Sister lost husband and moving on too soon

[Pipsqueaked]

My BIL sadly passed away 2 years ago. Him and DSis have 2 children now 10 and 12.

After a year my sister met someone new (who seems a really lovely man) and they are now talking about moving in together. My Neices are devastated and say it's too soon.

My sister says she is in love and finally happy again and that the girls love her partner so will come around once they realise he isn't going to.be replacing BIL.

I don't know what to do. Me and sister have never been close (she's a lot older than me) but our parents are really concerned and have said if it's too soon for the girls it should be too soon for her as well. My sister has asked me to talk them round because she says they will listen to me but I don't know what I can do. The truth is I do feel for my nieces. AIBU to stay out of it and let them work it out amongst themselves?

I agree that suggesting counselling as a good idea for someone who doesn’t want it is pointless. Your sister knows it’s available if she wants to access it. Otherwise she won’t stick with it. My DH was advised to have bereavement counselling after losing his DH in a car accident. He went to one session and never went again.

Your nieces would benefit from it, I think. They definitely need to talk about their dad then they will be in more of a position to bond with their mum’s new DP.

the daughters are entitled to their feelings. They do not deserve to be brushed aside or talked out of them.

Your sis can do what she wants; so can her daughters. They might for example move away as soon as they are old enough and never come back. It is one possibility. I have seen worse.

Oh OP what a difficult situation. It must be so hard for your nieces to see another man coming to - in their eyes - replace their Dad in the family home.

Every time he sits at the table or in the lounge, if it's where their Dad sat, and really, that's likely to be the case, they'll view him as trying to literally take their Dad's place. Ditto whatever he does around the house, they are likely to see it as him trying to put himself where their Dad should have been.

It would perhaps be kinder on them if the new guy didn't move into their family home and the continuously together new relationship didn't start until they could all move together into a new house.

It's great your sister can find happiness again but I do think her dds need lots of TLC to help them process the huge lifechanges that are still happening to them.

If I was one of them, at that age, I'd hate him with every breath in my body, because I wouldn't be able to understand my Mum's actions at all. Then to think of happy Mum and him having more children, I'd feel dejected, rejected and unwanted.

Some form of counselling or help for the girls may help at this stage, they need to be able to talk about how they feel and be guided on how to deal with the conflicting feelings they are having. I'd suggest that to your Sister and tell her you will not influence her girls in any way.

If your parents have concerns then it's only fair that they speak to your sister. Would the time ever be right, perhaps moving to a new house would be the answer. The children should be encouraged to remember their loving father, maybe bereavement would help you all. Don't forget that new partner needs to feel loved and wanted too.

I think it's wrong to out you in this position, Pipsqueaked. It's too much and too complewx to unravel.
In my opinion, the girls definitely, definitely need someone to talk to. In a more general sense, I never think it hurts for children to have other people, alll kinds of people, not just professionals, to talk to. (Trivial example, I encourage my son to talk to our hairdresser, who is a very good listener. Having other relationships outside the family can bring many benefits). They need to be able to talk about their Dad.
I too would perhaps hold off for a short while him moving in.

I'm a bit surprised actually at your nieces saying "it's too soon." I can totally imagine them rejecting a potential new step-dad and claiming they don't like him, he's not their real dad etc, but the words "too soon" sound more like they've picked that up from an adult...

On the one hand, I agree with the above, sounds to me like the parents have been influencing the children, rather than just supporting them.

OTOH, the children clearly need some couselling, they are grieving too and stopping them from talking about their dad isn't actually healthy for them.

I don't judge your sister for wanting to be with her new partner, but it shouldn't be at the expense of the DCs happiness and well being.

The DCs have lost their dad and it could easily feel as if the new man is a replacement. In addition, one post mentioned the possibility of further children. Again, this could leave the DCs with the feeling of being replaced themselves if it's been mentioned around them.

PUT you in this position. Bum.

