Why am I so fucking stupid?

[freddofrogs]

I’m so socially awkward and I’ve just fucked up again. I’m at work and noticed whilst archiving files that it’s been almost a year my colleagues dad passed away. Stupid, awkward me though I’d make mention it to my colleague. WHY? Why did I think it was a good idea? I can see I’ve upset her. She told me she doesn’t really want to be reminded of it as shes understandably finding it hard. She was perfectly pleasant about it and I apologised. But I feel awful. I’m now sat in the toilets crying and I’ve been sick. I’m such a fucking twat. Now I’m wondering if I should text her later to apologise for being insensitive or should I just leave it?

Man should have been "nan" stupid phone

It is coming up to the anniversary of my DM's death. I will be touched if anyone mentions it. I think it means they care.
Please do not feel bad OP

Bless you, you are really beating yourself up needlessly about this - most people wouldn't even have remembered an anniversary like that, at least you care. Just because she didn't want to talk about it doesn't mean she didn't appreciate your concern.

You are not 'fucking stupid', you are a nice person. A lot of people would have reacted differently to your colleague and appreciated the thought.

You sound a bit like I used to be, worrying about every word I said and thinking it must have come out wrong or that people thought I was an idiot, going over things over and over again. Over time this has considerably lessened, maybe it will for you too. Social anxiety is horrible, I do understand . Now breathe and shake it off, chin up and try to focus on something else. You have done nothing wrong.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply.

I’ve sorted myself out and calmed down.

It’s been really interesting to read about ‘social anxiety’. I’ve never thought about it before and have just accepted that this is just how I am. I will definitely look into it though as so many of you have mentioned it from what I’ve described.

I should mention that I’m never usually physically sick (normally just feel sick in my stomach).

Some days I can be quite confident and outgoing (maybe to compensate for how I’m feeling inside?) but then spend the night thinking ‘Why didn’t I just keep quiet instead of bringing attention to myself’. I feel that if I’m quiet people will talk about me and say I’m moody or miserable and if I’m chatty they will think that I never ‘shut up’!

I also do silly things like delete my posts of Facebook, MN etc because I feel silly afterwards and that I’ve somehow annoyed someone.

I’m not going to text or mention it again as my colleague has already said she didn’t want to be reminded. I’ve apologised and that’s it I guess. I just can’t shake this feeling of feeling sick and stupid. I know my colleague is ok which is the main thing as she has been talking to me normally since. And looking at it now I realise I never intended to cause her any upset and shouldn’t feel bad- but I still do.

Social anxiety is a horrible thing to be afflicted with - I know from first hand experience, and in some ways it's easy to tell somebody they are worrying over nothing but it doesn't actually mean they can stop feeling like it. If we could turn off negative feelings at will that would be awesome, but in reality it's really hard to do. How old are you OP, if you don't mind me asking? My social anxiety started when I was about 9 years old (after reading a private note my school teacher had made about me which was actually quite horrible and I started to wonder if everybody else was also being mean about me behind my back) - it started getting gradually better when I hit my thirties. Now I am in my late thirties I can say with confidence that (on the whole) I don't give a shiny shit what others think of me - I do my best to be a nice person and who can do more than that? My teens and early twenties were socially excruciating. I went out and was sociable but I analysed every conversation I had, as I was sure I always came off looking foolish somehow. I had low self esteem, I didn't trust my own judgement at all and felt that everybody else was somehow 'better' then me, that their opinions were somehow more relevant and better than my own. Then as the years passed it became clear to me that that wasn't true - everybody else out there was as flawed and human as I was, they weren't better at all and my opinions and feelings were as valid as everybody else's. I suspect you are at a stage where you don't believe that of yourself yet. I hope with time that you will.

Also, the truth is that sometimes the things you may be worrying about that you have said or done haven't actually been given a second thought by the other person, and that they haven't taken it the way you are worrying that they have at all. It is so easy to imagine something which actually isn't there when you have this anxiety. In fact, who knows, your colleague may even be worried that she has offended you!

Is it possible you have developed Internet addiction? How much time are you spending online?

If it's too much then the real world can seem very overwhelming.

@Dustysparrow Thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel like I really relate to it. Did you get help for your anxiety or is it something that got better in time? I’m 30 years old but not really sure where my anxiety (if that’s what it is) stems from.

The only thing I can think of is that I had quite a traumatic experience as a teenager. Could this be something that would cause social anxiety?

To cut a very long story short- I found myself pregnant at 14 years old. I didn’t tell anyone apart from the father of the baby. Not even my mum (although she found a hospital discharge letter a few months after so I had to tell her eventually). I bunked off school to go to various appointments without telling my friends. They didn’t even notice that I wasn’t at school. Not even my teachers noticed. I had a failed medical termination which resulted in a surgical termination. I attended all the appointments on my own and walked myself home after the surgical procedure. I find it hard to think about even now after all this time. When I finish d with my boyfriend 4 years later he went round and told all my friends what had happened and I completely shut off from everyone. I’ve never received any counselling about what I went through.

