Hairzilla.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

The next thread...

Fingers crossed for a nice update for you all.

i would really now just wash your hands of the whole prize giving thing. withdraw it and walk away

Please don't do this - this would reflect badly on you.

OP you have been very restrained and dignified throughout this. It sounds like a difficult situation that you've handled well, I'm sorry your friend has behaved so badly it must be upsetting for you

pictish I do see your point of view and ordinarily I'd agree, but for two things.

First, unless I read it wrong somewhere weren't there flyers and posters being made/already made with the offer advertised? I didn't get the impression OP had the luxury of time before the whole thing became a fair accompli she couldn't get out of without damaging her business's reputation.

Secondly, all the vile things that F1 said to KungFu last night sounded like deep and long-held resentments. There was a lot of spite and envy from F1 in KungFu's direction. It seemed to me that F1 doesn't actually like or respect OP that much. F1's actions in the first place did indicate a total lack of respect. At least OP is in no doubt now that F1 placed no value on their friendship beyond what she could leverage for her own benefit.

In which case, there is no friendship to save. So OP might as well have just done whatever she needed to do to protect her reputation and not leave herself out of pocket.

I think Cora's message sounds good - dignified but not going into any detail.

I think with regards to PTA lady, just confirm that you will do the "updo" as offered.

You don't have to tell her about what happened if you don't want to.

I like Cora's message.

My main point yesterday was that I sometimes worry, on “live” threads like these, that the op, carried along by the braying crowd, does something that they may regret in order to feed the thread. And anyone who puts their head above the parapet and puts an alternative view is shot down in flames. Which means that the few do that and do the thread gains even more momentum.

I have to agree Bit - sometimes a mob mentality takes over and the whole thing snowballs. (I am susceptible to a rush of adrenaline myself.) Hope that if I was in OP's position I would get all the advice etc I could, but not actually act in hot-blood. I hope I'd leave it a day or two. Maybe I's still take the same course of action, but it would be considered.

However I don't think Kungfu had much option than to contact he PTA, as the earlier they know, the less likely they are to spend money on printing expensive leaflets with the wrong information on them. Not sure how I would have dealt with friend - anger and hurt cause us to lash out, and sometimes we regret it.

What Cora said. But maybe reiterate that your gift is an updo only, just to make everything crystal clear.

Pictish, I can almost see where you're coming from, but in a situation like this, there has to be some reasonably behaviour on both sides. F1 has pretty clearly demonstrated a lack of regard for KungFu, first by devaluing KungFu's talents and business by assuming they should be given away for free at F1's insistence without even asking first, or even letting her know it had been done (even a friend who got a bit carried away in the meeting could have made contact and sheepishly admitted what they'd done and retrospectively asked would it be okay / how could they make it okay), secondly by ignoring KungFu's attempts to make contact to discuss the issue and by "standing her ground" by refusing to contribute at all to the cost of the service that she had volunteered, thirdly, by ambushing KungFu and insulting her after KungFu had fixed the situation and soft-pedaled F1's role in the mix up to the PTA, and finally by posting ridiculous vaguebooking telling KungFu that she was dead to her.

Realistically, it appears that the only way that KungFu could have salvaged the relationship would have been to shut up and do the cut and colour. But at that point, it doesn't seem like it was really a relationship worth saving, and KungFu did absolutely the right thing by asserting herself whilst protecting F1 as much as she could (and continuing to protect F1 today, which shows real restraint).

Unfortunately, sometimes even long-time friendships fall apart. It's sad and awful, but it's better than allowing someone to treat you with a complete lack of respect for old time's sake.

I like Hashi's suggested text to PTA lady: I think f1 is a little embarrassed by her mistake, as we discussed though I'm still happy for offer the updo. Would you like to collect the voucher for this yourself?

Not that I don't think F1 deserves chucking under a bus, but it will reflect far better on Kung if she continues to show generosity of spirit towards her former friend than if she starts dragging PTA Lady into a spat between friends by telling her about the visit to the salon last night.

I like Cora's message too but I'd leave out the bit about honouring your donation. Taken out of context it could be seen as you saying you did make the original donation.

I wouldn't reply on FB. I'd simply text the PTA lady saying.

"I am quite upset following a visit from F1 to my salon last night, after which she posted on Facebook. I don't want a public fight on Facebook and I'm sure the PTA doesn't either. I have not responded myself and I have asked F2 to take down her response to F1s post."

I'd tell the pta

What happened is between my self and F1 and while I appreciate your concern I really don't want to talk about it.

I think you have handled this well op

I would message pta lady back something like "Thanks you x, I am fine but I appreciate the message to check. F1 became very verbally abusive toward me at my business yesterday, which was not appreciated or appreciate and then she posted the message on FB. I am very conscious that for her this may be a spat between friends but for me this is my business name and my reputation and I would rather neither were included in FB rants. I am angry that my business was ever included without my knowledge and at how I have been treated. I did not wish to be sucked into such drama and am mindful that you, as s volunteer, should not have to contend with these issues either. I am still happy to offer the voucher in good faith and will forward to you as soon as possible. I hope this will be an end to the matter as I do not negative effects to my business as I am sure you do not want negative effects to the image of the PTA either. Regards op"

Or something similar, professional but clearly distancing yourself from the drama llama that is F1, not actually throwing her under the bus and still giving the voucher

I don't think the PTA woman is likely to want the hassle of knowing more. She's only taken it on because she has to. I say this as someone with a similar role in mediating things. It's kind of her to reach out and ask if the Op is okay

These threads don't sit right with me, I just don't get how everyone can whip up a massive storm and get so swept up in it and hail OP as a saint when there are posts on here by people struggling with abuse with only one or two replies. They need championing and support.
No offence OP, this falling out with your friend sounds difficult and I do agree she was a CF without a doubt. Have you done previous acts of goodwill? Maybe she was a presumptive fucker. I know that in my community when there's a fundraiser, businesses pull together and do offer similar to what you'll be doing. I don't agree with how she's gone about things but she will have been bending over backwards to come up with some good deeds for the PTA and massively misjudged it.

