To ask for a diary of sexual harassment?

[DarthMaiden]

Inspiration came from the Harvey Weinstein thread.

Sexual harassment/assault is endemic - but no one seems to be able to capture the scale of the problem.

So...my thought is we do so here. A diary of sorts.

The everyday sexism and assault we encounter.

It’s not easy to report for many women so perhaps being able to record might help.

Thankyou @HadronCollider
Just wished I hadn’t put myself in that position. It was a long time ago now and I can count the number of drinks on one hand I’ve had since that night.

Getting a taxi home from a club, got in the back seat. Taxi driver stopped short of my house, reached in the back and groped my breasts. I was so shocked that I punched him in the face, I also screamed, loudly as I got out, and a neighbour got the car registration.

Reported to the police, who were sympathetic, but the most chilling thing was the huge file that they brought out with complaints against taxi drivers - uninsured drivers, people banned from driving (that was just what I could read upside down on the file) the registered driver claimed his brother was driving, and lack of evidence meant they couldn’t charge anyone. I got the impression it was a depressingly common occurrence, and while it stopped short of direct victim blaming, the urging to be more careful, not drink etc was grim (this was 20 years ago).

I still wish posted would stop “tagging” pp with the @ thing - you do boy need to flash up in their inbox about something they may never have told others about if they want to read responses they can look at the thread.

Telling for the first time ever.

When I was about 13 we used to spend time at my Nans. A neighbour of hers used to take us to see the banger racing in his St Johns Ambulance. He also used to run swimming clubs etc for the local community. Real pillar of the community, yet the minute he was alone with my he'd make suggestive comments or want a 'hug' which invariably was a grope. No-one ever realised and I started making excuses to not go places with him. Then my nan moved nearer us and I stopped having to see him. At the time I was just relieved but now I wonder how many of the kids he was helping were actually subject to his unwanted attentions.

Later on the big man who worked in our local garage used to try to be out from the counter to get a handful, but I was older by then and avoiding situations was easier.

They're minor things in the grand scheme of things but left lasting memories.

it starts with those little things like men expecting you to get out of the way when walking.
just observe it on a busy road.
women weave in and out, men walk straight.

I want go too deeply into mine as I have already on the HW thread but I have experienced Sexual abuse, rape and been sexually assaulted at work.

These are major. But I very much feel they are the extreme end product of a sort of casualisation of sexually exploitative behaviour that affects a lot people on a more daily basis undoubtably men too but very probably more often women. And they are just dealt with as well just a part of life.

So here's some of my more common 'everyday' experiences:

Aged 13 on the way to school - man flashes himself at me.

A teacher at school telling me to unbutton my top because it was hot. I did unbutton the collar. He insisted I unbutton some more. Supposedly to help me concentrate better.

On the bus/train - this has happened a fair few times. Man presses his groin into my behind forcefully under the pretext of the bus/train being crowded.

A man calling 'love your tits' out a car window when out with my kids.

A man stroking my bum with his hand as he walked past me in a bar. Happened at least 3 or 4 times.

My mums neighbour asking for a hug and a kiss when trying to get past him through the shared gate.

At work recently. Being asked by a semi-drunk guy if he could tweak my breasts and if I wanted to fuck.

And all the myriads:

'how are you love'
'Sorry I'm busy'
'Think you're all that don't you/think you're too nice/you're ugly anyway' street propositions.

Sorry for bad grammar my phone is crap.

I have been the victim of many many 'low level sexual assaults'. Stuff I didn't even know until recently that was actually assault...things like men pushing their erections into me on trains/buses, touching my arse in clubs, forcibly grabbing my breasts...stuff that always gets laughed off as 'lads banter' or something.

The main one that sticks out to me though is

About 10 years ago, I discovered recreational drugs. E was my drug of choice, I felt amazing on it. one night I had a party at mine, and had taken some E and actually fell asleep. I woke up to a guy rubbing his dick on my ear. I told a close friend about this, she laughed and said I was just high and imagined it. I told my boss (the guy worked with me) and she said the same, but she also added that if it did happen, it was my own fault for being high. Thing is, I did not ever hallucinate when on E or anything. I know this happened. But people won't believe me, and if they do they think its funny. Or blame me for being high in the first place. Always stuck with me that one.

