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Original poster

Help me with my moody DP

123 replies

zestoflemon · 22/10/2017 12:08

DP is so moody. He never looks on the bright side and finds the negative in everything. When he’s like this he’s hard to be around.

The smalllest thing (to me anyway) sends him on a massive rant. For example yesterday we ran out to shower gel so he called me up and asked ‘what am I supposed to do?’ I told him he will just have to use his face wash for now and said that there will be some when the shopping is being delivered tonight. This sparked a huge debate about the day that I get our shopping delivered and I need to be more organised because ‘this house is a joke’. We have 2 DC and I work 4 days a week with a half hour lunch break so I really don’t want to spend my one day off going to the supermarket when I can just get it delivered. Apparently I ‘get a whole day to do nothing’ so I should be shopping then instead of sitting on the sofa’. On my day off I do the housework, washing, ironing etc and actually don’t get a minute spare for myself so this really got to me. He resents me having my day off and he’s admitted this (he works 5 and a half had a week which involves getting up really early so I do sympathise).

I’ve let him lie in both mornings this weekend and he still woke up in a mood. I asked him what’s wrong, he should be happy that’s he’s had 2 good lie-ins and he replied ‘Well you have got a week to lie in now haven’t you?’ (I’m on a weeks holiday to spend half term with the DC and most definitely won’t get a lie in!)

He seems to think the whole world should revolves around him. If he’s moody the whole house knows about it and I feel like he really underestimated all that I do. These little things might seem trivia to some but it’s really starting to piss me off.

Rant over

OP posts:
Original poster
zestoflemon · 22/10/2017 21:16

@RandomMess I know he was wrong for the shower gel thing but it seems so trivial written down.

Im making excuses for him and I feel pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
zestoflemon · 22/10/2017 21:18

@Clutterbugsmum I’ve mentioned it to him before (that things haven’t changed all that much) but he says that every couple has their differences and has rocky patches every so often and says I am expecting too much of I want things to be ‘perfect’ all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
zestoflemon · 22/10/2017 21:19

@AnyFucker Yes it is pathetic. I was here in July with a similar thread and was adamant I was going to leave.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/10/2017 21:19

My parents are now in their 70's

They are isolated in their dysfunction. My dad saw any friends off years ago

They feed off arguments with GP receptionists, cafe waitresses and their mutual hatred of each other to keep living now

They have no care for each other nor for anyone else

AnyFucker · 22/10/2017 21:21

Oh and my mother is a highly medicated hypochondriac

I connect that directly to damage to her self esteem caused by pandering to an abuser for decades

RandomMess · 22/10/2017 21:21

Find your anger, he treats you awfully truly thinks you exist to be his servant. Teach your DC that all women deserve better!

lanbro · 22/10/2017 21:21

He left last year but only for a week, I was soft and gave in. In my heart I know we won't last. 90% of the time it's good but the other 10% is draining me now, it's hard because it's lots of little things rather than one mega problem. We have 2 young children and 2 businesses...married and financially entangled although the house is just in my name. In the middle of an employment tribunal so that's contŕibuting but not an excuse!

What's really making me think now is how much more of my life am I going to waste? I've given it nearly 10 years, do I want to give another 10 and be nearer 50 than 40?? In my head I know the answer but it's so hard

LuxuryWoman2017 · 22/10/2017 21:22

I know he was wrong for the shower gel thing but it seems so trivial written down.

It was trivial - for him to kick off about. Mine was the same, years I endured his moods and sulking. I finally got rid, as I said upthread it's like the sun has come out again.
Why the hell did I put up with it?

Do you think he is currently beating himself up? Posting on a website asking strangers how he can stop being such a cunt?
Not a fucking chance.

Seeingadistance · 22/10/2017 21:25

The ending of things took place over a couple of months. He didn't speak to me for the best part of a month - March. Towards the end of that time I was away for a few days at a conference - I was at uni at the time and retraining for a new career, the conference was part of that. I was in a safe place, with people I trusted and who supported me. I confided in a couple of people and it was when I was away that I decided the marriage was at an end. He had been abusive in many ways for pretty much the whole marriage. I decided to wait until after my exams in May, then to tell him.

I reckon he saw a change in me, and as I started to plan my escape, he started to work towards reeling me back in. What had worked before was for him to say it was all over, and I'd dance round and say that I'd change and it would all be ok. Having decided I was going, I was much better able to see what he was thinking and doing.

The day before my first exam, when I was in the midst of studying, he decided he needed a night out, so I couldn't go to the library as planned. OK. I studied at home, at the kitchen table. He came in, late, and started talking to me about one of the books I was surrounded by. As he was talking, I picked the book up, and glanced at the blurb on the back of it. He stopped talking. I looked up and he had a right go at me for not looking at him when he was speaking to me. Emboldened by the fact that I knew I was leaving him, I very mildly pointed out that very often when I was speaking to him, he actually left the room. Why was that ok for him to do, but not ok for me to glance at the book he was speaking about? He paused for a bit, then said ... "because I'm a man"!

