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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help me with my moody DP

123 replies

zestoflemon · 22/10/2017 12:08

DP is so moody. He never looks on the bright side and finds the negative in everything. When he’s like this he’s hard to be around.

The smalllest thing (to me anyway) sends him on a massive rant. For example yesterday we ran out to shower gel so he called me up and asked ‘what am I supposed to do?’ I told him he will just have to use his face wash for now and said that there will be some when the shopping is being delivered tonight. This sparked a huge debate about the day that I get our shopping delivered and I need to be more organised because ‘this house is a joke’. We have 2 DC and I work 4 days a week with a half hour lunch break so I really don’t want to spend my one day off going to the supermarket when I can just get it delivered. Apparently I ‘get a whole day to do nothing’ so I should be shopping then instead of sitting on the sofa’. On my day off I do the housework, washing, ironing etc and actually don’t get a minute spare for myself so this really got to me. He resents me having my day off and he’s admitted this (he works 5 and a half had a week which involves getting up really early so I do sympathise).

I’ve let him lie in both mornings this weekend and he still woke up in a mood. I asked him what’s wrong, he should be happy that’s he’s had 2 good lie-ins and he replied ‘Well you have got a week to lie in now haven’t you?’ (I’m on a weeks holiday to spend half term with the DC and most definitely won’t get a lie in!)

He seems to think the whole world should revolves around him. If he’s moody the whole house knows about it and I feel like he really underestimated all that I do. These little things might seem trivia to some but it’s really starting to piss me off.

Rant over

OP posts:

Original poster

zestoflemon · 23/10/2017 19:26

@lanbro Thank you for thinking of me. I’m ok. He’s being lovely today which has made me question even more if i’ve been overreacting

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/10/2017 19:27

Aaaand back on the roundabout you go.....

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 23/10/2017 19:56

He’s being lovely today which has made me question even more if i’ve been overreacting

No you haven't. You've reacted perfectly appropriately (well, you haven't left him yet, but Rome wasn't built in a day!) and he knows that you're capable of leaving him. He is now bricking it that you won't be around to pander to his shit, so he's being nice deliberately to reel you in and confuse you. Don't fall for it, and don't start questioning yourself.

He' still a knob, just a knob who's being nice today. It won't last.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 23/10/2017 20:11

He’s being lovely today which has made me question even more if i’ve been overreacting

Yep, that's how it goes, lovely today and maybe for the rest of the week - and then round it goes.
I said before, he won't be doing any soul-searching, won't be questioning himself to strangers on a forum, won't be consumed by this like you are - please think about that.
He reels you in, you fall for it and that gives him free rein to behave badly again.

18 years I put up with that - well, fuck that noise, never, ever again.

RandomMess · 23/10/2017 20:38

It’s called hoovering, well known tactic of abusive partners!

lanbro · 23/10/2017 20:53

I've just told dh I want to split up

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/10/2017 20:54

While you get your head around leaving how about you stop treating him like either your boss or your idiot child?

When he asked what he was supposed to do a out the shower gel you should have said "I am sure you can work something out. I am too busy for such ridiculous questions. Goodbye" and hang up.

Is he such a fuckwit that you would actually think you would have to explain the alternatives? How would he hold down a job if he was as stupid as that?

My DH would only phone me at work if someone was dying and even then he'd text first to say he needed to phone. I would do the same with him.

As for debates about your housewifery or shopping habits. Just don't. He's not your boss. You don't answer to him. "If you are that bothered you do it instead. As long as I'm doing it alone, I will do it my way." Then refuse to engage. Absolutely refuse. "Fuck off!" is the short version.

Ultimately you need to leave but maybe noticing when you treat him like an idiot child or your boss would help you find yourself again ready for the change.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/10/2017 20:55

When does being lovely today mean that he wasn't horrible yesterday? How are these two things connected?

Regularsizedrudy · 23/10/2017 21:01

If any stupid fucker ever phoned me to complain about fucking shower gel I would go out, buy the biggest bottle I could find and then tell them to shove it up their arse, walk out the door and not come back. Its not trivial, it's a disgusting way to speak to someone you are supposed to love. Don't let someone treat you like a dog. You deserve so much better.

