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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel frustrated that you can't do anything with young children

115 replies

Chattycat78 · 22/10/2017 20:50

Just that. Tried to go to a family party today which was around 1.5 hours away. Maybe stupid to consider it with a 17 month old and an almost 3 year old but I really wanted to try.

The end result was - Barely managed to speak to people who I hadn't seen for a long time. Husband had to entertain older one and I had the younger one. They both wriggled, cried, refused to eat, and neither of us got a single moment to relax or socialise in an environment not kitted out for small people.

I know this is "how it is" with small children - but what's the solution? Do you- a. Forget anything vaguely complicated until they are older knowing it's "not worth it"- or
B. Do it anyway knowing you'll have a tough time but at least you've tried?

OP posts:
slightlyglittermaned · 22/10/2017 22:30

There was a brief glorious window when DS was tiny and portable and everyone wanted to cuddle him where the few events we went to were fun - can remember people asking me "are you sure you don't mind me monopolising your baby?" as I troughed my way through the buffet glorying in being able to use both hands to feed myself.

After that a mix of a) followed by b) where DS would lull us into a false sense of security by being adorable and cute (naturally always in front of people we'd been telling how tricky it was doing anything with a toddler, followed by us committing to something far away enough to be really awkward where he'd revert to form.

Collienova · 22/10/2017 22:30

A for me
B for hubs

It's not going well 🙄

BeALert · 22/10/2017 22:38

B. Do it anyway knowing you'll have a tough time but at least you've tried?

I did this a lot, but I accepted that I'd spend the entire time looking after children. Usually I did it because there were family there who wanted to catch up with us all. I was lucky in that the family were fairly accepting of children being children.

My BIL did once say 'Bloody hell, children are loud aren't they?' I've taken pleasure in repeating that back to him regularly now he has small children and I have large silent ones.

Dixiebell · 22/10/2017 22:39

Just know that in a few years it will all be easier. My 7 and almost 5-year old would wander off and entertain themselves at this sort of event, and generally be well-behaved. Of course, still have the almost 2-year old to check tend with, but by the time you’re on child #3, you have relaxed so much into it, you can continue enjoying a glass of wine and having a conversation while a toddler throws themself around the room tanrumming without breaking stride or losing concentration. Can’t say the same for everyone else of course, but also at the point of being beyond caring what others think by this point Grin

CupanTaeAnois · 22/10/2017 22:47

Agree with Dixie. Have always taken ours out to events etc. Sometimes can be hard work but being prepared help. They learn appropriate behaviour reasonably quickly. 6,4 and nearly 2 now and they are pretty good out.

Want2bSupermum · 22/10/2017 22:48

There are ground rules for us accepting invitations. The first is that host must be ok with us leaving at 4pm. Second is that they must have meals at mealtimes, in that an event from 11am-3pm serves lunch. Third they must be ok with us bringing food for DS. Finally we live abroad so flying over for a weekend with 3DC isn't going to happen.

Driving long distances isn't a problem. I am up a lot anyway so leaving at silly ok is really quite ok.

CAAKE · 22/10/2017 22:49

A. It’s like that Michael McIntyre joke: “oh look darling, a new Carluccio’s... WE WILL NEVER GO THERE!”

fairygarden · 22/10/2017 22:58

Wanda and the Alien and Peppa Pig

RedForFilth · 22/10/2017 23:17

I take my 2.5 year old everywhere with me. I'm a single parent though so if I didn't I'd never see people aside from work! I always take snacks and quiet toys for him. I don't go anywhere this wouldn't be allowed as my friends/family don't do formal/posh things. I'll keep him there til he gets tired then take him home. Sometimes he has tantrums typical of a toddler but I accept this before I go. He loves people though so is usually happy!

oldlaundbooth · 22/10/2017 23:21

A, definitely.

We don't really go anywhere that requires driving for more than half an hour. We picnic a lot. Rarely pay to go in places, we do a lot of parks and free stuff.

Me. And DS, who is nearly 4 went apple picking last week just the two of us and it was great, so there's light at the end of the tunnel.

oldlaundbooth · 22/10/2017 23:22

Me and DS, typo sorry.

Pinkvoid · 23/10/2017 02:13

I barely ever left the house when mine were all small for this very reason, the hassle just didn’t seem worth it. Whenever we’d try to have a nice family day out it ultimately resulted in one or maybe all three of them on good days Hmm becoming overtired and throwing almighty tantrums. I ended up leaving many events grappling with a screaming baby and/or toddler.

It gets easier, eventually they can be bribed with sweets Grin.

