider the fact that they posted it through your letterbox to spare you any embarrassment that would have ensued had they phoned or emailed you to make the offer. They obviously really want you to accept it.

Just take it.

sunand, your post is massively mean and spiteful. The OP wasn't 'bleating'; she was telling a good friend about her problems. It was entirely the friend's decision to give her the money; you have absolutely no evidence for saying she did it because the OP made her 'feel bad and uncomfortable.'

Shame on you.

Keep it definitely. Spend it wisely on yourselves. Do not give any more money away until you are able to do so without compromising your family needs. You can pay your friend back one day when things have settled.

I think this is a lovely, kind, wonderful thing they have done and the best way you can repay it is with generous thanks.

I would try to write them a letter stating what this means to you.

And also, try to help someone else out when times are better in a similar way.

For me it would be too much money to accept, I'd worry about that much debt hanging over me to repay. I could understand up to £100 to pay a bill or do a shop, but but not more.

And I'd stop the UNICEF payments - hardly any of it goes where it's needed, most is taken for "admin".

I did this for my best friend last year and would not have done if I couldn’t have afforded not to have it back.

Send them a card to say how much their kind gesture means to you and that as soon as you are able, you'll pay them back.

Keep it. It is a beautiful thing they’ve done and it would hurt them if you returned it.

Such kindness is amazing and keeps us going in these times of insecurity with so many worried about the future.

Agree with the others, keep the money and make them a nice thank you card. And please stop the unicef donations, or donations of any sort for that matter until you are in a better position financially.

For me it would be too much money to accept, I'd worry about that much debt hanging over me to repay. I could understand up to £100 to pay a bill or do a shop, but but not more.

It doesn't appear to have been presented as a loan, but as a gift. If OP can give it back in the future then great, but there's no evidence to suggest it's expected.

And arbitrary limits of what is and isn't acceptable aren't that helpful. What if OP is £100,000 in debt? £500 is nothing. But what if OP needed, say, £125 to avoid an overdraft fine - in that case £100 is useless.

It's a gift. If OP wants to give a gift back of £500 one day, wonderful. But this is absolutely not a debt.

Yes take it.
Stop giving money away to worthy causes - currently the most worthy cause you have is keeping you and yours above water, fed and housed! When you have that sorted again, then start up with your own charitable donations.
IF it makes you feel any better, keep a note of the bigger items you spend the money on and write a thank you letter to these lovely people, detailing what that money enabled you to achieve that you otherwise wouldn't have. Make it clear to them that the money has been a lifebuoy in troubled waters, but you're back in control again now and are happy to report that you are now able to sort things out yourself again. Make this the case, if at all possible.

Sorry OP but I echo the others - why on earth are you donating to charity and giving other people money when you’re struggling to support your kids?

Take the money and for goodness sake, stop giving it away to other people! You need to put yourself/your family first.

It would be a massive slap in their faces if you returned the money to them. Thank them and put the money to good use. Stop the charity donations until you can afford it again, is this where the "charity begins at home" phrase comes from?

I think you should write a heartfelt thank you letter for their kindness.

If there is no hope of making repayments in the short/medium term, be careful how you describe calling it a loan, as saying you will pay it back and then not being able to gives false expectations. Almost better for them to have no expectations now than be let down after being so kind to you.

You also need to stop giving money away that you don't have. It's contributing to your current poor financial situation. The £2 given to beggars would have fed you and your children a home made meal. If you feel you must contribute to charity, do so by buying essentials such as clothing from charity shops or official charity sellers on ebay.

I hope the financial situation comes good for you and your children.

Keep the money as it was given to you in good faith. Repay them by doing better for yourself. Stop the direct debit to charity until you are back on your feet. Maybe in the future when you are in a better position you can help someone in the same way they have helped you. Good Luck for your future.

sunandmoon what a massively unpleasant and unhelpful post.

good luck op.

My son's girlfriend had got into serious financial trouble because of her ex. I paid off her credit card and she wrote such a touching letter that meant so much to me.

When I was about to be married, my Dad lost his job. my MiL stepped in and gave him a big cheque. She did it privately and I was able to thank her and tell her how much it meant, that my dad could hold his head high and give me the Wedding he wanted.

I think, a thank you letter and a promise to yourself, that when you can, you will help someone less fortunate. It seems to me, that you have a very generous and kind nature. These people clearly recognise that you are good person and that is why they want to help. Ignore those who say Charity begins at home. I am sure that recognising, that there are those in even worse circumstances than yourself and being willing to help them will reap its own reward.

What a depressing post from Sunandmoon.

When my friends and family confide in their problems to me, I don't consider them to be bleating. Of course I feel bad for them, they're people I care about and they're struggling. It's not going to make me happy but I'd rather they confided in me than not if they needed support. I'd like to think most people would react that way as opposed to accusing their loved ones of bleating.

How sad that you feel that way about people you supposedly care about. It's a very cold and bitter way of thinking.

OP - Keep the money. The friend was able to help you out and wanted to help you. Once you're in a better position, you can pay it back in someway. Perhaps organise a nice meal out or weekend away. But atm your friend feels bad that you are struggling and wants to help. Let them.

What a lovely kind thing for them to do. They are probably worried they gave offended you buy happy to help.

What goes around comes around, you sound like a very kind person too.

If I had the finances to spare when the DC grow up, I would definitely do this for a good friend of Dc's.

I would love to be in a position to do it for some family's now.

I give to charity as often as I can (in the last few days, buying Big Issue, paying for one woman's bus fare, giving £1 each to two people who begged on the street for money) and I have a monthly standing order to Unicef, set up when I was in a position to be able to give without 'noticing' it in my bank balance.

Give it back and stop donating to charity and 'helping' others. If you are broke why are you doing this? If I had given you some money and then found out you were handing out on the other side I would be very angry and disappointed.