to worry about going on this hen do?

[MissLuna]

Ok so this one is a two parter, haha!

My partner and I are both PhD students. My stipend ran out in february and our DD was due in May. As a PhD student with an expired stipend I am not entitled to maternity pay and so we are living off his £13,000 a year stipend. We're in a catch 22 situation as I am less likely to get a job until I finish the PhD but I can't go back to finish it unless we can get childcare, which after rent and bills we can't afford. So - we're struggling a bit for money, but we have a beautiful LG and we're happy enough, we don't need that much!

My best friend is getting married next summer and I am a bridesmaid. I think this is kind of the way these things go nowadays but she's asked us to choose (and buy) our own dresses - which would be fine, except all of the dresses I've sent her links to, she's said no to. Obviously its going on my credit card but I'd still rather not spend a lot of money on something I'm probably only going to wear once. Then there's the hen party. She told me she just wanted a night out in a UK city but told the other bridesmaids she wanted to go abroad for a weekend. I have two panics here - firstly, my daughter will be under a year at that stage, she is BF to sleep and she doesn't take a bottle. I know by that stage (she'll be 10 months) it could all change but my chest felt so tight at the thought of leaving her. My partner told me it'd be ok and she'd be fine and if I have to leave her, it may as well be for my best friends hen party. None of my friends have kids so they don't quite understand the worry; they think I should be excited to have a weekend away from her. AIBU to worry about going? I'm scared when I get back she will no longer want to bf.

Secondly - money. We will have to get a £150 train to the wedding, plus bridesmaids dress, wedding present, and then a weekend trip to an undisclosed European destination - AIBU to feel like this is a really big ask of two people on £13,000 a year? I know it's not personal - it's not their fault we live far away and have to get a prohibitively expensive train for example - but it will add up to the cost of us going on holiday as a family.

Ah, oopse, see now you are not going, good decision.

What's bride's colour choice?

Do you know Asos?

this one is so lovely I am sure you could wear it at other times

this is stunning for 40 quid

nice one but size 10 only

A bit confusing - EPSRC / ESRC guidelines state 6 months full pay for maternity plus suspension of studies for 12 months.

Can only guess your PhD isn't funded by one of the main bodies OP

I'm glad some people on here understand how a phd works. Also it's 13k tax free so outside of London it would be a squeeze but not impossible to live on. Trying to tutor or get some other high hourly rate work is a good idea and would also look good on your cvs.

Like others have said explain to your friend, hope she compromises on the dress, sack off the hen do, look out for train /coach deals for the wedding. I would see how you feel later about leaving the baby - things change a lot and you can't predict. At 8 months I don't need to pump often but DS still doesn't take a bottle, but is ok with solids in day at childminders.

Hope it works out and she is reasonable

Maybe I am old fashioned but I have never ever heard of a bridesmaid paying for her own dress? Am I wrong, is that weird? She is asking you a favour to be by her side and she can't buy your dress? Are you doing you're own hair and makeup too?

After many weddings and hens, I can tell you I will never again go abroad for either no matter who it is for. The costs just add up and we went to some wedding recently and like yourself it cost us our family holiday. If you are the only one with a baby though, they just will not get it. And you will go and not be able to partake fully because you have a small baby to mind, they still won't get it. So don't go anywhere that fecks up your own family time. They will get it, only when they have their own.

Just ask her for options on a dress she deems suitable. I still can't believe the bride is not buying the dresses. That is sooooo cheap.

Some very rude and envious people on here, MissLuna - I do hope you're ignoring them.
Glad some people have been helpful, and I'm also glad that you've decided to give the hen do a miss.
Also a good idea to get her to send you some ideas of what she does think is suitable for a bridesmaid dress and then get as cheap a version as possible. Are you in contact with any of the other bridesmaids? Have any of them got something "acceptable" yet?

Hi @RemainOptimistic it was ESRC funded but my funding ended 3 months before my baby was due and as such I was not entitled to any paid leave.

Pretty much the only scenario that you would not be entitled to benefits in your scenario is if you have savings in excess of £16k

Thanks again everyone for all your help and support! Some of the dresses and websites you've sent are amazing! And tips on buses etc, and breastfeeding. I'm very aware that my best friend will only get married once and so the hen night/wedding is a one off...but so is my daughter!! And I think that's the most important thing one day they'll all understand!

So actually you're in the writing up stage and have gone past your funded period. Not unusual!

It's a bit disingenuous to say you're still doing the PhD though. You're perfectly able and expected to work to fund the time needed to finish writing up. Obviously much more difficult not to mention financially crippling to do this with a baby if no free family childcare available.

I sympathise, conception has its own timing and isn't always tidy or convenient.

In your position I would prioritise writing up, even if it meant spending significant chunks of time away from baby. I mean this in the context of dedicating chunks of time over 2 weeks, day and night, and just getting it over with. Eat sleep breathe writing up. It will be brutal. But then it will be over and you can get on with your life!

Otherwise it will drag on for months and you'll be stuck, unable to enjoy being with your baby, hanging over you like a cloud. Not fun.

So it looks like you can't go on the hen do. I'm thinking if you also can't afford a bridesmaids dress (I'm sorry but I don't think you should get one from that £5 link someone suggested, it will be crap) then you probably should step down from being a bridesmaid and just prioritise being at the wedding. That is lots to spend on travel so if you explain to your friend that you're skint she will probably appreciate you spending a huge chunk of money on travel just to be there for her big day.

So your in your writhing up. Can you get that done while at home with the baby. All my friend rarely went into uni while writing up, they did it at home.

Let you friend know that you can't afford to attend the hen do.

Yes and as others gave said, step down from bridesmaid and enjoy being a guest.

@RemainOptimistic @Allthewaves I am ON MATERNITY LEAVE! With my 5 month old baby! I worked as a tutor up until having my baby - but it was casual work and entitles me to nothing. I handed in a first draft one week before she was born. I don't think it's remotely "disingenuous" to say I'm doing my PhD (I am. Writing it up is the hardest bloody part) and that I'm not entitled to maternity pay (I am not. And it's shite). I explained from the very beginning my funding was up, if you read my original post?! I really don't get why people are weirdly trying to "trip me up" or something over something like whether or not I'm a shirker or lying about what I'm entitled to. All I said was that my partner and I are living off his stipend while I care for our child, which is true!

Congrats on the baby OP.

It is hard row to hoe - but the £13,,000 tax free for other posters is ?£22,000 before tax? so you clearly are not being improvident.

Friend's DD got married recently and the 3 bridesmaids wore beautiful red wrap dresses from Dottie P's at £20 each and they looked elegant, attractive and suited the three shapes (a rare thing!) . I think they come in blue as well. Slightly surprised your friend is asking you to pay but giving you no idea of what she wants or price.

Agree on ditching the hen do with an explanation to the bride - she won't necessarily want to be constrained by your circumstances and would undoubtedly prefer to know sooner rather than later.