*or appropriate

Op you did nothing wrong, F1 should never ever have volunteered your services without asking you first, it is not about the money, but the principle! She also lied to the PTA and now its all coming back to her, she has to be a grown adult and deal with it! You had every right to contact the PTA to clarify things and clear it up, I would not trust F1 to do that! She has thrown the friendship down the drain, not op! Instead of being an adult and owning up and apologising to op and trying to make things right, she is throwing a tantrum, and blaming op, that would also be a dealbreaker in the friendship.

As op has said, she has a form for being a CF, time and time again people have sucked up, sometimes it needs something like this to show the person that people will not tolerate it anymore. Whenever somebody is a CF, it eats away at the friendship, and it make me really, see them that bit less.

I would say to the PTA lady: thanks very much for your thoughts, I am ok. Leave it at that, don't mention F1 or what has gone on. Put the friendship with F1 in the past and concentrate on the others.

Bit, this is Mumsnet. All non-Mumsnetters are Narcs.

I don't think OP deserves criticism.

F1 offered a donation in OPs name that had never been discussed with OP.
Cost to OP £45.00, plus the cost of the paying customer she would have had in that slot (£45.00 for argument's sake) = £90.00
F1 then allowed the PTA to advertise the donation and the name of OPs business - still not having discussed it at all with OP
F1 then refused to discuss it with OP despite OP saying she was unhappy.
F1 refused to speak to PTA and resolve it, or pay for it herself or make anything clear to OP despite several opportunities.
F1 did tell F2 and F3 those things.
F1 storms into shop and does victim act, humiliating and blaming OP.
F1 then rants victim rant on Facebook involving other people and bringing OP's professional reputation into question.

All OP did was contact the agency (PTA) who were publishing inaccurate, unconfirmed, misleading info about her business and resolve that issue - still at significant cost to her (updo + paid customer appt)

F1 is a pathetic creature who thinks everything is about her.

OP, I would step away from the whole thing, not engage with her, not discuss it, just tell PTA you will stand by your offer for updo, don't wish to discuss it further and post voucher to PTA lady.

for you OP

Panda...there was plenty else you could have done...none of this was on a timer.

I very much disagree @pictish, and that's putting aside the fact that CF1 refused to speak directly to the OP even while showing she had the capability to do so as she was messaging F2&3 at the same time she was ignoring the OP.

The OP is not affliated with the school beyond CF1, F2 & F3 having kids there. This means that her business was being advertised in a place where she has little chance of being aware, unless her friends inform her and whilst F2&3 informed her of the flyers they may not be aware of other advertising that was either in the process of being made or was already printed and just waiting to go live.

At least one round of flyers have gone out to parents (which is hundreds of families) and who knows how many other flyers were planned, not to mention banners outside the school, posts on social media from the PTA and it's members, posters both at the school and in local community spaces - especially if other parents also have businesses , adverts in local press (One of my DD's classmates' parents works for the local newspaper and another works in the local radio station so it's quite common for school events to get both printed ads and radio spots at discounted rates) etc all potentially mentioning the OP's business as a donor. The longer this goes on the more potential there is for the OP to get negative press from withdrawing the prize that she never donated in the first place

It is also now going into half term week, so the PTA probably will have wrapped up most of their work before the holiday and won't be planning to get together until at least after half term ... that's a whole week where they may not have been contactable. The OP only had the PTA Chair's information because F2&3 knew her details and so could pass them on. The PTA Chair only saw the OP's message because F2&F3 saw her at the school gates and mentioned that she had sent the message and was trying to get in contact re: an issue with a donation ... if the OP had to find that information herself it might have taken her a few days and that could have gone into half term and the message may have gone unread until after the hoilday, all the while the OP is waiting and wondering if the situation will be salvageable.

By getting hold of the PTA Chair as soon as the issue was brought to the OP's attention once it had become clear that CF1 had no intention of talking to the OP and that she had blatantly lied to the PTA about the OP being aware of the donation it meant that everyone who had any kind of power to change things (whether it was the Chair offering to pay for the CC from PTA funds, or working out a compromise or the OP making her generous alternative offer) was in the loop, was aware and could work together to come to a mutually beneficial solution ASAP.

can anyone link the previous tbread please

@Countduckulanose, I take your point but I thought there were other threads for issues that need particular support. AIBU may be a place to start to get signposted to another more sensitive thread, but clearly a theme of whether the OP is/isn't being unreasonable is not an appropriate backdrop for a thread from someone who is a victim of violence or something similar.

And yes, the OP has a history of F1 pushing boundaries regarding OPs business, but OP was comfortable with that- thiswent beyond

People never cease to amaze me. The absolute cheek!!!

I agree that it appears that Cf has been using kungs good nature for a long time. Rocking up at her salon at closing time demanding a style at mates rates cos op has nothing else to do but work late for her.

She sounds deeply jealous of her and thinks she owes her for some reason.
Hopefully now the entitlement wil stop.