Good grief, the typos!

The girls and mum need to talk to each other about it. Parents have a right to be concerned but not because it's too soon, more that the new partner seems to be seen as a cure for undealt with grief rather than a new relationship for its own sake.

I think you would be wrong to try to talk anyone round but depending on the relationships/dynamic within the family you could non judgementally suggest better communication between mother and children.

Life is far too short as it is.

She will not forget her previous life though and as long as she is happy,that is the main thing.

This is very hard for you. I would say, it may be a good idea for you to speak to your nieces but only if you make it clear to your sister that you will talk to your nieces about it, but not to persuade them. Maybe to put your sister's position to them, but also to listen to their view. It may be easier for them to talk to you about it, than talk to their mum - or at least may be easier for you to hear them out. I suppose it's acting as a mediator. You can make it clear to them that you can help explain their view to their mum, and maybe help find a solution. .?? I think that what I woukd want to do if it were me...

What a position to be in OP, I would probably step right out of it, it's not fair on you at all. Your sister is going to do what she pleases anyway, but I hope that she gives due consideration to the needs of her children.

I have two perspectives on this. My Mum died having been married to my Dad for 40 years. He remarried 5 years later, even as an adult, as ridiculous as it sounds, I found it very difficult to come to terms with. My step-mum is lovely and has made him very happy but it took me a long time to accept the situation and I can't really pinpoint why that is! Grief is such an individual thing isn't it? On the other hand, my husband left me for a new widow, he moved in with her a few months after her husband's very sudden death in an RTA. Her son was only 7. I thought the pair of them were selfish beyond description and my now ex dismissed the child as "having counselling, he's fine". I doubt very much that was the case. In your sisters situation, it's been two years, she's young, it's not too soon I don't think, not at all. However, I do understand the concern for the children. You'll get some excellent advice from Somerville who knows exactly how this situation is, so hopefully that will help you with this. Good luck!

I'm not sure if this helps, but I lost my DM at a not too dissimilar age to your nieces. It was devastating and when my DF started seeing DSM I was, frankly, horrible. I was in my early teens when they got married and I cried all the way through the service and really resented her for ages.

But I came round and now we're incredibly close and I love her to bits. In retrospect, I really think I'd have struggled just as much with anyone my dad brought home, almost regardless of how long he took. It's a horrible painful process that can't really be bypassed. I just hope your nieces get loads of support and love and maybe some counselling. I think it's very mean for the adults to start pressuring your DSis to put her life on hold, though. Widow(er) is a hard life.

If the children are not allowed to mention their dad, and their mum and new man are discussing TTC, I can quite well see how the children think she has replaced their dad and is now trying to replace them. My dad died when I was ten and I do think that your sister is being terribly selfish - not by having a relationship, but in the way she is steamrollering her daughters into playing happy families and pretending their dad never existed. I’d have felt incredibly rejected in their place too. And I would have behaved absolutely terribly over it, I would have been furious with my mum and at that age I knew exactly which buttons to push. I’m not proud of that, but I do know what I was like as an angry grieving ten year old.

I think your sister and nieces need grief counselling because she fundamentally does not understand how they feel about all of this. And they clearly think she is sweeping their dad under the carpet. If they were all communicating well, they might not need it. But they aren’t. Sell it to your sister as a supportive environment for them to come to terms with the new man. I don’t think they’ll come round on their own - I certainly wouldn’t have. I might have had to accept it, but I would never have forgiven my mum. I know that isn’t remotely reasonable, but grieving children are very very angry little things and are not going to react rationally to things to do with their dad.

Everything @Sashkin said.

If this is the right relationship, then it would survive more patience and time for the children to adapt. Rushing a new partner in against the children's wishes is wrong, be it from bereavement or relationship breakdown. That doesn't mean the relationship is wrong in itself, just that it needs to progress at a pace acceptable to the children.

