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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell SAHM not to send nanny + sibling to the party?

137 replies

discorules · 21/10/2017 09:24

For the past 2 years at my daughters 6 year old and 7 year old birthday parties (approx 20 kids each time), one mother has rsvp'ed for her daughter and then on the day sent her nanny to stay for the whole party along with a toddler (was 2yo then 3yo). Both times I have swallowed it, handed the nanny a glass of champagne, scrambled an extra chair at the party table and party bag for the sibling, and never mentioned my "surprise" to the mother. I do think it is extremely bad manners though.
This year, I am determined that this will not happen; I'm over being reasonable, and we now have a bigger class so we have to invite 24 kids!
My thinking goes like this; the girls are now 8 and don't need a nanny at the party. I feel like this mother has used my daughter's birthday party as a convenient activity for the younger sibling for the past 2 parties. I'd never met the nanny or the sibling prior to the 6 yo party, so there's no social connection and unlikely to be one.
By way of background...
I would count the mother as an acquaintance, not a friend, and her daughter as a classmate of my daughters but not a particularly close friendship. I'm actually fine with some of the friendly mums who come along with a sibling (they flag it in advance), they help out a bit and they socialise with the other mums. I have a big problem with a SAHM (inherited big $$$ - jealous!) who sends her kids off with the nanny on Saturday afternoons (no idea what she's doing instead but it must be important) and whilst the mother is welcome to come and have a glass of wine whilst the kids are entertained, she chooses not too (I'll admit there's some social rejection "hurt" in there...I'm clearly not worth her time to hang out with!). I don't want to socialise with her nanny or cater for a surprise sibling this year. How do I say something to stop it happening a third time without seeming rude? Plus, there's always a random chance that some time in the future her daughter could become my daughters best friend, so no need to cause WWIII. AIBU? TIA!

OP posts:

Melony6 · 21/10/2017 13:56

Hmmm must be a lot of boring parties going on if 2, 3, 4 year olds are able to join in.

reallybadidea · 21/10/2017 14:05

I think that has to be one of the most honest OPs I've ever read and I rather like you for it

pigeondujour · 21/10/2017 14:19

You'd swear these kids were born of immaculate bloody conception.

I have a big problem with a SAHM (inherited big $$$ - jealous!) who sends her kids off with the nanny on Saturday afternoons (no idea what she's doing instead but it must be important) and whilst the mother is welcome to come and have a glass of wine whilst the kids are entertained, she chooses not too (I'll admit there's some social rejection "hurt" in there...I'm clearly not worth her time to hang out with!)

This is not refreshing honesty as some have said. It's misogynistic in the extreme and an extremely unpleasant attitude that I guarantee she'll be picking up on. Absolutely none of your business why their family might need childcare on a Saturday afternoon (at which time her being a SAHM is totally irrelevant anyway). You have "a big problem" with that?! I can't think why she might want to delegate socialising with you.

HolyShet · 21/10/2017 14:26

I always hand out booze at kids parties at my house. Numbs the pain for us all. (Champagne not so much but it has been known as DDs birthday just after Christmas, and its sometimes left over)

I get what you are saying - it's kind of rude to send the Nanny with other charges/siblings. 8 year olds don't need supervision and unless you and the parent or carer are mates, drop and run is the order of the day.

All your sweeping assumptions about her snubbing you bit unkind- maybe she's working or doing good deeds or whatever. And the Nanny might be a nicer person?

Hebenon · 21/10/2017 14:35

Personally, I would ask one or two of your actual friends to come and give you a hand (or drink wine, whichever) and stick "Drop off at 3pm and collect at 5pm - sorry we have no space for siblings" on the invitation. Fine to offer a glass of wine or cup of tea to anyone who turns up slightly early to collect, too.

TheVoiceOfTreason · 21/10/2017 14:53

I think this other Mum is pretty rude tbh. Not wanting to come herself is fine, the invite is for her kid not her, and you've said yourself you're not really friends with her. Expecting to be able to palm off her other child on to you without raising it first is rude though. Trouble is, now it's happened twice, unchallenged by you, there's almost an implied acceptance of it. I'd echo what others have said - just word the invite in such a way that it's clear that the party is only for those invited. It's your child's birthday and so it should be just your child's friends, not a crèche for others!

Good luck, hope it all resolves.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 21/10/2017 17:36

Thanks for your feedback Disco. Hope the party goes well. Let us know....

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 21/10/2017 20:40

My old boss would go to the parties of kids who's parents she wanted to social climb at and the ones she felt weren't worthy enough she'd send me.

Chestervase1 · 24/10/2017 10:15

Hahaha! I love those social climbers. She would be amazed at the amount of “ordinary” people who gave A list friends and relatives.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/10/2017 10:22

It's also a bit of a mundanes thing to be unable to socialise with people who are 'not like you' eg 'servants' and/or anyone much older or younger than you. (This is not at all the same as keeping your distance from someone who is rude or aggressive, obviously).

Ttbb · 24/10/2017 10:26

Does it really matter though? The nanny is presumably taking care of the younger child so who cares? I think you may be being overly emotional and reading too much into things. If I had a nanny to send along instead I definitely would. Not because I think I am too good to spend time with other parents mind you, but rather because I really don't like children's parties and would only go to make sure that my DC didn't miss out.

TheVoiceOfTreason · 24/10/2017 19:31

@ttbb - surely the point is that no parents/nannies actually needed to be there in the first place because the younger sibling wasn't actually invited or wanted? If it had been just the invited child, then as they would have been joining in with the main party, no need for either the Mum or the nanny to be there. It's only because the cheeky parent decided to use the opportunity to have an afternoon free of BOTH children, including the invited one and the non-invited one, that the nanny is there at all.....

I still think it's cheeky, personally....

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