Why am I so fucking stupid?

[freddofrogs]

I’m so socially awkward and I’ve just fucked up again. I’m at work and noticed whilst archiving files that it’s been almost a year my colleagues dad passed away. Stupid, awkward me though I’d make mention it to my colleague. WHY? Why did I think it was a good idea? I can see I’ve upset her. She told me she doesn’t really want to be reminded of it as shes understandably finding it hard. She was perfectly pleasant about it and I apologised. But I feel awful. I’m now sat in the toilets crying and I’ve been sick. I’m such a fucking twat. Now I’m wondering if I should text her later to apologise for being insensitive or should I just leave it?

Look, no one is socially perfect. We can't see into other people's minds and predict exactly how our words will be received. We all say things that don't come across as we intended them, or don't get the reaction we were expecting. Seriously, this happens to everyone. It's just part of being human.

Your intentions were good, she is sad about her dad's death but she isn't angry with you, and you apologised. Nothing else needs doing or saying, and there's no need to worry about it a moment longer. I promise. This is a much bigger deal in your head than it is out in the world.

She said she just noticed when archiving files. It could easily have been "Oh look, X's writing is on that file from a year ago, that's funny, why would X have been working in our department? Oh yes she came in to help because Y was off because her Dad died."

Myrtle my point is, you quoted me. Fine. Then you quoted those responding to me. Also fine, but seems rather like you're looking to get into a bunfight which I'm not interested in.

And again, OP hasn't actually said that she has anxiety...

Oh OP I feel your pain. For someone who overanalyses conversations and whose worst fear it is to cause offence or say the 'wrong' thing, I know how mortifying it is for it to have come true.
But it feels worse than it actually is, please don't beat yourself up about it, you weren't being malicious and your colleague knows this

"tbh a lot of times anxiety is self-diagnosed!"

Hahaha I love it when people make these pronouncements and expect everyone's jaws to drop open. "My god, she's right!"

Of course anxiety can be self-diagnosed, you berk. When you suffer from it, it is blindingly obvious.

"Is anyone else a bit curious what was in the files? I’ve never worked somewhere where information like that would be kept at work and would be easily accessible."

If OP works as an admin assistant or in HR, it would be easy to come across leave records. When the person's father died, she was probably granted compassionate leave, which the OP happened to notice in the records.

ballon of course, that makes sense. I work in a different kind of job and could only imagine a sick note for grief which felt like an invasion of privacy.

'It could easily have been "Oh look, X's writing is on that file from a year ago, that's funny, why would X have been working in our department? Oh yes she came in to help because Y was off because her Dad died."
Yes I used to audit staffs annual leave, carers leave and compassionate leave so it isnt that unusual for it have been noticed.
Anyway, as most have said you had good intentions op. Hope you're feeling calmer about it now.

Of course anxiety can be self-diagnosed, you berk.

A perfect example of what I meant :)

Of course anxiety can be self-diagnosed, you berk

Not clinical anxiety, no.

It was possibly a little 'off the cuff'. The tone was possibly a bit 'Looks like it might rain' & that would upset me. However, if I knew you I'd know it's not what you intended. It would have been better if you'd got the actual date sorted then said 'How are you doing? I know it's been a year/almost a year since your Dad died, it's hard isn't it' it would have been fine for most people.

But honestly, stop beating yourself up, your comment wasn't terrible. She's clearly really already upset and it will barely have registered let alone be the cause of her upset. It's a grief you can't imagine until it happens & then something tiny like this is just that, tiny. I'd hate for you to be this upset about it if it was me 💐

If a small faux pas makes you cry and throw up, that sounds pretty fucking anxious. Even if somehow the OP didn't technically meet the definition for clinical anxiety (I'd be somewhat surprised), there are going to be lots of parallels in how people deal with their clinical anxiety and how she could deal with this.

And given that a) lots of sufferers don't ask for help and b) a lot of GPs still aren't that hot on mental health stuff, I wouldn't regard a lack of diagnosis as particularly significant.

Don’t beat yourself up. You were being kind. Accept that she didn’t want to talk about it and forgive yourself the awkward. Some people might have been desperate for the opportunity to talk about the death of a loved one, but this person wasn’t. You haven’t done anything wrong.

