Why am I so fucking stupid?

[freddofrogs]

I’m so socially awkward and I’ve just fucked up again. I’m at work and noticed whilst archiving files that it’s been almost a year my colleagues dad passed away. Stupid, awkward me though I’d make mention it to my colleague. WHY? Why did I think it was a good idea? I can see I’ve upset her. She told me she doesn’t really want to be reminded of it as shes understandably finding it hard. She was perfectly pleasant about it and I apologised. But I feel awful. I’m now sat in the toilets crying and I’ve been sick. I’m such a fucking twat. Now I’m wondering if I should text her later to apologise for being insensitive or should I just leave it?

You won't have remined her as she won't have forgotten.

I'd be touched that someone remembered but wouldn't know what to say I think.

OP don't be so hard on yourself. After my dad died no one ever mentioned him and I wished they had. I think it's lovely you tried to reach out to her and the fact she was pleasant with you shows you haven't upset her, she just isn't ready to talk about it yet.

We could all do with a thoughtful colleague like you. If you're still worried next time you see her just say I'm so sorry if I upset you I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you :)

Don’t beat yourself up about it. My dad died 12 years ago now and it’s nice that people mention him or ask how you are, even if it makes you feel a bit sad you still appreciate the thought? You did a nice thing.

It's like people who use depression as an excuse to be cunty!

What's your excuse, mags ?

OP, you actually did a nice thing. Don't let this stop you doing similar in future. Just accept that your colleague's response was clouded by grief so she wasn't interacting with you according to normal rules. You did nothing wrong.

I wouldn’t talk to anybody about stuff you see in confidential files unless that is your job HR and it’s work related and necessary. Make that a rule you live by from now on.

Why are you throwing up? It’s quite a child like reaction to have.

If it helps, Im a very private person, would have reacted the same as your colleague did because I'm at work, but secretly I would have felt touched that someone remembered and cared enough to talk to me. No need to apologise further, and I certainly wouldn't want you to beat yourself up about it.

I still remember the very few people who bothered to send me a card or offered condolences when my parent died.

madmags

It's like people who use depression as an excuse to be cunty!

It belittles real MH issues.

Do you mean people that claim to be depressed as a (self diagnosed) excuse or actual sufferers?

If you mean actual sufferers then that's massively insensitive and belittling as the happiest people on the outside can be battling really bad demons inside (look at people such as Robin Williams and Chester Bennington).

I'm hoping you just meant people that claim to "be depressed" when all they are having is a bad day at work or whatever....

I just feel really fucking stupid that I thought it was a good idea to bring it up and I’m sad that I’ve upset my colleague - you havent upset her. She willnot have been reminded of the anniversary, she will NOT HAVE FORGOTTEN!

You haven't upset her. Her dad's passing will have upset her. Not you bringing it up.

(Although in future, unless you knew the deceased, it's prob best to leave it )

freddofrogs your heart was in the right place and I'd hate my parents to never be mentioned again as if they didn't exist.

Try not to overthink it though

OP you did a nice thing, not a bad thing.
I imagine she appreciated the thought but didn't want to talk about it.
It's that simple.

Stop beating yourself up, your heart was in the right place. It's always difficult to know what to say after a bereavement. I've actually been in the opposite position, it was the anniversary of my friend's dad's death and in the end I decided not to say anything but I don't know if that was the right thing to do. These situations aren't easy!

It might be worth getting some help to build your resilience. You did a kind normal thing by speaking to your colleague. It’s less normal to be reacting to your perceived lack of tact in the way you are.

MadMags
'Throwing up is ridiculous'
You have no idea what is causing this kind of reaction. Who are you to judge?

I agree with others OP. It could have easily have gone the other way that she was glad to have the opportunity to talk about her Dad. Don't beat yourself up and if this is a common feeling you have about being socially awkward and over focusing on stuff you have said then please go and see your GP and ask to be referred to talking therapies. Some CBT could change your life. Take care. Xx

'I'm hoping you just meant people that claim to "be depressed" when all they are having is a bad day at work or whatever...'
Yes madmags must be psychic to be able to diagnose all these time wasters in her rather goady opinion.