He then made himself something to eat, put the dirty dish in the sink and went to bed. I did some more studying then went to bed. On the bus to uni the next morning, for my exam, I got a text from him saying that the dish he put in the sink the night before was still there when he got up in the morning, that he'd had enough and would be seeing a lawyer about a divorce. I sat my exam, then in the afternoon I made an appointment to see a lawyer about a divorce.

That evening, neither of us said anything much until our DS was in bed, then I asked him if he had been to see a lawyer. He hadn't. I said that I had been in touch with a lawyer and that I agreed with him that things weren't working out, and that we should get divorced.

He wept.

I didn't.

Seeingadistance · 22/10/2017 21:30

And you know. It was only after I left that I realised it was as if I'd been living under water for years, coming up for a quick breath every so often, and then back down again. It was such a joy, and still is now, 10 years later, to realise that I can keep my head above the water, and breathe and breathe and breathe!

DingleBerries · 22/10/2017 21:38

OP sorry if I’ve missed a beat.

Your DP works full time but he makes passive aggressive (or our right blatant) comments about the fact that you do not work now the kids are at school?

Might be be taking the arsehole approach of saying things are now unequal?

I would not be happy if I was working my arse if and DH was dropping the kids at school and picking them up all day with no interest intention of putting in to our joint income.

But I’m guessig I’ve missed a major point to the thread because no one else seems to think this....

Original poster
zestoflemon · 22/10/2017 21:38

@Seeingadistance I love your story. Thank you so much for sharing

OP posts:
EyeRollChampion · 22/10/2017 21:39

I really do sympathise. It's easy to write LTB but really hard to put into practice, especially with DC. They will be upset but in the long run it'll do them far less damage. Also, YOU MATTER!!

Could he move out instead of you and the kids? Is the house in his name or are you just worried he won't actually leave?

Original poster
zestoflemon · 22/10/2017 21:40

@DingleBerries No I already work 4 days a week. He wants me to work 5 days now both DC are at school as well as keep up with housework, shopping and organising everything.

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 22/10/2017 21:40

Dingleberries did you read the opening post - at all?

DownTownAbbey · 22/10/2017 21:44

You're confusing love with habit. Would you treat someone you love so badly?

If you know he isn't someone you'll spend your life with rip the plaster off and get on with it. You're wasting your life and none of us knows how long we have. If he gets injured tomorrow you'll be stuck looking after him and you'll have missed your opportunity. Procrastination is the thief of time.

AdalindSchade · 22/10/2017 21:46

I get the push/pull dance when you know you need to end it but you keep getting sucked back in. I did it for literally years. But you're just prolonging the inevitable and it's miserable for all.

Clutterbugsmum · 22/10/2017 21:47

Dingleberries I read the OP as that OP already works 4 days fulltime as well as looking after the children, and doing all the housework and it still expected to do more. All the while lord and master he goes to work 5 days a week.

So the OP is working 1 job 4 days and the other 7 days a week.

AdalindSchade · 22/10/2017 21:47

Also - he wants a 50s housewife but he ALSO wants you out working full time. He's a proper misogynist.

AdalindSchade · 22/10/2017 21:48

@dingleberries the OP does work 4 days per week. Read the thread Hmm

expatinscotland · 22/10/2017 21:53

This is no way to live. He's despicable and despises you. I'd go through with separating.

ny20005 · 22/10/2017 21:54

I know it will initially hard on kids but it’s very short term & you’ll see the difference in you & them very very quickly

My friends dh was like this & she thought it was all very trivial stuff but it came down to showing her kids what was acceptable. Her son was already copying dad in the way he spoke to her & she did not want him to go on thinking it was normal. She didn’t want her dd growing up thinking she should let a man treat her like that. She kicked him out & has never looked back xx

TammyswansonTwo · 22/10/2017 22:00

Tell him to take a week off for half term instead. Let him handle the kids. Complain about the washing and the shopping and the cleaning and the cooking not being done when you get home. Lose your shit because you've run out of ketchup and what the hell are you supposed to do now?

Or just wise up that he's expecting you to be his maid and his prostitute and tell him to fuck the fuck off.

WhentoD · 22/10/2017 22:03

You sound like i was about 16 years ago. I think i was trauma bonded and I've wasted most of my adult life to a similarly abusive man.www.goodtherapy.org/blog/10-steps-to-recovering-from-toxic-trauma-bond-0110175
He is the problem in your relationship and he needs to accept his behaviour is wrong. As long as he excuses it and blames his behaviour 'choices' on you, your life will be blighted as mine has been. You can't change a damaged man. Only he can.

lanbro · 23/10/2017 18:11

@zestoflemon how are you feeling today?

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