AIBU to tell SAHM not to send nanny + sibling to the party?

[discorules]

For the past 2 years at my daughters 6 year old and 7 year old birthday parties (approx 20 kids each time), one mother has rsvp'ed for her daughter and then on the day sent her nanny to stay for the whole party along with a toddler (was 2yo then 3yo). Both times I have swallowed it, handed the nanny a glass of champagne, scrambled an extra chair at the party table and party bag for the sibling, and never mentioned my "surprise" to the mother. I do think it is extremely bad manners though.
This year, I am determined that this will not happen; I'm over being reasonable, and we now have a bigger class so we have to invite 24 kids!
My thinking goes like this; the girls are now 8 and don't need a nanny at the party. I feel like this mother has used my daughter's birthday party as a convenient activity for the younger sibling for the past 2 parties. I'd never met the nanny or the sibling prior to the 6 yo party, so there's no social connection and unlikely to be one.
By way of background...
I would count the mother as an acquaintance, not a friend, and her daughter as a classmate of my daughters but not a particularly close friendship. I'm actually fine with some of the friendly mums who come along with a sibling (they flag it in advance), they help out a bit and they socialise with the other mums. I have a big problem with a SAHM (inherited big $$$ - jealous!) who sends her kids off with the nanny on Saturday afternoons (no idea what she's doing instead but it must be important) and whilst the mother is welcome to come and have a glass of wine whilst the kids are entertained, she chooses not too (I'll admit there's some social rejection "hurt" in there...I'm clearly not worth her time to hang out with!). I don't want to socialise with her nanny or cater for a surprise sibling this year. How do I say something to stop it happening a third time without seeming rude? Plus, there's always a random chance that some time in the future her daughter could become my daughters best friend, so no need to cause WWIII. AIBU? TIA!

"If I could afford to send someone else to take my kids to birthday parties I absolutely bloody would."

Me too!

Keepingup if your DD is 5 soon, she’ll be in Reception, right?

When DS1 was in Reception it was the norm at the parties we went to for the parents to stay. DS1 is in Y1 now, and while it’s still early in the year, almost all parents have again stayed at the parties so far.

I hate kids birthday party’s I can’t think of anything worse tbh so I don’t blame her on the nanny front although bringing the sibling is off. At 8 even at 7 kids should be able to dropped off and parents come back not to be expected to stay.

You sound really unpleasant and snobby.

Yes - it is rude to send an uninvited sibling along to a party and expect it to be ok without checking first.

No - it isn't rude for her to send invited child along with the nanny. The child's mother is not obliged to come along and socialise with you and the other mums for the duration of the party. Perhaps she hates kids parties, perhaps it's her idea of hell. Perhaps you're not the only one who gossips about how she has acquired her wealth and she feels judged by you all and doesn't want to socialise with you but doesn't want to stop her child from attending the party so sends the nanny.

No - you would not be unreasonable if you thanked the nanny for dropping child off and said see you at whatever take for collection rather than inviting her in.

Yes - you are being unreasonable for looking down your nose at the nanny coming in place of the mum as it seems you consider the nanny inferior so she doesn't deserve the same hospitality as the other mums. I bet the nanny picks up on this.

Her £££, how she has inherited it and chooses to spend it is none of your business and makes you send very jealous .

I still can’t get over the champagne. The most I’ve ever been offered at a child’s birthday party is a cup of tea and leftover party food.

If you don’t want the nanny staying with the younger sibling then I’d write something like “siblings only by prior arrangement” on the invite. I wouldn’t put “no siblings” or “drop off and don’t stay” unless you’re saying that to everyone.

Given you’ve said other siblings (and parents) have stayed before, the nanny may genuinely have thought you didn’t mind her staying with the sibling.
And I’m also wondering whether the unexpected sibling would have been a problem if it’d been the mum rather than the nanny who’d stayed.

Maybe the nanny thinks she's supposed to stay? She sees parents there (with siblings) and gets handed champagne after all.

She might have intended to leave and felt guilty. The mother might not know.

