Why am I so fucking stupid?

[freddofrogs]

I’m so socially awkward and I’ve just fucked up again. I’m at work and noticed whilst archiving files that it’s been almost a year my colleagues dad passed away. Stupid, awkward me though I’d make mention it to my colleague. WHY? Why did I think it was a good idea? I can see I’ve upset her. She told me she doesn’t really want to be reminded of it as shes understandably finding it hard. She was perfectly pleasant about it and I apologised. But I feel awful. I’m now sat in the toilets crying and I’ve been sick. I’m such a fucking twat. Now I’m wondering if I should text her later to apologise for being insensitive or should I just leave it?

You're completely overreacting.

She's upset because it's the anniversary of his death.

She was pleasant.

Throwing up is ridiculous. Just calm down and get on with your day.

Aww don't feel too bad, lots of people would like their loved ones mentioned! Don't text you've apologised that a enough.

You are NOT stupid. Some people may well have wanted to speak about it just as some people may not have. Although she didnt want to speak about it, she very well may have been touched that you seemed to have remembered.

What did you actually say?

Take a deep breath and calm yourself down, you tried to do a nice thing by showing her support on a sad day for her. It backfired yes but there was no malice or intention to upset on your part so stop beating yourself up about it! You haven’t made her cry, losing her Dad has made her cry do stop beating yourself up about it right now, go and wash your face and straighten yourself up and go back to work. You’re not an idiot! Everyone makes mistakes and this is a tiny one in comparison to others.

You aren't a fucking twat. You are lovely and thoughtful. Everyone of course struggles with anniversaries. Yes your colleague was upset but she shouldn't have said she doesn't need reminding that is a bit odd tbh when someone is trying to be kind.

Maybe you should stop thinking about your own feelings. Stop crying. Why be sick? You're being very dramatic.

Throwing up is ridiculous I doubt that was by choice.

Your intentions were good. Sometimes people are comforted that others remember the ones they have lost and want to talk about them. Sometimes they don't. You may have just caught her off guard. Try not to beat yourself up - you didn't do anything wrong. I would just leave it for now though. You've let her know that you are thinking of her, and she can approach you if she needs to talk.

neverever maybe because she suffers anxiety? Maybe because we arent all as in control of our feelings and physocal responses as you seem to be?
Dont be so bloody horrible. If you have nothing nice to say dont say anything.

AIBU probably not the best place for this when you’re already feeling down, every cunt and his dog is roaming around here waiting to stick the boot in.

You're not stupid! You shouldn't ever talk about yourself in that way.

Don't let it upset you. The colleague was pleasant but upset because it's the anniversary of his death. It isn't about you at all it's just really sad for her.

Honestly you need to stop beating yourself up. You haven't done anything wrong. In hindsight maybe saying nothing unless she brought it up would have been better but really you need to let this go.

I'm sure she won't even remember you said anything about it.

@AndrewJames I just said ‘It must be nearly a year since your dad passed away now’ I was then going to let her know I was there for her if she wanted to talk. She didn’t want to talk and that’s fine. I just feel really fucking stupid that I thought it was a good idea to bring it up and I’m sad that I’ve upset my colleague. I go over conversations in my heard over and over again and think about what I should have said instead. On this occasion I should have just kept my mouth closed.

How were you supposed to know she didn't want to be reminded of it? Are you psychic? No? Then stop beating yourself up about it. I expect tomorrow, when it's no longer the anniversary, your colleague will actually be quietly pleased that someone, apart from her, remembered and acknowledged her father's passing.

And breath!

You are massively overthinking this, do not text her later just leave it be

Some unnecessarily harsh replies here, some people don't understand how much anxiety can affect people.

Honestly op, it's ok. I'm sure you brought it up sensitively, and it's normal for her to be upset, that doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. No need to apologise again, just move on. it can be really sad when no-one seems to remember a loved one, so you did a kind thing.

If she wants to talk about it later, she knows at least one person at work cares enough to remember and talk about it, and if not, that's ok too. Either way you dint need to worry about what you said

You did a nice thing by asking. Lots of people feel like no-one will talk about their loved ones after the funeral is over - it's like they've been written out of history. Coming up to the first anniversary often makes people want to talk. Unfortunately your colleague wasn't one of those. Just let it drop & don't worry. She's not going to hold it against you.
And neverever - have a for being an insensitive twat

I think maybe the fact that it's almost his anniversary not the actual anniversary is where you've caught her off guard and she maybe wasn't thinking about it at that precise moment.

Your intentions were good though so don't beat yourself up

Freddo don't feel bad. I would love someone else in the world to remember the anniversary of mum's death. Or her birthday. Of anything really.

I can't guarantee that I would necessarily respond positively because you'd catch me by surprise but I would be pleased that someone cared enough to remember and say something.

I just wanted to add that actually I would have found it a comfort had somebody said something to me on the death of my fathers anniversary.

I would have felt like I was being shown support and care and would have been grateful somebody had taken time to make sure I was ok.

'It's like people who use depression as an excuse to be cunty! '

I expect tomorrow, when it's no longer the anniversary, your colleague will actually be quietly pleased that someone, apart from her, remembered and acknowledged her father's passing

I think you misunderstood. It isn't the anniversary today, she wasn't pleased today and will hardly be more pleased tomorrow.

OP, you shouldn't feel bad as you were trying to be nice. There is nothing wrong with that and I'm sure your colleague understands that. In future I wouldn't bring up anniversaries and such of people you didn't know as you have no idea how people will react.

MyrtleMaracas Indeed.

Look, she's probably touched that you remember but she just doesn't want to talk about it. The one doesn't exclude the other. You clearly feel very anxious about conversations and how you are perceived and I hope you are getting or will consider getting help for that. Unless you stormed up to her and shouted it, i.e. behaved inappropriately, don't worry.

'Your intentions were good. Sometimes people are comforted that others remember the ones they have lost and want to talk about them. Sometimes they don't. You may have just caught her off guard'

This ^. Every person I know who has suffered a bereavement naturally gets upset when someone mentioned anniversaries, it is completely normal but I don't know anyone who isn't grateful for someone's kind words. Maybe your colleague was embarrassed at being upset and said the first thing that came to her mind. Just shrug it off. You meant well.