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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell SAHM not to send nanny + sibling to the party?

137 replies

discorules · 21/10/2017 09:24

For the past 2 years at my daughters 6 year old and 7 year old birthday parties (approx 20 kids each time), one mother has rsvp'ed for her daughter and then on the day sent her nanny to stay for the whole party along with a toddler (was 2yo then 3yo). Both times I have swallowed it, handed the nanny a glass of champagne, scrambled an extra chair at the party table and party bag for the sibling, and never mentioned my "surprise" to the mother. I do think it is extremely bad manners though.
This year, I am determined that this will not happen; I'm over being reasonable, and we now have a bigger class so we have to invite 24 kids!
My thinking goes like this; the girls are now 8 and don't need a nanny at the party. I feel like this mother has used my daughter's birthday party as a convenient activity for the younger sibling for the past 2 parties. I'd never met the nanny or the sibling prior to the 6 yo party, so there's no social connection and unlikely to be one.
By way of background...
I would count the mother as an acquaintance, not a friend, and her daughter as a classmate of my daughters but not a particularly close friendship. I'm actually fine with some of the friendly mums who come along with a sibling (they flag it in advance), they help out a bit and they socialise with the other mums. I have a big problem with a SAHM (inherited big $$$ - jealous!) who sends her kids off with the nanny on Saturday afternoons (no idea what she's doing instead but it must be important) and whilst the mother is welcome to come and have a glass of wine whilst the kids are entertained, she chooses not too (I'll admit there's some social rejection "hurt" in there...I'm clearly not worth her time to hang out with!). I don't want to socialise with her nanny or cater for a surprise sibling this year. How do I say something to stop it happening a third time without seeming rude? Plus, there's always a random chance that some time in the future her daughter could become my daughters best friend, so no need to cause WWIII. AIBU? TIA!

OP posts:
HadronCollider · 21/10/2017 09:53

Well I do think she could make an effort to at least turn up with her daughter, have a chat, hows are yous etc. Yeah it does come off like you are a bit of a convenient baby sitter. I wouldn't allow the sibling either. In fact I'd consider not inviting at all. However you do sound snobby towards the nanny.

DrPill · 21/10/2017 09:54

Is this an issue about extra party guests, which is fair enough, or about the nanny being sent? If I had a nanny, I'd definitely get her/him to take the kids to parties since it wouldn't be time they would be spending with me anyway.

TheVanguardSix · 21/10/2017 09:54

You need to get a hold of your envy. It'll ruin your sense of well-being.

There is no problem here. Why are you creating one? Because you're jealous.

So the nanny turns up with the sibling. Big deal. Get a grip.

Lethaldrizzle · 21/10/2017 09:54

It does sound a bit odd sending a nanny at the weekend!

RabbitSaysWoof · 21/10/2017 09:55

Laceup me too, only I was the nanny. I have two lovely friendships eight years on from a nannying job I have long forgotten because our paths crossed so much at that time.

LonginesPrime · 21/10/2017 09:55

I feel like this mother has used my daughter's birthday party as a convenient activity for the younger sibling for the past 2 parties

It’s once a year!

I agree with wording the invitation carefully, (you could even say ‘sorry, no siblings’ on hers) and I don’t think you’re under any obligation to give the sibling a party bag.

However, it’s not fair to blame the nanny for what you see as the mother’s failings in not attending a birthday party you don’t want parents at anyway. And it seems you’re letting your hostility towards the mother cloud your judgement and blow this whole thing wildly out of proportion.

sunandmoonshine · 21/10/2017 09:57

I don't see how or why the OP is 'jealous' and even if it is a bit petty and the nanny is doing no harm, it's the OP's home, and she has every right to not allow this woman to stay. As she said, they don't need a chaperone at 8 years old. No need for spiteful comments like 'I wouldn't want to hang with you either,' and 'you sound snobby!'

Have some people got out of bed the wrong side or something? Confused Bet you people don't speak to people like this in real life. Hmm

And as for saying that the parents can send who they like with the child. WTF? No they can't, not if only the CHILD is invited. Entitled much?!

And why is the OP weird for not wanting to socialise with the nanny? Why the fuck should she? She has enough on her plate hosting the party. FFS. And what a bloody cheek sending the sibling too! Some people have got more front that Blackpool! Hmm

Ignore the bitchy comments @discorules Your home, your rules.

As @shadow666 said

Word the invitation carefully. Sorry, no space for siblings and drop of at 3pm/pick up at 5pm. That sort of thing. Then if the nanny and sibling turn up just say thanks for dropping her off, see you at 5pm.

I would also add in (somewhere) 'only invited children to come to party please, because too many turning up will pose a problem, as we won't have enough room, and it may cause a health and safety issue, and the party may have to be cancelled.' Something like that. As I said YOUR home, YOUR rules.

WhatwouldAryado · 21/10/2017 09:57

You Don't want to socialise with the nanny.? Do you disapprove of her work? Or are you just a run of the mill snob?

NataliaOsipova · 21/10/2017 10:01

I feel like this mother has used my daughter's birthday party as a convenient activity for the younger sibling for the past 2 parties

Thinking about it? She probably has. She's probably seen that other people take younger siblings and has assumed it's okay to do so. And she's probably thought "Great. Nanny can take the kids there and I'll have a couple of hours to do x or y rather than hang around at a kids' party." So - yes - she is deliberately choosing not to spend time with you and the other mothers, but she probably hasn't thought about it explicitly or in those terms. Don't worry about it. Just ask for the child to be dropped off if you don't want the same this year; presumably it's easy enough for the nanny to take the younger child to the park or for a hot chocolate somewhere for a couple of hours. No big deal.

