Parent doesn’t appear to support friendship with my disabled daughter

[CVJ]

My disabled daughter made a lovely best friend in reception which amazed me as she’d never had friends before. They adore each other. Her friend isn’t disabled. Unfortunately the friends Mum doesn’t appear to support the friendship - doesn’t reciprocate play dates, never speaks to me about my daughter/their friendship. What do I do to encourage her to support this friendship?

Aside from he potentially being discriminatory about your daughters wheelchair, are there any other reasons she might not be keen to encourage it? Do you live far away? Does she have a young baby? Does she seemingly support friendships with others??

Yes does she have playdates with other children and chat to their mums? Its possible shes just miserable or antisocial or just shy.

If she is allowing her dd to go to you for play dates then she's likely just lazy with reciprocating rather than disapproving of the friendship.
What does she say when you try to strike up conversation with her?

Where does it say the op's daughter is in a wheelchair calvin? Not all disabled people are.

Op some parents just aren't that good at play dates/chit chat. Could you possibly be being oversensitive? Do you see her talking with other parents?

Yes encouraged other friendships. My daughter isn’t in a wheel chair. She was a hearing impairment & learning difficulties - which I’m guessing but I think that’s what they struggle with most. My daughter has delayed speech development too but these things have never got in the way of their friendship.

Is it just you or is it everyone?

Ok, there could be lots of reasons (e.g. other parent doesn't really do playdates, etc) but assuming it is related to the disability... I guess it's one of two things. Either she is a horrible person who doesn't want to encourage her DD to develop her friendship with someone who has a difference, or she might be worried about whether she can meet your DD's need while your DD is at her house. Without understanding the nature of the disability it is hard to say. Could you ask them to go on a day out (including the mother in the invite)? Then you can show how things work with your DD and she may be reassured.

Maybe she’s worried about being able to meet your daughters needs? Maybe invite the friend over and when she goes back tell the mum they’ve been chatting about a play date at friends house and offer to come along to if she’s concerned about anything?

She might be like me, I never invite kids for play dates.
My evenings are busy and the kids usually have clubs or other activities and I work one evening a week too so we only have 1 night a week ‘off’, I want to relax and not speak to anyone.

The mums very chatty with other mums & I know her daughter has had other kids on play dates.

Cross post. Try asking her on a day out. The more time she sees you communicating with your DD and how much the girls get on, the more comfortable she is likely to feel.

It may be circumstances rather than disproval- i can’t host playdates because i work til 6, but obviously it’s fine for dc to go to one. I don’t get to speak to or know other parents because i don’t pick up/drop off at school.

I wouldn’t speak to another mum about the friendship either. That’s the kids business. I’d be friendly and communicate times/logistics, but why would we discuss their friendship? They’re friends, thats about all there is to say about it! I only chat to other mums really if a friendship has developed between us, not the kids.

Maybe she doesn't feel confident she would cope with your dd without you there? Could you offer to meet up together with the girls?

Might be nothing to do with her disability. I worked full time, and found I couldn't reciprocate play dates, because I was at work. It got to the point where if someone invited my child after school, I would be upfront and say, 'look, I'm sure my child would love to, but I have to point out I can't return the favour because I am at work. I can only offer late evenings and some weekend time'
Also, depends on the disability I guess, but other mum might be terrified of stuffing up with your daughter in her care. I guess you have to invite mother and daughter out together and foster things that way.

I don't tend to reciprocate play dates, I feel guilty about it but tbh I really struggle, for various reasons, the main one being my ASD.

Try not to take it personally, people usually have their reasons

Could the nature of your dd's disability make her worried about being responsible for her? I knew parents who were very nervous about having ds1 over to play when he had a nut allergy. Of course, she could just be predjudiced.

Is it possible she's worried about caring for your daughter in a play date scenario?

Hi, maybe the mother is just nervous.
I'm not sure how confident I'd be with such a young child in my home if the child had delayed speech.
Under these conditions I'd need the parent to be around to save misunderstandings.
And maybe she doesn't feel she can say that or doesn't have time to spend with you as well.

I don't do play dates. We're busy enough!
I don't tend to talk much about my children's friendships.
I'm wondering if this is an issue for you as its her first good friend as opposed to this parent having an issue with the friendship.

Some people are definitely uncomfortable with hearing aids/cochlear implants and children whose speech isn't very clear.

I agree that the best way forward might be to try and arrange an afternoon at the park (or whatever) where you're both there with your girls. When is your daughter's birthday? That could be a good opportunity.

My DS was really popular - lots of playdates, day out, sleepovers etc. He's had three in the two years since he developed his disability. I could make up lots of other reasons for it (and I do to him), but it's the disability.

Possibly she is just scared. If your daughter has communication difficulties, she's probably just panicking at the idea of keeping her safe, feeding her etc.

Whilst we all like to think we would be more open to and supportive of difference in others, I think there are a lot of people who would worry about making themselves responsible for a fairly young child in that situation without meaning to be unpleasant in any way.

Thanks for advice. I guess because she’s a nurse I’m kind of expecting that she wouldn’t be worried about the care side. My daughter doesn’t have any behavioural issues either. It’s just hard when you hear other friends have been invited for tea when our two girls have such a close friendship.

I have been where you are CVJ, it's so tough to not know if it's because our little ones are different, or if it is something completely different. With the benefit of a few years (my daughter is an adult now), I have learnt to always ask myself 'is it bothering her' before I do anything. I used to get really upset and worry when in reality my daughter wasn't in the slightest concerned not to be invited back. I am in no way saying it's right to not invite her, just might save you some angst

Kids that age don't usually have best friends and maybe she doesn't want to encourage the idea the way you appear to be outside of the class. That doesn't mean she's discouraging the friendship with your child.