Sleepover hijack attempt

[BirdyBedtime]

I'm a bit annoyed this morning and just wondering if IBU

DD (12) has 2 really good friends. They've done a few sleepovers at the other girls houses and I'd tried to arrange one for tonight with both girls coming - reluctantly as 3 would be a real squash in DD's room. I've had one of the friends a few times and she is fine as they go to sleep at a decent time etc but not the other.

Anyway turned out the other girl couldn't come anyway due to other plans so just DD and the girl who'd been before.

So I got a text from the other girls mum this morning saying that their plans had changed and as her DD was "free to do as she pleased" did my DD, and her friend want to go to an activity with her DD tonight - paid activity in another town so they'd be away for 3 hours.

I said no as if they'd gone then I would have felt obliged to have other girl for tea and a sleepover after all. Since the plans were made DH had his shift changed to night shift so will be sleeping tomorrow morning so 3 would just be too noisy.

Also a bit miffed that she didn't just say to her DD that the plans were made now - we have another date in for her to come for a sleepover. And surely if you know that kids are having a sleepover at one house you don't then try to arrange something extra on the day just because your DD is suddenly free.

I think the other mum is p'd off with me as she just texted back "never mind".

I'm really not good with last minute changes of plan so it might just be me ......

And I feel bad that the girl who is coming will have wanted to go as the only plans we have for tonight are watching Strictly ......

The thing is, there's a 12 year old girl, who is part of a set of 3 friends who is now upset that she's being excluded from the sleepover. The reasons why/the change of plans/ the details are all irrelevant really, to the 12 year old, she's sitting at home alone, while her two besties have fun without her, and that's it, really.

Her mother suggested an activity for all three of them, presumably to soften the blow for her, and to have her included in at least some of the fun plans over the weekend. I'm really shocked that you couldn't see that, and just let your daughter go. Because it would have been a kind thing to do for a 12 year old who is feeling left out.

It would absolutely be a nice thing to allow the third child to be included in the sleepover - because she's a 12 year old, and it's horrible to be excluded.

Do you really not have the ability to see this from the POV of the excluded little girl? Do you have no empathy? Would you really be happy if it was your DD who was left out, sitting at home, whilst the other two were off having fun together. I'm not surprised that the other mother was a bit ticked off - she gave you an easy opportunity to include her daughter - and you've chosen to deliberately exclude her instead.

My prediction is that it's likely that there will be a lot of plans/sleepovers coming up for the two other girls, but with your daughter not invited in the future.

I'm not very good with last minute changes of plan, but bless my family, friends etc they know what I am like.

Mrsm43s exactly this!

mrsm43s you said exactly what I was thinking (but better). I would say that I can’t believe you would leave a 12 year old girl out but from the attitude of your posts I don’t think you give a shit.

You said that you would cancel the sleepover at short notice if your husband subsequently found out he was on a nightshift

That would have been at short notice?

Friend 3 may only know that the other 2 don't want to do the new activity. Sleepover wasn't back on. I think it's ok to ask, if it's ok to say no. It's not convenient this time.

I don't think sleepovers go well with shift work.

Since you are worrying so much about DH, have you asked him his opinion on this? I know my DH would be fine with it, as a one off, even if he did have to sleep. Also this girl may well be very quiet...you won't know until you give her a chance

Yabu. I really don't see why there is so much angst about arranging children's social lives once they get to 9/10 and are capable of deciding themselves, let alone when they get to secondary age. Or all this forward planning, most sleepovers are arranged the day before or even on the day.

I expect dd to ask me before she invites people to stay, or to ask if I'm going to come home from work to hordes of teens, or to check before she makes plans involving extra money or lifts, but otherwise I leave her to it.

I also don't expect her social life to fit round my sleep routine. Almost always when friends stay in the holidays I'll be going to sleep to the sound of wide awake teens, and on occasions get back up for work to find them still awake. It's really not an issue, you just ask them to keep it down.

But to clarify - I don't like plans changing at short notice. Better?

I love your assertiveness - don't lose it!

I think you're right - this was a sleepover-hijack attempt.
That alone would piss me right off - how about just straight out asking nicely?

I think there was more behind it.
Her words her DD was "free to do as she pleased and then arranging the other event - she's making her own dd the 'focus' of the evening.
All rather queen-beeish isn't it?
Shame she's using her own child like this.

Well the girls have decided - they want to stay in and want it to be just them - you're not wrong to facilitate that.
Are they being 'selfish/inflexible'? No.

Even if the girls had wanted her there, you would be within your rights to not allow that.
You know what dynamic works best right now.....you don't need the stress of another
You're the one left with the responsibility of making sure everyone's needs/desires are met - so you have every right to do it the way that works best for you.

I understand that the activity was an attempt at re-instating the invite. I also appreciate the DM didn't want her dd to feel left out. She was aware that they other two girls had plans and wanted to change them. They don't want to change and want to stick to what's been arranged. No big deal.

For every more the merrier types there's a less is more. No one here arranges overnight visitors without agreement. I don't and neither does DH, even though we really like each others friends. Doesn't matter if the dc are 12 or 23, overnight guests are by appointment only. We may feel differently when bfs/gfs are involved but we are a few years off that.

I do get where you are coming from OP, but the other mum isn't to know about your DH's change of shift / lack of space etc....

As far as the other mum knows there was an invitation for 2 to sleep over, her DD initially couldn't make it but plans changed and she has just gone back to your original plan? It's not as if you cancelled or postponed the other girl?

Not sure if the activity was a nice gesture / a way of showing they know they have messed you about / the plans the 3rd child had that fell through and they needed replacements?

I don’t understand why a couple of things are such a big deal.
I’ve got 9 upstairs at the moment all staying for a sleep over. And no I don’t live in a mansion just a three bed house. They’re a bit squeaky at times but if it gets too raucous I’ll go and shout. If it gets really raucous DH will go and shout. I don’t get involved with the details. DD tells them to bring lilos or sleeping mats. She has a double bed fits three, rest on floor. She has to sort duvets.
My contribution is to answer the door, make the right noises to parents dropping off. Cook 4 large pizza .
End of involvement. Now settled on sofa having a snuggle with DH and MNetting.. everyone happy.
Just don’t get involved OP. One sleepover for 9 means one slightly disrupted night but 9 return invites !