to worry about going on this hen do?

[MissLuna]

Ok so this one is a two parter, haha!

My partner and I are both PhD students. My stipend ran out in february and our DD was due in May. As a PhD student with an expired stipend I am not entitled to maternity pay and so we are living off his £13,000 a year stipend. We're in a catch 22 situation as I am less likely to get a job until I finish the PhD but I can't go back to finish it unless we can get childcare, which after rent and bills we can't afford. So - we're struggling a bit for money, but we have a beautiful LG and we're happy enough, we don't need that much!

My best friend is getting married next summer and I am a bridesmaid. I think this is kind of the way these things go nowadays but she's asked us to choose (and buy) our own dresses - which would be fine, except all of the dresses I've sent her links to, she's said no to. Obviously its going on my credit card but I'd still rather not spend a lot of money on something I'm probably only going to wear once. Then there's the hen party. She told me she just wanted a night out in a UK city but told the other bridesmaids she wanted to go abroad for a weekend. I have two panics here - firstly, my daughter will be under a year at that stage, she is BF to sleep and she doesn't take a bottle. I know by that stage (she'll be 10 months) it could all change but my chest felt so tight at the thought of leaving her. My partner told me it'd be ok and she'd be fine and if I have to leave her, it may as well be for my best friends hen party. None of my friends have kids so they don't quite understand the worry; they think I should be excited to have a weekend away from her. AIBU to worry about going? I'm scared when I get back she will no longer want to bf.

Secondly - money. We will have to get a £150 train to the wedding, plus bridesmaids dress, wedding present, and then a weekend trip to an undisclosed European destination - AIBU to feel like this is a really big ask of two people on £13,000 a year? I know it's not personal - it's not their fault we live far away and have to get a prohibitively expensive train for example - but it will add up to the cost of us going on holiday as a family.

There are some monumentally ignorant, envious posts on this thread. Apart from anything else, PhD stipends are tax free so represent a considerably larger (if still modest) salary than the original £13K might suggest. Congratulations on your daughter, OP - she is clearly much loved and wanted.

Re the wedding, I think you have to be realistic about this. You can't afford to be a bridesmaid, or at least your friend's expectations are making it unaffordable to you (because it's not normal to ask BMs to pay for their own dresses unless you are happy for them to wear one they already own, and it's certainly not OK to expect a European weekend away). If she is a good friend she will understand, even if she is disappointed. And if she doesn't understand then that is a real shame, but it's not your fault. You're not responsible for other people's reactions unless your own behaviour is unreasonable, which it isn't. It might, with hindsight, have been a good idea to discuss with her her financial expectations before accepting, given your circumstances - but money doesn't tend to be at the top of your mind when your friend invites you to be BM! I have been one 3 times, and was never asked to incur any serious cost other than the cost of travelling to the wedding itself.

Crack on OP, I'm sure your knowledge of architectural history will set the world ablaze some day.

Wow. Bitterness. Such an attractive, pleasant trait.

Wow, lots of bitter comments on this thread! I had 2 babies while doing my PhD and got maternity leave (but not in the UK). I am shocked that you get nothing OP!

Is that a thing these days? Having to buy your own bridesmaids dress? I have been a bridesmaid 3 times, but never paid for the dresses, which of course, were never worn again. It seems to me that weddings are getting ridiculous, with expensive hen do's, and demanding brides.
Anyway, op, I would just go as a guest and bow out of everything else. You will still have a lovely time, you're not missing any of the fun, and you will have that happy feeling of not having spent beyond your means, instead of dreading the thump of the credit card bill on the doormat.

Tell bride to send over some ideas of what she likes as she doesn't like what you have picked. Then find a cheaper version.

If your partner (husband?) works can he claim working tax credit? I know DH did before we cohabited. If you're marroee apply for married peoples allowance on your (his) tax. Can your partner put in a claim for family tax credits in his name?

Maybe I'm lucky in that I have good friends, but I would just be honest with her that I couldn't do an overseas hen party due to money issues and the baby, and if she's not a total bitch, she would understand and be fine with it.

I believe that you should just withdraw being bridesmaid. It doesn't sound like the bride is making it a reasonable undertaking. Congrats on your little one

I didn’t BF mine from 4 months. I still wouldn’t have left my 10-month old for 2 nights - I would have been too worried about him missing me to leave him.

Any true friend would understand that you’re cash strapped and that baby will come first. I would talk to her and say you will struggle to do a hen night abroad (but offer to go for drinks locally) and that you can’t find dresses within your budget, would she like you to be a guest rather than bridesmaid?

