AIBU to feel disappointed and hurt?

[Cygnet44]

Quick overview of my situation:
Have been with DP for a little over 3 years, we have both turned 50 this year and have been previously married, have our own grown up DC etc. We have a fantastic relationship and we love each other dearly, he is loving and thoughtful.
We do not live together but see each other regularly; I stay over most weekends etc.
We have recently been talking about buying a house together; my house is on the market, we have viewed a couple and spoken to a mortgage advisor.
Before I met my DP, my best friend and I planned and saved for a 50th birthday trip of a lifetime to New York. When I met my DP, he was invited, so it turned into 4 of us going; my best friend took her DH. We have just returned from this 7 night trip and we had an amazing time. However it was spoilt for me by the actions and inaction of my DP and I just cannot believe he did the following to me:

In the run up to this trip, on two occasions, my DP said to me he may propose to me; the first time he said this I felt it was said off the cuff, I responded that he can't say things like that and not follow through because I would be disappointed if it didn't happen and it could ruin my trip.
The second time about 3 weeks before we went, he was telling me about a conversation he had had with a friend and he told me he had said to his friend he may even propose to me on the top of the Empire State building and that he was confident if he asked me, I would say yes. I said that would be amazing and I would probably cry with happiness.
Fast forward to this last week; we went to Empire State building and no proposal, nothing, no acknowledgement of it at all. I ended up feeling very hurt and disappointed, even rejected.
I decided not to say anything because I didn't want it to ruin my trip.
But my DP reads me like a book, because a day later he asked me what was up. I had to tell him the truth; I was disappointed, I couldn't understand why he had said it and then not followed through etc.

I just want to make it clear at this point that I had no expectations about getting engaged to this man anytime soon, if he hadn't said anything it would not have been an issue for me. The issue is he said it, he put the idea in my head and gave me an expectation, then failed to do anything. He knows that at some stage in our relationship I would like us to marry eventually. I truly thought that with our plans to buy a home together and the recent activity relating to this that this was the next natural step he wanted to take by saying it.

He didn't have an answer for me, in fact he went silent, no explanation, and a biggie for me; absolutely no acknowledgement of my feelings and no apology. Instead he suggested we go to Macy's and he will buy me a 'commitment' ring. I asked what does that even look like or mean and he said he didn't know! This actually made it worse for me and I told him it's not what I want and it's obviously not want he really wants either as no thought had gone into this.

I put all my feelings aside and went on to make sure I enjoyed every minute of my visit. We still had fun together because we are best friends as well as lovers and he is great to be around.
But I had a grey cloud over this and it has made me really question our relationship.

We arrived home to his place yesterday; we talked and I got upset; I told him I felt his behaviour was cruel and I am deeply hurt, even more so because of his inability to tell me why he said it and then didn't do anything, I said if he really wanted to, he would have done it. He said he didn't know if he wanted commitment, wished he had kept his mouth shut and really didn't set out to purposely upset me.

I was planning on staying the rest of the weekend but I made a decision to go straight home and stay there for the weekend. I got up to leave and he was surprised I was going. He asked me to stay the night and I said no. He then said come back tomorrow and we'll go and get a ring. I was gobsmacked! I said no, I'm not coming back, it's not how I want it to be, I don't want this if it's not what he wants too, that I feel he's only doing this to make me feel better, I don't want a sympathy ring.

I left with us both in tears and now I'm at home. The more I think about the whole situation, the more upset and angry I become. I feel hurt, rejected, and cannot believe he has done this to us, I'm still none the wiser.
I haven't spoken to him since, we've had the odd text message, the last one being this morning asking me how I'm feeling. I've not replied as yet, I don't know what else to say to him that I haven't already said.
AIBU to feel like this, am I overreacting?
I just feel it's cruel to raise someone's expectations and then dash them without explanation or apology.

Of course you should be upset! What on earth was he thinking? I would question his common sense and emotional maturity. I would also be slamming on the brakes in regards to this relationship. Don't even think about selling your home and buying one with him until you have taken lots of time to work through what you want to do. If I were you, I would be questioning whether this man really knows me at all, and does he really care about my feelings. What he did to you was twatish to the highest order. What an absolute tit.

Thanks all, to answer some of the questions:
Yes his previous relationship/marriage of 28 years ended acrimoniously; he walked out on it, his exW was a controlling alcoholic and their marriage was terrible. I haven't just taken this from him, lots of his friends have told me things. They have 2 DC; 15 and 21. I can understand why he would be nervous about committing. His exW currently is on a 2 year conditional discharge for verbally assaulting me and physically/verbally assaulting him in the supermarket last year. They do not speak ever. His DS/21 lives with him, his DD/15 lives with mum but stays with DP most weekends. My DS/21 lives with me.
He has savings from the sale of the marital home he would have put into a house purchase, however the majority of the deposit would come from mine.
We have been through a lot together and he has acknowledged that I have put up and supported him through some tough times.
I can see that he is confused, however I am disappointed he can't/won't be honest, acknowledge my feelings or apologise for the hurt he has caused.

