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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel frustrated that you can't do anything with young children

115 replies

Chattycat78 · 22/10/2017 20:50

Just that. Tried to go to a family party today which was around 1.5 hours away. Maybe stupid to consider it with a 17 month old and an almost 3 year old but I really wanted to try.

The end result was - Barely managed to speak to people who I hadn't seen for a long time. Husband had to entertain older one and I had the younger one. They both wriggled, cried, refused to eat, and neither of us got a single moment to relax or socialise in an environment not kitted out for small people.

I know this is "how it is" with small children - but what's the solution? Do you- a. Forget anything vaguely complicated until they are older knowing it's "not worth it"- or
B. Do it anyway knowing you'll have a tough time but at least you've tried?

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 22/10/2017 21:38

The thing is with A that you get institutionalised and have to learn to live again when the children get a bit older.
It's better than the alternative though.

Fishinthesink · 22/10/2017 21:40

Generally have argument/discussion with DH (who is A. I have fomo so like idea of B but usually capitulate as I know he is right really). Occasionally do B. Regret it.

We've missed 2 big things this year - a friend's 10th wedding which was a camping party (started at 4pm 2 hours away) and a family party- same city but the opposite side, 1.5 hours away- and felt awful but they would have been not good with a 3yo and baby.

My mum will say 'oh you used to sleep on the coats!' but she was only ever going out in the same village, not hauling exhausted kids on the tube.

We don't really have babysitters either- no nearby family and too expensive- so it's a bit tough unfortunately.

TheHauntedFishtank · 22/10/2017 21:42

Balls to B! We took DS to a family lunch this year at just turned 4 and it was relatively ok, it was the first time we'd attempted something like that since he was about 14months. We misssd a family wedding I would dearly have loved to go to at the beginning of the year because DH was working and I couldn't face a 6 hour drive followed by wrangling an overtired, hysterical child. Still feel bad about that one tbh although this thread is making me feel better.

ChilliMary · 22/10/2017 21:45

I have just started to go gatherings, weddings etc, with my kids again.I stopped when the youngest one was tiny because it would end up being stressful, exhausting and just pointless. Couldn't really talk to anyone, couldn't relax, completely distracted. When any events like that came up, and all of us were invited, I would tell hubby to go by himself, and I stayed at home with the kids. Always such a relief.

RetroTardigrade · 22/10/2017 21:46

Every time I've done B I've regretted it. Anything for an easier life, A all the way until all children are over 3.

Pickleypickles · 22/10/2017 21:47

My DD is 8 months old and atm i can take her anywhere and do anything this thread is making me sad for the future Sad

StarUtopia · 22/10/2017 21:49

Please tell me it gets easier. I'm still A with a 3 yr old and a 4 yr old.

OuchBollocks · 22/10/2017 21:49

Pickleypickles some kids can go anywhere. My older nephew always could. My 7mo can go most places in the day time but at 6.30pm he gets more and more grumpy unless he's tucked up in his sleeping bag ready for bed. He's been like this since before he turned 5 months.

Yellowmaiden · 22/10/2017 21:50

Today 20:59 WhatWouldGenghisDo

"A mostly. Then in a crazy access of boredom / over-confidence fling ourselves into B. Cope with the repercussions of B. Revert to A"

This is also my life. Ha!!!

Pickleypickles · 22/10/2017 21:50

ouch ooo thank you. Its nice to be reassured Smile

MistyMinge · 22/10/2017 21:51

A mostly.

I foolishly thought taking a 4 and 2 year old DC to a wedding might be fun. Other children there. All would be fine. It was fucking awful. They were vile, I was driving and couldn't drink, DH was busy to chatting to everyone whilst I ttried to control the kids. One fell in a big puddle. Total disaster. I ended up taking them home before the food had even be served Angry. Never again!

TammyswansonTwo · 22/10/2017 21:54

I hear you. I have 13 month old twins and a couple of chronic illnesses that cause pain and fatigue. Honestly I'm at the point where I struggle to take them outside at all by myself. They don't want to be in the buggy but they can only just stand and fall down constantly when playing at home so I could never let them out of the buggy somewhere with hard floors. They get so frustrated and bored that they'll screech and cry unless they can explore, so my options are soft play or soft play. I dread taking them on the bus as their buggy takes up the whole space and it can take ages for a bus to come that we can fit on to, then I panic about someone in a chair needing the space and having to wrestle the bloody thing off the bus again. They might sit briefly in a highchair if I have exciting food for them, but not long enough to eat. If one needs changing I am screwed since I can't fit the buggy into most toilets, can't safely hold them both...