I think you sound like you're doing an amazing job in a really tricky situation and I'm also shocked you aren't entitled to any help at all.
In terms of the hen do, you've has lots of good advice re just being honest with her - I really hope she understands.
If by some miracle you do end up being able to go, breastfeeding could go either way tbh. I've had one bottle refuser so I had to turn down one of my best friends hen dos when he was 9 months. The other was happy to take a bottle and I went on a hen do to Barcelona for 3 nights when she was 11 months with no problems. She went right back on the boob after. Money wise I wouldn't be surprised if I spent £800 on the Barca trip!

I'd pull out of the hen tbh, you're in a precarious situation financially and I don't think it's a fab idea to put what is essentially a holiday on the CC at this point.

Re the wedding, look into getting a friends and family railcard. They're £30 and you would have to buy a ticket for the baby but it would get 30% off tickets for you and your DP and 60% off her ticket; it's always been well worth it for us, with DS going to London for a couple of pounds once and me getting a very reduced ticket. You'd make the cost of the railcard back on that one journey I bet.

Railcard is a great idea. You can also get a Two Together railcard, which is £30 and gives you 1/3 off both adult fares. For a £150 journey it would pay for itself and give you a discount on the trip (plus you can use it for the rest of the year afterwards).

I think it is a bit harsh to call the Bride a bridezilla (not the Op but a PP).

The Bride isn't aware of OP's finances and it has become the usual thing to do to go away for a weekend as usually it can actually work out cheaper than going away in the UK. DH went on a stag do in Prague amazingly cheaply.

She is your friend. Explain to her you cannot afford to go on the hen do but would like her to come round for a meal sometime to celebrate with her separately.

Explain that you are struggling to find address that matches both her expectations and your budget. Explain your budget and ask whether perhaps she could have a look on the internet to see if there is anything that does match both and if so, could she send you the link.

She is a good enough friend to want you to be her bridesmaid - if she truly is then she will understand and not want you to be feeling like this.

Please speak to her.

• a dress not address!!

MissLuna, you don't have to defend your choices!

Ignore people like that.

Sorry, that was answering a previous post that I thought was the final one. annoying you can't 'quote' a post!

I'd miss the hen party and ask your friend for some suggestions on the dress, explaining your budget.

Is there any scope for you tutoring part time? Maybe when your OH is home with baby?

I wok part time on a self employed basis when my husband is home (mostly evenings and weekends) and it's working well for us.

Good luck OP!

Money aside, I couldn't have left my 10 month old. I know it's right for some families but no one should judge you for not being ready, especially if it's abroad and you can't just drive home if needed.

As for the money, weddings are expensive to attend and I'm sure your friend will understand that for someone who has kids and not on a high income, you need to prioritise. Just explain the situation to her, that you're not trying to get sympathy or anything, but getting into debt for someone else's wedding is unwise, especially when you don't know when you'll start earning again. If you can't make it to the hen do, offer to treat her and her fiance to a nice lunch so you can celebrate that way. Let her know you're really excited for her but you just can't afford to take part in some of the wedding activities. If she's a good friend, she'll understand.

AQA are desperate for A level History examiners - I got an email the other day and I don't even teach History! You could make a grand next summer doing exam marking online from home.

I wouldn't do the hen in these circs.

I definitely think you need to miss the hen do, but look into megabus for getting to the wedding, they are crazily cheap! They have limited choice of times and may not go from where you live, but if you just get the train to the nearest pick up point it could save you a fortune. Also for a dress, there are charity shops that specialise in bridesmaid/ball gowns as most people only wear them once, so would be worth finding out if there's one near you? And good luck with the PhD!

Just wanted to say more generally good luck for the future OP. A PhD is a massive achievement and it will all come good! Enjoy your little one.

OP have you put your fogures into the online benefits calculator as if you were back doibg the phd and were usong official childcare? You may find that this will show you as being entitled to financial help?

How can it be that someone else's wedding will cost you up to £1000

That's just 5O shades of wrong

I don't know But I think you need to talk to her about this

Anyone who can't understand is reallly an aresehole

I didn’t go on my best friends hen because I was breast feeding. I got a lot of stick for it at the time but it is what it is. I arranged a meal the week before and just pushed it out my mind. I wasn’t prepared to stop feeding and I was stressing so much.
Good luck x

Op - make sure you double and triple check about not getting UC, it's such a mess that even those who are meant to be advising on it don't actually know properly who is and isn't eligible!

MisslUna "she's asked us to choose (and buy) our own dresses" That's not normal, if you are a bridesmaid she should but your dress.

I'd decided what you want to do, and what you can afford to do. In your shoes I'd probably plump for a not too pricey dress, or rent one, be bridesmaid but use baby and lack of money for not going on hen do, where ever it is. I did not leave my baby overnight for a long, long time. My choice. If this is your choice, stick by it.