Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this wedding might not happen!?

106 replies

weddingcrasher29 · 22/10/2017 16:54

Name changed as massively outing. My cousin recently got engaged to her DF and they are marrying in September 2018. They've booked the venue, caterers etc. All deposits have been paid by her.

My aunt wants us to book a coach and hotel as they are marrying around 400 miles away in the UK (where cousin is originally from). It would be around £150 for our family.

Here's the AIBU- he's still legally married to someone else. He left his wife for my cousin 14 months ago cousin and DF have a 6 month old baby which was the catalyst and he has very little contact with wife who is doing everything she can to stop contact with their 2.5 year old daughter. It's unlikely she would make the divorce process easy for him to marry the OW and he hasn't even sent the paperwork off to the courts yet as my cousin says he can't afford it. I wouldn't be surprised if he just did a runner but that's another issue and not really my business; she loves him

I don't want to shell out money for a wedding that might not even legally be allowed to happen- that's not unreasonable is it!?!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 22/10/2017 16:57

YANBU! Why the fuck does she want to marry him!

RangeTesKopeks · 22/10/2017 16:59

YANDBU OP!! How close are you to your cousin? Is there a chance you could approach her and gently ask about the situation? I do completely understand that it might not be possible to ask though!

SomethingNewToday · 22/10/2017 17:01

Yanbu. If you can book a hotel with no payment due and no cancellation charge, I'd do it.

Anything that needs paying for though, just put it off and tell Aunt you'll have a look at hotels and transport closer to the time. It's still 11 months away, no rush.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 22/10/2017 17:01

Any chance you can book stuff that is refundable? (Premier Inns are good for this kind of thing.)

Original poster
weddingcrasher29 · 22/10/2017 17:05

Aunt wants to use specific coach company and hotel for exclusive hire. DH says we should just pay it and pretend to be surprised when it all gets called off to not rock the boat but I begrudge losing money when I can see what will happen!

I have no idea why she wants to marry him but she loves him and won't have a bad word said about him. Aunt also thinks he's lovely everyone else thinks he's a twat

OP posts:
kierenthecommunity · 22/10/2017 17:05

Wedding or no wedding aside, he sounds a real winner. Having an affair while his wife had a new born baby? And she’s ‘stopping him’ Hmm seeing said child? Stay classy fella.

CotswoldStrife · 22/10/2017 17:07

Gosh, no YANBU. I would refuse to pay out a penny until he is legally free to wed at the very earliest!

PinkHeart5914 · 22/10/2017 17:09

Your cousin and her df sound so lovely, what a class couple.

Your cousin might find another married man to shag Or He will play away or still be married to his ex so if you book the coach I’d make sure it’s refundable

MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/10/2017 17:11

Surely it won't cost more to book something nearer to the date? Just do it then, when you know the decree absolute is through.

Surely the registrar will ask for the decree absolute before agreeing to th wedding anyway?

MyUsernameIsOriginal · 22/10/2017 17:13

YADNBU I know someone who has been fighting to divorce her abusive ex for several years now so I wouldn’t hold your breath. Especially when a child is involved or the other party wants to make things difficult it can take a long time to get a divorce!

Since he left due to getting someone else pregnant whilst his wife had a toddler at home I wouldn’t be surprised if she drags it out to piss him off. Does he think he can just serve papers at the last minute and it will all be fine? Surely before you put money down for wedding deposits you pay the money to start divorce proceedings?

kierenthecommunity · 22/10/2017 17:14

Surely the registrar will ask for the decree absolute before agreeing to th wedding anyway?

I might be wrong but don’t you need the decree absolute when you give notice to get married too?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 22/10/2017 17:15

I know a family who all went to the Caribbean for a “family holiday”. It was supposed to be a wedding but they called it off!

WineAndTiramisu · 22/10/2017 17:16

Surely they'll just have a 'non binding' wedding if the paperwork's not sorted, a sort of pretend one? Then do a registry office one later on.

MimiSunshine · 22/10/2017 17:17

I’d just say something like you can’t afford to book anything now until after Christmas (after all there is now only 2 pay checks before then and if you don’t count the often early December one) which gives you until February at least to put it off as no one has money for booking anything until they’re paid in January 😉 you could even string it until March.
If the divorce still isn’t at least under way and hopefully nearer absolute by then maybe you can start to tentatively ask your cousin if she should be considering—cancelling— putting it back a bit.

IJustLostTheGame · 22/10/2017 17:18

Say you'll book it when he is legally free to marry otherwise it's a waste of money.

kierenthecommunity · 22/10/2017 17:21

Surely they'll just have a 'non binding' wedding if the paperwork's not sorted, a sort of pretend one? Then do a registry office one later on.

Actually to be fair that’s a good point. My friend and her husband had a humanist ceremony that they classed as the main event and had the registry office legal bit separately (albeit their ceremonies were a day or so apart so as far as we were concerned they were definitely married/getting married to so it wasn’t ‘just’ a pretend event)

MammaTJ · 22/10/2017 17:21

Tell them you'll book and pay for it once the divorce is finalised and not before. That is not unreasonable at all!

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/10/2017 17:21

Sounds like a real keeper. Hmm. If your parents have money to burn, perhaps they could pay the deposit?

Insomnibrat · 22/10/2017 17:22

YADNBU!

Sounds an absolute sham by all accounts, is she desperate to 'snare' him? It won't stop him doing to her whet he did to his still wife.
Keep your hand on your ha'penny.

bit cynical Grin

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/10/2017 17:28

Yes, hang fire OP !

NorthernLurker · 22/10/2017 17:29

If he can't afford the divorce, he can't afford the wedding. Your cousin is being a fool.

OnlyAmy · 22/10/2017 17:32

Because engagement is actually a legal contract, and he is unable to enter into such contract, they can't actually say they are "engaged". It's stupid. He is a married man, and married people cannot be engaged.. One can't have a "non-binding marriage" to someone who is already married, or any kind of marriage. I hope she doesn't put anything, bank accounts, vehicles, property, into joint ownership, as his legal wife would be able to make a claim on any property he acquires during their marriage. Your cousin must be blinded by the stars in her eyes, and really should seek legal assistance before agreeing to anything.

Butterymuffin · 22/10/2017 17:32

Mimi's excuse is good. And emphasise you need to keep to a strict budget so you are looking for a cheaper hotel. In fact actually just book the nearest Premier Inn you can find on a refundable basis and then you can cancel when the inevitable happens.

EEandEmakes3 · 22/10/2017 17:35

Hmm... Can afford deposits for wedding but can’t afford a divorce. Keep your money in your pocket.

caoraich · 22/10/2017 17:35

YANBU, but think about what wine said - especially if they aren't religious

Friends of mine had a "destination wedding" on a beach abroad but then their local registry office was being renovated and they didn't want the official ceremony to be in a prefab so they waited until the following year to have a 5min legal ceremony once the original office had been reopened. I was a bit Hmm at this- surely it didn't matter since the real wedding had been at the beach anyway, but each to their own I suppose.

Where in the UK are they getting married?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.