Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kicking her out for a tattoo

447 replies

Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:16

My friend is 19 and at uni, she recently got a tattoo to cover up self harm scars on her leg. It is very well done and tasteful and paid for half by her student loan and half by her own savings from work. Her parents have no refused to help her financially (her loan doesn't fully cover rent as they earn too much) her rent is now due and she cannot pay and the uni bursary won't give her any loans because her parents have money and she's looking at being kicked out with no where to live. They said she looks awful and they hate it and will only pay for her if she gets laser which she will have to pay for herself.

ATBU in this situation by not paying her or is it fine seeing as she is 19 and they have no real responsibility over her?

OP posts:
safariboot · 16/10/2017 14:35

Student loans weren't invented to pay for tattoos.

Student loans were invented to pay for living expenses. While most students aren't exactly rich, they're not expected to live in breadline poverty either. A tattoo is just as reasonable a use of the money as a piece of sports equipment, a cinema ticket, a night out, a gadget, and so on.

EliseC1965 · 16/10/2017 14:40

If my youngest son decided (not likely though) to go to uni, I would insist that he stayed local as there is no way I can afford to pay his rent as well as towards the mortgage. My disposable income per month, is in the £10’s not £100’s and most of that is used to save for Xmas and birthdays. I would not expect his stepdad to contribute and his dad is on jobseekers/pip. I’m doing an MSc atm so working part time.

However, if I had promised any support, then I would do my damnedest to keep my promise, because that’s what parents should do. Any support I could give would probably be in the form of food parcels or books, as I’ve become quite canny at bargain hunting.

Sallystyle · 16/10/2017 14:44

She is BU and needs to deal with the consequences of her actions.

It never fails to shock me how cold hearted and nasty some people can be. Half the time I think it's bollocks though and MNers like to shock people with their 'hardness'.

You think these consequences are actually deserved? You think having no where to live possibly, potentially losing her place at uni and not being allowed home for Xmas is an appropriate consequence for getting a tattoo when you were told that money was yours to spend?

Headofthehive55 · 16/10/2017 14:53

I think there is an issue with gifts of money in general. It's a difficult one. I think generally you expect the money to be used for essentials.

I know one man - whined to his parents that he couldn't afford to mend the boiler so was having to wash in cold water. They paid to have it mended and within three weeks the man was off on holiday. You see now he had had his boiler paid for he had money to go on holiday.

I think most people assume money is given and should be spent wisely.

Headofthehive55 · 16/10/2017 14:58

safari I don't think those expenses are reasonable expenses for parents to have to pay for.

CamperVamp · 16/10/2017 15:02

Elice If you are on low income, your son can borrow the maximum allowed, and you won't need to support him.

If they go local and live at home, they reduce the amount they can borrow, too, so it may not be a way to save.

safariboot · 16/10/2017 15:03

If people would read the OP's updates, all the evidence is that it's not about the cost. It's about parents controlling their adult daughter, punishing her for getting a tattoo. If the tattoo had cost nothing at all, the parents would probably still have reacted the same way. They've even said that they'll only fund their daughter through university if she pays more money to get the tattoo removed.

iBiscuit · 16/10/2017 15:08

Student Loans were "invented" to make up the shortfall and eventual disappearance of maintenance grants, to which most people were entitled and were generally spent on Pot Noodles, lentils, White Musk and cheap beer. Oh, and rent.

Many students could also claim housing benefit and dole in the Easter and summer holidays.

Happy days Grin

iBiscuit · 16/10/2017 15:10

Xpost with the world there Blush

EliseC1965 · 16/10/2017 15:22

CamperVamp Don’t they take stepdads income into consideration though? He’s on a large salary, but I don’t take advantage and contribute 1/3 of all bills. As he’s on 3x my salary.

I really don’t need to worry though. Although he’s a bright lad, he’s not academic in the slightest. Redoing Maths and English for the third time now. Sigh. He just wants to get s job and leave home, like his elder brother.

Sorry for going OT there.

But there’s not a lot that my boys could do for me to go NC with them, short of rape or murder, and even then there would need to be irrefutable proof. A tattoo? Pfft. They’re controlling nasty buggers.

