To ask for a diary of sexual harassment?

[DarthMaiden]

Inspiration came from the Harvey Weinstein thread.

Sexual harassment/assault is endemic - but no one seems to be able to capture the scale of the problem.

So...my thought is we do so here. A diary of sorts.

The everyday sexism and assault we encounter.

It’s not easy to report for many women so perhaps being able to record might help.

I'm not on Twitter, but someone has just mentioned that #MeToo is trending.

It is indeed trending, and I am glad. For years I have wanted to scream that this goes on every day in a woman’s life. I hope this doesn’t go away either. Things need to change.

8 years old. Molested by a 19 year old. Parents press charges. Nothing happens. Boy apparently goes on to do it many times. Years later dad finds out young man’s father was a wealthy, well connected pedophile who would just move his family once their reputation became known.

Lots of low level stuff, bum pinching etc. Nearly all from creepy old , relatively powerful white guys. Terrible tales of historical abuse done to family members (poor Catholic ‘black Irish’). Care homes, being sent out to Australia when 10 years old etc, having the Gaelic beaten out of them, rape etc. Creepy slimy comments from former male classmate years later (who knew full well I was married). Anger from guys whose advances I rejected.

Brothers targeted at early ages by creepy pedos - especially my beautiful sensitive brother and it totally messed him up for a while.

Came to the depressing conclusion at a very early age that the Nazis didn’t lose at all and that they were aided and abetted at every step We’re run by a bunch of criminals.

As most, lots of low level stuff.. Grabbing boobs/bum flashing as adolescent.

Had 70 yr old shove me up against a wall put his hands in my pants, and tongue in my mouth. I was 12 (makes me feel sick writing this) .

Forcibly Fingered by friends 17 year old brother, when at their house... I was 13 and had my period.

At 15, 17 year old cousin I grew up with tried to rape me...I fought him off... It was grim. I ended up with semen all over my legs/stomach. Our mothers were preparing lunch downstairs.

At 18, dropped by my boyfriends (quite close) friend to drop off some records boyfriend had borrowed. It was blisteringly hot day... He said come on ill give you an orange juice before you go home. I Woke up to him almost drowning me in a bath and was then forced into oral/anal rape and sex. There is no way he hadn't drugged me... It was lunchtime... I still have flashbacks was over 25 years ago. Told boyfriend, the next evening... I was very badly bruised and shaken... He may or not have believed me. Kept bumping into rapist at family gatherings... He would grab to and from the loo and ask for 'a replay'. I didn't report... Felt awful for not doing so, just felt so dirty and damaged... This was before the police had rape suites... Was told by an off duty solicitor would be difficult to make a charge to stick as I had voluntarily gone to his house.....

IamtheDevilsAvocado

Fuck me, that’s awful. I mean all these are awful, but each time I read a fresh one, I’m struck again.

And wouldn’t stick because you went to his house? So that means we should never go to the house of anyone, ever.

I’ve just been reading the comments under an article about the woman only festival in Sweden. The number of men who are infuriated because they are being excluded. Men who aren’t even in the country and don’t want to go.

Desperately trying to make out that sexual assault and rape is only committed by a certain type of man. And whereas they may be right, unfortunately the planet is teeming with them. And since women can’t tell decent men from abusers, it will, have to be, all men.

And if the comments are anything to go by, the men who are desperately trying to force this on to other men, are rank misogynists themselves. The level of hypocrisy is staggering.

Brothers targeted at early ages by creepy pedos - especially my beautiful sensitive brother and it totally messed him up for a while.

This happened to my brother too. It was reported and nothing was done as there was no physical proof. My brother was a mess. He was 10 at the time. I wanted to kill the guy. My parents talked me out of it as they said it would not help him in any way for me to get arrested but my god the anger I felt...I would have actually ripped him apart with my bare hands tbh. I felt more anger that someone I loved had been targetted than any of the times it had happened to me. He went on to sexually assault more children..getting off with it each time until he finally raped a 12 year old girl. He finally was done then, but got 5 years and is out again now. Have heard nothing else since he was sentenced...probably only did hlf of the paltry sentence too. Disgusting.

I suspect my 'advice', Re going to rapist house was very much of the time.. 1980s... Rather horribly some years afterwards I found 2 other victims of same man... One before me, one after me... Very similar accounts. They both counted themselves as friends /acquaintances of the man. He was very pleasant and felt very 'safe', everyone's best friend.

I did suggest that we go to police as a group, the others were too traumatised and preferred to leave it in the past.

