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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell SAHM not to send nanny + sibling to the party?

137 replies

discorules · 21/10/2017 09:24

For the past 2 years at my daughters 6 year old and 7 year old birthday parties (approx 20 kids each time), one mother has rsvp'ed for her daughter and then on the day sent her nanny to stay for the whole party along with a toddler (was 2yo then 3yo). Both times I have swallowed it, handed the nanny a glass of champagne, scrambled an extra chair at the party table and party bag for the sibling, and never mentioned my "surprise" to the mother. I do think it is extremely bad manners though.
This year, I am determined that this will not happen; I'm over being reasonable, and we now have a bigger class so we have to invite 24 kids!
My thinking goes like this; the girls are now 8 and don't need a nanny at the party. I feel like this mother has used my daughter's birthday party as a convenient activity for the younger sibling for the past 2 parties. I'd never met the nanny or the sibling prior to the 6 yo party, so there's no social connection and unlikely to be one.
By way of background...
I would count the mother as an acquaintance, not a friend, and her daughter as a classmate of my daughters but not a particularly close friendship. I'm actually fine with some of the friendly mums who come along with a sibling (they flag it in advance), they help out a bit and they socialise with the other mums. I have a big problem with a SAHM (inherited big $$$ - jealous!) who sends her kids off with the nanny on Saturday afternoons (no idea what she's doing instead but it must be important) and whilst the mother is welcome to come and have a glass of wine whilst the kids are entertained, she chooses not too (I'll admit there's some social rejection "hurt" in there...I'm clearly not worth her time to hang out with!). I don't want to socialise with her nanny or cater for a surprise sibling this year. How do I say something to stop it happening a third time without seeming rude? Plus, there's always a random chance that some time in the future her daughter could become my daughters best friend, so no need to cause WWIII. AIBU? TIA!

OP posts:
KatherinaMinola · 21/10/2017 10:14

And why is the OP weird for not wanting to socialise with the nanny?

Confused Well...

It does sound snobby of you, OP. Tbf, it may be that the mother is snobby too - and that's why she doesn't want to socialize with you. Or it may be any number of other reasons - perhaps she wants to rest while her children are entertained at a party and then spend quality time with them later. Perhaps she has health issues or other problems which you have no idea about.

I don't care who the chaperone for party guests is - and some children would prefer one (or the parents might, if they don't know you well).

I agree that it's not ideal to bring a sibling along without notice.

BelleandBeast · 21/10/2017 10:14

This would piss me off too, so just make it clear on the invite and when they turn up.

And yeah, I'd judge the mother too.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 21/10/2017 10:15

The OP doesn't want a drop and run party though- she lays on champagne etc for the parents.

DS goes to a country prep school and this is a standard model for parties. Village hall (or own house for those with NT type properties). Entertainer. Expensive alcohol and food for parents. There is a lot of social posturing and 'oh daaahling lovely party.. well done you' involved.

I think the real problem here is that the OP feels slighted by the loaded mummy. It's just a school gates issue moved to a semi-rural village hall.

TheGoodWife16 · 21/10/2017 10:16

Everything else aside, it’s quite unpleasant not to want to socialise with the nanny simply because she’s a paid carer of these children and has been despatched in the mother’s absence. How do you think she must feel?

diddl · 21/10/2017 10:17

aybe the mother doesn't want to socialise with Op?

PissedOffNeighbour · 21/10/2017 10:17

If someone handed me a glass of champagne I would probably want to stay!

eddielizzard · 21/10/2017 10:18

since you don't mind other siblings coming along, i think you have to tackle it at the time of the party. so when the nanny comes to drop off older dc and looks like staying i'd say something like 'oh unfortunately i can't cater for unexpected guests this year, i just don't have enough. see you at 4pm.' all said with a smile and gently ushering her to the door.

diddl · 21/10/2017 10:20

If you don't want the sibling to stay that's one thing, if you don't want the nanny to stay when other adults are allowed to then that's another.

gamerwidow · 21/10/2017 10:21

I don’t think the problem is the nanny per se it’s bringing an extra sibling that’s the problem. At 8 I would expect the parents to drop and run anyway. If parents were expected to stay I wouldn’t care if it was the nanny or a parent as long as someone was helping with the dc.

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2017 10:22

The OP doesn't want people to dump and run - hence the champagne.

She wants to use her daughter's birthday party as a way to socialise with the other parents (well, mothers to be precise).

This is why she's got the raving hump that the mother is sending the hired help.

So all this mother is 'guilty' of, is not wanting to hang out at a kid's party and make small talk with the OP.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 21/10/2017 10:24

That's what I was trying to say Worra Grin

daisypond · 21/10/2017 10:25

How can there be any time for socialising with parents or nannies at a children's party? Running games and activities for children is time-consuming and a bit stressful if you're not used to it.