Really regretting not doing more when they were tiny and happy to lie in the buggy for ages! Think it's going to be a long time before we can go anywhere just the three of us without huge amounts of stress so we are mainly stuck indoors which isn't good

Mooney1 · 22/10/2017 21:55

I have a 5 year old non verbal autistic child and a 2 year old who throws lots of tantrums

If I had two neourotypical kids life would be easy and I would never ever moan!

ContraryFairy · 22/10/2017 21:55

The more you do it, the more they get used to it.

PussCatTheGoldfish · 22/10/2017 21:58

Star yes it does get easier!

Mine are 7 & 8 now. We A'd with occasional B reminders for the baby/toddler years. Now they will eat out fine, and can party and dance until passed midnight with no problem. They're fun now Grin except when they argue...

Discotits · 22/10/2017 21:58

A. Always. It’s literally never worth the bother. Sadly.

Tealdeal747 · 22/10/2017 21:58

Take turns socialising and babysitting.

RubaDubMum89 · 22/10/2017 21:59

I vote for an option D) rope some poor unsuspecting soul in to babysit whilst you and DP run for the hills go to the gathering for a few hours.

FaFoutis · 22/10/2017 21:59

Utopia two more years should do it.

Yika · 22/10/2017 22:04

I cried at a lovely family wedding where I hardly talked to a soul and could t even go up to the buffet for food as all I could do was look after my 18 month old. It's so hard. I do like friends and family events. I would say don't miss things completely but do them on terms which work for you, e.g.: have a nice day out that is suitable for small children in the vicinity of the event; call in at the party for one hour, get in a quick catch up with as many people as you can and then leave - get your dc away from the fray and everyone home by bedtime. Or: stay in a hotel nearby and you and DH take turns at party. I don't think it has to be all or nothing.

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 22/10/2017 22:04

Mooney lots of neurotypical kids can also throw monster tantrums and are hard work.

I have one of each and even though my ASD child is hard work so is my NT child

littlemisscomper · 22/10/2017 22:08

Get in touch with your local college and ask if they can recommend any students studying child care and education who might be interested in helping out. I would have chewed my arm off to have a local family to gain experience with and to add to my CV. You'd have to pay her of course, but a 17/18 year old would be very happy with minimum wage and a reference. Less stress for you, experience for the sitter and lots of fun and attention for the children.

DoJo · 22/10/2017 22:08

Would it cheer you up at all to know that, instead of taking my children to a quiet concert that they might have failed to sit through without shouting, I prepared and found a local soft play to entertain them.

Once I had paid, the little one refused to take his shoes off, so clung onto me and refused to do anything except demand that I heave him around between the tightly packed tables, and the big one had about ten minutes of fun so intense that when I reminded him to be careful of the smaller children he threw a strop so mighty that he claimed to have never liked soft play and that he didn't care what we did but he wasn't going to play again anyway.

I ended up buying them rolls and crisps and having a picnic in the back of our van, which they loved apparently. We then headed back to where the concert was and they say beautifully still and quiet while we watched and listened, clapping enthusiastically in the right places and refraining from irritating the people sitting around us or the performers, much to my astonishment.

I'm not sure if there is anything useful in this anecdote, except perhaps to buy a van if you think that would help, but it does show that even the plans that have been literally designed around children to the exclusion of everything else don't always pan out so try not to let one bad day put you off leaving the house ever again.

wibblywobblyfish · 22/10/2017 22:12

Absolutely bbbbbbb I have 2 DC with ASD. I can generally anticipate what will trigger a meltdown and navigate it. I also have lower expectations of them. DD is NT and quite unpredictable and the one that's most difficult to placate.

We generally resort to A. Most stuff for us is a ballache and I cba. I hate going to social stuff where I feel like an outsider looking in at a party as I'm trying to monitor children.

stubbornstains · 22/10/2017 22:14

Oh God, I have fresh memories of a recent friend's 40th birthday party, with lots of people I hadn't seen for ages.....and managed to wave at as we all passed each other at intervals, following our manic toddlers around, paranoid to fuck of the open hall doors leading out to the busy road with the blind bend Sad.

It does get better though; I hardly saw my 7 year old for the whole 3 hours, as he occupied himself with some kind of mass mud wrestling fight club out in the back garden with the other bigger kids Hmm