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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister lost husband and moving on too soon

126 replies

Pipsqueaked · 21/10/2017 16:54

My BIL sadly passed away 2 years ago. Him and DSis have 2 children now 10 and 12.

After a year my sister met someone new (who seems a really lovely man) and they are now talking about moving in together. My Neices are devastated and say it's too soon.

My sister says she is in love and finally happy again and that the girls love her partner so will come around once they realise he isn't going to.be replacing BIL.

I don't know what to do. Me and sister have never been close (she's a lot older than me) but our parents are really concerned and have said if it's too soon for the girls it should be too soon for her as well. My sister has asked me to talk them round because she says they will listen to me but I don't know what I can do. The truth is I do feel for my nieces. AIBU to stay out of it and let them work it out amongst themselves?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 21/10/2017 18:14

Well, regarding the people who only did it because others suggested it, and weren't actually committed - they were in the wrong, not the people who made the suggestion.

BakedBeans47 · 21/10/2017 18:16

Agreed pallisers

ilovesooty · 21/10/2017 18:18

AnotherEmma if you have suffered a loss and feel vulnerable it's all too easy to fall in with the " suggestions" of well meaning people. I don't think any blame should be attached to you if you do.

Original poster
Pipsqueaked · 21/10/2017 18:18

Somerville I wish I could be more of a help to her. I know how hard it must be but things have always been a bit awkward between us. I don't think either of us know why.

And that's really interesting what you said about counselling. My sister has told DM that she doesn't need to talk about BIL. That she's dealt with it on her own and it's locked away in a box now. She says what she needs is to move on with DP. They are discussing buying a bigger house and TTC once the girls are more settled with things. Maybe she doesn't think she needs counselling but seeing the girls engaged with it would help?
I just don't want to step on anybody's toes.

OP posts:
pallisers · 21/10/2017 18:18

Some people take longer than others to move on. It is the right time for your sister. Nothing to do with anyone else.

Surely it has something to do with her children?

Somerville · 21/10/2017 18:18

It's not unusual for someone who has lost their spouse to be unable to discuss them meaningfully with their children, of hey haven't had lots of outside support especially. I can't paste it here as on my phone, but Google the circle of support. The spouse and dependant children are in the centre circle. Each concentric circle around them has another layer of people, depending on their closeness - E.g. immediate family. Then friends. Then workmates. Then wider community. Or whatever.
The support and comfort comes from the outside in. towards the middle.
Realising my children were in the middle there with me, in the same place with their grief, helped me realise that I couldn't both counsel them through theirs and deal with mine. (At that point I was suppressing mine to focus on theirs.) Actually, we all needed support from people in the wider circles, including some professional support, and in getting that we are now much better at supporting each other.

Sorry for the me-rail, thought I'd just explain why it's not shocking that OP's sister isn't talking about their dad with them. Sounds like they all have some processing to do. (Which doesn't necessarily mean that progressing the new relationship right now isn't ideal, but could do.)

Somerville · 21/10/2017 18:20

Sorry I have to run now, OP, but if you're happy to PM me the rough area your sister is in I'm happy to look into what good support organisations there are in her area for that age of children.

Downyonder · 21/10/2017 18:20

What if your sister listens to parents and children, this relationship ends and then she never finds anyone that she’s happy with?

I think if she’s happy and can work things out between her and the children then the opinions of others shouldn’t matter.

Redsrule · 21/10/2017 18:22

Mummy I think you misunderstood me, that was my point , grief is not quantifiable. It is always terrible but never a competition. It was just phosphorus who implied a league table that I objected to. Nobody can judge how significant another person's grief is. It is one of the hardest things in life.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2017 18:23

I agree to stay out of it.

From what I've heard her DP is a fantastic, lovely, supportive man

Does this mean that you haven't met him? I'd probably 'doubly stay out of it' if I was being asked to give an opinion in a situation like this if I didn't know the man in question.