Should you really be looking at people's files and then going talking to them about the personal details you found within them?

I disagree with posters who think your gesture was kind. She had not told you, she had not brought it up and you should not have had that information.

But, you've learned a lesson. Don't try that stuff with people who haven't volunteered info to you. It's creepy, and could easily get you disciplined for data protection breaches if they think you've nosied through the files and are going to go off and talk to people about the stuff you saw. That's private!

Even though she didn't want to talk about it, she was probably pleased you mentioned it. Most people stop talking about bereavements far too soon for the bereaved person's liking. Please don't worry

It's done now, you can't change it so forget about it. Trying to make it up to her will risk making it worse.

We all put our foot it it sometimes. At least you realised, some people barge through life never noticing they are as subtle as a brick.

ah don't beat yourself up. Easy for me to say as I also psycho analyse all conversations due to my anxiety. I worry so much that I've upset people. It was a nice thing that you did to take the time to remember a significant anniversary. The fact that she didn't want to talk about it is fine. You didn't do anything wrong, but have apologised anyway.

You need to just breath and relax and get on with your day. Things are never as bad as you think they are in your head

xx

think how much of this sickness and beating yourself up is axially your anxiety monster on your shoulder and not you.i mean that in the sense that if you struggle with overthinking then the overthinking monkey in your mind will be trying right now to make you over think.
so you need to just breathe come back into yourself and think.no stop.actually ive done a nice thing.it might not have been recivev right or how I wished but I haven't actually done anything wrong...something bad has happened not your bad.
because right now the overthinking is becoming the issue and not the actually occurance in itself.its telling stories and getting away from you in this turmoil of "what have I done"
your okay hun.just go smile and carry on.if you need to say anything then do.if things just carry on then don't.could you make a her a tea coffe.bring her a biccy/cake and just walk over and do a knowing smile or sorry hun.and walk away.
if you keep going like this you will then create the issue your fearing.

Do you mean people that claim to be depressed as a (self diagnosed) excuse or actual sufferers?

Sorry, of course I meant those who self-diagnosed. I should have said. I thought it was clear as I'd mentioned self-diagnosing anxiety.

Myrtle you keep referencing me...I don't think I'm the one goading.

@OP, PP have a good point, if you've seen this on a personal file it's really inappropriate to bring it up with her!!!

But you've apologised and she was fine to you. So just leave it.

'It's creepy, and could easily get you disciplined for data protection breaches if they think you've nosied through the files and are going to go off and talk to people about the stuff you saw.'

She didn't 'talk to people' she spoke to the the person it concerned. If she was archiving files there is nothing 'creepy' about noticing a date and mentioning it to the person concerned with good intentions.

Op you tried to do something nice, and I'm sure she will know that. I hope youv clamed down and feeling less panicky and are back working.

And to those having a dig at her for being over dramtic, child like you need to give your head a wobble. She's not choosing to feel like this. Not choosing to throw up over the sheet anxity she feels, not choosing to replay every word she said over and over again. Do you really think she enjoys It? Like she can just stop thinking and feeling It?
I suggest you count your lucky stars that you don't habe anxity like this and gain some empathy.

You don't sound stupid or insensitive at all. Everybody reacts to grief differently - some want to talk, others really don't. Some like it to be acknowledged (the number of people I know who have been upset at people forgetting bereavement anniversaries is quite large!) others prefer to ignore it.

Even if it were the wrong thing to say, everyone makes a misstep in conversation sometimes. Even really sensitive, kind people like you.

'you keep referencing me...I don't think I'm the one goading'
Yes I did reference your rather shit comment madmags, as did others .

Is anyone else a bit curious what was in the files? I’ve never worked somewhere where information like that would be kept at work and would be easily accessible.