to worry about going on this hen do?

[MissLuna]

Ok so this one is a two parter, haha!

My partner and I are both PhD students. My stipend ran out in february and our DD was due in May. As a PhD student with an expired stipend I am not entitled to maternity pay and so we are living off his £13,000 a year stipend. We're in a catch 22 situation as I am less likely to get a job until I finish the PhD but I can't go back to finish it unless we can get childcare, which after rent and bills we can't afford. So - we're struggling a bit for money, but we have a beautiful LG and we're happy enough, we don't need that much!

My best friend is getting married next summer and I am a bridesmaid. I think this is kind of the way these things go nowadays but she's asked us to choose (and buy) our own dresses - which would be fine, except all of the dresses I've sent her links to, she's said no to. Obviously its going on my credit card but I'd still rather not spend a lot of money on something I'm probably only going to wear once. Then there's the hen party. She told me she just wanted a night out in a UK city but told the other bridesmaids she wanted to go abroad for a weekend. I have two panics here - firstly, my daughter will be under a year at that stage, she is BF to sleep and she doesn't take a bottle. I know by that stage (she'll be 10 months) it could all change but my chest felt so tight at the thought of leaving her. My partner told me it'd be ok and she'd be fine and if I have to leave her, it may as well be for my best friends hen party. None of my friends have kids so they don't quite understand the worry; they think I should be excited to have a weekend away from her. AIBU to worry about going? I'm scared when I get back she will no longer want to bf.

Secondly - money. We will have to get a £150 train to the wedding, plus bridesmaids dress, wedding present, and then a weekend trip to an undisclosed European destination - AIBU to feel like this is a really big ask of two people on £13,000 a year? I know it's not personal - it's not their fault we live far away and have to get a prohibitively expensive train for example - but it will add up to the cost of us going on holiday as a family.

Just say sorry, but you really can't afford the hen do. There's no shame in that. If the bride gets sniffy or sulky about it, she's not the sort of friend you need.
If more people just came out and said it, maybe the trend for expensive
shindigs away would wane a bit.

@fruitcorner123 , no it's not the Tories fault she decided to get pregnant while not being financially stable. I'm guessing as the OP is studying for a PHD she would have been aware of this fact.

If you can't afford it you can't afford it.

Sit her down and say "look, money is super tight - there are three of us living on £13k. I can not pay for a weekend away for a hen do. I can not afford more than £[50] for a dress. I know doing these things means a lot to you, and I'm not trying to guilt trip you, I just want to make the situation clear. If you don't want me to be BM anymore and choose someone who can be more involved with the hen do and pay more for a dress, I totally understand. Love you so much and don't want to disappoint you or have bad feeling between us so thought it would be better to talk about this now rather than later down the line"

uokhunni- your posts on this thread are horrible, self-centred, and unsupportive and you just don't know what you are talking about. You clearly don't understand PhDs or the university career system, which now requires so many years of precarity in so many disciplines that it would basically make it impossible for the OP to have kids at all if she sat around and waited for a permanent contract. Note that she wouldn't be poor all of that time, in fact, in a couple of years she'll be an RA on a reasonable wage - but she won't necessarily be on a permanent contract for a while. This is the new economy: someone can be very successful in their early career, but still in a precarious position.

I think you should pull out of being bridesmaid. I suspect that the dress and potential weekend abroad are just the start and there will be other expenses before the wedding is over. It's one thing to have one dress on your credit card, but this could easily end up being hundreds of pounds...

Explain to the bride (and if she is your bestfriend, she should understand even if she is disappointed), and go to the wedding as a guest instead.

she decided to get pregnant while not being financially stable.

Not being able to afford a hen do doesn't make someone financially unstable.

She's your best friend.

I would have a sit down discussion with her and talk through the concerns. Is she really aware of how financially challenging things are for you at the moment?

The compromises should be - she cannot veto all your dresses, and you set the budget limit on the dress. Hell, you get get a £25 lindy bop dress that works just as well as most £100 bridesmaid dresses and you're more likely to re-wear it! She can't have it both ways - cannot be so controlling over the dress and yet refuse to pay.

With the hen, if it is abroad then you should not feel obliged to go. If she is really your best friend, then she should not be in the least bit angry or annoyed. Sad, yes, that she will miss you there, but she should be considerate and understanding of your position.

Most people would be really upset at the idea that one of their closest friends was struggling because of them and it wasn't spoken about.

Trust your friendship and talk to her.

Thank you all so much for your input I love mumsnet! I think if money wasn't an object I'd sneak my partner and baby away with me and slope off to feed her before bed, haha! But it's really going to have to be the not-going option. eBay will definitely be my best friend dress-wise and tbh my thinking is that if she doesn't like what I choose she should have bought us dresses to her taste. I think she thinks she's being laid back by saying "wear whatever" but it makes everything more stressful, particularly when that's not what she means at all!

Thanks for everyone who stuck up for me on the having-a-baby-whilst-doing-PhD thing. We planned her, I didn't forget to take my contraception (but what a lovely thing to say! Thanks!) - however in order to have her we left London and all our friends because we couldn't afford our old life. We live well within our means now and know that in the future it will get better. Just FYI - the stipulations for PhD funding state that you mustn't work externally more than a certain number of hours a week. My partner does teach but it's casual work and not guaranteed; i haven't gone back to teaching yet as DD is 5 months and bf on demand, and I did look into claiming benefits as we both worked and paid tax for 15 years so it seems like having paid into the pot for that long, it might be fair to get some help when we need it. I was pretty shocked when I was told I could claim nothing - hence my comment about the tories. I just think telling two people and a baby on £13k they are entitled to no help is a bit ridiculous. I know I'm not alone in thinking that either! However the ideas about working for OU remotely and tutoring kids are really fantastic and I will look into both!

