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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleepover hijack attempt

88 replies

BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 10:03

I'm a bit annoyed this morning and just wondering if IBU

DD (12) has 2 really good friends. They've done a few sleepovers at the other girls houses and I'd tried to arrange one for tonight with both girls coming - reluctantly as 3 would be a real squash in DD's room. I've had one of the friends a few times and she is fine as they go to sleep at a decent time etc but not the other.

Anyway turned out the other girl couldn't come anyway due to other plans so just DD and the girl who'd been before.

So I got a text from the other girls mum this morning saying that their plans had changed and as her DD was "free to do as she pleased" did my DD, and her friend want to go to an activity with her DD tonight - paid activity in another town so they'd be away for 3 hours.

I said no as if they'd gone then I would have felt obliged to have other girl for tea and a sleepover after all. Since the plans were made DH had his shift changed to night shift so will be sleeping tomorrow morning so 3 would just be too noisy.

Also a bit miffed that she didn't just say to her DD that the plans were made now - we have another date in for her to come for a sleepover. And surely if you know that kids are having a sleepover at one house you don't then try to arrange something extra on the day just because your DD is suddenly free.

I think the other mum is p'd off with me as she just texted back "never mind".

I'm really not good with last minute changes of plan so it might just be me ......

And I feel bad that the girl who is coming will have wanted to go as the only plans we have for tonight are watching Strictly ......

OP posts:
AntiGrinch · 21/10/2017 11:56

" if it had been 3 and DH's shifts had changed I would have cancelled "

to me, this is the bit that makes you U. You say you don't like plans changing - you mean you don't like others changing plans, because you think it is ok to extend an invitation and then revoke it when it becomes less convenient. I wouldn't do that; I might regret having made the invitation but once it's done you have to make it work.

I get that this isn't quite the same because the girl originally declined, but still, had she not, you would have cancelled. I wouldn't have. I do know people who behave like this, who treat all plans as provisional right up to the wire, but I don't like it, and I don't do it myself. I think really hard in the beginning about whether something is going to work for me or not, yes; but when it's arranged, it's arranged.

I don't think it is the case that you aren't good with plans changing. You are fine with plans changing if you change them; you aren't good with being inconvenienced at all, which is not the same thing.

Glamorousglitter · 21/10/2017 11:58

I think you re being unfair and inflexible

LemonysSnicket · 21/10/2017 12:03

OP - 12yo’s organising themselves is not deciding a plan and then telling the parents. It’s talking to their friends , deciding they want to do something and then asking their parent if it’s okay/can they go/would they be willing to take you. If no then the plans are not made, of yes then the plans go ahead.

StepAwayFromCake · 21/10/2017 12:06

I would have said to dd:

Possible change of plan, you can either have sleepover with X here, or go out with X and Y there, but not both. You choose.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 21/10/2017 12:17

The restaurant analogy is not even an analogy. It's not even similar at all so I'm not going to answer that

I think it's interesting that you don't like having plans changed but are happy to change other's plans at short notice. Not very fair and makes me think there's a bit of a lack of insight here.

Viviennemary · 21/10/2017 12:19

It was rude and thoughtless to muscle in on your plans and change things to suit her. Somebody I know would have just said oh lovely you have everyone for sleepover and tea. And if not then no sorry You made arrangements and your DH changed shifts and then yet again sabotage and putting you on the spot when you tried to make plans.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/10/2017 12:23

I love the way you cherry picked responses to show how reasonable you’re being and ignored moderate suggestions.... such as mine, which costs bugger all.

I also love how you said in your original post you felt sorry for the friend, who is coming as they’ve just got strictly planned and now suddenly they desperately want to watch it, not go out.

You asked if you’re being unreasonable and have the arse when most people tell you you are. Confused

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/10/2017 12:25

And yes, you can change. You’re deciding not to. Dh and I are late 40’s and we can change.

Original poster
BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 12:25

Goblin - would love to know where I said I'd be happy to change someone else's plans at short notice - DH's shift was changed over a week ago (about a week after the sleepover was arranged) so I would have cancelled then - with a week's notice. That is totally different to expecting me to change my plans at 12 hours notice. But to clarify - I don't like plans changing at short notice. Better?

OP posts:
Original poster
BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 12:28

Sorry mummy I just replied to a few of them - wasn't about to answer every single suggestion.

