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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think PILs should babysit anyway?

103 replies

ASatisfyingThump · 17/10/2017 18:17

For context, DH has had several nights out and two weekends away in the past few months, while I've had one night out. PILs are the only support we have and we rarely as for favours.

We've been invited to a party at the weekend, and the current plan is that he goes while I stay at home and look after the kids because DS2 (11mo) doesn't sleep through the night and it's not fair to ask his parents to deal with that. I think it's not fair that he won't even ask them and I'm honestly sick of always being at home while he goes out and has fun. I feel like telling him either we both go or we both stay at home. I'm at home with DS2 all the time and I just want a night out for a change.

So AIBU to think he should get his parents to babysit anyway? Or if they won't, he should stay at home with me?

OP posts:
Chestervase1 · 17/10/2017 18:55

I do think breastfeeding limits your social life. I realise that is not a popular position to take. However, I have known babies who will not take breast milk when expressed and refuse bottles. They just will not settle. It is unreasonable to expect PILs to babysit in these circumstances accept for a couple of hours.

Original poster
ASatisfyingThump · 17/10/2017 18:55

Brighteyes he's in his thirties, I'm late twenties. Kids were planned.

I think it's because so few of his mates have kids, so he wants to do what they can. And TBH all their gfs/wives would accept staying at home while the men go out. The comparisons he makes between me and them is a whole other thread Angry

OP posts:
Brighteyes27 · 17/10/2017 18:56

If you can't both go to the party I would sit down with DH. Let him know how your feeling and explain you want some fun too.
So either he accepts he is a dad now and doesn't go to every party lads night away that's going and also that you would like the occasional night out with your girlfriends and also with him to rekindle your relationship as you don't only want to be mummy and skivvie you want to feel wanted and appreciated and to occasionally have some fun too. If he doesn't change take this on board I can't see things lasting much longer as if you carry on like this you will feel more and more resentful towards him and possibly your D.C.

innerfoundpeas · 17/10/2017 18:59

All sounds rather mixed up. I think 11 mos too young to stay overnight. So, ask PILs and both go & both come back at same time (11ish - however late would be OK for them) or ask PILs, both go, he comes home and you stay out - make them your friends! He does not have divine right to party and out all night - you must be kidding?!

PoxyRoxy · 17/10/2017 19:03

get his parents to babysit
Charming Hmm

DS2 (11mo) doesn't sleep through the night and it's not fair to ask his parents to deal with that
Your DH is right.

PILs are the only support we have
Then you should have a better attitude to them.

Brighteyes27 · 17/10/2017 19:04

OP DH had some friends who were forever having a night out and weekends away. All these conincided with one of thems wives social life. She went out one night he went out the following night. She planned a weekend away and he planned a weekend away. They also had two sets of babysitters on tap so they had occasional weekends together. We didn't have this and I didn't want one of us to be out ratching about every weeeknd and hung over. I was fed up so I told DH i didn't mind him going out the occasional Friday night but not every Friday night. Same for weekends away once or twice a year with the lads on a special occasion.
As I wasn't going to put up with it. I met DH in my early thirties and I saw what a lot of men who were in relationships/married and with kids tried to get up to on a Friday night chatting to girls out on the time having fun. So I knew were too many nights out could lead and I didn't want that for us. Put your foot down OP.

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/10/2017 19:04

If he won't change then tell him there's no relationship worth making an effort for or saving.

Join some evening classes - anything that takes you out of the home of an evening and leaves him holding the baby.
Whether it's going to the gym/cinema etc, anything that changes the rut you've fallen into.

If he won't step up then you're better off being a single parent properly....at least that way you get time to focus on rebuilding your own social life whilst dc is with their dad for contact time

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/10/2017 19:07

As for his hangover - fuck that.
Tell him you're off out and he's on childminding duty - and then leave the house.

You really need to start giving your feelings as much consideration as you're giving his.

Atenco · 17/10/2017 19:08

If your old friends are gone, maybe time to make new ones? Start an evening class or something and get him to stay home with the kids while you do it?

This

You have got to start building your own social network again, OP.

nuttyknitter · 17/10/2017 19:09

He has nothing to lose by asking his parents. If they say no you don't go out, but I happily babysat my DGC before they slept through.

Butterymuffin · 17/10/2017 19:13

He doesn't want to change things as it works fine for him. So you will need to and it will take some pushing. Find some new friends (or reconnect with your old ones) and then tell him it's his turn to do the childcare while you go out.