Even more than the time I was raped, that noone actually knows about.

I also am unsure if I was abused by my uncle when I was a child. This may not be the thread for it but I feel like I should maybe let it out. He is dead now, so cannot harm anyone else IF he did harm me. I genuinely do not know. He used to pick me up from school regularlyas my parents both worked fulltime and my grandma didn't drive. Used to go to his for an hour or so sometimes before he dropped me off at my grandmas. I do not remember any inappropriate touching or anything, but what makes me question myself so much and confuses the hell out of me is...I have vivid memories (as if this happened yesterday) of myself as a 8 year old child, being picked up from school and pretending to be dead in the back of the car with a arm hanging out of a window, hoping the police would stop the car and take me away.

Thats literally all I remember, but its clear as day, so surely there was a reason for that. I have never had counselling, as I don't know if I need it or if my imagination is running away with me.

I do know that one day we just stopped seeing that uncle and nothing was ever said about him again. I don't dare ask my mum what happened, as I feel like I may be making something out of nothing. I know I felt no sadness when I was told that he had died a few years back though.

I've never told anyone these.

• Aged 20 waiting up on a couch after a party with a random guy fingering me. His disgusting breath woke me up.

• At a party at college halls of residence where my friend was staying. Two boys blocked the bedroom door while two other boys pinned me down on the bed. One shoved his cock in my face and the other tried to give me oral. My shouting alerted some of the other guys outside and they ran off.

• I have quite full/pouty lips. A guy I was seeing introduced me to someone he knew and he said "bet those lips love sucking cock"

• Aged 16 at a gig the guy behind me put his hands up my skirt and inside my pants.

• Being introduced to a friend of a friend when i was 17 and him whispering in my ear that he was going to "fill that cunt later"

I'm sorry to everyone who experienced anything like what has been posted. For years I always blamed myself and thought I was a "slut" or "dirty" because of the things done to me. I hope you all know none of the things that happened to you are your fault.

This feels utterly trivial compared to some of these. Aged probably 22 walking home from the cinema, a man on a bicycle cycled past me and groped my breast. Have never really forgotten.

I don't know if this along the same lines but I was sexually assaulted with objects and raped while I slept. I would wake up covered in semen. I thought I had some sort of anal discharge and was dying until he proudly told me what he'd done. All by a partner a couple of years ago.
I reported everything, went to court and he was found not guilty.
I know if it was to ever happen again with anyone else I wouldn't report it and that's a really depressing reality.
I know it's prevalent but to hear so many stories... it's sad and my heart goes out to all you brave, courageous women. ❤

It’s shocking so see so many posts.

Intellectually I know it happens, but reading these stories brings home just how endemic it is

I removed my post because it felt worse having it 'out there' but I am so sad for us all.

I know not all men are so vile, because my DC, DH and DB etc aren't like that and would be sickened by all this BUT reading these makes me really anti men generally.

That they think their vile little penises are so desirable and that their sexual desires and lust outweigh womens right to safety ,to dignity and to left the fuck alone. Ugh they disgust me. I am so sorry for everyone who has been the subject of these foul mens abuse.

That’s fine fluffy - my intention wasn’t to upset anyone. If your not comfortable with your experience being on here then it’s absolutely the right thing to remove it

It wasn't you at all Darth it was another poster who clearly just posted to be a GF. I felt a bit 'cowardly' removing it and the post on the other similar thread, like I was 'betraying' other posters. But it has helped, thank you Darth

I totally understand removing your post. I feel like doing the same.
I don't know what GF means or if you're referring to me but it's ok if you don't believe me. I'm used to that.

Of course it wasn’t you verbal why would it be?! It was actually Letters the line about people who feel they may have been touched. GF.

