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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think PILs should babysit anyway?

103 replies

ASatisfyingThump · 17/10/2017 18:17

For context, DH has had several nights out and two weekends away in the past few months, while I've had one night out. PILs are the only support we have and we rarely as for favours.

We've been invited to a party at the weekend, and the current plan is that he goes while I stay at home and look after the kids because DS2 (11mo) doesn't sleep through the night and it's not fair to ask his parents to deal with that. I think it's not fair that he won't even ask them and I'm honestly sick of always being at home while he goes out and has fun. I feel like telling him either we both go or we both stay at home. I'm at home with DS2 all the time and I just want a night out for a change.

So AIBU to think he should get his parents to babysit anyway? Or if they won't, he should stay at home with me?

OP posts:
Benedikte2 · 17/10/2017 19:39

As others have suggested OP you need to build your support network/friendships up again. Start by going to an evening activity and getting him to babysit. So much you can do for not a lot of expense. Most communities have choirs (no ability required) and craft groups if you don't want to do anything academic.
Good luck

missymayhemsmum · 17/10/2017 19:40

Well if you are bf and littlest would be upset if he work up and you aren't there, why not ask the PIL to have your eldest to stay for a 'big kids and granparents overnight and see if you can take littlest to the party? Ask the hosts if you can put his travel cot/ buggy in a bedroom, tuck him in and just don't get hammered.

KERALA1 · 17/10/2017 19:40

I know I couldn't enjoy myself if I knew my dh was at home sad. Honestly what's the point of being married if the one person supposed to have your back treats you like this?

BathTangle · 17/10/2017 19:44

So he gets the hump if you go out...charming!! Would you be happy for your own children to be treated this way, or to treat someone this way?

If the answer is no, then as I said earlier, I think you have some serious choices to make about how and indeed whether this relationship works for you.

Aureservoir · 17/10/2017 19:45

Kerala1: eh???!! So you think it's okay for the OP to be at home on permanent babysitting duty, while her DH is the one who always goes out? I beg to differ, here. I think it's fair enough for her DH to go to his friends' events - but the OP also needs a life. They are both parents. If they can't leave their DC2, I completely get that - but in that case, they both need to 'cover one another's backs', as you put it.

pigeondujour · 17/10/2017 19:47

Honestly what's the point of being married if the one person supposed to have your back treats you like this?

This is the bottom line for me. It shouldn't have to be a business arrangement or an angsty compromise. You should be his best friend and the person he's most excited to party with on his child free nights.

Original poster
ASatisfyingThump · 17/10/2017 19:47

Generally he's ok, I know this thread has painted him in a pretty bad light but It's really only the going out that's a problem - he's great with the kids, does housework, is happy for me to be a SAHM - he just doesn't seem to grasp that I need a social life too. It's like a strange blind spot that he has and no matter how many times I explain it he just doesn't seem to get it. I guess because he never actually arranges to go out, he only goes when he's invited IYSWIM. He's just as happy being at home and doesn't get that I feel differently.

I'm definitely a lot calmer now than when I started this thread. Apologies for slow replies, getting the kids ready for bed.

OP posts:
Aureservoir · 17/10/2017 19:48

OP (I posted earlier, but have subsequently name-changed): please do tackle this before it's too late. Divorce, even if amicable (as mine is), is no fun for either you or the DC. The only thing that kept me sane when mine were small was having local friends. I am not a great socialiser, but forced myself to go to playgroups in church halls and obtained the list of NCT coffee mornings (despite my fears of such things). I am still friends now, 17 years on, with the people I met through them - despite moving cities. They have endured beyond my marriage, but it would be lovely to have been able to have both.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/10/2017 19:48

if I suggest that he'll just get the arse.

It is OK for him to get the arse. It is OK for you to do absolutely nothing to change the fact that he's got the arse. You just do what suits you.

If you have the arse he doesn't have to change his behaviour either if he doesn't want to, which is exactly what he does. See how that works? Ignore the grump.

