To go against DH and labour how I want?

[ListenToYourself]

DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.

He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.

It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.

I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.

I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.

But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.

I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.

He just feels too anxious about it.

Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?

I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to

Another one echoing what's been said upthread that the whole idea of anyone being "in control" of a birth is a benign myth fed to women by health visitors and midwives. Very few people feel "in control" when labour is underway, even with a good birth. I understand why people want women to feel they have as much autonomy as possible. But autonomy over your birth choices is not the same as being in control and I think it does women a lot of damage when they have horrendous births and realise they were fed a load of bollocks beforehand about this. You won't feel in control. You will be very lucky if your birthing plan is even adhered to. Even safe birth is very unpredictable.

Generally I would say it should be your choice but I also think given the likely wait time for an ambulance you should err on the side of caution so I'm afraid I'm with your DH on this. I understand why being at home is more appealing, but don't take the risk.

it's your first and you don't know how you labour. Some women just labour much better than others (that's what the midwife told me) and your hospital is half an hour away. TBH, I would not do it. if you need help quickly (and believe me, things can change on the blink of an eye when it comes to birth), then such a long ride may be too long.

your husband will not be in labour but it is not just your health at stake should things go wrong but also your child's.

Do you have a midwife led birthing centre nearby? our hospital has one just one floor above the normal delivery ward. would this be an option for you?

Can I ask why you're so against a hospital birth? Sorry if you've addressed this - I have read all your posts OP but not everyone else's.

Personally I think a home birth when you're half an hour away from a hospital is dangerous. I wouldn't have done it. I can understand why your husband is reluctant to accept your reasoning as his reasons are just as valid.

Have you gone round your local MLU at all? I had a medicalised first birth but my second was text book and easy start to finish. I had one midwife, she looked after me and baby when he was born. We were in a single occupancy room - although only from 9-5 as I was discharged about six hours after he was born. I laboured in my own bath for three-ish hours until I went in.

My hospital was only 30 minutes away, on the night I went into labour with my first the whole motorway was closed due to an accident and we had crawl up the hard shoulder until we found a policeman who then escorted us off the motorway and through some back lanes so we could get there!!

I wanted a drug-free home birth with my first, and DH supported me. In the event, stuck baby resulted in monstrously traumatic whistles-and-bells hospital birth (still have flashbacks 20 years on). However, I am still glad I tried.

Don't be too scared by stories of ambulances taking forever etc. As soon as it became clear that there might be a problem with my home birth, the midwives had an ambulance on standby, and had primed the hospital - so it wasn't a case of summoning one at the last minute. Hospital was about three miles from home; it normally takes about 45 mins in rush hour (which, of course, it was), but we got there in about ten minutes with flashing blue lights, and went straight into the Delivery Suite. This won't be everyone's experience - but it was mine. The care post-birth was atrocious, but the emergency care was faultless, as were the midwives who attended me at home.

I had a home birth but it was my 3rd child with a good history. They dont normally allow it with the 1st child. But if thats what you want and midwife is happy then go ahead. Very stress free and you get 2 midwives to yourself!

Op I have not read thread. I am very very much of the mind your body your birth, however because it's your very first, you have no idea what to expect, no one can describe the pain to you until you feel it, I would say birthing center.
My own mw said to me when I was considering one said when they go right they aee amazing but when they go wrong, the really go wrong.

The problem is baby's birth is the most dangerous day of his life. What about your baby. 30 mins is a very long time when things go wrong. If you have seen any one born every minute, how quickly that buzzer gets pressed in emergency and they dash to theatre, that's all in one hospital.

I had a good labour and water pool available to me, I could not physically walk to it or move to it.
It's a big mistake to make if something goes wrong. I would compromise this time and for your second when you know your pain levels and what to expect.

Not being goady but if there is such a shortage of midwives on the wards- and on a 1:4 where do the ones who can provide the 2:1 wait to be called out?

At home, they are community midwives on call. I had to ring mine and she met me at the hospital from Her home.

^^ same here.

I've had two crash sections under GA. Low risk pregnancies both times. I'm glad I was in hospital when everything started to go horribly wrong, both times the children were born in less than 20 minutes. Had I been at home there would have been a 10 min wait for ambulance, a 25 minute drive and then the 20 min that section took. I would opt for hospital each time.

Er....ambulance on standby might have worked 20 years ago. There are about 20 million more people in the UK now.

I’m totally in agreement that it is your body and choice, but I do agree with your husband too.

I wanted a home birth with my DD but my DF persuaded me not to. I am incredibly glad I listened to him. I had to be induced as I was overdue, so was on labour ward but as a result of my DD being huge (over 11lb!) I had an emergency c-section.

Had I been at home, neither me nor my DD would be here. No-one should tell you what to do, but please do listen to those who say the risks are very real, and having emergency medical care right there is absolutely critical. I don’t want to sound in any way pretentious and patronising but you would seriously regret it if you insisted on a home birth and something went very wrong.

It is ultimately your choice, OP.

