AIBU to feel disappointed and hurt?

[Cygnet44]

Quick overview of my situation:
Have been with DP for a little over 3 years, we have both turned 50 this year and have been previously married, have our own grown up DC etc. We have a fantastic relationship and we love each other dearly, he is loving and thoughtful.
We do not live together but see each other regularly; I stay over most weekends etc.
We have recently been talking about buying a house together; my house is on the market, we have viewed a couple and spoken to a mortgage advisor.
Before I met my DP, my best friend and I planned and saved for a 50th birthday trip of a lifetime to New York. When I met my DP, he was invited, so it turned into 4 of us going; my best friend took her DH. We have just returned from this 7 night trip and we had an amazing time. However it was spoilt for me by the actions and inaction of my DP and I just cannot believe he did the following to me:

In the run up to this trip, on two occasions, my DP said to me he may propose to me; the first time he said this I felt it was said off the cuff, I responded that he can't say things like that and not follow through because I would be disappointed if it didn't happen and it could ruin my trip.
The second time about 3 weeks before we went, he was telling me about a conversation he had had with a friend and he told me he had said to his friend he may even propose to me on the top of the Empire State building and that he was confident if he asked me, I would say yes. I said that would be amazing and I would probably cry with happiness.
Fast forward to this last week; we went to Empire State building and no proposal, nothing, no acknowledgement of it at all. I ended up feeling very hurt and disappointed, even rejected.
I decided not to say anything because I didn't want it to ruin my trip.
But my DP reads me like a book, because a day later he asked me what was up. I had to tell him the truth; I was disappointed, I couldn't understand why he had said it and then not followed through etc.

I just want to make it clear at this point that I had no expectations about getting engaged to this man anytime soon, if he hadn't said anything it would not have been an issue for me. The issue is he said it, he put the idea in my head and gave me an expectation, then failed to do anything. He knows that at some stage in our relationship I would like us to marry eventually. I truly thought that with our plans to buy a home together and the recent activity relating to this that this was the next natural step he wanted to take by saying it.

He didn't have an answer for me, in fact he went silent, no explanation, and a biggie for me; absolutely no acknowledgement of my feelings and no apology. Instead he suggested we go to Macy's and he will buy me a 'commitment' ring. I asked what does that even look like or mean and he said he didn't know! This actually made it worse for me and I told him it's not what I want and it's obviously not want he really wants either as no thought had gone into this.

I put all my feelings aside and went on to make sure I enjoyed every minute of my visit. We still had fun together because we are best friends as well as lovers and he is great to be around.
But I had a grey cloud over this and it has made me really question our relationship.

We arrived home to his place yesterday; we talked and I got upset; I told him I felt his behaviour was cruel and I am deeply hurt, even more so because of his inability to tell me why he said it and then didn't do anything, I said if he really wanted to, he would have done it. He said he didn't know if he wanted commitment, wished he had kept his mouth shut and really didn't set out to purposely upset me.

I was planning on staying the rest of the weekend but I made a decision to go straight home and stay there for the weekend. I got up to leave and he was surprised I was going. He asked me to stay the night and I said no. He then said come back tomorrow and we'll go and get a ring. I was gobsmacked! I said no, I'm not coming back, it's not how I want it to be, I don't want this if it's not what he wants too, that I feel he's only doing this to make me feel better, I don't want a sympathy ring.

I left with us both in tears and now I'm at home. The more I think about the whole situation, the more upset and angry I become. I feel hurt, rejected, and cannot believe he has done this to us, I'm still none the wiser.
I haven't spoken to him since, we've had the odd text message, the last one being this morning asking me how I'm feeling. I've not replied as yet, I don't know what else to say to him that I haven't already said.
AIBU to feel like this, am I overreacting?
I just feel it's cruel to raise someone's expectations and then dash them without explanation or apology.

How very sad. It sounded as though it's all been lovely until this, yet he now can't even acknowledge you being hurt, it's all about how shit he feels! It's funny how something can change in the blink of an eye.

You're right though, and very strong. There's no point meeting and talking - he needs to work it out himself how cruel and thoughtless he's been, and how worthless he's made it all feel. If he can't then what's the point.

Communication is key. It's all well and good outsiders noting his change and happiness being in a relationship with you. At the end of the day, It's about the both of you. Your love language. If he can't verbalise in person, it's okay to say it in letters although some people are great pulling the wool over someone's eyes with flowery languages

Sometimes you have to pick your battles. However, his flaky actions, verbally talking up about the proposal, raising your expectations are just another side that you've just seen of him. Is it complacent? True colours? You've been with him for 3 years. He can't compare you with his ex wife if he's afraid of commitment. What does you/he wants?