Stickerrocks · 16/10/2017 16:04

U2 We have no idea why her parents are refusing to pay her rent though, do we? We've been told on the basis of hearsay that it is because she got a tattoo, but I think there is a huge back story here, which the OP is not aware of. That's why I'm advising caution to the OP before she gets too caught up in the situation and I think the student should have told her parents what she was planning to do whilst relying on their funding as she obviously knew they would disapprove.

mirime · 16/10/2017 16:31

I think the student should have told her parents what she was planning to do whilst relying on their funding as she obviously knew they would disapprove.

Her mistake was telling them, not having it done. If she needed to have it done to reduce the anxiety and distress the scars were causing her, then good on her for taking control and doing something to help her move on with her life.

I would never withdraw support from my son because he had a tattoo or a piercing - I may or may not like or approve, but it's not my business what he does with his body when he's an adult.

grannytomine · 16/10/2017 16:35

Personally I don't like tattoos and would hate it if my kids had them but you have to accept that as adults they can make their own choices. I think her reason for having a tattoo is one I can understand, self harm scars are a horrible reminder of a dark time in her life and a good tattoo is better than that. It is a shame her parents can't see that.

Sallystyle · 16/10/2017 17:14

U2 We have no idea why her parents are refusing to pay her rent though, do we?

Well, it's the same with any thread started here. We have to take it at face value and assuming the OP is correct in what she says her parents are acting in a despicable way.

There might be a massive back story but it would take a hell of a lot for me to do this to one of my children. As it stands, with the information the OP has provided, they are complete arseholes.

If I tell my children I'm covering their rent and their student loan is theirs I would not expect them to ask me if they could have a tattoo. If I was going to attach petty strings to my support I would make that very clear.

That's why I'm advising caution to the OP before she gets too caught up in the situation

I don't disagree with you there.

valeview · 16/10/2017 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

millymaid · 16/10/2017 17:31

Her parents are BU. Any 19 year old is going to make the odd stupid mistake, and many make bad decisions about money when they first go to Uni. Plus this one had mental health issues bad enough to lead to self harm, she needs appropriate support. Her parents could pay the extra and work out a way for her to pay them back out of a holiday job or whatever. It seems really harsh to me.

GinUser · 16/10/2017 17:33

So she covered self-harm scars with more self-harm, basically?

Daisy53 · 16/10/2017 17:34

Sorry for all concerned, but you can’t be a child when it suits .

bastardkitty · 16/10/2017 17:35

^ hahaha bullshit!

StormTreader · 16/10/2017 17:35

I suspect this is the first time she has ever done anything that they didnt "approve" of or have a say in, are they very controlling in other ways as well?

Stickerrocks · 16/10/2017 17:36

If the OP was the one being cut off from her own parents, I would have a lot more sympathy, but the post is about the OP's friend, who she appears to have only known for a few weeks. We don't know whether the student concerned had been given free rein with her student loan or if she was made aware of any conditions attached to her rent payment. All we have is a second hand story about the friend's wicked parents.

Blondie321 · 16/10/2017 17:37

This is absolutely ridiculous. What parents treat there child like that. No matter what she will always be their child whatever age she is. The poor young lady sounds like she has been though a lot giving the reasons for wanting the tattoo in the first place. She should sit them down and tell them everything and give them an ultimatum!

morningconstitutional2017 · 16/10/2017 17:37

She's young and daft - I hope that she makes more sensible choices when she matures. Her parents are being rather harsh though and I expect they're treating this as a tough lesson. As a youngster her appearance is very important to her self esteem. Could she find part time work to help make ends meet? But it is very silly of her to put something like this before the real necessities.

OpheIiaBaIIs · 16/10/2017 17:42

First of all, this self absorbed cutting thing... How many kids these days love this view of themselves as tragic,consumptive poets types languishing in their pain of... living in the 21st century, with all the benefits that provides??

Let her live on the street... it may make her grow up

What a fucking peach you are. I sincerely hope you're never plagued by mental illness.

And she didn't 'blow her student loan' - the tattoo cost £120, if you'd bothered to RTFT. Oh, and her parents promised to pay her rent, then threatened to disown her for having a tattoo (even though she's an adult). She didn't 'expect' anything.

I'm all for adult children supporting themselves financially. But your post is one of the vilest things I've seen on MN in a good while. And there's some pretty stiff competition.

Sallystyle · 16/10/2017 17:43

Vale where to start indeed? Perhaps telling you that you're a knob will cover it?