I am pretty much with your DH though. Two of my three DDs wouldn't be here now if I hadn't been in hospital for their births. I possibly wouldn't be either.

Things can turn on a sixpence during childbirth. You really can't tell which way it is likely go, and especially with a first baby.

I don't quite get why your DH is so anti water birth even if it is in hospital where all facilities are available. That is where I really don't think he gets the say. He also shouldn't just be shutting down discussion. It could be fear based, I don't know.

it is your choice ultimately, isn’t it. here is my experience: i was very keen on the idea of a home birth, and very keen to avoid hospital (FTM). i read the orgasmic birth, I’m pretty woo when it comes to biology. my partner wasn’t keen but i wasn’t listening to him, MW supportive. in the end i went to hospital because i just wasn’t organised enough pretty much. i had a really straightforward drug free, natural labour and delivery. however i did have an episiotomy and my baby’s cord was wrapped around his next twice. nobody batted an eyelid about these two hiccups because i was in hospital.. doctors arrived and dealt with everything right then and there and my baby was fine. after my baby was born i breathed a sigh of relief. i wasn’t prepared for how powerfully i felt about my baby, and on reflection i felt that my desire for a home birth was actually quite selfish and arrogant and I’m so glad i didn’t do it. being casual about my baby’s delivery would have been foolish and belt and braces are appropriate. my labour was fast and scary... being blue lighted for an episiotomy or because of his cord would have been terrifying. and I’m like 6 min from hospital. if i have another baby one day i’ll happily go back to hospital. even staying on the post natal ward was fine, didn’t want to do that either did I! it was fine. all you will have in your head is your baby.. whatever is going on around you.. well i can’t even remember! the whole experience was surreal and amazing and I’m glad i didn’t have to worry about anything other than my baby!

I am all for home births and very much feel its your body therefore your choice. However, its his baby too so do feel his feelings should be taken into consideration but final say is yours!!

By the way, I didn't have water births. I've nothing against the idea of them though, and it is all personal choice.

Oh, and the very idea that ambulances are on standby for a home birth is laughable. They barely have enough emergency vehicles to cope with the day to day stuff as it is.

We live about a 40 minute drive from the hospital so similar distance to you. Not a risk I would have taken.

The point about birth being unpredictable is a very good one.

First baby, over two days of drawn-out labour, cascade of intervention, big head, episiotomy, ventouse.

Second baby, nice manageable contractions, assumed based on the first time that birth was miles off, went to hospital on the bus (!) and only because I had a monitoring appt as overdue, got there at 9cm, baby hoiked out by ventouse half an hour later with meconium-filled waters, distress and cord round his neck.

Third baby, induced as overdue and getting ever more so, nothing much happened for a few hours, then went from 2cm to birth in literally 20 min and she dropped out in the caul after a couple of pushes, leaving the doctor in shock. I'd just been asked to move to another labour room as someone else wanted the pool in mine (and they didn't think I was ready for it!). I just about got into that other room and she was nearly born on the floor as I pretty much collapsed by the side of the bed and was heaved onto it by dh and doctor.

I couldn't have foreseen any of those outcomes.

I found dh sobbing two weeks before the birth of our child as I was due to give birth in a mil that was 10miles from nearest hospital with nicu access and theatres. He was so anxious and utterly terrified. I wanted him to be there so we moved birth to the hospital as I didn't want to worry about him while i was trying to labour. It was fine, got in birthing pool and butt was hauled straight back out as heart rate dipped too low.

We went mlu for the next as midwife had really good chat with both of us, took time to run through scenarios with dh and generally he felt much easier about it. He just felt so scared.

Your husband has a valid point. I wanted a water birth with my first. Unfortunately my labour was progressing too slowly and despite a pool being available I couldn't use it.

I wouldn't elect for a homebirth in case the pain gets too much and I needed an epidural.

It's your body, but it's also his child.

The choice is yours, although coming to a comprimise as a couple is good practice for all the future decisions youll be making together about parenting and your child. If you can avoid resenting each other by finding something youre both happy with that has to be the best option. Whatever choice you make please make sure you're fully aware of the facts. I saw upthread someone say 'if a homebirth goes wrong its still not the end of the world'...for some families actually it is.

Today be blunt we are talking about death here as a worse case scenario. So I would err on side of caution first time, do it your way second time.

I wanted a HB and my husband didn't. I respected his wishes as it's his baby too.

Things went very very wrong in my birth and my daughter had to be born within 9 minutes (NICE guidelines) my DH often uses this to illustrate that he was right.

However, there is NO WAY I would've been able to labour for that long at home. They would've had me transferred to hospital hours before the Emergency as midwives are extremely risk adverse in a homebirth situation

I believe this is why if you look at the stats, HB is very safe

OP I think you’re doing the right thing and it’s a good compromise. I considered a home north, would’ve really loved one, but ultimately couldn’t bring myself to take the risk. If I have more babies, I won’t even consider a home birth. My best friend had a very difficult birth earlier this year and she and her DS came very close to dying. If they’d been at home there is zero doubt they would have.

Grrr home birth obviously. Bloody typo.