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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think PILs should babysit anyway?

103 replies

ASatisfyingThump · 17/10/2017 18:17

For context, DH has had several nights out and two weekends away in the past few months, while I've had one night out. PILs are the only support we have and we rarely as for favours.

We've been invited to a party at the weekend, and the current plan is that he goes while I stay at home and look after the kids because DS2 (11mo) doesn't sleep through the night and it's not fair to ask his parents to deal with that. I think it's not fair that he won't even ask them and I'm honestly sick of always being at home while he goes out and has fun. I feel like telling him either we both go or we both stay at home. I'm at home with DS2 all the time and I just want a night out for a change.

So AIBU to think he should get his parents to babysit anyway? Or if they won't, he should stay at home with me?

OP posts:
BathTangle · 17/10/2017 18:30

If your friends have moved away, could you and stay with one of them for the weekend some time?

Iloveacurry · 17/10/2017 18:30

Why don’t the ILs come for few hours and babysit whilst you’re both at the party?

Original poster
ASatisfyingThump · 17/10/2017 18:32

Heebie I have pulled him up on this, but no matter how many times I do nothing changes.

I don't think PILs would mind TBH, but he does, and he knows them better than I do (obviously!)

OP posts:
Sketchily · 17/10/2017 18:33

But you haven't asked PIL yet. Couldn't you ask them? It's very different just doing one sleep disturbed night, than having it regularly for months on end, like you have. The thing is, as you say, you've fallen into a pattern that you haven't questioned that suits your husband perfectly as he gets everything the way he wants it. This is the turning point. You could then start finding an activity that you enjoy that gets you out of the house regularly, so you aren't the default babysitter while he has a social life.!

Santawontbelong · 17/10/2017 18:33

I am a gm and happily have dgs whenever the need arises as he sleeps all night for me and no one else!! Grin.. I actually do agree it's part of the 'job' as a gp to babysit. Why not make life a bit easier /happier /stressless for a family member?
My ds is still my dc and if me babysitting for him (his ds) makes his life flow better then that's a good reason to imo!!

BathTangle · 17/10/2017 18:34

Totally get that you want him to think about it himself and not just assume that you'll stay at home. However I think you could reasonably raise the question as to when you get to go out and him babysit, without making it about this particular situation.

5rivers7hills · 17/10/2017 18:35

Why can’t you pay for a babysitter?

Gemini69 · 17/10/2017 18:35

why don't YOU ask them OP Flowers

whoareyoukidding · 17/10/2017 18:37

You need to call him out on this, not just accept his plan to go out and leave you to babysit. Dig your heels in. What's the worst that could happen?

Original poster
ASatisfyingThump · 17/10/2017 18:37

Trying to keep up, sorry I'm so slow. Can't really afford a babysitter, weekends away were a couple of months ago and were saved up for.

I'd be happy with them babysitting at ours, but DH is expecting it to be a very late night. In all honesty if he goes alone I won't expect him back until morning. Plus hangover and babies don't really mix.

I would arrange nights out with my friends, but I don't really have any anymore.

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 17/10/2017 18:39

@Santawontbelong How do you do it?'
My kids sleep amazingly for my mum but horribly for me !!

What is the special GP secret!

Evelynismyspyname · 17/10/2017 18:39

ASatisfying correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're upset that your DH hasn't even asked his parents, rather than you blaming your PIL?

People are pointing out that your PIL aren't obliged to babysit, but that's not really the heart of the matter. The real problem is that your only possible babysitters are your husband's parents, and he takes you for granted to such an extent that he cba to test the waters and see whether his parents would babysit in order for the two if you to go out child free once. He isn't bothered that you're always staying home with the kids so he can go out.

You could ask your PIL but the reality of many in law relationships is that it's easier and more natural for their adult child to be the one asking and a bit more awkward and more of a big deal if the daughter in law asks.

Floellabumbags · 17/10/2017 18:40

Get a babysitter. Our babysitter is a mon-fri nanny who makes a bit of extra cash on a weekend with a spot of moonlighting. She's amazing and has the magical gift of being able to get my beasts to behave.

eddielizzard · 17/10/2017 18:41

this isn't right. don't be a martyr and don't babysit. insist he ask his parents. tell him it's vital for your mental health. how he can't see that you not having a life is fucking depressing is beyond me tbh.

you both go, you both come home before midnight. surely he can compromise on one night to make sure you're happy too?

Quartz2208 · 17/10/2017 18:42

Yeah he does not want to cos it makes it easier for him, he can stay out all night and not worry rather than having to leave early.

Yep as always a DH being a selfish arse problem

Original poster
ASatisfyingThump · 17/10/2017 18:44

Evelyn I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think I want him to make an effort because he wants me to be there, you know?

I feel like I'm being totally pathetic over one night out, but I go out so rarely that it's a big deal for me when I do.

OP posts:
CrmbleBee · 17/10/2017 18:45

If your old friends are gone, maybe time to make new ones? Start an evening class or something and get him to stay home with the kids while you do it?

Sketchily · 17/10/2017 18:45

Couldn't your in laws stay the night at yours? Or if not have the children at theirs? Your DH seems to be putting up barriers to make it impossible for you to go. It isn't though, is it? Why doesn't he want to make sure you have a break/some fun too.

Iloveacurry · 17/10/2017 18:45

If he does go by himself and gets back in the morning, why don’t you leave him with the kids and take yourself out for a few hours (or all day!!). Serve him right!

Brighteyes27 · 17/10/2017 18:47

Your DH sounds like he needs to grow up a bit. I am wondering if you are either both very young and or whether the birth of your D.C. was unplanned?
If nights out are so important could you not pay someone to look after baby both go to the party, don't go mad and get up the next day to look after your baby?
Sorry but you sound a bit entitled re expecting PIL to have baby over night and your DH sounds a bit young and selfish. My mum only had one DC over night once before they started school and that was because I was in hospital giving birth to my younger D.C. I was back home caring for them both less than 24 hours after giving birth.
Whilst an occasional night out change of scene with your other half or with friends would do you good and do your relationship good, you both seem a bit too keen on nights out (with a young baby). Things change and priorities should change for both parents when they decide to have children. But both your priorities seem to be on nights out and getting even in a tit for tat way.

Sketchily · 17/10/2017 18:48

I understand that you want him to make the decisions effort and facilitate your coming, so you feel wanted. But if he's not going to do that you have to take steps now to ensure that he doesn't take you for granted in future.

Standingcat · 17/10/2017 18:49

Why can’t pil babysit at your house? And DH deals with waking DC as it’s your turn to get squiffy?

Glumglowworm · 17/10/2017 18:50

Grandparents aren't obliged to babysit especially overnight especially a child that doesn't sleep through.

But it's unfair that you're the only one restricted by this. DH shouldn't always be leaving you home alone while he goes out and has fun. Do you get to go out with your friends while he stays home with the kids?

The cliche is true, you have a DH problem not a PIL problrm

Coastalcommand · 17/10/2017 18:53

Honestly? I wouldn't ask anyone to look after our baby of a similar age overnight. Not fair on baby or them.
Sounds like this is hus friend's party, so he should go.
But you need some evenings out too, so I'd second the idea of evening classes or a weekly hobby night for you, when your husband stays home with baby.

LadyWire · 17/10/2017 18:53

The more updates you're giving, OP, the more important convinced it should be you going and him staying at home.