Si1verst0rm · 21/10/2017 10:25

OP, firstly I think it's odd that, at age 8, any parents / nannies stay at all. I often invite mums nannies in for some cake and champagne at pick up if they're not in a rush, but that's it.

I've been a SAHM for years and never felt the need for a nanny as well, however, many people do. If this woman's nanny works Saturdays, she is probably live-in, so in those circumstances, you would get them to take the kids to parties. Otherwise you would be paying the nanny to sit at home! This is the very reason I never bothered having "help" - it always seemed like too much hassle to find them something to do all the time!

The mother should not presume to send the younger sibling along, however. Are you sure she actually knows the nanny stays at the party? Maybe it's miscommunication or the nanny isn't sure what she should do. Does she also do this at other parties?

I have had experiences where some mothers have sent their nannies with the kids on playdates at our house, etc. It can be a bit like hard work having them there if they are say, 22 years old and their English is not great. In those cases, I might just tell them to go shopping or something and come back later. On the other hand, there are many nannies who have become good friends over the years - my DC get confused and think they are the mum in some cases!

expatinscotland · 21/10/2017 10:25

Grow a spine! You should have just turned them away at the door the first time, 'Sorry, no siblings and it's drop off/pick off.' Job done. Just go with one of the suggestions given to state no siblings and pick up/drop off.

Imsorrynow · 21/10/2017 10:26

If the nanny has come on two previous occasions and seen other parents with siblings, how is she to know she’s excluded from - what appears to be - a friendly, casual party?

lookingbeyond40 · 21/10/2017 10:26

The mind boggles that you are getting all in a spin about this woman. Yes, a heads up would be nice but honestly, is it worth all this bitterness for the sake of one party bag?

Focus on what’s important, your childs party, not all this nonsense. Sorry if this sounds blunt but it’s really not worth the stress!

Anecdoche · 21/10/2017 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 21/10/2017 10:28

If it's no siblings then tell the mother.

If whoever drops off is welcome to stay I don't think that you can ask the nanny to leave just because you want to be friends with the mother.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 21/10/2017 10:29

There will be an entertainer daisy. All OP has to do is make sure the Waitrose party platters get shared out equally down the table. During which time her Lovely 'friends' can demonstrate their allegiance to her school gate clique by helping out.

I have been to MANY of these gigs. Hmm

LonginesPrime · 21/10/2017 10:29

Does the mother even know that the nanny & sibling stay even though you don't want them to?

That’s a good point - I can’t imagine the mother says ‘oh, and make sure you muscle in on the party and have my little one join in with everything’.

The conversation the first year probably went:

Mother: So what did you do with little Rodney while the party was on?

Nanny: Oh, we stayed there too.

Mother: Really, was OP ok with that?

Nanny: Oh yes, she even offered me champagne and rustled up a party bag out of the leftover bits for Rodney.

Mother: Ah, that was kind, how lovely of her!

Nanny: Yes, she’s very friendly!

ElizabethDarcey · 21/10/2017 10:30

You don't mind parents staying, because you offer champagne and you've admitted other mums stay. You just don't want her to stay because she's a paid nanny.

You don't mind other children attending as long as they let you know in advance because other siblings have stayed, and that is a valid concern. Just say to the mum, 'Will whoever brings X also be bringing Y again this year? I just want to make sure I've got enough party bags'.

I can see that the nanny has turned up at the party and seen other parents/carers staying and other siblings joining in so I don't thinks he has done anything wrong, and ultimately you just don't like it because a) She's not your class, dahling and b) You're jealous that the mum has money and put out that she doesn't want to spend time with you.

If I could afford to send someone else to take my kids to birthday parties I absolutely bloody would. Tedious business (and in my set there's not even champagne, just tea and leftover wotsits, if you're lucky).

LucieLucie · 21/10/2017 10:31

Be direct from the outset op.

Write across the top of each invite “Drop and run only - no room for extra adults or siblings thank you”.

Again at the party venue - big notice on the door “Welcome to discorulesdd party - drop off only. Enjoy the 2 hours peace see you for 3pm!”

I think you’d have to make same rule for every care giver though, you can’t just exclude the nanny.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 21/10/2017 10:33

Slightly off topic here but just wondering. Am I going to be judged for staying with dd1 at parties. She's 5 soon and I'm not at the stage of leaving her at parties/letting her go to a friends alone etc. I have personal reasons for this but never actually thought it was an issue tbh. I don't bring her siblings though unless its been agreed they're coming

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 21/10/2017 10:35

Just to add I've always included in the RSVP that I'll be there too. Most parents are still there at the parties dd has had this year so not been an issue but I worry now it will be soon

NamedyChangedy · 21/10/2017 10:40

Perhaps she's picked up on your jealousy and doesn't want to spend time with you. That, combined with your attitude towards the nanny makes it sound like you wouldn't be a barrel of laughs. The main thing is that the child who was invited was able to come. I doubt your child cares either way. This could be a good opportunity to question your motives, and practice being a better person.