HouseworkIsAPain · 21/10/2017 10:01

Just write sorry no siblings on her invite. Don’t go into a massive amount of detail because it’s quite clear that you’ve been over thinking it if you do!

SleepFreeZone · 21/10/2017 10:01

The op has said that she thinks the mother is seeing the party as a convenient activity for the younger sibling. So the Benny is not really staying for the 8 year old, it's pretty much a cheap day out for the 6 year old.

I'd just put 'no siblings' on the invite and hope the nanny isn't too offended when you pack her off

sunandmoonshine · 21/10/2017 10:02

Do the Mothers of 8 year olds stay at the parties? shock Dump and run from about 5-6 here!

Of course they don't @MrsOverTheRoad It just sounds like the (entitled) mother of the child and their sibling, who is also the 'employer' of the nanny, is trying to get rid of her kids AND the nanny for a few hours. From some of the comments on here, it sounds like a few others do this kind of thing too, seeing as they think it's totally acceptable, and the OP is being 'unreasonable.'

No normal person would think an 8 year old would need a bloody chaperone at a child's party FFS!

Lethaldrizzle · 21/10/2017 10:03

I would rather socialise with the mums to be honest because you are forging longer relationships. Having said that I will natter to anyone but I would probs judge the mum just a little for sending a nanny on a Saturday

strugglingtodomybest · 21/10/2017 10:03

I would have sympathy and say that the mum/nanny is taking the piss by bringing a sibling, but then you said that other mum's do too, but it's only this one that you have a problem with, and that the problem isn't with the sibling, it's because they've been brought by the nanny not the mum.

To me, it comes across that you are hurt to have been 'snubbed' by this other mum and so are lashing out by saying you no longer want the nanny and sibling at the party.

Whilst you have every right not to want them there, after all, the sibling wasn't invited, your reasons make you look emotionally immature.

So you need to either ban all extra siblings or leave it.

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2017 10:03

Reading between the lines, it sounds as though you're a bit of a social climber OP, and that's why you don't want to see the nanny?

and whilst the mother is welcome to come and have a glass of wine whilst the kids are entertained, she chooses not too (I'll admit there's some social rejection "hurt" in there...I'm clearly not worth her time to hang out with!).

Plus, there's always a random chance that some time in the future her daughter could become my daughters best friend, so no need to cause WWIII. AIBU? TIA!

I think that ^^ is what you're desperately hoping for - that your DD will become best friends with this woman's daughter and that's why you don't want to see the nanny.

She's not the Duchess of Cambridge. Please stop trying to use your child to climb some sort of social ladder.

MummyMuppet2x2 · 21/10/2017 10:03

Who decided that the invited child's sibling would attend the party? The parent, or the nanny?
I can't help wondering if the nanny sees it as an easy way to entertain the younger sibling.... Hmm

sunandmoonshine · 21/10/2017 10:04

Why is the OP a SNOB or JEALOUS for not wanting to socialise with the nanny? Confused

Why SHOULD she?

She is not HER nanny, and she is not HER friend.

Some responses on this thread are utterly ridiculous.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 21/10/2017 10:04

I wouldn't write "no siblings" but something along "siblings only by prior arrangement please" (you can "due to organisational constraints" if you need an excuse).

Ecureuil · 21/10/2017 10:05

*Why is the OP a SNOB or JEALOUS for not wanting to socialise with the nanny? confused

Why SHOULD she?

She is not HER nanny, and she is not HER friend.

Some responses on this thread are utterly ridiculous*

I think it’s the fact that she said she’d happily spend time with the mother (who is also not her friend) but not the nanny.

Textpectation · 21/10/2017 10:05

Dump and run here too from 6.

It's rude to turn up with an uninvited guests/sibling to a party.

I kind of see where you're coming from about the mum sending someone else and not joining in with your combined get-together. I wouldn't either tbh, regardless of whom the invitation was from.
Fair play for being so forthright about your envy. Nanny situation isn't your business.

Vagndidit · 21/10/2017 10:06

Nannies, champagne at kid parties and primary school classes of "over" 23. Oh, how the other half live! Is this a stealth boast, Op?

strugglingtodomybest · 21/10/2017 10:07

Why is the OP a SNOB or JEALOUS for not wanting to socialise with the nanny?

Snob: because she said she's happy to socialise with the mum but not the nanny.

Jealous: because she admitted she's jealous in her OP.

diddl · 21/10/2017 10:07

Does the mother even know that the nanny & sibling stay even though you don't want them to?

I'd be expecting her to drop & run, but if she decided to stay & I heard nothing, I'd think that you were OK with it.

If the kids aren't friends-drop the class parties & just have daughter's friends in future?

TeachesOfPeaches · 21/10/2017 10:12

Do all the other parents stay OP? I'm assuming so because you have champagne to hand.

If they do then I can see why the nanny does.

SimultaneousEquation · 21/10/2017 10:13

How about a note on this child’s invitation: ** is looking forward to a party designed for all her seven- and eight-year old friends, so she’d prefer to celebrate with her close-knit group this year, rather than with younger siblings tagging along. There’s no problem with party guests being dropped off and picked up, rather than having a parent stay at the party: most of our guests last year were unaccompanied.