Thank you all again!

When you made the decision to try for a baby though you knew you were entitled to nothing so if you find it ridiculous then you would have chosen to wait till you finish PhD to have baby surely. Situation is of your own choosing. Crack. On with the tutoring and enjoy the wedding

Hope all goes well with your best friend’s wedding, OP, and with your PhD. Can I ask what subject you’re studying? Tutoring is a fab idea.

Congratulations on your baby girl as well.

I can't understand why you wouldn't get child benefit? Try the CAB.

As for the bridesmaid thing - say no! It's ridiculous she's expecting you to pay for your own dress. People say no to being a BM all the time.

Sounds like this could end up costing well over 1k out of the 13k.

@Mittens1969 it's in architectural history! Thank you I'm sure she'll have a wonderful day - which is what counts!

Don't let your friend guilt trip you into doing something you can't afford. Just be honest and tell her that the hen do and an expensive bridesmaid's dress is out of your budget. If she gets upset about it then she isn't as good a friend as you think.

As for the train fare. Check to see what kind of railcard you are entitled to. If under 25 you can get a student railcard. If over 25 there is a Two Together railcard. The third option is to get a family railcard, which would mean paying a fare for your baby, but it may still work out cheaper than paying two adult fares.

' @2014newme When you made the decision to try for a baby though you knew you were entitled to nothing so if you find it ridiculous then you would have chosen to wait till you finish PhD to have baby surely. Situation is of your own choosing. Crack. On with the tutoring and enjoy the wedding '

Hey! this is a great idea! OP, just take your time turning, go back in time, and change your entire situation!

jeeeeez... some people

OP you are being very gracious in the face of complete knobbery from certain posters

Congratulations on your baby me and my wife always put off having a baby using money as an excuse and unfortunately it’s something we can never have now and we will always regret it. To me you both sound very responsible so please don’t listen to the naysayers on here.

Please double check on the benefits situation because it really is scandalous if you can’t get anything.

Good luck with everything and all the best to you and the family.

We do get CB @Rubies12345 - which does bring our annual total up to about £14k actually!

Raizel - well said!

The OP says she's worked previously for some years, so I'm assuming she's in her 30s. If you decide you want a career that needs a PhD at that point, you may find yourself having to juggle it with having children just to fit it all in, given the problems many women in their late 30s/40s experience with fertility.

I know a woman who did had kids while doing a PhD - she is now a multi-millionnaire businesswoman and a visiting academic at one of the most prestigious universities in the world, as well as being a mother. It can be done, and very successfully too.

Lol so I'm awful ok- but I'm not the one on here disclosing all the facts about a couple and a baby having to live in £13k and blaming the Tories for my own life choices.

Crack on OP, I'm sure your knowledge of architectural history will set the world ablaze some day.

@Raizel that is so sad and I'm so sorry - you sound like you'd have made lovely parents. I definitely will go to the CAB and see if there's anything else we can get

I didn’t buy my bridesmaids dresses but they wore whatever they wanted. Wouldn’t have minded if they showed up in jeans and a t shirt. I was flat broke and just wanted them there with me.

"I'm sure your knowledge of architectural history will set the world ablaze some day."

By definition, when the OP finishes her PhD she will have contributed something to knowledge that no-one else has done previously. She'll be world class in her field of interest. Even if she does nothing else, that's quite impressive actually. I'd be interested to know what world class achievements you're making to society that justify your tone towards the OP.

K'in 'ell, there's some nasty sorts around! All the nasty stuff about finances - she was asking whether or not to go on a hen do, not probed into her personal life!
OP, YANBU. I honestly don't know what comes over some women when it comes to becoming a bride. With me, I had two bridesmaids. I bought the dresses.
If she's making you fork out for it (cheek) she does not get to pooh pooh everything you send a link to. If she's that bloody fussy she should get them herself!
As for the hen night. If it's abroad, you don't have much spare money, and a 10 month old to boot, you are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable not wanting to go. Not only are you going to be worrying about money when you're over there (drinks etc) you're within your rights not to want to leave your baby to go to another country at that age.
If she's any sort of friend she'll understand.
As an aside, what on earth happened to great nights out in the nearest big city - pubs and nightclub? That was mine. Everyone can come then. All these expensive hen weekends abroad are insane! All the pressure it puts on people. Like yourself. Selfish really.

My baby was about 11 mo at my best friends hen and I took him and DH along and just popped back at intervals to feed him. Mainly morning and before bed. I have no regrets it was an amazing weekend and despite not having children herself the bride understood. Because she really is my best friend! And loves my DS!
Anyways if you could do that I would try to. And have an honest conversation about the dress. It would be a shame to step down when a conversation may sort it out.
If you really are close surely she would support you?! Loan the money or just pay! I am getting married and will be paying for BM dresses for sure. Xx
Hope it works out. You have a lovely positive attitude for someone in what sounds like a hard situation.