to worry about going on this hen do?

[MissLuna]

Ok so this one is a two parter, haha!

My partner and I are both PhD students. My stipend ran out in february and our DD was due in May. As a PhD student with an expired stipend I am not entitled to maternity pay and so we are living off his £13,000 a year stipend. We're in a catch 22 situation as I am less likely to get a job until I finish the PhD but I can't go back to finish it unless we can get childcare, which after rent and bills we can't afford. So - we're struggling a bit for money, but we have a beautiful LG and we're happy enough, we don't need that much!

My best friend is getting married next summer and I am a bridesmaid. I think this is kind of the way these things go nowadays but she's asked us to choose (and buy) our own dresses - which would be fine, except all of the dresses I've sent her links to, she's said no to. Obviously its going on my credit card but I'd still rather not spend a lot of money on something I'm probably only going to wear once. Then there's the hen party. She told me she just wanted a night out in a UK city but told the other bridesmaids she wanted to go abroad for a weekend. I have two panics here - firstly, my daughter will be under a year at that stage, she is BF to sleep and she doesn't take a bottle. I know by that stage (she'll be 10 months) it could all change but my chest felt so tight at the thought of leaving her. My partner told me it'd be ok and she'd be fine and if I have to leave her, it may as well be for my best friends hen party. None of my friends have kids so they don't quite understand the worry; they think I should be excited to have a weekend away from her. AIBU to worry about going? I'm scared when I get back she will no longer want to bf.

Secondly - money. We will have to get a £150 train to the wedding, plus bridesmaids dress, wedding present, and then a weekend trip to an undisclosed European destination - AIBU to feel like this is a really big ask of two people on £13,000 a year? I know it's not personal - it's not their fault we live far away and have to get a prohibitively expensive train for example - but it will add up to the cost of us going on holiday as a family.

^ - Waiting is spot on.

If you disclose your income no friend in their right mind would not understand.

Good, am glad you can afford her. My comment was also supportive of you not having to pay £££ just cos she's getting married!

Your "I can't get anything, blame the Tories" comment was ridiculous though. Take some personal responsibility for your own skintness.

I can only sympathise with the BF situation. My 9 month old is BF to sleep and feeds regularly through the night. My mates (and DH) know nights out are a no go for me st the moment.

Ooof, I can sympathise. I supported my exP as he got an MA (no funding) on a £11k PhD stipend in London, and our rent at the time was £800pcm. You get no help at all - overall, I'm pretty sure our situation would have been quite a bit better had we been on benefits than being students. We ended up getting part-time jobs and doing them in shifts, and basically working very, very long days (8 hrs on the Phd plus another 4-5 at work).

One advantage you may have if you are arts/hums/social sciences is that your time is quite flexible. Can you both pick up some teaching or marking from your departments (or other organisations - WEA? OU?). One of you can take care of the baby while the other works, and then swap.

As for extraneous expenses - I think you just need to explain to your friend how utterly cash-strapped you are. A lot of people don't realise that you're basically incredibly poor in your situation - I remember it as a very dark, cold, pretty hungry time. By next summer, hopefully one of you will have finished and you will have another wage to help you out with the expenses. for you in the interim.

Its a fair time away. Can't you just get a job? Not just for the hen but for everyday life. £13k for 3 sounds terrible. Even just a weekend one? I'm shocked the two of you had a baby and still not choosing to try and earn.

Also bride should be paying for dress if she wants any input. It's either wear what you want and pay including anything in your wardrobe or wear this fancy dress and she pays.

I was doing my PhD when I had my first. (If it's reassuring to you, I did manage to finish, move on to a postdoc, where I did actually earn a decent salary, and I retained my sanity and survived. Our dd is 4 now and I'm pregnant with our 2nd). I absolutely sympathetize with you. I would see how it goes, but I wouldn't feel bad about saying no to the hen do. If you can't do it, you can't do it. Just say you don't have the childcare help (when in doubt, you can always make up some fictitious conference your partner needs to be at, conferences are always a good excuse). I did go away when my daughter was 9 months. We co-slept but she wasn't bf at that point. She definitely won't forget how to feed by the time you get back, but it might be exhausting for your partner and just uncomfortable for you (you'll likely be carting a pump around with you during the day). For me, the two nights away was wonderful and I really enjoyed it. But it was for a training workshop I needed to attend, not for a hen do. I don't think I could have justified it or the expense just for someone's party. You don't know how you'll feel then, so if they need an answer now, I would just say no, you can't guarantee you'll be able to make it and you don't want to leave them hanging. I think if you are going to do one thing, I would prioritise the wedding over the hen do.

I definitely wouldn't go on the hen do if it's abroad for two nights. I managed one night away with my first dc when a year old (stopped bf at 9 months). My second wouldn't take a bottle so bf until 13 months and still haven't had a night away! As a previous poster mentioned though, don't expect them to understand this if they don't have kids yet!
Two nights away if you have a baby who won't take a bottle would be hell for both of you. If it's one night away in the UK, could you consider going for the day part only? Or staying with friends/family near by with your partner and baby so you can return at night to bf? I stayed in a pub with my partner for one hen do that I didn't want to miss, left early so I could go back and bf (obviously depends on where it is and how much money involved in staying).
On the dress - I would be very honest, say you are thrilled to be a bridesmaid but money is very tight at the moment so you don't have a huge budget to spend on a dress. She should accept that and if not, she should be offering to pay the extra!