Waddlingwanda · 23/10/2017 02:26

Mostly A bit you can judge it on who is or isn't kid friendly.
Took ours to two family weddings (3 and 15mth) One was great and very relaxed, the other a disaster.
Was our own fault really though, should have gauged it on the B&G

GeekyWombat · 23/10/2017 02:58

I actually find this thread really reassuring - it’s not just us!

lizzieoak · 23/10/2017 03:01

My 40th damn birthday. I wanted the kids to come but foolishly thought maybe the “it takes a village” behaviour would kick in. It did not, ds was only 3 and wriggled the entire time, just could not cope.
Silly of me to think he could, but a bit shitty that no-one (including his dad) said “I’ll take him out for a walk for 10 minutes”.

Other than that I don’t think they stopped me doing things as I don’t do much anyway!

toomuchtooold · 23/10/2017 06:37

i took my kids everywhere and they happily sat in the corner with a colouring pad and a pencil' (i'm sure they'll be along soon

The colouring phase is a wonderful thing... only about 3 months long though IIRC and then they go back to not being able to sit still for more than 90 seconds. It happens about age 4 doesn't it? We have twins so ours coincided... I made sure we visited all of DH's more judgemental aunties at that time. His eldest auntie still thinks DD2 is a lovely quiet and biddable child, mostly because the only other time we visited she had a cold and napped on me for 2 hours out of a 3 hour visit Grin

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 23/10/2017 06:44

You need to all come to one of my “dos”. There’s usually about 10 kids from 2 yrs to 10 yrs entertaining themselves whilst the adults eat and sup wine.

I think it’s down to the occasion/event/host. I put anything away I don’t want played with/broken/swung from and usually have things set up for the kids and the WiFi code within children’s sight. Grin

I tend to only do it a few times a year but I think because I know what kids are like I don’t expect parents mothers to wrangle them all night.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 23/10/2017 06:45

That isn’t a stealth boast btw! It’s an open invite for when I’ve had DC2 to come eat, drink and launch your kids into the masses Grin

ocelot41 · 23/10/2017 06:48

A unless babysitter - you just end up a seething mass of resentment otherwise. It drove me crazy.

Discotits · 23/10/2017 07:09

We quite often decide who will go out of the two of us, or one will go with older child (now 4). I just found large family events stressful as (naturally), other people aren’t watching your child and I couldn’t neither relax nor chat properly. I reckon once the youngest is 4/5 we’ll be laughing.

Ragwort · 23/10/2017 07:26

Much better for one of you to go and enjoy the event, the other stays with DC.

eyeballpaul · 23/10/2017 07:56

The more you do it, the more they get used to it.

As the parent of a more or less angelic child who I have always been able to take anywhere with me and who has never in his life had a full on tantrum, I used to think this exact thing and would shrivel my nose and roll my eyes at parents who proclaimed they couldn’t go anywhere or do anything with their DCs......

I was very very wrong (and a shit person for thinking/behaving this way).

All children are very different with differing personalities, they’re not little pre-programmable robots (well not entirely anyway 😊)

Had mine been the opposite to what he is I’d have gone with B for a (very stubborn/in denial) period then lost all hope and gone with A 😆

ZoopDragon · 23/10/2017 08:02

We try to take our 2 year old to family parties, weddings etc. It's tiring for me but good experience for her. Feeling part of a big group, learning to behave and not being centre of attention is good for toddlers. If there are other kids she plays with them. I stay within a few metres of her so she doesn't trip up waiters or escape. Friends and family keep an eye on her too. She loves big groups and gets very excited. I do miss being able to chat properly, sit down, stay late etc. but would rather stay a few hours and leave early than not go at all!

NoSwsForYou · 23/10/2017 08:15

Thai read has made me feel so much better. DS was a joy right up until around 9months. I'd take him anywhere and everywhere, with just my boobs and a sling and he was happy. I felt like some sort of shiny Earth mother.

Then he learnt to crawl and sitting still was Not Fun. Plus we had trouble weaning him because he is gluten intolerant but I didn't click on till he was around 14 months old so good hurt him like a motherfucker, so he Wanted all the food but as far as I was concerned he couldn't tolerate it so he couldn't have the food.

I used to go for lovely lunches with him and my friends but I haven't been for a stress free lunch with him since 9 months. I stopped bothering and take picnics everywhere, but every now and then I forget and try it. Once, at a NT cafe, we waited so long for the food and DS was so bad tempered that I left before it even arrived even though I'd paid for both meals!

I am A all the way but can see it's just a phase. I had 9 months where anything and everything was possible. The last 9 months we've done lots of stuff during the day that involve running around and eating picnics, but we HAVE to carry on with our bedtime routine or he's a monster. This means that I try and make sure if we are traveling then we are back home by 3 because he WILL sleep in the car and if he sleeps after that time he will not be in bed before 10pm. However, he walks well now and understands a lot of what we say so I reckon when he finally learns to speak so get started over that frustration, we can tentatively start attending events again.

DP is very much B though and it drives me up the wall so much that it often turns into C - he goes and I stay at home.

NoSwsForYou · 23/10/2017 08:16

That was so long, sorry Blush