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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parent doesn’t appear to support friendship with my disabled daughter

52 replies

CVJ · 22/10/2017 22:32

My disabled daughter made a lovely best friend in reception which amazed me as she’d never had friends before. They adore each other. Her friend isn’t disabled. Unfortunately the friends Mum doesn’t appear to support the friendship - doesn’t reciprocate play dates, never speaks to me about my daughter/their friendship. What do I do to encourage her to support this friendship?

OP posts:

FenceSitter01 · 22/10/2017 22:53

never speaks to me about my daughter/their friendship

The mums very chatty with other mums

It might be you that she doesn't like.

Imaginosity · 22/10/2017 22:56

It is hard! . My son has autism and things haven't been straightforward for him - so I understand how you feel. It can be quite painful. Does she seem happy to let her DD go to yours for playdates?

Wolfiefan · 22/10/2017 22:56

Bit harsh Fence!
This mum may have known other mums for years and so be more chatty with them?
Have you had this child to your house? Maybe other kids are invited as she's reciprocating play dates.

Bonesy1 · 22/10/2017 22:57

there may also be pre existing friendships from nursery with other children, I would initiate chat with other Mum

Pollaidh · 22/10/2017 22:58

DD's friend has selective mutism. I get a little worried about having him over because he can't communicate with me, and I can see that even me trying to communicate with him makes him stressed. He does come over, however, and she acts as sort of translator and they play well together as long as I'm not in the room.

Maybe if you speak to the mum and assume that it's because she's concerned. Then it might spur her on to make an effort (she might be hoping you haven't realised), or she might be genuinely grateful for any suggestion you go to the first time or so, until she's comfortable.

FenceSitter01 · 22/10/2017 22:58

Not harsh. It is a possibility. I didn't encourage friendships where I disliked the mother. Or the child . Actually it was a god send that I had a child minder and I don't have to do any of this at all

PoppyPopcorn · 22/10/2017 22:58

My daughter has two good friends with disabilities - one with physical, and the other is autistic.

As a parent, I am more than happy to encourage my daughter to be friendly with anyone she chooses, but wouldn't go out of my way to engineer friendships with a particular child. Have tried that in the past and it doesn't work. It can be daunting having a child witht a disability over to play or for a sleepover - I worried about the autistic child being unhappy and not being able to express that to me, or the child with mobility issues getting hurt by my boisterous kids. Most of the worries are unfounded, but both the Mums concerned were proactive in saying that they'd check in regularly and come straight over if there were difficulties.

Some parents are just arses though and don't want their kids being friends with anyone different from them - be that a different skin colour, or with a disability, or from a different country.

Applesandpears23 · 22/10/2017 23:03

Are you sure that her kid feels the same way about yours as yours does about her? My pre-schooler has a 'best friend' who is always wanting to come to our house. My daughter seems to have a very intense relationship with her but at home she complains about her affection. I don't want this child in our house because I think my daughter needa the space and sees her every day already. Have you invited the other child over for a playdate? How does the mother react?

SleightOfMind · 22/10/2017 23:05

Assuming that she is uncomfortable around your daughter, for the sake of answering the question in your OP, inviting mum and daughter out together with you would be a good way of finding out if she’s an arsehole or not!
Go in with something easy and non commital, straight after school.

Some people are horrible. She might be trying to limit her daughter’s friendship with your dd through intellectual snobbery, rather than just not being good at playdates.

It’s worth giving her the benefit of the doubt for your children’s sake and putting yourself out a little to foster friendship but don’t invest. Definitely don’t big up the meeting outside of school to your dd. She’s very happy to have a lovely friend and doesn’t need to feel that it’s a shame they can’t do more together.

Be prepared to accept that this mother may not want to engage. If that proves to be the case, rage inside (and on here) but take it lightly on the outside for your DDs sake.

It’s hard if your child is different. You need to ‘overthink’ their social life sometimes because, unfortunately, that’s how life is.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 22/10/2017 23:07

I'm not sure being a nurse means she would know how to look after your DD though (unless she's a paediatric nurse of course) so she might well be worrying about how to look after her. Also we aren't that far into reception, maybe the mums shes reciprocated with are old playschool friends, or she just hasn't had time yet, nurses tend to work a lot.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 22/10/2017 23:14

My dd2 we have hosted loads of play dates. She is really popular and gets invited to lots of parties. 90% of the time I stay with her at a party and very rarely have to intervene. However she has not once been invited to a play date.

She is a non stop whirl wind. Not naughty, in fact we are often told how kind and loving she is but she never stops! I think other parents are apprehensive about looking after her. Could this be the same with your dd?

I don’t dwell on it and will just continue to host play dates as she enjoys them.

Lifechallenges · 22/10/2017 23:16

At our school at this early stage a lot of the play dates are socialising are only with nursery friends - it's only just 1/2 term. My DS two years on, has friends in his class but only really sees his old nursery mates out of school - he reverts back to them ( same school, several forms per year) . My DD has slightly broader group of friends.
I also have a child with bilateral hearing aids. All the parents we are friendly with knew us well before hearing aids were diagnosed ... but I still had to explain it all to them just in case some thing happened.
It may just be that at this early stage they are only doing play dates with people they know etc?