Original poster
Pipsqueaked · 21/10/2017 18:23

Thank you Somerville I will PM you, if you don't mind. I am sorry that you have also lost someone close to you. It's one of those things that I naively thought only happened in films/ books etc. Well obviously I didn't but hopefully you know what I mean.

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 21/10/2017 18:24

What if your sister listens to parents and children, this relationship ends and then she never finds anyone that she’s happy with?

Who’s suggesting that the relationship needs to end? I’m reading it that the caution is over them setting up home together now. I don’t think anyone’s suggested she dump him altogether?

Or alternatively, what if he moves in now, things don’t go smoothly, they break up after the girls have got attached to him, and they end up even more distraught?

Original poster
Pipsqueaked · 21/10/2017 18:26

Pond I've only met him twice and the second time only briefly. Bizarrely it's my DM who tells me how fantastic he is- she just doesn't think they should be moving in together right now.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 21/10/2017 18:29

you cant gt involvd it will put u in an awkward position either way it goes

AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2017 18:33

Got it Pip

It's put you in a really difficult position. I think I agree with others who have said that the children may never get used to the idea. But really, it's up to their mother (DSis) to work it through with them. It's really not fair (to anyone) to bring more pressure to bear on either her or the children.

Counseling is a good idea.

kuniloofdooksa · 21/10/2017 18:34

2 years is reasonable for a person to mourn their departed spouse and be ready to commit again. Some people do it in less than 6 months!

20 years would feel too soon for many young people to feel OK about their widowed surviving parent moving on.

DSis is entitled to live her own life, not feel she has to live like a nun the rest of her life.

Delilah21D00LoT · 21/10/2017 18:35

Message to OP 'Pipsqueaked'.

I don't think it's too soon - my friend died back in February, she left behind a Husband and 3 young children.

Her Husband started seeing a woman back in June - Yup 4 months after his beloved wife died.

They are talking about moving in together, she has kids from previous relationships.

His children are still grieving for their Mum but he's out several times a week with the new Missus - happy as a sandman he is. Bereft are his kids.

It's none of my business, I know it's not, but I do NOT agree with this on any level.

I hope that puts things into perspective OP - whether you agree with it or not, it's going to happen and sometimes people need to do what makes them happy.

xx

Ellie56 · 21/10/2017 18:41

Dsis doesn't like them talking about BIL as she finds it upsets both her and them.

Well there lies the problem. These poor children have never been allowed to talk about their dad so they can't grieve properly. Until this has been addressed they will never be able to move on and accept the new man. As others have said they need counselling.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/10/2017 18:43

Delilah. What a dick. His young children need him and yet he’s romancing another woman. It does put the two years into perspective. But the children still need to be accommodated and acclimatised slowly to any idea of moving in together or marrying.

Acadia · 21/10/2017 18:47

The children's needs should come first. If they say they don't want mum's boyfriend in the house, then it cannot happen.

She can maintain a relationship with him without him living there.

Gathering up relatives to "convince" the children is unhealthy. They don't need randoms piling in to tell them their feelings are wrong. How is that going to help their grieving process?

I know too many people completely messed up by the installation of strange men in their homes. A home should be a place of sanctuary and safety, not somewhere with a stranger living in it. Which he is, to them.

WomblingThree · 21/10/2017 18:47

I don’t understand why some people are giving the OP or her sister a hard time. This is literally nothing to do with the OP, and her sister has put her in a ridiculous position. She is a grown woman and needs to sort her own life out. I’m not quite sure what you were hoping for from this post OP. To me, the only thing you should do is tell her it’s not your problem to sort out.

Serin · 21/10/2017 18:49

Your parents are being ridiculous.

I would be supporting my sister.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/10/2017 18:54

So much emotive language from posters projecting from their situations or situations of friends that they know little about.

Original poster
Pipsqueaked · 21/10/2017 18:55

Wombling I was hoping for reassurance that it was ok to stay out of it. Both my sister and my parents are asking for my opinion/ to take sides.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 21/10/2017 18:59

Pipsqueaked

Of course it is ok to stay out of it.

In this situation what ever you do could cause issues.

You are caught between a rock and a hard place.