If he doesn't want marriage are you okay being just a cohabiting couple? If that's your compromise, you best have a will drawn up including division of assets. My ex (an only son) while he does all the little wonderful things you mentioned above was also a manipulative SOB. I realised when he said "See, I just have to fake cry and my parents and aunts will let me get away with it". Don't stay for the sunk cost fallacy. Life's too short waiting for the proposal, marriage, etc. and with aging comes wisdom not to put up with mind games or shitty behaviours. The time spent waiting for the proposal and marriage, could be the time spent with your new knight in shining armour.

What on Earth possessed him to be so thoughtless?

I think he must have had such a shit time when he was married, he’s probably terrified despite him knowing full well that you are not like his ex.

There is a sometimes an enormous disconnect between your head and your heart, or feelings and knowledge. He knows he loves you, wants to be with you, wants to marry you. He knows you are not his ex, not like her, not going to become her.

So, he has all thoughts, and then his fear pops up andbrings him to a complete stop. He can’t explain it because it’s not thoughts, it’s feelings. He turns into a terrified little boy ..... he can’t verbalise why or what.

If this is what is happening to him, then I don’t think all is lost. Maybe he would talk to someone - gp perhaps - who can set him on the road. Whether you want to wait is your choice.

I’m sorry you were hurt so badly.

Don’t buy property with him.

I agree with jux, I wod think about it, and agree to.take it slowly. Don't buy any property with him, until you know where you stand with him. Mabey message him saying you need some time.

I think there is a communications problem here. How serious was he when he suggested that he would do that. How committed did you become to the idea?

I think the sulking silent treatment is a bit too much. So many women on here complain when their partners do it because it gets in the way of open and clear communication. Why you are allowed to do it I am not sure. Its clear he know he arsed up but he is in a different place/chain of thought than you. The man that did all that for the 50th is still there and hurting. You being sulky is not helping that man. You being sulky is reminding him of the behaviour of his ex and that will be confusing him more.

You are both 50. Old enough to know that life isn't about unspontaneous, stage managed, faux romantic gestures. If you want to get married then have an adult conversation about it.

You don't need to be hanging on a string waiting til he decides to ask you.

This.

I'd have had the conversation about marriage when he first mentioned the possibility of proposing.

Jux I believe you could be right in your thinking, he did have a particularly bad time in his marriage.

scottishdiem I agree there is a communication problem; I don't know how serious he was but he knows that eventually I would like us to marry, he has said it will happen one day and then doing this, is not the kind of thing to say lightly and then not follow through.

My issue really is about what he said and what he didn't do; not the marriage proposal passe. Remember before his comments to me, I had absolutely no expectations for any kind of proposal. I'm struggling with the reason why he has behaved this way and not offered me any explanation, apology, acknowledgement or respect for my feelings.
I'm hurting right now, I'm giving myself some time and space to look after me and I've told him just this. I'm not a sulker. When my head is clearer of course I will have a conversation with him.

I don't think stop is sulking scottish. She has just calmly, firmly - and rightly - removed herself from the situation for a while.

*the op, not "stop"!

When both of you are ready to sit down and have a good honest chat, you could each write down on paper separately what you want out of the relationship . If they aligned, both of you could give a timeline as to when you'd like whatever it is to happen...milestones. Only then you could decide for yourself if it's worth salvaging. 3 years is more than enough time to know if marriage is on the cards or not for a mature couple. Don't stay just for the sake of it..sunk cost fallacy.

There's also nothing wrong with you doing the proposal.

Mmm
I'm not a sulker.
Yet:
Until he does the above, there will be no contact from me.

So you want an "explanation, apology, acknowledgement or respect for my feelings."

But I think he cant get to you to give that.

And lets be honest, following his last marriage, where do you even get the idea he might know that is the shopping list of things you want out of this situation?

When men say they want time and space for themselves, women on here suggest that the woman involved should change the locks. You are giving an awful lot of mixed messages. Do you want to give him a clue about why you are so upset and give him a chance to redeem himself. Or did you so buy into the idea of crying with happiness that was denied to you that you want to change the locks?

There's also nothing wrong with you doing the proposal.

nameusername I agree. Never understood this waiting for the man thing. And then being upset when it didnt happen.

I've mostly just read your original post but boy did it remind me of an instance in my last relationship (he was dumped a long time ago!) but a similar thing happened with me.

We were out in our local city centre enjoying a nice meal and wine at one of our favourite places. We'd very mildly discussed marriage but not in any formal way, planning for it, just generally mentioned it really.

As we were 3/4 of the way through the meal, out of the blue, he said "We'll never get married will we". Well that was it, I had to get up and go into the ladies. I was crouched down doing that hysterical sobbing when you can hardly breathe, and another woman came in and said are you ok? I nodded yes (think she'd been there seen that and knew it was just probably some man-related trauma).

I too wasn't fussed whether we would get married or not but for someone reason, it just broke me at the time. So I can totally empathise with you OP. It's callous and cruel to mess about with stuff like that and I've no idea why someone would do it - do they find it good sport or what's the deal?

