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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sleepover hijack attempt

88 replies

BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 10:03

I'm a bit annoyed this morning and just wondering if IBU

DD (12) has 2 really good friends. They've done a few sleepovers at the other girls houses and I'd tried to arrange one for tonight with both girls coming - reluctantly as 3 would be a real squash in DD's room. I've had one of the friends a few times and she is fine as they go to sleep at a decent time etc but not the other.

Anyway turned out the other girl couldn't come anyway due to other plans so just DD and the girl who'd been before.

So I got a text from the other girls mum this morning saying that their plans had changed and as her DD was "free to do as she pleased" did my DD, and her friend want to go to an activity with her DD tonight - paid activity in another town so they'd be away for 3 hours.

I said no as if they'd gone then I would have felt obliged to have other girl for tea and a sleepover after all. Since the plans were made DH had his shift changed to night shift so will be sleeping tomorrow morning so 3 would just be too noisy.

Also a bit miffed that she didn't just say to her DD that the plans were made now - we have another date in for her to come for a sleepover. And surely if you know that kids are having a sleepover at one house you don't then try to arrange something extra on the day just because your DD is suddenly free.

I think the other mum is p'd off with me as she just texted back "never mind".

I'm really not good with last minute changes of plan so it might just be me ......

And I feel bad that the girl who is coming will have wanted to go as the only plans we have for tonight are watching Strictly ......

OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 21/10/2017 10:06

It sounds like you're over-involved to be honest.

Don't they arrange their own sleepovers and meet ups? My DD is 13 and has been sorting out her own social life since she was 12.

All her friends do...they text or arrange at school. Then ask parents if it's ok...or ask us when they want a lift somewhere to town or something.

I think you were quite unreasonable not to agree to the offered activity anyway. It might have been fun.

BertrandRussell · 21/10/2017 10:09

I can't begin to understand why you're upset-the other girl was unexpectedly free so her mum thought they could all do something together. And then, presumably go back to yours for the sleepover as originally planned.

Original poster
BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 10:11

Erm overinvolved in organising a sleepover at my house - no.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 21/10/2017 10:16

I think you were a bit mean tbh. If you were happy enough to invite the girl originally why exclude her now?

TealStar · 21/10/2017 10:17

Sorry Birdy but I agree with Bertrand here. Things like this happen all the time among my dds and friends, and I would have honoured the original invitation. It sounds rather generous of Friend 3's mum to take them all off, in fact they would probably all be knocked by this evening!

I would have said yes that would be wonderful however dh's shifts have changed so we are going to have to insist that the girls go to sleep at a sensible time tonight. So long as they understand that, that's great! Then I would expect Friend 3's mum to have a strong word with her about respecting our wishes. You pull together as parents, right Wink

TealStar · 21/10/2017 10:17

Knackered, not knocked!

Heratnumber7 · 21/10/2017 10:17

I can’t see the problem either. Free entertainment for a few hours for all three of them, outside of the house??!!

Original poster
BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 10:23

Barbarian as I said I was wiling to have 3 originally but DH will now be in bed in the morning and it's difficult enough for him to sleep when it's just my DCs. I didn't want to cancel the girl who was coming (as I know she'll be quiet) but it would be unfair to him to bring someone else into the house when he is sleeping.

But everyone seems to think I'm being unfair so fair enough.

OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 21/10/2017 10:28

I just think it's odd that you're in charge of cancelling or inviting! Not being mean or anything...I literally don't know a single one of my DD"s friends who didn't begin sorting these things out themselves at high school age.

TheBrilloPad · 21/10/2017 10:31

I think I would have sucked it up and honoured the original invite tbh. It does seem a bit mean.

Rachie1973 · 21/10/2017 10:31

You're kinda micromanaging them a bit.

You could end up with 2 girls pissy at your daughter now because they missed out on a fun activity because you said no.

MrsOverTheRoad · 21/10/2017 10:34

Rachie that's what I'm getting at I think. It's simpler to let them organise themselves...and only intervene when they ask for advice.

They're more than capable at12 of saying "Fancy a sleepover? I'll ask my Mum and Dad"

TwitterQueen1 · 21/10/2017 10:35

Your post is really confusing. Why would you have felt compelled to invite someone else over when your DD was invited to an event elsewhere?

