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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister lost husband and moving on too soon

126 replies

Pipsqueaked · 21/10/2017 16:54

My BIL sadly passed away 2 years ago. Him and DSis have 2 children now 10 and 12.

After a year my sister met someone new (who seems a really lovely man) and they are now talking about moving in together. My Neices are devastated and say it's too soon.

My sister says she is in love and finally happy again and that the girls love her partner so will come around once they realise he isn't going to.be replacing BIL.

I don't know what to do. Me and sister have never been close (she's a lot older than me) but our parents are really concerned and have said if it's too soon for the girls it should be too soon for her as well. My sister has asked me to talk them round because she says they will listen to me but I don't know what I can do. The truth is I do feel for my nieces. AIBU to stay out of it and let them work it out amongst themselves?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pipsqueaked · 21/10/2017 17:18

I don't think it's too soon for my sister. Somerville I am being in no way judgemental to my neices about him moving in too soon if that's what you are trying to imply. That isn't why they are unhappy. I have told them to speak to their mum about their concerns, because they say they can't talk to her as they don't want to upset her.

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 21/10/2017 17:18

How bloody awful, that after all that your sister has been through, she's finally found a lovely man, and instead of everyone being over the moon, she has to deal with this shit. Would it be better if she was alone, for ever, and EVER and EVER? The kids are 10 & 12. They are not in charge. In your shoes, I would help my sister and talk to my nieces. Why wouldn't you? Tell them that they will be very happy when they leave home, that their Mum isn't lonely.

NameChange30 · 21/10/2017 17:19

I think you should tell everyone involved that while you love and support them, you are staying firmly out of it and not taking sides. As PPs have said, it's up to your sister to talk to her children and help them come to terms with the idea of her new partner moving in. It's also up to her to talk to your parents (although it's actually none of their business and if they don't approve it's not essential - and probably not even possible - for anyone to "talk them round").

Have the children had any bereavement counselling? Perhaps you could gently suggest to your sister that they have some (or more of it if they've already had some). Family counselling for the three of them might be beneficial too. But I think making that suggestion is about as far as you should go.

FWIW I think your sister needs to be sensitive to her children's feelings but she deserves her own happiness too. And actually I don't think it's too soon.

Pengggwn · 21/10/2017 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipmonkey · 21/10/2017 17:21

OP, I was widowed a year and a half ago and as a result of being in various groups for people who have lost their life partner, I know a lot of other widowed people.

First of all, there is no such thing as "too soon". While I personally don't want to meet someone new at the moment, many of my friends have. And one of the biggest complaints is family and friends butting in and telling them it's too soon. If SHE is ready to move on, then that is her business and hers alone

Losing a spouse IS a big deal. I have been unfortunate enough to have also lost a daughter but losing the person who was supposed to be there till you both grew old is terribly lonely. Nobody will ever replace your sister's husband but she deserves another chance at happiness.

As to your nieces; if he is a kind man and is happy to take on the role of loving stepdad, they will be fine. If you have any reason to suspect that he's not a kind man, then that's another matter. Be there for your nieces but it's

Original poster
Pipsqueaked · 21/10/2017 17:21

Tilapia I really doubt my parents are doing that. They aren't horrible monsters like some on here believe.

OP posts:
Redsrule · 21/10/2017 17:24

I am a widow and Phosphorus, you do not have a clue, so don't make such sweeping statements. Whilst I mourn my mother who died in her 80's it is nothing like the hideous hurt I still feel 7 years after my husband died. I lived with my parents for 18 years, my DH for 22. Whilst my DC still feel the loss of their father in their teens, now their lives are happy and fulfilled. Obviously they feel sad at times but they never expected to have a future with him by their side, they never had dreams of travel and even retirement.

OP there is no time limit on grief and the fact your DSis I'd moving on is great for her. Just make sure your nieces can continue to confide in you. A horrible position for you to be in.

Original poster
Pipsqueaked · 21/10/2017 17:29

AnotherEmma the children have not had counselling that I know of. Dsis doesn't like them talking about BIL as she finds it upsets both her and them. I didn't want this thread to seem like I'm judging her. I'm not. I just don't want to get involved in her arguments with our parents. Neither do I want her to feel unsupported though.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 21/10/2017 17:31

Well that's clearly the issue. The children need counselling. They need to be able to talk about their father. I expect they feel that they are expected to pretend he never existed and play happy families with the new partner. If that's the case I think it's pretty unhealthy. Did your sister get any counselling herself? She could do with taking advice from Somerville I reckon Wink