And I've already said that I accept that pretty much everyone thinks I'm unreasonable. And I'm fine with that - but as I said it doesn't mean I have to agree with them.

Happy that you can change - not so easy for everyone.

OP posts:
hamburgler · 21/10/2017 12:31

I don't know why the OP is being given a hard time here. If the OP feels her home is only big enough for a 2-person sleepover and that a 3-person sleepover would be too crowded and disruptive (and agree that three 12-year-olds has a higher capacity for being noisy than two) then that is her right. It's very bizarre to think a 12-year-old should arrange for people to spend the night at her parents' house without any input from them!

If the daughter was planning on seeing one friend then having her back for a sleepover, the news that another friend was planning to join in (who would then need to be send home from the later part of the activities planned) would be very awkward.

The OP could have handled it slightly differently in terms of telling the daughter to make clear the rule for sleepovers is one only, but she has every right to set limits on how many people sleep in her home.

BonjourMeDarlin · 21/10/2017 12:33

Sleepovers are a big thing throughout teenage years.
Teenagers can pretty much sleep on anything and in the tiniest spaces with no duvet Confused
We often wake up to check on our teenagers and there’s lots of them there all squished in one bed.
They just stay in their one room and look at their phones for hours. It’s easy to look after them.

BonjourMeDarlin · 21/10/2017 12:34

I know you said your daughters 12 but it won’t be long and she will be a teenager Smile

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/10/2017 12:36

There's going to be a lot of sleepovers OP as your DD heads into her teen years. When they get to the party stage you'll have various mates turning up wanting to stay last minute. Get those curtains up in the lounge and use that for sleepovers if her room is too small.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/10/2017 12:38

I prefer that as at least you know where they are and I've had some very interesting chats with lovely teens at breakfast.

GirlcalledJames · 21/10/2017 12:43

Hang up blankets over the window in the front room for the night.
If you have a tent, put it up in the living room and let them sleep in it.
Tell the girls that if the guests make noise so that your husband can't sleep, that you will have to call their parents to pick them up.

Mintychoc1 · 21/10/2017 12:49

I hate sleepovers so there's no way I'd have a last minute addition. My suggestion would have been to ask DD what she wanted to do. If she was keen on doing the evening activity, I would have agreed, but only in the basis that friend 3 didn't actually sleep over, so it was still just the original friend the all night.
If your DD preferred the idea of staying in and watching strictly then it's a no brainer.

People who try to change plans at the last minute have to accept that sometimes their suggestions may be declined.

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 21/10/2017 12:54

You sound lovely OP.

TheGoodWife16 · 21/10/2017 12:57

I struggle with short notice changes to plans too, albeit it’s part and parcel of life with a teenager to some extent.

But, as your DD and her pal were both up for a night of Strictly and seem happy not to attend whatever this activity was, I think you can rest assured you’ve done the right thing.

Totally understand. Not everyone can cope with upheaval to their home life, even if it is just a simple sleepover, because they’re often anything but relaxing for the host parent(s).

VeganCow · 21/10/2017 12:58

I agree with you OP especially now you add in the working night shift and needing to sleep in the morning. I also would have said no.

diddl · 21/10/2017 13:05

The crux is that you didn't want two to stay over in the first place so perhaps were relieved when one couldn't make it?

Was your daughter bothered initially?

I think if the mother had just phoned to say that her daughter was available after all & did the invitation still stand then that would have not muddied it so much.

Kentnurse2015 · 21/10/2017 13:14

Ear plugs for the night shift worker?! I work nights. Life carries on!

Justoneme · 21/10/2017 13:21

I don't understand why you are fussing to be frank; you have decided what is going to happen and now you are looking for people to have the same view of yours. A reasonable person would see the other mother is trying to ensure her child doesn't miss out; maybe the child was upset to learn they weren't able to attend? Who knows the back story there.

diddl · 21/10/2017 13:23

"especially now you add in the working night shift and needing to sleep in the morning."

In which case why not cancel completely?

Original poster
BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 13:25

Justoneme I haven't said anywhere that I expect people to have the same view as me - in several posts I've said that I accept that most people have a different view and think IABU.

I wasn't planning to change my mind based on the view of a group of strangers just wondered what other people thought. I know that now and appreciate people taking the time to comment.

OP posts:
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