Oly5 · 17/10/2017 19:49

I think he should go this time as they're his friends hut you need to tell him you're having the next day off while he has the kids as you want you time.
It's only fair.
If he doesn't agree to that, he doesn't go to the party. Simple

Hidingalion · 17/10/2017 19:49

With an 11 month old non sleeper I'd expect both parents to be not caning it, going out separately once in a while but getting back say midnight or 1am and not too pissed to take over from each other the next day. and then every so often going out together for maybe dinner or the pictures, babysitter, back by 11pm. This whole idea of having to stay late is just a bit unrealistic with small children. It's not forever.

having said that I get that your point is him not accepting his life has changed and making you the default. As everyone's saying, that's your problem.

Aureservoir · 17/10/2017 19:50

OP: My ex-H was all of those things, too. But this is a biggie. You have plenty of time to rectify it, but it really will pay dividends.

Butterymuffin · 17/10/2017 19:50

Aureservoir think Kerala agrees. She's saying that she'd feel that way so why doesn't OP's husband?

Sketchily · 17/10/2017 19:53

Auresevoir I think Kerala meant she couldn't treat her husband the way OPs dh treats OP. It's the fact that the DH regularly does this and doesn't seem to give a flying fuck what the OP feels about it.

As often in these threads it's the attitude that makes all the difference. If he had said, OP i can try and ask my parents but failing that I'll go on this occasion but make it up to you by ensuring you get a day/night out doing something really lovely, or take you on a lovely day out while PIL babysit, she may have felt differently. He doesn't do any of that, though.
Because why should he care, he gets his needs met.

But if he was a decent partner, he would care about his wife's feelings.

Foreverme · 17/10/2017 19:53

A lot of work being married/hitched.

So glad I am single now, and can do anything I want. No kids now. But when we did (minors), it was yin and yang. or together.

Happier now that I don't have to consult anyone.

PondLifeinLondon · 17/10/2017 19:56

TBH it sounds to me like he wants to go to the party without you.

Isetan · 17/10/2017 19:59

Of course he’s not going to ask his parents, he doesn’t want you out with him, let alone by yourself. News flash! Your partner is a selfish arse and your lack of night time invitations works in his favour.

Babysitting is a red herring.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2017 20:00

I think you should save up and have two weekends away yourself either visiting friends or going to a hotel and a rest.

As for the party, unless his parents are elderly, I think you should ask them. If your ds cannot settle, you can then both leave the party.

cheminotte · 17/10/2017 20:02

I think you need to start a new hobby (yoga? Badminton? Politics?) preferably in the evening so you can make some new local friends.

PaleMoonRising · 17/10/2017 20:02

Tell H to cut down on the nights out by himself and the money you save will pay for a babysitter for you to go out together once in a while. My H and I don’t even have in laws to ask so this is what we do. Less often but both of us :)

AnathemaPulsifer · 17/10/2017 20:19

If your friends have moved away, why don't you arrange to go and visit one of them one weekend? Leave him in charge at home. I drifted out of touch with some of my friends during the busy years when my kids were little, but they were still there when I surfaced.

ElizabethShaw · 17/10/2017 20:23

Pay for a babysitter. Sounds like your DH can afford to go out lots, if the two of you went out together half as frequently you could afford a babysitter.

Theresamayscough · 17/10/2017 20:28

We babysat our grandchildren’s from 4 weeks on at least once a month.

We remember what it was like.

Still I think your dh sounds like he’s being a tad selfish

buckeejit · 17/10/2017 20:37

Let him get the arse. Sit him down & explain. Show him this thread to make him understand

If anything you need out more than him as he gets more adult contact from work.

Let him go alone and the next weekend arrange to go to another town to stay with one of your old friends for a couple of days. Or anywhere, go anywhere else for a few days and leave him in your shoes.

Aureservoir · 17/10/2017 20:40

Butterymuffin and Sketchily - sorry if I misunderstood Kerala's position. I am glad that I did, if you see what I mean.