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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleepover hijack attempt

88 replies

BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 10:03

I'm a bit annoyed this morning and just wondering if IBU

DD (12) has 2 really good friends. They've done a few sleepovers at the other girls houses and I'd tried to arrange one for tonight with both girls coming - reluctantly as 3 would be a real squash in DD's room. I've had one of the friends a few times and she is fine as they go to sleep at a decent time etc but not the other.

Anyway turned out the other girl couldn't come anyway due to other plans so just DD and the girl who'd been before.

So I got a text from the other girls mum this morning saying that their plans had changed and as her DD was "free to do as she pleased" did my DD, and her friend want to go to an activity with her DD tonight - paid activity in another town so they'd be away for 3 hours.

I said no as if they'd gone then I would have felt obliged to have other girl for tea and a sleepover after all. Since the plans were made DH had his shift changed to night shift so will be sleeping tomorrow morning so 3 would just be too noisy.

Also a bit miffed that she didn't just say to her DD that the plans were made now - we have another date in for her to come for a sleepover. And surely if you know that kids are having a sleepover at one house you don't then try to arrange something extra on the day just because your DD is suddenly free.

I think the other mum is p'd off with me as she just texted back "never mind".

I'm really not good with last minute changes of plan so it might just be me ......

And I feel bad that the girl who is coming will have wanted to go as the only plans we have for tonight are watching Strictly ......

OP posts:
diddl · 21/10/2017 11:04

"I'm sure that suggesting the other activity was the other mother's polite way of saying that her DD is now free."

Yes & a sort of apology for messing about.

I'd be really pleased for my daughter that both could now come as she had originally wanted.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/10/2017 11:05

I would just let the third girl come for the sleepover. By letting them off with that dm you are confusing the original girls dps. Keep everyone on side. Girls at that age need friends and dms need to stick close together.
But l wouldn't let them all off with other dm. That is too much change.

TheGoodWife16 · 21/10/2017 11:06

If both girls had been attending the sleepover as originally planned and your OH’s shift had been changed, would you have revoked the invitation for the noisier of the two guests?

Would your daughter have wanted to participate in the activity?

PuppyMonkey · 21/10/2017 11:07

I also think you should have said ok to the mum. Oh well, maybe still time to change your mind?

Don't agree at all with notion that girls of 12 should be arranging their own sleepovers etc and informing you what's happening. Nope, not happening sorry. Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/10/2017 11:09

Puppy
Isn’t it more the idea of kids wanting to organise stuff and asking if their parents can oblige? IE negotiating and navigating towards independence.

Textpectation · 21/10/2017 11:15

I think the activity was an attempt at procuring a sleepover invitation.

I might have done as a pp advised and offered to change plans on the strict instruction that they went to sleep and were quiet in the morning due to your dh's shift pattern.

I can see where you are coming from though. I don't like plans changing last minute. The logistics of an extra person don't really work with what's going on/the size of your dad's bedroom, etc.

Textpectation · 21/10/2017 11:16

My 10 year old can have friends over and have them to stay the night. Well he can ask, it needs to fit in with everyone else though, I don't always say yes. Asking in front of friends means I always say no.

didnthappeninmyday · 21/10/2017 11:18

It’s a pain when people say that can’t come and then they can, but I would let the 3rd girl come, imagine if it was round the other way and your dd was missing out because you’d originally said she couldn’t go.

Tell them they need to be up and out the house early because of DH sleeping, take them for breakfast and then drop them off at home. I’ve had sleepovers where the kids have had to leave at 7am on a Sunday because they’ve got an event like horse riding to go to. The fun is in the sleepover not in hanging around in the morning. Also if they’re awake half the night like mine are it’s good for them to go home and sleep.

You’ll feel better for it if let the girl come, honest 😊

SouthWestmom · 21/10/2017 11:19

Can’t they all sleep downstairs? If the girl wasn’t free and now is plus a bonus activity I think you’re being a bit precious.

MrsOverTheRoad · 21/10/2017 11:19

OP yes of course parents need to be involved when it's activities such as the cinema or whatever...but this wasn't originally an activity. It was a sleepover and you got sore because one girl dropped out.

Don't be so involved. They need to sort themselves out.

The times my DD"s dropped out of sleepovers because she's suddenly felt a bit sick or her period's begun..her mates are the same.

You need to back off a bit. They're not 8.

Jux · 21/10/2017 11:22

My dd would ask if she could have X and Y for a sleepover. DH and I would tell her what nights were OK and which weren’t, then she’d arrange it directly with her friends.

Thereks a world of difference between telling and consulting.

kittensinmydinner1 · 21/10/2017 11:25

Agree with others. You need to back off the micro managing at this age. Who is coming (I’ll say sleep over fine but three only). Beyond that I simply facilitate with transport if required and supper. All the rest, who’s coming, making up beds. Evening activity is up to them. If other mother wants to offer another evening activity jump at it ! Again the only part I would play is the paying.