Verbalkint I can understand you regretting posting but honestly I'm glad you did. I completely believe you and I am amazed at your strength taking it to court. I was told 4 years ago I could pursue a historical case against my sexual abuser if I wanted but I haven't been able to quite get there. Big fear of not being believed I suppose. Stories like yours are helping me to get there. I'm sure I will one day. So sorry he wasn't found guilty but that doesn't change the truth. You are amazing. I hope this post doesn't upset you.

Age 15, I was groped regularly by the bus driver of the school transport to swimming. I knew him outside of that setting and he used that to his advantage because I was ashamed and scared that my dad would find out and blame me.

I was also groped by my BIL at his house when I had gone up to use the toilet, he followed me up and pressed me against the wall, put his hand up my skirt and forced his tongue into my mouth. I froze and didn't say anything to DH or his wife, because DH's ex had had an affair with BIL and I was scared he would think I had initiated the contact. I did eventually tell DH and he no longer speaks to BIL.

I was raped by my ex regularly including the night after having an abortion - an abortion he had forced me to have - on Christmas Day. I couldnt enjoy Christmas for years afterward.

Oh and at 18 i was given a lift home by a married colleague, thought I was safe. He drove down a country lane, pulled over and tried to kiss me and felt my breasts. I pushed him off me but never told anyone about it.

I was stalked for a year when I was 16, he used to get the same bus as me every day (even though he had no reason) and rub his hand up and down my thighs.
I always thought I would be able to stand up for myself but when it happened I clamed up and was frozen.
He was arrested in the end and given a slap round the wrist and I got £75 compensation.
Also at the age of 9 I was told to masabate an old man, didnt even know what it was.
Makes me feel sick to think that one of my dd is the same age now and how innocent she is, and that can be taken away because some men can not keep their filthy hands to themselves.

And another one - more recently at my current job. I'm a union rep and was representing a man accused of sexual harassment. I had spoken to his witnesses (all women) who all backed up his story of his manager being vindictive and they hadn't seen any of what he was accused of - and some of the details of the allegations could be disproved as he was on leave on certain dates. I helped him to avoid a disciplinary sanction and change manager. Then he started asking to see photos of me in a bikini. I laughed it off, but felt uncomfortable. Then one day I was bending over the photocopier adding paper and he came up behind me and said that if I stayed in that position he would have to slip me a length. I was outraged, but shamefully I was a coward and didn't report it formally, although I did tell another rep. I told the member I could no longer represent him, and he will now only have a male rep, but I feel like I let myself and other women down by not reporting.

I am a large woman and wouldn't consider myself particularly attractive, so I didn't think it would be seen as likely that someone would sexually harass me, particularly after I got them off a similar charge.

When I read that article by Suzanne Moore I thought 'it can't really be that bad can it, for the average woman? I've not really experienced anything like that...' But then I thought about "little" things that have happened to me and they add up...

The serial flasher who would hang outside school
The guy masturbating as he drove past me
The doctor who I'm pretty sure abused me disguised as an examination
The colleague whose house I'd stayed at as was drunk, woke up to him in the morning trying to penetrate me
The guy who tried to force himself on me at a party
The managing director who talked about my tits and asked about my sex life in the office and even in interview (and I still took the job)
The countless people (men) who've touched me up, hands up skirts, grabbed me etc in various bars and clubs

If some of these things happened today I would DEFINITELY report them. But even 15-20 years ago I would have been laughed out the room. I'm glad the culture to speak out is changing.

all the women on here. And yes, I do think it's a good idea. There is solidarity in shared experience.

Harvey Weinstein appears to be a fairly typical representative of men in general. And I'm not apologising for that and saying NAMALT. Because although, undoubtedly it's not all men, it's far, far too many.

And the ones who look away, the ones who laugh at sexist jokes, or even merely ignore them. The ones who think there is a certain 'type' of woman, deserving of less than their own family.

The ones who know these things happen, who read this and still do not feel comfortable turning around and condemning misogyny outright, using actual fucking words and eye contact.

I, for one, want to stop using NAMALT until I hear from those men who are not like that. Loudly, all the time, in every single situation. I want it to be deafening.

I have had all the usual low-level sexual harassment, all my life.

One incident in particular was worse, but like others, I don't want to share. Partly because it's not as bad as some other peoples experience.