I continue to feel awful that 25+ years later he could well be still doing this..ad the system was so utterly awful and victim blaming that us three couldn't go to the police. .. He'd only be in his late 50s/early 60s....

That fucking odious prick Danielle Muscato, (who said he was a woman and if you don’t agree suck my dick), has had bloody nerve to join the #metoo.

His phoney tweets read like some kind of fetishist rape fantasy.

And if I’m wrong, I don’t care. He can just fuck off. This is about women. At the hands of men.

Women, women WOMEN.

Ffs.

1. Raped many times by my ex. More times than I want to try and remember tbh. Also felt up constantly in public with the intention of embarrassing me.

2.Sexually assaulted twice by exes friend. Should have cut him out of my life totally after the first time but I did what I think a lot of women do and made excuses for him (his partner leaving him, he was drunk, he was "so sorry" afterwards). Second time though I wasn't so forgiving. Especially after he slammed me head first into a fence and cut my face. My ex was watching. He did nothing.

1. Trapped in a lift with my then boss aged 19 (he was pushing 50) while he pestered me to touch his cock). The lights had gone out and he had his hands inside my bra.

1. Changing my mind after taking my clothes off for sex and trying to close my legs but the man forcing them apart and performing oral sex on me.

1. Another boss commenting constantly about what underwear he thought I was wearing and then touching my bum through my trousers to confirm he was right and I was wearing a thong. It wasn't the only lewd crass thing he did either.

1. Waking up after a night with someone who had been a friend to find he had ejaculated over my boobs while I slept and my knickers no longer on.

1. The guy in the taxi queue who I drunkenly smiled once at who took that to mean it was ok to wank into my back while grunting and moaning while touching my hair until my sister noticed and threatened to glass him with a broken bottle.

1. A guy I thought was a friend trying to snog me while walking me home "so I was safe" and when I said no pushed me a little too hard so I ended up on my back on the pavement.

Not in the right order of age but all happened between the ages of 16 and last year when I left my ex. And doesn't include unwanted comments of a sexual nature. I often wonder if it's something I've done. That I've lead them on somehow without meaning it.

That I've lead them on somehow without meaning it.

There is no such thing as leading a man want to do something to which you don’t consent.

*on, not want

And deep down Datun I know that. Having said that it's a mindset that's hard to shake off and I've only managed to do that this past year since leaving my ex and completing the freedom programme. I'm actually glad to say that when my own mother recently "wondered aloud" if I was maybe responsible for the abuse my ex gave me I was raging at her. It was a relief to realise that I blame him completely for what he did instead of still blaming myself. And that has a knock on effect on all the other revolting bastards who have treated me in a similar way.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin

That’s almost the most insidious part. What did we do to make it happen? It’s a spectacularly perfect piece of gaslighting.

I’m so glad that you have managed to get your psyche to see this clearly. It’s horrendously difficult. And yes, get angry. Get fucking furious.

I am Pleased we also remember the male victims of abuse

If we look the recent history - boarding schools , children's homes , Corey Feldman , sole Scouting movements (and I am sure there is more) so many young boys were also abused too and their experience matters too

18 coming out of a club with my friend.2 men pull my skirt up from behind, as I turn around and tell him to piss off I'm punched in the face. Between all of this the taxi we called turns up and drives off!!

About 14 at a local fair a friend's brother grabs me between the legs hard, tells me I'm a bit of alright and walks away.

There's loads of other times I can think of in clubs and pubs etc.. Up until last year when I read a similar thread I hadn't thought about what happened to me as something to complain about? If that makes sense

Datun that tweet from DM is really very, very creepy.

Here goes:

16 years of age - Being coaxed into having sex with my then boyfriend (24 years of age) when I really didn't want to because I was on my period. I lay there and silently cried.

Sexually attacked and assaulted in a pub toilet when I was 18. I came out of the cubicle to find a man by the sinks, the toilets otherwise empty. I washed my hands and went to open the door before I realised it was locked. The man pounced and pushed me into a cubicle and assaulted me. Turns out he was an illegal immigrant working as a cleaner in the bar...the owners did not want to get in trouble so didn't give any information / CCTV. He was never caught.

Went to a work party and a co worker "kindly" put me in a cab to his house when I was worse for wear. I fell asleep on his couch and awoke to find him on top of me and inside me. He most certainly did not have my consent.