I definitely wouldn't just assume this was rude (unless there's something I don't know). It's most likely a misunderstanding.

OP you annoyance isn't so much that the Nanny comes to the party but that the mother (your so-called friend) doesn't.
You can clearly afford to provide food and a party bag for the sibling so stop being a diva!

""If I could afford to send someone else to take my kids to birthday parties I absolutely bloody would."

Me too!"

What I meant to add was-unless I wanted to stay & be with the parents-then I'd obviously take y kids myself.

Possibly Keepingupwiththejonesys , the trick in this situation though is not to give a shit (lets face it someone somewhere would judge you for leaving them).

DD would cling to me until very late on, I put her mental health before caring about being judged, it turns out that she has sever anxiety. To look on though you would just see a very clingy and difficult child and a mother who couldn't let go. So yes I expect that I have be judged in bucket loads!

Oh dear. You shouldn't have mentioned the champagne! There's no need for all the angst, just write no siblings on the invitation and on the day tell the nanny to come back later. That's it.

'been' judged.

Why is alcohol part of a child's party? Misses point of thread altogether tbf...

It's supposed to be about the child, surely?

Wow...I feel sorry for this poor woman. You sound really judgey. You have zero clue how she got her money. A friend of mine got rich because she lost both her parents. She was devastated and everyday full of sadness that her kids never got to hang out with grandparents. It could be something like that. You don't know. How awful of you to be jealous of an inheritance. Also, you don't know this woman. She may suffer from social anxiety brought on by the bereavement...she may simply be unable to function in a crowded kids party environment. Not all of us are social climbing, outgoing, super mums. Reign your snobby super Mum head in. Bit weird to be having whole class parties at age 8. The only people who do that here are desperado climber mothers and braggers. Don't blame her for sending the nanny. I wouldn't hang out with you either. You sound hard work and jealousy is never a good colour on anyone. How about spending your time cultivating kindness and compassion rather than focusing on all this other weird, 1st world problem shit you are at the moment. Grow up love.

Just to add that I've been the Nanny in this situation and it's HIDEOUS. Attending a child's party (particularly at a private house) surrounded by parents is painful, whilst most people wouldn't admit it, the Nanny is second class in these events and no one will talk to you properly. Chances are you don't regularly see the parents outside of the events as Mon-Fri they have their own childcare arrangements.
FWIW I don't think the OP is being a snob here.

Also, I'm surprised so many people are scoffing at champagne at kids parties, it's not that unusual.
One of the horrors I was forced to attend gave out iPads as party favours... Crazy

Sorry I couldn’t get past the champagne casually mentioned (at a kid’s party?)
The rest is just first world bollocks. What you need is a real problem.

MrsKeats, the OP is downgrading to wine for this party

and whilst the mother is welcome to come and have a glass of wine whilst the kids are entertained, she chooses not too

I don't think the OP sounds like a snob. I think she just sounds desperate.

I think the only thing the mum has done wrong is not ask if the younger sibling can attend. If other parents stay then you can’t kick out a nanny!

Put in the invitation to all children, ‘sorry, but no space for siblings’ and something about limited space for parents stay.

Just send a note saying.

Although other adults stay and bring siblings along, I am jealous of you and think I'm too good to socialise with your nanny.
So please bring your child yourself and leave the sibling with your nanny.
That should do it.

Champagne for the mums at a kids party?

Just make it clear that it’s drop off/pick up only on the invitation. The nanny can go and do something else with the other kid.

WINE!!!??? The shame. No one be turning up then so problem solved.

OP - I have a big problem with people who can afford to have whole class parties and give champagne to the mums. I am usually supportive of people on here, but seriously.... just put 'no siblings' on the invitation and leave it at that.

Fucking hell.

Address the invitation to x and her dad?!

I always served alcohol at my kids' parties back in the drop-off days. It's pretty normal around here.

I can't understand why this arrangement has upset you, she's not rejected you but rather a child's party. They're really, really not fun unless you're good friends with the hosts, in which case they can be great fun.

I think she's perceived your jealousy/judgement and is giving you a wide berth.