MadeForThis · 23/10/2017 21:21

Well done Ianbro. Are you ok?

lanbro · 23/10/2017 21:23

Yes I think so. It's been a long time coming and I had a lightbulb moment where I just thought I don't want to be in the same position this time next year, or 5 years or even 10 years down the line

Wallywobbles · 23/10/2017 21:44

Way to go lanbro.

Clitoria · 23/10/2017 21:51

AnyFucker your posts could be about my mother and her husband too except mine doesn't bother even pretending that she loves him, she says she's staying because she 'can't be bothered' starting all over again and also so that I get her house whenever he/they are dead, so it's all for me. Fuck that shit, I'm out.
The amount of damage caused by parents who force us to live in these toxic environments, walking on eggshells, whispering, slinking off to another room, not angering the abuser, trying to protect the victim, seeing sobbing victim and you've failed to protect them, protect the family pets too, being on edge looking for triggers to diffuse, waves of dread... it's hell and has fucking destroyed me. This is what anyone who chooses to stay with an abuser is forcing on their kids, it's fucking unacceptable and repugnant.

AnyFucker · 23/10/2017 22:45

I get you clitoria

I too think my mum gave up years ago. They don't actually show love and care to each other, they are simply two individuals united in their bitterness at the world

Every opportunity they get they snipe and undermine. My mum has at least achieved a modicum of equality in that she is as damaged as him. I remember when she had some outlook outside this toxic co dependence, but now their world is very small. I can spend no time in their company.

lanbro · 23/10/2017 22:50

I need to stay strong. He wants to give it one more go but I can't. My 5 year old has started shouting at my 4 year old, learned from us. I don't want my girls growing up with that. He's left the house now with a bag, wouldn't say where he was going. Has been surprised, devastated, angry, resigned, apologetic, accusing in just a few hours. Luckily the kids are out tonight and all day tomorrow, and got another staff member in tomorrow to cover me at work. I know I've done the right thing, told him I didn't love him anymore

DeadGood · 23/10/2017 22:51

"His mum is very much a doting housewife, never had to work and always had his and his Dads tea on the table when they arrived home from work with an immaculate home. She was and still is very happy to do this so I can see where he’s got this opinion from (that women should do everything) but what he fails to see is how respectful his Dad is towards her."

Um, no, what he fails to see is that his mother did not work. You do.

He can't have it both ways. Seriously - is he stupid? What does he say when you point this out to him?

user1471449805 · 23/10/2017 22:56

So, something to think about between now and your next thread.

Like quite a few posters here, my DM and stepdad have a massively disfunctional (manchild / enabler type) relationship. They are now mid-60s, but a few years back he had a stroke which seemed to highlight his worst behaviours and my mother is now living with a 65 year old toddler. It kind of works for them because that's the relationship they've always had, but would it work for you if that happened? All his worst behaviours magnified, and the kids distanced because you chose to stay with him when you still had the chance to leave?

I know it's an extreme example but help yourself and your children now.

AnyFucker · 23/10/2017 23:06

Sorry for my stream of conciousness, guys. Sometimes I start typing and it pours out....

You are doing the right thing, lanbro. Save yourself and save your kids

They deserve the best mother you can be. Trying to maintain a doomed toxic relationship takes energy and resilience best used elsewhere, believe me

PashPash · 23/10/2017 23:06

Well done

But watch your back. These wankers are following a script

Bet you within the week he’ll have accused you of cheating, of having another man lined up. He’ll be soo convincing too..

I had one do this, so told him I’d found myself a lovely new girlfriend at the local feminist meet up, and we were planning on moving in once I’d got him out. Took the wind RIGHT out of his sails.. twat.

HouseworkIsAPain · 23/10/2017 23:18

lanbro you've made the right choice. Your DC won't grow up in a toxic environment.

My older DC being shouty to my young DC is what made me draw a line under my marriage too. I thought I can't model this to them; they deserve to grow up in a happy household. It was tough being on my own but I am so so so glad I went through with it - DC adapted surprisingly quickly and we are a little team.

lanbro · 24/10/2017 07:21

Thank you. He has begged and begged but I've held firm. He's been online and found a flat so we'll see what happens today

lelapaletute · 24/10/2017 14:04

Well done Ianbru. Good luck with the next stage of your life! It will definitely be better

Zestoflemon, take note!!!

MrSnrubYesThatsIt · 24/10/2017 14:32

Hes a massive fucking cunt, is what he is.
please dump this absolute loser now.

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