KiaraS · 21/10/2017 17:31

Have your nieces had counselling? Losing a parent is so sad at any time and add tragic to that at their age. Counselling will assist with recognising that new partner isn't going to be a daddy replacement. I would also recommend that they all go as a family together at some point to a counsellor who is trained to assist families with this transition so that boundaries are established, roles and responsibilities too and those girls fully believe that the memory of their dear daddy and the secure family unit they grew up in will always be cherished.
It's lovely that your sister has found love again. You sound like a caring family who are putting those young girls first.

honeyroar · 21/10/2017 17:31

I would speàk to your parents. Ask them why they're worried about your sister moving on and being happy. I wouldn't just refer your nieces to their mum either, ask them what their worries are. Reassure them that their dad isn't being replaced and try and help them understand their mum needs to be allowed to move on too.

honeyroar · 21/10/2017 17:33

Just read your update, and your sister not allowing them to talk about their dad won't be helping, she needs to address that before making the girls accept her new man. She can't just steam roller over everyone's feelings because it upsets her - she's not the only one upset!

Original poster
Pipsqueaked · 21/10/2017 17:34

How do I suggest family counselling sensitively? We aren't really the touchy- feely happy to discuss things kind of family

OP posts:
devondream · 21/10/2017 17:34

I lost my mother as a teen and can say that when my dad remarried after 2 years it damaged our relationship for many years.

Having said that - it would have felt too soon for 20 years probably. Hmm

The worst was not feeling listened to.

What is the rush? Can't she wait a couple more years?

SignoraCarmignola · 21/10/2017 17:34

The children have lost their father, and will feel the loss more deeply than your sister does.

Losing a spouse isn't in the same league as losing a parent

Really, is that so? Is it a universal rule? Because I've never heard anyone say that before.

KiaraS · 21/10/2017 17:34

Sorry I was writing my response so hadn't seen yours about counselling and that they don't discuss BIL. This isn't the right behaviour. Please encourage your sister and the girls to go to counselling as per my (and others) suggestions.

KiaraS · 21/10/2017 17:36

As per your question as to how to approach the counselling subject. She has asked you to speak to your parents. I would in return ask her to explore counselling. If she wants to live with her new partner and have any sort of happy family life she will most definitely consider this option. Otherwise I suspect NP won't stick around for long.

Tilapia · 21/10/2017 17:36

Sorry OP, I didn’t mean to imply anything nasty about your parents. I’m sure they mean well, but if they are sharing their opinions with your nieces they may be inadvertently giving your nieces negative thoughts about the situation.

MuddlingMackem · 21/10/2017 17:37

Pipsqueaked Sat 21-Oct-17 17:29:02

AnotherEmma the children have not had counselling that I know of. Dsis doesn't like them talking about BIL as she finds it upsets both her and them.

Well, no wonder the kids are so resistant. They haven't been able to grieve yet; how can they if they can't even talk about their dad with their mum. Sad

LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 21/10/2017 17:38

I don't think it's too soon for your sister, but if I'm honest I think it's probably too soon for the girls, especially if they haven't been able to talk about their grief. It would be different if he wasn't moving in, but two years is no time really to deal with losing their father and then being plonked into a whole new family set up, without dealing with the underlying grief in a healthy way.

honeyroar · 21/10/2017 17:38

I think you just have to tell her that the girls aren't coping and you think they need help. Tell her you want to see them all happy..

TheLegendOfBeans · 21/10/2017 17:39

the children have not had counselling that I know of. Dsis doesn't like them talking about BIL as she finds it upsets both her and them.

And that's why this issue may never resolve @Pipsqueaked and it's a shame you've been requested to put yourself in a damned awkward position with your nieces.

Undoubtedly your sister deserves happiness but I think the only way she'll be able to properly move on with her life is if the girls (and her?) have an outlet to talk about their fathers undoubtedly premature death.

They are at a sensitive age where they can understand to a degree what's happened but don't have the emotional maturity to process the potential next steps for their mum - her meeting someone nice and maybe moving him in and him potentially becoming their stepdad.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2017 17:40

Are you parents upset about her having a partner in general or just about the living together aspect?

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 21/10/2017 17:40

It's not your parents you should be speaking to, it's your sister. Even if you're not close.

Explain to her honestly that you are fine with her having a new partner, but that you can see your parents' and the DC's pov. Ask her to think about how it seems to the girls. They're only 10 and 12, and she's (in their eyes) replacing their dad, whatever she says about how he isn't.

SHE needs to be reassuring them that he won't replace their father, not just blithely saying that they'll come round. And she has to be the one talking to your parents too. She has to see that their concern is for the girls and that yes she's entitled to find happiness again but she also has to consider the girls' feelings in the way she handles it.

If she's willing to communicate with people, and not expect you to be the one to do it, the result will be better for everyone involved.

MollyHuaCha · 21/10/2017 17:41

It’s not too soon.

It will always feel awkward for everyone, no matter when it happens.

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