Those are the main ones, but from week to week I get cat called. Men press themselves up to me on the tube. I don't go clubbing anymore but the dancefloor was always rife with perverts groping and grabbing what they could, some of them thinking it is their god given right to grab you and kiss you out of nowhere. Strangers on the street making comments about my figure.

I haven't RTFT as I think it would make for depressing reading, and I am not int he right place at the moment...

...oh and a friend of my ex once grabbed my nether regions and gave me a little shake. I was stunned and disgusted and horrified. When I told my ex what his friend did, he laughed it off. Abusive fuckers.

The usual grope in a pub/club
Men trying to shove their hands up my skirt
Had my drink spiked twice.
Got thrown out of a club with the group of men who were harassing me but my friend was still inside. Bouncer didn't care this group of 4 men were trying to drag me into a taxi and only called the police coz I was making such a racket.
Random messages from weirdos on date sites
I remember once I was about 8 playing in my friends back garden we'd kicked the ball over the fence climbed up to look there was a man in the house pulled his trousers down and started wanking.

I get angry at myself too sometimes. Coz every single time this happens I've froze. Not moved. not even managed to say no most of the times. When they continue I don't seem to fight it. My ex said it's coz I secretly loved it really. But he's twisted.

The guy in the taxi queue I was simply so shocked someone would do something like that (ha! Such innocence) I stood rooted to the spot. My sister acted out of fear I think. She was shaking afterwards. And told me off for smiling at drunken creeps.

I don't think that's the answer though. Can't men just learn to keep their perversions and hands and other appendages to themselves? Why should I for example, change an entire aspect of my personality being friendly and simply smiling (albeit drunkenly) at a random person after a night out. In hindsight I don't even know if I smiled at him or was smiling in general coz I was happy.

Just reminded of another. When I was about 11 I stayed the night at my friend's house and we slept in her lounge in sleeping bags. In the morning her much older brother and his friend told me that during the night my shirt had ridden up and exposed my chest. They laughed at me and made inappropriate comments about my breasts. I sat and cried I was so embarrassed. I never worked out if they did actually see me (though I remember their details being quite convincing) and if they did if it was an accident or if they pulled my shirt up.
They tormented me for a long time afterwards about that.

The time I was at work having a chat with a customer. He told me I had a nice bum and started rubbing it. He asked if I minded. I froze and to this day I still don't know why I said I didn't mind. It just came out my mouth.
I was in shock. He then proceeded to stick his hand between my legs.
Thankfully I only had 10 minutes till I could leave. I ran to my car locked myself in and sobbed.
I wanted to report him but I thought with me saying i didn't mind I didn't think ide get anywhere. I left that job not long after so never saw him afterwards.

1. Raped when i was 14 by a gang of boys i didnt know in some woods on the way home from school.

1. Age 14 again sat at the back of the bus on the top deck and a man sits down right next to me, asks me 'what have you got under there' and tries to undo the zip of my hoodie (i had no top underneath)

1. Age 14 again man in local newsagents attempts to touch my breasts until somebody else comes into the shop.

1. Age 16 assaulted by a boy my own age whilst passed out drunk.

1. Age 17 raped by an older boy who i thought cared about me

1. Age 19 raped by boys whilst passed out drunk

1. Age 19 partner holds me down and ejaculates inside me when i tell him not to.

I’m not surprised I see so many posts, but I’m truly horrified by how many posters have been the subject of multiple sexual assaults.

Naively I expected a lot of women to say the they encountered various levels of harassment, but I am shocked by just how many people have been the victims of many serious sexual crimes by different men.

It’s staggering how endemic this is.

to everyone

There's loads of other times I can think of in clubs and pubs etc.. Up until last year when I read a similar thread I hadn't thought about what happened to me as something to complain about? If that makes sense

Unfortunately it does. If we started a thread on mumsnet titled 'please post if you've never been a target of sexual harrassment' and another one titled 'please post if you have,' my money would be on the 'have' thread being the longest.

For some reason we just accept that we should have to deal with things like the crotch pressing on the bus or train. I know many, many women who have experienced that, or the pervy uncle or family friend whose hands are always everywhere. Or the 'accidental' hand connection with your arse or breasts or lewd comments out and about or in bars/clubs. A lot of us have those experiences. And when they happen to us we carry on afterwards like it was nothing. Like it was ok. Its what most us have always done. So yeah, it does feel strange when you call it what it really is - sexual harrassment and actually some of those - the crotch pressing thing - I'd go so far as calling sexual assault. I do think things will change though. Have to.