Hand this over to your daughter. The DH sleeping is a red herring. 3 x 12yr olds on a sleepover makes little difference to 2

Boulshired · 21/10/2017 11:37

Childhood friendships of 3 are going to be difficult and it is important that one of the children does not feel left out. It is common for the child who feels sidelined to exclude the child who they feel is a threat to their status in the group leading to a tug of war effect. The children can create this themselves never mind the added inclusion of parents.

LetsSplashMummy · 21/10/2017 11:37

I think it was strange to just say no to the activity straight away. You should either have asked the girls if they wanted to do it or explained your DHs shift change (it sounds great but I don't think we can do a sleepover after it now, shift change...). It looks like you just said no with no explanation or involving the girls. I think her text was an apology for messing you about and your answer looks like you are a bit sulky. This is the joy of texting. If the other mum is a friend you could call her and explain and maybe sort something out that doesn't mean her DD is left out completely.

PuppyMonkey · 21/10/2017 11:42

Nope - if a kid is staying at my house, I'm checking it's ok with a parent first. Happy with my choices.

Original poster
BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 11:45

Wow - went out for a bit and certainly didn't expect this volume of response.

To answer some of the questions. if it had been 3 and DH's shifts had changed I would have cancelled as I've no idea what this other girl is like to have on a sleepover (but I know she is an early riser).

They can't sleep in the living room as we have no curtains up yet for winter (don't ask).

If my Dd had been in the other girls position and our plans had changed I wouldn't have done anything. I would have said their plans are made and you are going for a sleepover in a few weeks.

I agree with pp who suggested that the invite was an attempt to procure a reinvitation for the sleepover.

DD was like - well, it's not really fair of her to do that and Dfriend and I really want to watch strictly (I know, sad but whatever).

I would also have had to change plans for tea to eat earlier as they'd have had to leave at the time we eat to get to activity (and I know that's inflexible but as I said I really don't deal well with changes to plans). Oh, and I should just let a 12 year old make all of her own plans and just go along with what she wants as well.

Oh, and I'm not about to pay for 5 people to have breakfast out just to accommodate someone else's change of plan

So to summarise I'm overinvested, overinvolved, precious, overcomplicated and micromanaging, oh yes and mean. I get it.

BTW thanks vicques and textpectation- at least someone else has a bit of the same view

Just wondering though what people would think if it was adults. a, b and c are friends. a invites b and c for dinner. c can't come but b can. a and b make plans, buy food (enough for 2) etc. a says that b can stay as it's just her and she has one spare bed. on the day c phones and says my plans have changed - lets all go to a restaurant for dinner. Would everyone be saying yes let's and then let c go home?

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 21/10/2017 11:48

So you don't think you're unreasonable, so whats the problem?

diddl · 21/10/2017 11:48

What time does your husband get in?

Perhaps all three girls could sleep in your bedroom?

Myheartbelongsto · 21/10/2017 11:49

What was the activity, would it have tired them out?

Original poster
BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 11:50

There isn't one - I get that other people think I am unreasonable which is kind of the point of AIBU ......

Doesn't mean I have to agree with them - makes me realise how different I am from lots of people in how I think though which is interesting to me.

OP posts:
Tinty · 21/10/2017 11:51

I think what happened was, you invited both girls for a sleepover with your DD, knowing that it would be a bit of a pain because one girl doesn't go to sleep early enough and when her DM said she couldn't come you were relieved. But now her DM's plans have changed you are back to the original scenario, thinking you need to invite friend 3 for the sleepover as the other girl is sleeping over after.

Can you let them go to the activity (hopefully it will tire them out). Then let them sleep in your lounge with the proviso that if they are noisy after say 11.00 - 12.00, one of them (non sleeping friend), will have to go up to DD's room to sleep. Then in the morning they could watch tv, play on phones etc quietly.

It would be a lovely start to half term for them. Also they are old enough for the 'no more sleepovers' threat if they make too much noise.

I have five coming for a sleepover tonight, they go to school together but live in a 20 mile radius, and it is easier to do one, five girl sleepover each holiday than five separate sleepovers and they all have a whale of a time.

AngryBurds · 21/10/2017 11:52

yeah but you are overcomplicating it: whats so difficult about eating earlier etc?

Original poster
BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 11:52

tinty - end of half term here.

wow - 5 - there is no way I'd be able to do that.

Already said lounge not an option as we have no curtains.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/10/2017 11:54

Oops, missed your update.

Well if the girls didn't want to do the activity then that's that.

If daughter still wanted her at the sleepover though I would have probably re invited.

"Would everyone be saying yes let's and then let c go home?"

Probably if it was that or not see them.

Original poster
BirdyBedtime · 21/10/2017 11:54

AngryBurds - I know - I am inflexible - I know that. It's part of who I am and at my age I can't just change that. But as I said it's interesting that pretty much everyone else thinks differently to me.

So thanks everyone for your comments but I think I've got my answer.

OP posts:
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