A couple more years of patience could make a major difference into how the children process their grief which can make a significant difference to them for life. Bottling away their grief and pushing a relationship too fast against their wishes could have a very long lasting effect.

Do your parents know for certain that the girls think it’s too soon, or are they putting words in their mouths? You should be the voice of reason here and tell your parents to give the new partner a chance - if they’re playing the grandkids and their daughter against each other; the shit will only splatter them when it hits the fan. The girls will choose their mum every time.

I think your sister is being incredibly unfair and selfish towards her children. Sister may have moved on, and be ready for this new phase in her life, but it sounds like her poor children aren't.

By all means, sister should continue her new romance, but there's no need to install this new man in her childrens' home just yet. If this new romance is meant to be, then it'll survive with them living apart for a while more yet. And if it's not meant to be, then better she finds this out on her own, then after dumping some new guy into her kids' home and have them suffer the disruption and loss of him as well in 3/6/12 months time.

Stay out of the nonsense between your sister and parents. Their relationship / their problem.

What is being done to help your nieces adjust? Family counseling? A plan that considers their needs? Does he have children as well? Does him moving in mean that they now have step siblings (sort of) that they will share space with? What is your sister's plan for spending time with her children without him? Or will that just go away?

I would advocate for my nieces with my sister to ensure that their emotional health is tended while my sister moved on. Nothing wrong with what your sister is doing, but her children still need love and support.

I don't talk about my sister with my parents, or vice versa. I used to, I got burned, never again.

Find a way to be supportive then if you think it's great. At the end of the day people become adults and don't remain 'children of their parents' if that makes sense.
It really grates me when I see parents still trying to influence and have a say in the lives of any child over the age of twenty.
She's been through hell, she's found happiness again and her daughters, her and her new partner will all deal and evolves time passes.
This really has nothing to do with your parents or you even though you want to try and make out as though you've been unwillingly dragged into it.
Tell your parents it's nothing to do with them and be done with it.
Support your sister whether you're close or not because it's the decent thing to do.
Simple.
(Unless of course you all want to drag this out for a few years/decades as a 'family' micro drama because no-one has anything better to do??)

Your parents don't think your sister should be moving in with her partner so of course they are going to influence your nieces in some way. I do wonder how they would feel if everyone was supportive of your sister and her desire to move on and live her life with someone she loves. What I mean is, how much is your parents stirring the pot?
Of course your nieces should be listened to and have their feelings heard but there does sound like some needless interfering happening, not necessarily the support that is needed in this situation. And no one should ever say your sister is 'moving on too soon'. That's appalling and disrespectful and, really, just mean

Orangewater33 are your comprehension skills really so terrible? It is my sister asking me to get involved.

I think it's too soon for moving in together if her children think it's too soon.

I say that as someone who lost a parent at a young age. Two years would've been too soon, and it would've led to resentment. I was happy for my mum to date; I was not happy for her to move us with someone else and expect us to play happy families.

Ever situation is different, as every family has their own considerations.

The biggest consideration here is that the children don't get to talk about their dad with their mum. . The mum should not be moving another man into the dcs' home, when she can't even speak to her children about their dad.

If she doesn't sort this issue out, she will damage her children for life.

Your sister is not doing a good thing IMO to move in / ttc with a new partner of 12 months, in the circumstances. Unlikely to benefit her DC. But that’s her choice and she’s unlikely to welcome any further negative opinions.

I would refuse to get involved with your sister’s issues with your parents.

I’d just try to be kind to the DNs.

It’s always going to be too soon for your nieces, your sister is not being unreasonable.

Yes. I read your post very well. I'm simply saying in situations like this people get carried away into over dramatizing everything very often, it can drag on for years.
Support your sister by telling your parents it's not their business and everyone will have to act as grown adults. With their own lives.
The problem here is not your sister or her new man it is clearly that you are both adult women who still need validation and acceptance from your parents.
Some parents are incapable of this ever.