PovertyPain · 17/10/2017 19:13

Did a fly shite on your sandwich poxy? 😒

Op has not been rude or nasty about the pil, so why the digs? Or are you the husband?

AhNowTed · 17/10/2017 19:14

The title of your post is frankly wrong. It should read should DH stay in while I go out. In short YES.

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with your PIL.

Ask yourself why are you transferring responsibility to your PIL when your DH is more than capable of looking after his own children

Original poster
ASatisfyingThump · 17/10/2017 19:23

There is no way he will stay at home while I go to this party, if I suggest that he'll just get the arse.

The title is misleading, I admit, I was more than a little wound up when I originally posted and I sort of thought-dumped.

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 17/10/2017 19:23

YWBU to go to this party, as they're dh's friends and tbh I do think dealing with a non-sleeping-through baby is a big ask for anyone but the parents. But YWNBU, at all, to have a serious talk with your dh about making things fairer going forward. Have his nights out and your lack thereof just been down to coincidence/opportunity, or have you found yourself unable to do things because he (e.g.) complains or makes things difficult?

Redken24 · 17/10/2017 19:25

Where do u stay?il come out with you so he can stay in 😂😂

Taylor22 · 17/10/2017 19:25

So he goes in a mood? And?

Why don't you go in a mood with him?

Brighteyes27 · 17/10/2017 19:26

I think the whole point is on this occasion the party mainly Consists of DH's friends so the OP would happily go and enjoy accompanied by her DH but on this occasion as they are mainly her other halfs friends she wouldn't feel right going to the party alone without her DH.

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/10/2017 19:30

Your friends have moved away and his haven't, but you've saved up for him to go away twice, but not for you to?

What's the reason for this?

As a one-off, I think telling him you should both go or he should stay home is a bit unreasonable, but you seem to be in a pattern here where he doesn't (and won't) put any effort into making sure you can have some time off because he gets to go out anyway. I'm not sure if this is the thing to be putting down an ultimatum over, but I see why you're angry about it, and I think you're right that something needs to change.

Apart from anything else, if many of your friends have moved away, you really need to be making some more so that you don't become even more isolated. Can you start doing something regularly that will get you mingling with people a bit more? Ask out friends from your NTC group? Are you working - can you start trying to get people from work to go for a drink on a Thursday evening or something? Tell the friends that remain that you really need to get out more and see if you can encourage them (and their other friends that you don't know yet) to go out once a month or meet at someone's house? etc.

mapie · 17/10/2017 19:31

We were invited to a friend's party, and as only one of us could go and they were my friends it obviously had to be me. He didn't want me to go without him and made me feel so bad I ended up crying with swollen eyes, so couldn't go.

He "kindly" offered to show his face for 10 minutes just to apologise to them. He didn't come back. What was worse I could see the party from my bedroom window. Even now many, many years later I still feel the rage just remembering it.

Getoutofthatgarden · 17/10/2017 19:32

Either you both go or YOU go.

Etonianmother · 17/10/2017 19:33

Red flags here.

I don't know that this particular social event is the really big issue. If they are your DH's friends, it would be reasonable(ish) for him to go and for you to stay at home. What isn't reasonable, though, is for you never to go out and leave the DC with him. You should both be able to go out out.

I speak from the other side of this: I didn't go out during the evening, or during the school holidays, or during the days at weekends, for 15 years. DH did. I was the de facto babysitter (no family on either side nearby, and I didn't like the idea of leaving my DC with a babysitter - I know this is a personal thing).

DH and I are now divorced, and I do go out. Regularly. It would have been better, though, if that had been possible while we were married. Rectify this while you still can.

CPtart · 17/10/2017 19:34

What comparisons does he make with you and others?
The more you describe him the worse he sounds. I hope your contraception is watertight. He sounds a selfish arse trying to live the single life.
Does he ever look after ether or both DS on his own for long periods?

RiotAndAlarum · 17/10/2017 19:36

You are his babysitter. He should be yours. As others have said, this time it's tricky, as the only thing on offer is a party of his friends, but you need to fix this by making your iwn arrangements that he's not involved with (otherwise he might try to blag babysitting by his parents and get yet another night out!).

orangewasp · 17/10/2017 19:39

He's sounding more and more like a selfish shit. Also he doesn't seem at all bothered about having you there, that's not great. What's he like generally?

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