OP, you've done nothing wrong. Please try to calm yourself ( hopefully you have already) and get back on with your day.

I think she would be upset if she knew you'd had such a massive reaction to a small social interaction.

What usually helps if you get into a state? If necessary leave the building and go for a coffee and a walk. She will not hold this against you. As someone else said, the won't have forgotten and she may well feel sad in the next few weeks about people who dont mention his passing.

Its perverse but sometimes it's upsetting to say something and also upsetting to not say it.

"Should you really be looking at people's files and then going talking to them about the personal details you found within them?

I disagree with posters who think your gesture was kind. She had not told you, she had not brought it up and you should not have had that information."

You are wrong.

It's pretty clear to me that the OP was working with this other person when her father died. It was probably known by her close colleagues at the time.

Seeing it written down on the file has reminded OP of the date it happened, that's all. She could equally have remembered on her own, without a reminder, if she was the kind of person who remembered dates well.

She already knew the information. She didn't just go snooping around and barge up to this woman shouting "hey, noticed in your personal confidential file that your dad died a year ago! Gosh, that must've been tough, eh?"

I’m back to work so haven’t had time to read all of the replies. I will have a good read at lunch time and respond properly then.

Just wanted to point out it wasn’t a personal file that I was archiving. I know that information needs to be kept confidential. It was the rota for this time last year that everyone has access too and would have noticed if they looked at it. I happened to notice my colleague was signed off for a while and remembered it as when her dad passed away.

AIBU probably not the best place for this when you’re already feeling down, every cunt and his dog is roaming around here waiting to stick the boot in

True man.

Aw bless you, OP. I know it didn't seem like it at the time, but I bet she'll be happy later that you remembered. People often mention that it must be near my wedding anniversary, darling husband's birthday, anniversary of his death. Yes it does give me that sudden feeling of pain and is hard, but I'm also grateful that they're still thinking of him. Can I suggest that you just step back now and if she seems upset nearer his anniversary, she knows that you'll understand why, without it being spoken? Try not to let her see you upset.

I have similar responses to getting things wrong. It is very classically social anxiety.

I've been doing some CBT and we've been looking at the "Window of Tolerance" model. www.drmariedezelic.com/window-of-tolerance--traumaanxiety-rela

It's really helped me to understand why I react the way I do in situations, which is usually quite over the top for what has actually happened. I hope it can maybe help you as a starting point as well.

Everyone in this thread telling the OP to calm down, or not to be so dramatic is not helping. If anything saying that to somebody who has distress responses to social situations makes things worse, as it increases the guilt you feel about the reaction you're having. If it was as simple as calming down we already would have done!

if it would make you feel better to text her and apologise then do so. you aren’t being dramatic or overreacting, anxiety/social anxiety is very difficult.

Sorry, but I wouldn't text. That's just brining it up again and she already said to leave it.

Two separate things going on here, I think

i) your severe anxiety, and

ii) your faux pas in the way you brought up her Dad's death.

In relation to the second, I would probably write her a card (not a text) with a brief message of apology and support - possibly with some token choccies. Though I see other posters have said to leave alone.

I see though you have already apologised - so your reaction is disproportionate.

Would any additional apology be to make you feel better or your work colleague feel better?

OP you sound lovely. It sounds as though she understood you were expressing care - it probably made her feel a little wobbly and she had to shut the conversation down to remain professional. Make her a cup of tea and let it pass!

You didn't do anything wrong. My man passed away on Feb 9th this year. We were very close. It should have been her birthday in may and I went to lay her some flowers on her grave and obviously was crying. There was a lady on the grave next to my nans and she said "oh love, was she your mum" I said no my man and she said "oh, it does get easier in time. Remember she's gone to a better place". I was like wtf. I know she meant well and thought she was being comforting but seriously. To me the best place for my nan is here on this earth celebrating her birthday with her children grandchildren and great grandchildren not in the ground.

However, I didn't say that to the woman I just thanked her for her compassion.

Don't stress yourself over it people deal with grief in very different ways.

What you said wasn't stupid what you said was kind and thoughtful, she accepted it with the intention it was meant even if she was upset. Your reaction is totally over the top being sick poor you that must be horrible do you take medication for your anxiety? You are not a twat try and not think about it anymore andcertainly don't text her itis just catastrophising the situation.