Until he does the above, there will be no contact from me.

What kind of idiot trails an upcoming proposal of marriage not once, but twice, at a specific place and time, then doesn’t follow through?

How could he not realise how hurtful and disappointing that would be for you?

Agree that the ‘commitment ring’ is bollocks. I’m also in violent agreement with the posters who say that under no circumstances should you sell your house to move in with this man.

Really sorry you had to go through it. What an arse.

You're not overreacting at all.

I agree with the dog-biscuit analogy, sorry. Raising your hopes and expectations then dashing them like that, he had no intentions of asking you in the first place and to save face a little he offered a meaningless token of a 'commitment ring'.

Definitely take your house off the market and do not get into any joint finances with him.

He says he doesn't know what he wants (apart from an easy ride through life) but at the same time, he's not afraid of trampling your feelings whilst he's trying to decide.

Before you went away, his words said he cared about you, whilst you were there and since you've come back, his actions were to treat you like dirt.

He wouldn't even be on my casual acquaintances list if he'd done that to me.

Cut him loose OP and find someone who really cares, or even someone who is upfront about not caring, either way, you'll know where you stand.

I can see why he's nevevous about marriage, he still has grief from his ex. You are right, expect nothing less, if he doesent than its over.

The "commitment ring" rubbish is one for the books! Christ on a bike, is he 13 years old?? He's committing to eventually proposing someday? It's utter nonsense.

You've got SO much more to lose by buying a house together let alone marrying him. Very sensible to take your house off the market. It's a great signal to him you won't be messed around. For me this would be the end of the relationship anyway. He said he doesn't want to commit to you so clearly he doesnt feel buying a house together is a commitment - well of course not you're the one paying for it!

Good for you for not contacting him. This reminds me of a thread on here a few months ago where someone's boyfriend kept insisting on taking her ring shopping every weekend but would never commit to buying one. Then eventually admitted he didn't believe in marriage. Why would you dangle someone on a string like that? It's cruel and fucks with your head.

I can understand his reluctance to commit to marriage agin considering his history. But them why tell you about these elaborate proposals? Unless he likes to see himself as some dashing romantic hero. But that is a very nasty way to behave and I'm sorry this happened to you. He may not have consciously been trying to fuck with your head but there's an element of emotional immaturity there. I hope he apologises to you properly.

My DH told me he had plans to propose at the Empire State Building. But he told me after he actually proposed (somewhere I preferred anyway!)

Sorry forgotten the poster but on the first page someone had it right - he's dangling a carrot in front of you. Keeping you sweet on the off chance he'll pop the question.

i think you're right in taking your house off the market. It's not the fact he told you his plans that bothers me (why though?!) it's his lack of empathy for your feelings afterwards

Thank you all, some very interesting points made that are giving me food for thought.
I've not text him since telling him I need space and time. He has recently text me saying 'I feel like shit'.
Well my immediate thought was; good now you know how I feel and if you think I'm going to acknowledge that then you are stupid.
I've still had no acknowledgement or empathy for my feelings, nor an apology. I'm not going to spell it out for him either, so he can continue to feel like shit just like I do.

Do NOT merge your finances with someone so flaky. If anything happens to you, you want your daughter to inherit your house, and not have everything complicated, with this guy having put some money in.

Sounds awful. A bit of game playing with your feelings. Quite immature, really.

Whatever you decide, only invest the same financially that he does or have something in writing regarding what happens if you split.

If he's not fully committed now, you don't need to go through a financial loss in the future as well as the emotional loss. Protect your purse and your heart!

Why would the majority of the deposit come from you? Why not equal? That sounds dodgy too?

I firmly believe he was saying things about proposing because he thought it's what you wanted to hear, so maybe if he throws out these romantic teasers every once in a while, you'll stay on the hook. How convenient for him when he's planning on you bankrolling his new house. Protect your financial security. Perhaps his true colours are finally showing through the smoke and mirrors.

Hes been a idiot op and glad you are not selling your house. I would speak to him and say that you are going to think about what you want out of relationship and he should do the same. He needs to be honest if he doesnt want to get married again/ mive i together and you need to think is that something thats important to you. My other thought was is he wanting to wait till kids leave home before moving in together ? Would you be happy if the relationship was always the way it is now if he isnt sure if he wants to live together. Some people are very happy not living together would you be happy with that ?

Cheesy, I imagine because the OP has equity in her current house but her boyfriend has no property and only some savings.

He doesn't have to be deliberately withholding money to have more to gain from this than her.

If you don't marry it should be perfectly possible to protect your deposit, but fuck that noise - just don't sell your house, don't merge your future with his.

Is it possible he told his DC and they reacted badly? Maybe they’re still not over him and their mum splitting up?

Did he seem to pull back from the idea of buying a house together at any point leading up to your trip?

It sounds like either he doesn’t know what he wants, but was trying to keep you sweet along the way (the commitment ring sounds like a desperate plea tbh), or his words were genuine initially but something happened in those few weeks to change his mind.

