Help me with my moody DP

[zestoflemon]

DP is so moody. He never looks on the bright side and finds the negative in everything. When he’s like this he’s hard to be around.

The smalllest thing (to me anyway) sends him on a massive rant. For example yesterday we ran out to shower gel so he called me up and asked ‘what am I supposed to do?’ I told him he will just have to use his face wash for now and said that there will be some when the shopping is being delivered tonight. This sparked a huge debate about the day that I get our shopping delivered and I need to be more organised because ‘this house is a joke’. We have 2 DC and I work 4 days a week with a half hour lunch break so I really don’t want to spend my one day off going to the supermarket when I can just get it delivered. Apparently I ‘get a whole day to do nothing’ so I should be shopping then instead of sitting on the sofa’. On my day off I do the housework, washing, ironing etc and actually don’t get a minute spare for myself so this really got to me. He resents me having my day off and he’s admitted this (he works 5 and a half had a week which involves getting up really early so I do sympathise).

I’ve let him lie in both mornings this weekend and he still woke up in a mood. I asked him what’s wrong, he should be happy that’s he’s had 2 good lie-ins and he replied ‘Well you have got a week to lie in now haven’t you?’ (I’m on a weeks holiday to spend half term with the DC and most definitely won’t get a lie in!)

He seems to think the whole world should revolves around him. If he’s moody the whole house knows about it and I feel like he really underestimated all that I do. These little things might seem trivia to some but it’s really starting to piss me off.

Rant over

Do you think your DC are happy now? They are picking up on your DHs moods and your upset even if you think you are hiding it!

Yes there will be a period of adjustment but the long term gains outweigh the short term pain.

@DaemonPantalaemon It seems impossible to find a way out. It doesn’t help that when he’s nice he is really, really lovely which makes me question if it is me just overreacting. His mum is very much a doting housewife, never had to work and always had his and his Dads tea on the table when they arrived home from work with an immaculate home. She was and still is very happy to do this so I can see where he’s got this opinion from (that women should do everything) but what he fails to see is how respectful his Dad is towards her. I feel like he wants me to be someone that it’s impossible for me to be.

@Ploppie4 The DC seem happy enough. My older one notices though and asks me ‘What’s wrong with Dad?’ And ‘Why are you quiet?’

The good news is that he is a dp and not a dh! So much easier to get rid of!
I know you yhink your children will be devastated, but I think you'll be surprised at how much happier and harmonious your home will be if this prick isn't in it! They will be picking up on all his moods and his attitude to you and it will be doing them no good. Best thing you could do for your children is to leave him.

There is no future in a relationship eith a man who resents you so much

He’s now sat in the lounge farting and burping whilst I’m doing dishes and hanging washing and calling ‘Are you ok darlin’?’

It’s making me cringe and frankly I’m embarrassed at his complete lack of understanding as to what’s wrong with me.

I would be embarassed at your craven manpleasing, tbh

What the heck are you thinking ?

Simply because he isn't a real grown up so doesn't he take any responsibility /give a flying fuck about your feelings.
Maybe he saw his df take his dm so much for granted he feels entitled to do the same. And your lack of voice about it is enabling him.

This is not the relationship you want your children to see / model for themselves.

@AnyFucker I’m embarrassed for myself

Stop bloody doing it then !

I’ve tried telling him
How he would feel if he heard his Bil speaking o his sister the way he speaks to me and he just shrugs his shoulders. I know he would go fucking ballistic. It’s my fault for allowing this to happen

@AnyFucker I just do it for a ‘quiet’ life. He’s moody when I do the majority of stuff so if I stop doing it the mood in the house would be unbearable.

Why bother then ?

You cannot win either way

You get 5/10 abusive dickhead or 10/10 abusive dickhead

Remove the dickhead and you get what you deserve.... 0/10 abuse

I would immediately stop doing anything for him. Would he honestly rather pay for childcare 5 days a week for the times you're at work just so you have to work more? I think I'd say yes, please and promptly employ a cleaner. The guy's an arse and you're inflicting his thinking on your dc. Do you really believe they'd be happier were you to stay with him and be the downtrodden little wife?

So leave

If you're DC.'s are girls they will grow up thinking it's ok to be treat like shit, they will seek this out.

If you're DCs are boys they will think it's ok to treat women like shit, they will seek this out.

Or leave.

I have written this on here before

My childhood consisted of me witnessing my mother appeasing my verbally abusive father

I am low contact with both of them even though they live a couple of miles away. They only have each other and they can't actually stand each other. They hardly know their grandchildren.

I blame both of them. Him for being the dickhead. And her for putting him before the emotional stability of her own children

The pair of you are raising abusers and/or enablers

The way you are handling this now will have far reaching consequences, believe me

My mother cried to me one daythatshe didn't jave the relationship with her daughters that she wanted

I told her why. Your kids will distance themselves too when they are old enough

Is he worth that ?

I understand your worries about your children. I left my husband when my son was 5 years old. 10 years ago now. My DS is fine, really. Children aren't daft - they do pick up on what's going on. Worse, you are showing them that you, and by extension all women, are of lesser value and deserve to be treated with disrespect and abuse.

Leaving will mean a short period of change and some uncertainty, but that won't last for long and LTBing will be so worth it!

@AnyFucker

Thank you for sharing your story.

I really wish I could just tell him to get out but for some reason, despite how he speaks to me I would feel bad and I would miss him. I have loved him for so long and it would all feel so strange to not see him everyday. Despite everything he’s the only person I really confide in about anything.

This is really difficult.

@Seeingadistance How did you end things?

It’s almost like I’m waiting for him to fuck up massively again to give me a good and valid excuse because he doesn’t realise what he’s doing to me at the moment with the constant belittling. I don’t think he will risk fucking up majorly (he has before) as he knows that would be it. The last big fuck up was when he chucked stuff around the house in a temper. The DC were in bed but were probably still awake.

I feel like a shit mum either way.

His fuck up was the way he spoke to you over the shower gel. Death by a thousand cuts.

My mum left him once when I was in my 20's.

Got her own place. Found some peace.

He talked her round of course with empty promises

30 years later he still treats her like shit. At hme, in public, everywhere, he knows no bounds

I asked her why she is still with him despite being virtually estranged from her dc and having lost many friends over the years. She has been on tranquilizers and anti depressants for as long as Iong as I can remember. As a small child I waited in a waiting room while she had electro convulsive therapy (now discredited) in an attempt to rewire her brain so she could stay

She said: because she loves him

How pathetic is that ? You are using the same reasoning

Last year we both decided it would be best to separate but decided to give it another go. Right then you given it year and nothing changed. So now you can can go forward and separate now knowing that you have tried your best to make it work, he hasn't.

Get your ducks in a row and tell him it's over.

I could've written your post! I have no answer...

@lanbro How is your situation currently? Do you think you will ever leave?