Boom do you understand anything about PhDs and how they /the funding works? 😕

@uokhunni, why should PHD students be exempt from maternity pay? There's plenty of people not working or studying at all and the government seems to trip over themselves to hand out money to them when they have a child. With absolutely NO means of supporting them whatsoever.

I think you need to explain to your friend and pull out of hen do and probably being a bridesmaid. If you have decided to have a child on £13k a year then luxuries of any sort are out unfortunately.

You also need to get a job - in the evenings when your partner is at home to save enough to cover childcare for going back to uni. Then get back to uni ASAP and finish your PhD.

And to people saying she should just 'got a job,' she has a job. Doing a PhD is like a research apprenticeship. I suspect most people who went to uni didn't earn 13K a year in an outside job and just lived off loans or their parents. It's incredibly full on, like any apprenticeship leading to a serious career would be, and there is almost no time for outside work. You work well over 40 to even 60 hours a week, including evenings and weekends, plus you're doing childcare. And when you have a partner who works similar hours, you can't just 'get a weekend job' because who will do the childcare? I know for me, mine involved significant travel, which is almost impossible to coordinate with non-academic part-time jobs. That's why you live simply, do your own childcare and work around baby's needs, and don't blow your money on luxury expenses, like weekends away. The benefit is though that you come out with a doctorate and are quite employable, and in the right field will make a very solid salary with quite flexible working hours that can be very conducive to family life. It's an investment in the future. She didn't say she couldn't afford to pay her bills or care for her child. She said she couldn't afford an overpriced weekend away, which is something most of us can relate to. I have a well paid postdoctoral position, but on mat leave, no I wouldn't be able to afford a friend's hen do as family comes first when you need to save and be mindful of your expenses.

I would send the bride a letter, saying how flattered you are that she has asked but just explain your financial situation and that anything you spend will have to go on a credit card. And kindly back out of it, saying that if finances had allowed, you'd be there every step of the way with her. You can't go ahead and put money on a credit card for this, that would be insane. And good luck with finishing your phd when the time comes. .

She needs to help towards the cost and take your situation into account, if she doesn't she's not a friend! You can skip the European trip, look for a dress here: www.everything5pounds.com/en/Womens/Dresses

If she really is your "best friend" she will understand the financial implications to you. But its really not normal to ask people to pay for their own BM dresses, that is not a good sign about this wedding at all.

@mindutopia the op isn't doing the phd at the moment. Therefore she's available to do some tutoring or similar when her partner is available to look after baby.

I think I would pull out of the wedding party and go as a guest. You can't afford it and your friendship will more easily survive a big conversation about how you are struggling financially than lots of small grievances and disappointments (which dress, shoes, hair and make up, buying rounds of drinks or gifts for hen do etc).

Can you ask your PhD supervisor if there is any tutoring you can do for them. You DH might be (depending on his academic discipline) able to offer flexible childcare for a couple of hours here and there. I was paid about £22 an hour for tutoring whilst doing my PhD (and 2 hours preparation per session which could be done any time).

OP, huge support from here - you sound lovely and if you can get through the next few years, your beautiful family will be so better off in future.

I've nothing to add to the excellent advice above re. pulling out as a bridesmaid and just explaining everything to the bride (I've been one & would have absolutely understood this and done anything I could to help - mind you my hennie was a cheap-as-chips picnic!), however I wanted to ask if you are entitled to maternity allowance (not stat. mat. pay)?

Tell zilla that you can't afford it and so have to pull out. Let her tantrum, your bills take priority over frilly frocks and shrieking piss ups.

You chose to have a baby and so there will be some things you can't afford.

Friend was BM just after starting first job abroad. Flew back long haul at her own expense, paid for never to be worn again orange satin dress and 2 years later the marriage was over.
OP Oxfam have great wedding wear!

It's mad to be even considering how you can afford it - you can't.

Please don't get into debt for someone else's wedding, it's making me nervous on your behalf just thinking about it.

Tell her now that you're going to need to drop out before she spends any money that you'll need to repay her for.

Definitely bin off the hen do. Your friend should understand, and if she doesn't and decides you should stand down as a bridesmaid, then win-win for you as you then ALSO don't incur the costs of the dress.

You MUST do what's right for you and your little family at this stage, not what your friend wants.

Ring friend and explain your situation.

It's October. If you save here and there and plan and choose sensibly, you can manage the wedding. Tell her your dress budget. You'll have to opt out of a hen weekend involving travel but you can come to the afternoon tea with her mum and granny or whatever. She'll understand.

@uokhunni but it is the tories fault that she isnt entitled to any benefits isnt it? It's because of the shambles that is universal credit. She should have statutory maternity pay and some other benefits when on such a low income.

OP I went on my friend' hen in London when my son was 9 months and came home the same night because I wasnt ready to leave him. My boobs were still.leaking and so painful by the early evening. I hand expressed to relieve the pain but it wasnt ideal at all. I would arrange a seoerate 'hen' day or night out locally for you and friend and not even consider the one abroad. If he diesnt take a bottle then you have to be back for bedtime so maybe afternoon tea or something? l also agree with a pp hire the dress or get it second hand on ebay she doesnt need to know its second hand you could just send a screenshot.

Easiest thing though is to explain your financial situation to her. She will surely understand.

I think you should pull out of the hen do because you aren’t going to enjoy it. If you can’t agree on a dress in budget, your friend is going to have to have a think about what is more important to her - you being her bridesmaid in a dress or in the dress. If it is the latter, she is going to have to buy it herself. As another thought, if you go, you’ve also got the added expense of needing to buy a breast pump.