There were going to be 3 of them anyway so what has your husband's changing shift got to do with anything?

You're over-complicating, projecting and goodness knows what else. As others have said, leave it to the DD if you have agreed a sleepover. Don't make everything so difficult.

viques · 21/10/2017 10:37

To be fair to the OP I doubt if many 12 year olds arrange paid for and out of town activities for themselves without parental approval, financial input and travel arrangements! So girl 3 s mother phoning to ask if Girls 1 and 2 wanted to come is fine in my eyes, though I think doing it when she has already turned down the sleepover is a tad odd even if their plans had changed.

Original poster
BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 10:37

Yup I get it, I'm being unfair.

But interested in those saying that their kids organised things themselves from high school age - what just inviting friends for sleepovers and then telling you who is coming, or arranging for a paid activity and then telling you to take them.

Where there is travel or paying for something or sleeping at a house surely parents need to be involved??

I don't get involved in going to the local café, library, walks or just round to houses as that would be micromanaging as people say.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/10/2017 10:39

" I would have felt obliged to have other girl for tea and a sleepover after all. "

Which shouldn't be a problem as it's what you had intended to do.

But if you no longer could-why not let them go to the activity?

Did you decline for the other girl who is staying with you?

Chocolatecake12 · 21/10/2017 10:41

Honestly why don’t you just let them go to the activity, come for a sleepover and have a great night! Arrange for both of the girls to be collected at 10ish the next morning as dh has to sleep or take them out for breakfast.
Win win!!

JustMumNowNotMe · 21/10/2017 10:41

Why are you arranging this stuff?! Presumably the girls all have access to a phone and can arrange their own plans?!! Confused DD1 is 10, if she wants a sleepover she'll ask me, but then organise it herself, same with her friends. I could count on one hand the amount of times I've spoken to other parents about stuff like this ever!!

Original poster
BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 10:44

diddl - that's what I intended to do before DH was working at night and going to be sleeping all morning. I wouldn't have arranged it for this night if that had been the case originally.

So yup, everyone thinks I'm being unfair so I accept that

And no I didn't refuse for the other girl - she texted DD and said she'd do what DD was doing.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/10/2017 10:50

Why don’t you text the mum. You were hasty. Apologise. Explain why you refused - ie your dhs sleeping. Thank her for thinking of your dd and friend. And take her up on the offer and let her dd stay on the proviso everyone is quiet the next morning... perhaps you could take them out for a wander around the local market, car boot etc. But odds on they’ll just be chilling on their phones or in front of the Tv if they didn’t sleep much.

I am chronically ill so I know about the need for sleep and quiet so my dd is quiet for me with her friends when I rest. You can’t have your dds social life revolve around your dhs sleep. Your dd otoh also needs to respect her fathers need for sleep and quiet.

diddl · 21/10/2017 10:53

Didn't your daughter want to do the activity then?

AntiGrinch · 21/10/2017 10:53

Birdy, I think the thing is that you changed your mind. When your DH's shifts changed it was no longer convenient for you - so you moved the goalposts, not the other girl or her mother.

If the original plan had been accepted, you would have had to honour it. you could, like a PP said, tell the girls and even their mothers that they have to behave a certain way because your DH needs to sleep, but you would have had to have had them all over.

Basically you think one of the girls is a handful and you don't really want her over - so you shouldn't have invited her in the first place.

AntiGrinch · 21/10/2017 10:54

"Why don’t you text the mum. You were hasty. Apologise. Explain why you refused - ie your dhs sleeping. Thank her for thinking of your dd and friend. And take her up on the offer and let her dd stay on the proviso everyone is quiet the next morning... perhaps you could take them out for a wander around the local market, car boot etc. But odds on they’ll just be chilling on their phones or in front of the Tv if they didn’t sleep much. "

Yes, do this. It's important to be on good terms with the parents of your daughters' friends - who knows what the future holds! Keep as much communication as you can open with everyone - your children, your children's friends, your children's friends' parents

DrPill · 21/10/2017 10:55

I'm sure that suggesting the other activity was the other mother's polite way of saying that her DD is now free. Why couldn't she just be included as per the original invitation?

diddl · 21/10/2017 11:00

"that's what I intended to do before DH was working at night "

Yes I know.

I just think if the other girl can now come why not let her?