Either way, it sounds like something very difficult to bounce back from.
You’d have to find a way to go from buying a house together (a massive step forward in the ‘rest of your lives together’) back to almost casual whilst you work out where you both stand.

I do think if you believe you can’t continue after this, its best to just cut all contact now as it will save you a lot of potential hurt.

Cygnet, I very much admire you, you know exactly where you are at.

What he did was cruel. You don't tell somebody you might propose to them, let alone what could be considered a 'dream' proposal.

To then go on and not propose, and to top it off, have no empathy or apology afterwards, is rubbing salt into the wound.

You're doing the right thing taking the house off the market. From now on, if you do decide to continue the relationship, you would be wise to keep your own home and don't marry him even if he does propose, either now, or years down the line.
I think you need to protect your assets.

Have you spoken to your friend about it yet?

I would message to say, you made me feel like shit in New York. I need some time out to think about where this relationship is going.

I do think it sounds like he was feeling the situation and trying to see how you would react to the idea. Perhaps he was hoping you would not be all that enthused by the idea and say you'd be happy to just carry on as you are. Maybe when you seemed excited, he panicked and couldn't go through with it. It doesn't sound like it was ill intentioned, but sounded like he didn't think it through and stabbed himself in the foot in the end.

Don't do the whole 'commitment ring' thing though if what you want eventually is to be married. I have a friend who wants to marry her partner (both in their 60s). They have been through two - two! - 'commitment ceremonies' (weddings, but not actually legally binding, but in a church, big dinner and party after, gifts, bridesmaids, etc.) because she wants so badly to marry him but he won't ask and keeps just trying to placate her with a 'commitment ring' and these 'commitment ceremonies.' If you want to be married, it should be mutual and it shouldn't be under pressure, which you know. I would absolutely, if you feel your relationship can make it through this, but it on the backburner and give this some time and not take this consolation ring he's trying to offer.

Such a hurtful thing to do OP, I’m delighted that you confronted him about your feelings and didn’t pretend everything was ok. He sounds very immature goin on about how he is feeling etc. I would also be so hurt by this behaviour and if your definitely make me take a step back for a while.

i think he liked the idea, but then got cold feet about actually committing. and i also think he got caught up in the game that SGB outlined. absolutely i agree do not buy a house with him. he wants all his cakes (ie. your deposit and entertainment) without putting in anything himself (long term commitment).

poor him feeling so hurt. fuck him. how about setting you up for hurt and disappointment, ruining your long awaited holiday?

DanHumphreyIsA no I don't think he told his DC at all. Reason is they are glad the marriage is over; they have first hand experience of their mother's behaviour towards them, his DS chose to live with him. I also have a great relationship with both of them, they came house hunting with us and have said to DP they would be fine with us all being together.
We both pulled back from the house hunting because I've had no offers on mine so it did seem a bit of a pointless exercise.
I don't feel that he sees me as his only way of getting back on the property ladder, he has said he is happy to continue renting. He has never tried to force the issue of me selling my house, it was my own decision.
The reason I would be putting in the lion's share is that we would need a 4 bedroom place to accommodate all of us, which means we would require as big a deposit as possible for mortgage purposes.

We live 45 minutes drive away from each other, it tends to be me staying over at his for convenience and I also prefer the area to where I live. I know I would have been happy over there and it makes no difference to me getting to/from work, his work is all local (he is self employed).
The bedroom at his he views as mine too; he cleared a space in the wardrobe, bought me a matching bedside table, I have a key to the house and he is happy for me to make myself at home whilst I'm there. He does my washing for me, we cook together etc.
Earlier this year, we bought a second hand sporty car together (equal share); our fun weekend runaround when we go for trips out (I have a company car and he has a large van for his work).
He is usually very caring, thoughtful and does make an effort for me; he leaves me romantic notes in a packed lunch which he would make for me to take to work, when he went away for a weekend, he left a note in the bed and my favourite sweets for me to find and red roses on the bedside table, knowing that I would be visiting there whilst he was away. When I have to travel for work and leave at 5am, he will get up with me and make me coffee. He has sent me romantic cards for no reason. He loves to hug me and has no issue with PDA's.

His close friends have told me they have seen such a change in him, that he is so happy since he has been with me. My son, my sister and all my friends love him, as he such a friendly, fun man.
For my 50th birthday earlier this year, he organised a surprise weekend away, he took me on a mystery trip to our destination (York) had booked a posh champagne afternoon tea, a couples massage in a lovely hotel spa and had organised a meal in a restaurant he knew I would love.

We have shared so many fun times together, we are always socialising either just us or with friends.
I feel so very sad, but thinking about some of the comments here about him being flaky, I believe this to be true. He does have an issue with telling me how he feels deep down, yet he tells me and shows me, he loves me, the majority of the time. He also has an issue with acknowledging my feelings when I take issue with him.
I fear this situation will be the straw that broke the camel's back.