Your chap took it WAY further though Christ. Why would you do that - if you're unsure don't bloody mention it!

I think ReanimatedSGB has it spot on. I have a friend who’s ex was exactly the same - would make a comment which hinted at a proposal so she would be all excited and romantic with him, then it would go a bit quiet, or if she called him out on any of his dickhead ways, what do you know, he was JUST about to propose but now it was spoilt etc etc. Went on until she dumped him, at which point he promised her that if she took him back he would propose straight away - luckily she didn’t.

When we were in New York I did tell him outright why I was feeling upset because he knew something was up and he asked me to be honest with him. When we got home yesterday, he said that we needed to talk about us, he asked me again what was wrong and I repeated it all over. I absolutely told him that he failed to acknowledge my feelings, or hadn't apologised. I asked him why on more than one occasion. He still hasn't given me anything to go on. Frankly, it's bewildering to me and I've been very clear. I left us yesterday with us both in tears.
So the no contact is me pulling away to look after my feelings and my heart, and to give him space to think about everything I have said and redeem himself. I've been very clear.
I'm am in no way anything like the personality of his exW; she would shout, be vile/nasty and belittle him; I've witnessed it myself and been on the receiving end. I am the opposite; I am calm, reasonable and respectful. We have never shouted at each other or been disrespectful or hurtful. When we fall out or disagree, we usually are able to have constructive conversation with each other. But this is on a different level because he now won't communicate his reasoning behind this behaviour.
He is old fashioned and doesn't believe a woman should do the asking; I wouldn't want to put either of us in that awkward situation if this isn't right.

YANBU - he has been an idiot.

I think he basically does love you very much but when it came to 'the moment' he got scared, perhaps haunted by his failed marriage. I also think that he probably genuinely doesn't know why he behaved as he did, and that's why he can't explain himself to you. Men can be rubbish at having insight into their own feelings. Whilst he's been very hurtful, he hasn't meant to, and is doing the best he can. You now have to decide whether that's good enough for you.

Telling him you need space, and focusing on yourself seems like the best thing. If you can do it without blame or sulkiness, even better - time apart to reflect will be good for you both, but not if he's feeling that he is in the dog house ... if he feels like that he might just conclude that he can never make you happy. And maybe he can't - I hope you work out what's best for you xx

He is old fashioned and doesn't believe a woman should do the asking; I wouldn't want to put either of us in that awkward situation if this isn't right.

If that's the case, you will be left hanging. Hoping and wishing.

Of course who doesn't want a man to do the proposing. BUT if I was in your position and you believe in the sanctity of marriage and whatever benefits that it brings, I WILL do the proposal.

HIS reactions will tell you all that you need to know. If he thinks your emasculating him and that he'll be the laughing stock among his friends, are you willing to end the relationship? There's only so much to and fro and conversation going on. Are you afraid of breaking up? Also, there's no such thing as a do over proposal just because he thinks it's a man thing.

your=you're

hhmm..there should a way to edit posts. brain and fingers not working in tandem

Yanbu. I've dated this sort before and it ended badly. He even said once what would you say if I asked to marry you? And I said either ask me or don't! It wasn't a proposal, he just wanted to know what I'd say, how weird is that??

In the end when I expected him at some point to ask and he didn't, because he felt 'pressured' we broke up and it was the best thing that ever happened!

I know this isnt particularly helpful but:

he wishes he'd never opened his mouth or that he had gone through with it!

maybe all you are going to really get when you say:

won't communicate his reasoning behind this behaviour.

He had an idea that popped into his head. Do we know how serious it was at that moment when he said it? Has he always delivered on verbal comments and has never been given to flights of fancy? Was it talked about since then? How did you get so committed to the idea that he would do it? He clearly didnt take himself seriously when he said it and is therefore both regretting that he mentioned it to you and thus allowing you to build it up in your head and clearly utterly expecting it at that moment. A part of him (big or small I dont know) does wish he had gone through with it has its clear he doesnt want to hurt you and does love you (despite the claims of others here that he only wants your property).

I dont think men get the pre-proposal thing in the same way women do or want (i.e. I will propose in this way at this time). You are upset at not getting something he didnt think he was going to do.

You have created a rod for your own back. If you continue your relationship with him will he think that any proposal he does actually do top the one in New York you fantasied about? And will you believe him because it doesnt and he is playing catch up?

Oh my goodness OP I don’t blame you for being upset and hurt.

In all honesty I couldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who had a) done this and b) who didn’t know if he ‘wanted commitment’ after 3 years together! Funny how he’s happy to have the commitment of buying a house together though when you’re putting in the majority of the money. He only wants commitments that benefit him.

He told the OP he was thinking of proposing, and then at another time, told OP he'd been telling a friend he was thinking of proposing. It didn't just "pop into his head". He'd obviously been giving it some consideration and even discussed it with his friend.

Also, he hasn't apologised to OP, even though she's told him how much he's hurt her.