This could be completely unrelated to my ‘anxiety’ but it’s something that sits heavily on my mind.

I can’t believe I’ve just written all of that down.

@troodiedoo Yes I use the internet a lot and would say I probably do have an addiction. I will read up about it. Thank you

How did you have surgery at 14 without a parent knowing??

@MadMags As long as they are sure you understand the the information they give and are capable of making a decision there is no need for parental consent.

I'm shocked by that! You poor thing.

@MadMags It sounds really stupid but sometimes I can’t believe what I went through on my own at such a young age. I know I’m not the only person this has happened to and I don’t expect pity but sometimes I just want to talk it through because I’ve never told anyone.I don’t know why. I guess I’m afraid of people’s reactions. I wonder if this is why I worry so much about what people think.

I think that you should speak to a professional about it.

Something like that is bound to leave a mark and perhaps getting counselling, a diagnosis of anxiety if that's what's going on, and some help in dealing with your reaction to things can only benefit you!

@MadMags Thank you. It’s something I’ve tried to sweep under the carpet and forget about (although I still cry about it on occasions). It’s after events like this morning that I realise how much it’s on the forefront of my mind.

Perhaps it’s something to do with my worries and anxieties?

I’d like to have som sort out counselling but no idea where to start. It was such a long time ago.

You were being kind. I always text my friends on parent death anniversary because some people need the trigger to talk about it. Some don't and your colleague is the latter. You didn't do anything wrong. Agree with other posters on here, don't wind yourself up unnecessarily.

Any therapist should be able to help you even start on the right track.

Just realised I’ve completely derailed my own thread! Typical me making a mountain out of a molehill!Thanks for the advice everyone.

Goodness, it sounds like you have been through such a lot

I couldn't say for sure if what you experienced when you were younger is what is causing your social anxiety now, but I would be amazed if what you went through hadn't left you with anxiety (social or some other kind). I think anxiety itself is such a complex thing, and there are a lot of different types of anxiety and they can overlap each other. My social anxiety for example was just one part of my general anxiety over all (fear of adult life / fear of driving etc), and it can be really really limiting to your life. At 30 you are still really young, only just out of your twenties, and I think between the ages of 18 - 32 is when we change the most as people - it can be confusing and quite eye opening. I don't think anybody can say they are the same person in their mid thirties as they were in their early twenties.

I didn't go and see anybody about my anxiety, at the time I didn't think anybody would be able to help me and I blamed myself for being weak and pathetic - it never occurred to me to seek help. I got over my anxieties naturally with time. It wasn't a quick or easy process but I am pretty confident that the reason I have got past a lot of it is because I have been in so many situations during the years which have sent my anxiety through the roof but which I had no option but to face and deal with - and I got through each horrid thing that I had been dreading and nothing terrible came of it. Sometimes with fears the only way to get over them is to face them. When my DD was born it never occurred to me how many social situations that would force me to be a part of, how many people I would meet because of her, and although at first I found it really difficult it just got better the more I was thrown into it. Another example (not social anxiety but a BIG anxiety none the less) was driving. I was literally petrified, in fact it was a proper phobia for me. I passed my test at 17 and then didn't drive again for 12 years! I avoided putting myself in the situation I knew would make me feel so awful and which I knew I would hate - then my DD came along and I realised how limited her life would be if I didn't drive and so I just had to do it. I hated hated hated it - I was so scared I would feel sick, sweaty etc but I got over it with time. I would never ever have done it for myself though, I would have avoided it forever. Now I am fine with it.

I would hope with time and life experience your anxiety will lessen. But the one thing I would say is that even if you dread doing something don't avoid it, because you are feeding your anxiety. It's like a monster sitting on your shoulder - every time you avoid a situation because you fear what may happen or what somebody may think you are feeding that monster. And what you need to start believing is that nobody else out there is perfect - nobody - and that ultimately so long as you go through life being a nice and good person it really doesn't matter what other people think, they aren't any better than you.

I think that it would be a positive step if you sought support in the form of some kind of therapy. I think it is VERY important that you find the right kind of therapy and the right therapist for you - I think they are like shoes, you need to find a good fit and the right person to help you. If you find that the first one isn't helping don't give up, try another one with a different approach. It sounds as though your anxiety is making you very unhappy, and I think seeking help would be a really positive thing.

Freddo you are not stupid - you are incredibly resilient as demonstrated by how you handled all that fear & secrecy on your own at such a young age. You are amazing! :). It could be very helpful to you to talk this through with a counsellor though - its definitely not too late.

Fwiw, you sound kind and thoughtful Op. But yeah, social anxiety. Join the club. I agree that you've been incredibly strong about your experience when you were younger and that it will no doubt have left a mark on you. You could ask your GP about counselling, but more likely you'll need to pay for some if you can afford it

In my city there are 2 organisations (1 for women only & one I think funded my a religious org) that do free counselling so you could check where you are. Not sure how long the waitlist is though.