Lifechallenges · 22/10/2017 23:22

I do also think that parents will be nervous looking after a 4/5 year old with communication challenges. As parents of 'deaf' children we see that they are normal kids who just need a bit of help, but other parents may feel that its only 6 weeks into term and they don't really know them yet?

Italiangreyhound · 22/10/2017 23:28

OP I would suggest to your daughter's friends mum that the whole family join you for lunch or tea one Sunday.

Or a play or picnic (still sunny here at times) in the park or to go anywhere together both girls and both mums.

The other mum can get to know you better and can see how nicely the girls play. This will help to put her mind at rest and perhaps her own daughter will lead the way with an offer of a reciprocal lunch.

Once this other lady sees that there is nothing to fear I really hope she will be on the case with reciprocal play dates.

It's also good for your dd to broaden her friendship group Maybe so look out for others to meet in the park or whatever.

TinselTwins · 22/10/2017 23:34

TBH most playdates in reception are because the PARENTS not the kids are friends.

Orchid110993 · 22/10/2017 23:55

My youngest sister hardly ever gets invited to parties and has play dates with one child in her class despite having a large friendship group. The other children have been really honest and up front about the fact that she wasn't invited because their mum doesn't know my mum. Unfortunately that isn't something that is going to change as my sister was a late in life baby and their is 10-15 years age gap between the mums and they are very cliquey and have made her feel unwelcome. So it could just be that she doesn't get invited because the mum doesn't know you very well.

hiddley · 23/10/2017 00:04

This makes me really sad to read. It doesn't sound like she has severe disabilities so caring for her wouldn't be an issue? It would break my heart. Maybe find another mother more interested in play dates?

hiddley · 23/10/2017 00:09

DS had a little friend who he was best friends with. The other little guy's mother was really unfriendly (I think just shy). They never got to have playdates. He was invited to birthday parties like everybody else but never came. Little lad was really confident and friendly though unlike his Mum. It may be the mother's issue?

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 23/10/2017 00:13

If she's a nurse, maybe she's just knackered?

Welwyncitydweller · 23/10/2017 16:37

My teenage son has a (non school) friend with ASD and their shared interest is gaming. He has a separate bunch of school friends and they bike together. His friend with ASD doesn’t ride and has a very limited social group and doesn’t get invited to sleep over anywhere but my house. His mum wants the boys to meet up more frequently than my boy wants to, purely because he wants to spend the majority of his free time riding. He really enjoys the time he spends with his gaming pal but his hobby comes first.

MrsJayy · 23/10/2017 16:46

Just keep inviting your little girls friend round yes it would be lovely if the mum recipricated but unless you challange her nicely obviously she isn't going to invite your Dd but as long as your dd is happy having her friend to play that is all that matters .some pople ime seem all tolerant of difference untill it is near them and their children and then they don't want to know

Welwyncitydweller · 23/10/2017 16:48

Also when my son was small and changed schools a couple of orher parents seized upon us as their son had struggled to make friends and they seemed keen to engineer a friendship with my son. It didn’t last too long

agedknees · 23/10/2017 17:18

If she’s a nurse, play dates could be difficult because of shift work. When I worked nights I was too tired to organise play dates.

ittakes2 · 23/10/2017 18:25

I do lots and lots of play dates for lots of my children's friends. Some of my children's friends would have been to our house 60 plus times. Only some people reciprocate - I used to think it was due to work or younger siblings but noticed these parents would have the same children over and over again - usually children of their friends. These play dates have to be about your daughter - if she wants this girl over and you are happy to have her - then take it from the perspective you are making your daughter happy.
I think people just have busy lives and they invite children they are used to over regularly because it's easier. There is a possibility this mum is daunted by your daughters disabilities - but unfort there is nothing I think you can do about it if she is - but I think it's more likely she's just inviting her friends children over.
If you haven't already - maybe invite the mum in for coffee when she is collecting her daughter? That way she can see the two girls playing happily and it might encourage her to invite your daughter over.
When it comes to play date return invitations - I have given my self some rules to manage my expectations. In general I don't expect anything and then I am not disappointed. But I do have a limit whereas if a child has come to my house 10-20 times and there has not been an offer to reciprocate - I do start to feel the relationship is one sided and talk to my children about whether that child is still the right child to invite over or whether they want to start asking someone else. But at the end of the day, play dates for me are about my children practising their social skills and having fun so I'll take their direction about who comes over rather than it just be with children whose parents reciprocate.

missiondecision · 23/10/2017 18:46

You are being alittle presumptive to assume she has a problem with your daughter. In fact your way of thinking is irritating.
The are loads of reasons, many already given here, she doesn’t owe you a thing. Please stop feeling hard done by and make the first move, hen the second and the third if you want to.

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